Tales of Invader Potter and the Whitestone School
by War292004
Summary: What happens when the characters of Harry Potter, Invader Zim, and Tales of Symphonia come together and end up in the same school for a year? Total insanity, the staple of ToIPatWS! Hundreds of misadventures await within these freshly edited chapters!
1. Chapter 1: No Title, So Get over it

**From the Author's Mind:**

**I have no idea what has possessed me to do this, but I undertook the impossible: combining 3 completely different stories into one. Tales of Symphonia (Namco), Invader Zim (His Holiness Jhonen Vasquez), and Harry Potter (The Great and Honorable J. K. Rowling). This may or may not have an understandable storyline, but that's alright. It's not supposed to make that much sense. So… let us begin!**

***JULY 2011 – I've finally gotten around to reading through and fixing the glaring and embarrassing spelling/grammar/name errors that plagued this work. Also, as the series goes on, I crossed over with various other things including Titanic, Space Cases, Tales of the Abyss, and various other things that may be spoilers so I won't talk about them here! Please enjoy the updated version without the annoying errors (such as Colette being misspelled. Sigh I was dumb.)***

Chapter 1

Whitestone Preparatory School, just recently constructed, was to be one of the most advanced schools on the face of the planet. The classes offered were to be unmatched by any, all people would be accepted, and the school would grow to house over ten thousand students. And then the budget ran out. There was enough money to hire six teachers, keep the buildings up and running, and enroll eighty students. Not a good prospect for such an expensive school.

The students that did enroll came from all over the world: England, Iselia, and even a few from… well, the city's name is smudged, but that's okay. Most of the teachers came from these areas as well, ready to pass their knowledge happily on to their younger peers.

The first group to arrive, the Iselia Group, was made up of nine people. Three of the Professors (Ms. Raine Sage, Mr. Regal Bryan, and Mr. Kratos Aurion), along with students Lloyd Irving, Genis Sage, Colette Brunnel, Presea Combatir, Zelos Wilder, and Sheena Fuji…something… all crammed themselves into the small van for the ride to Whitestone. Predictably, Lloyd fell asleep and his snoring drove everyone crazy (except Presea who had brought headphones and was listening to something that sounded very much like a chainsaw).

"ZELOS! GET OFF ME!" snarled Sheena, socking Zelos in the face and getting his head and hand off her shoulder and chest.

"Owww… Sheena…" pouted Zelos, "Why do you hate me so?"

"You're a pervert," said Sheena, scooting as close to Presea as possible (she merely turned up her volume).

"Aw… come on, Sheena, we were made for each other… our bodies fit together perfectly… if you know what I mean," he finished with a mischievous wink.

Sheena replied with another punch, this one to the diaphragm. Winded, Zelos retreated away, his tail between his legs. In the seats in front of them, Genis was trying to read a few of their new textbooks, but Lloyd's snoring was making this impossible. Colette, on the other hand, was merely smiling out the window as various trees went by.

"Lloyd! Lloyd! Wake up!" Genis said, poking Lloyd in the ribs.

Lloyd snored.

"Lloyd! Get up!" Genis said, taping his shoulder.

Lloyd grunted and snored louder.

"I SAID WAKE UP!" Genis snarled, smashing his book into Lloyd's face.

"Huh? Wha-?" Lloyd gasped, whipping out his wooden swords in a rage.

"Calm down, Lloyd, you were snoring. I woke you up," said Genis, calmly returning to his book.

"Geeze, you don't have to hit me!" Lloyd said.

"Honestly, Lloyd, you sound like six-year-old," Raine Sage said from the front passenger seat, "Now be quiet, I need to finish these lesson plans…"

"Look! A doggy!" Colette said, smiling at a demented-looking Chihuahua sitting on the side of the road.

"He's kinda scary," said Genis.

"He's cute!" Colette said, "I shall call him Gorfy."

"What if it's a girl?" asked Sheena.

"Then she'll be Gorfina!" Colette replied gleefully.

"We're here, everyone," Regal said, driving slowly onto the grounds.

Everyone looked out the windows, hoping for a spectacular view. What they got was six red-brick buildings and an unfinished gymnasium. It was almost deserted, except for a few random students walking along the sidewalks.

"This is sad," said Zelos, "No hunnies, either…"

"Darn, looks like you'll have to transfer," Sheena said sarcastically.

"Not with you here," Zelos said, moving in for a kiss. He kissed her fist as it was hurled into his mouth.

"Knock it off, both of you," called Raine from the front, "If we have to stop this car, I will NOT be happy."

This shut everyone up. When Raine wasn't happy, there was trouble. And the pain was brought. Oh, how it was brought.

"Regal, Raine, and I have to go to our classrooms and get things set-up," explained Kratos. "Since we are short-staffed this year, we're going to have to cover more than one class. The rest of you, please sign in at the school registration, and then stay in your dorms for the rest of the day. Got it?"

"Yes, Kratos," they chanted.

"Presea, why are you listening to chainsaws?" asked Sheena.

Presea merely glared at her, turned the volume up even louder, and turned to stare out the window more. Sheena raised her eyebrow, leaned back, and landed right into Zelos' arms.

"ZELOS!" snarled Sheena.

"STOP THE CAR, REGAL!" Raine snarled.

"RUN!" cried Lloyd, and everyone threw open doors and the back to dart from the car.

"GET BACK HERE!" Raine snarled, taking her staff out of the van, "I SAID HOLD IT!"

Colette ran straight for the nearest building, but, being the klutz she was, tripped over a crack and rolled twenty feet before slamming into two other students.

"Watch it!" Gaz Membrane said, angrily, as a blonde girl rolled into her, which forced her to be knocked into her brother, Dib.

"I'm so sorry!" gasped Colette, "I didn't mean to hurt you!"

Gaz grunted and walked off, her face buried in the new Game Slave 4. Dib, who had been reading Mysterious Mysteries Magazine, brushed his sleeve off and turned to Colette.

"Sorry about Gaz. She's… a little anti-social," said Dib.

"It's alright, really," Colette said, happily, "Are you guys new students here?"

"Yes," Dib said, "We were so excited when we got our letters! We might even learn magic!"

"Don't count on it," said Gaz, flatly, "They say only talented people get to learn magic."

"But your head is so big, that must mean you have the stamina for magic," Colette pointed out. Gaz snickered.

"Thanks," said Dib, annoyed that she had called his head big, "Are you here alone?"

"No, I'm here with my friends," Colette said. In the background, Raine chased Lloyd, repeatedly concussing him with her staff. Sheena and Zelos fought over in another corner, Genis, Kratos, and Regal are stood by the side of the van, shaking their heads, and Presea hadn't moved from her seat, the sound of chainsaws barely audible over Raine's threats of bodily harm to Lloyd.

"I see…" said Dib.

"We saved the world once, you know," Colette said, conversationally, "Some mean people wanted to rip the world to shreds, but we were like BAM! And POW! And then Sheena was like, 'OH NO DI-UN'T!' and did some funny snap thingy, and I died twice, but I'm okay now."

"Wow," was all Dib could manage.

"Well, I have to go unpack, see you in class!" Colette called as she skipped merrily back to the van.

"_They_ saved the world?" Gaz said, eyes still glued to the screen.

"I don't know how…" said Dib, blinking.

"Maybe you should ask them for help in battling Zim," said Gaz, "I'm sure they could lend a hand."

"You know, Gaz," said Dib, "I really don't think they would. But I suppose I should try, huh?"

"No. Now before we register, let me make one thing PERFECTLY clear. We are not related in anyway. Got it?" Gaz replied, eye bugging.

"Yes, yes, let's go already," said Dib, the two walking away, "At least I don't have to deal with Zim while I'm here…"

But, unknown to Dib, Zim _was_ to be dealt with. In fact, the little alien and Gir were both sitting in the Voot Cruiser, waiting above the broken gym. It was disguised as a Concorde, and it hovered there as Zim listened to the conversation between the Membrane siblings and Colette.

"BWAHAHAHHAHA!" Zim cackled, "If these are the pathetic humans that plan to defeat me, then this should be a VERY easy way for me to take over the world!"

"Aw, look, he's bleeding!" said Gir fondly, watching Zelos and Sheena's fight.

"Gir! Pay attention!" Zim said.

"Yes, sir!" Gir said, turning red for a moment.

"It appears we shall have to descend upon this new school in order for us to learn more about our new enemies. You will have to accompany me, so we need a new disguise for you," said Zim.

Gir gasped, "Can I finally fulfill my lifelong dream of becoming a mongoose?"

"… no," said Zim, flying the Voot Cruiser away. Gir's disappointed moan was drowned out when Zim nearly hit six figures on broomsticks, all of whom swore angrily and dodged out of the way.

"Watch where you're flying, moron!" shouted Ron Weasley.

"Wait… why the heck was there a Concorde flying over the school like that?" Hermoine asked herself.

"I can't believe Hogwarts closed down," Neville Longbottom said, sighing, "Who'd have thought the House Elves could do such a thing?"

"Well, if Hermione had kept her BIG MOUTH CLOSED," Ron shouted.

"Oh, shut up, Ron, they were being oppressed!" Hermione retorted.

"Oh, yes, such torture for them to do things for us when they LOVED it!" Ron scowled.

"But didn't they embrace the idea of freedom?" Hermione asked.

"Only because Dobby ordered them to revolt," said Neville.

"Knock it off, all of you!" shouted Harry "We're going to have to land so we don't scare any Muggles!"

"What's the point?" Ron asked, "We're just gonna learn more magic here anyway."

"Harry's right!" Ginny Weasley, Ron's younger sister, said from below, "We don't want to frighten everyone else away."

"Doesn't look like there'll be anyone to frighten away," remarked Luna Lovegood, who was flying upside-down.

"Luna, hasn't the blood rushed to your head yet?" asked Hermione.

"Maybe," Luna said serenely, "Maybe that's why I can see the pretty colors…"

"Well, we're here, everyone. Let's go," said Harry, coming to a stop right inside the destroyed gymnasium. Bricks lay across the un-waxed floor, and only half the bleachers were up and functional. One of the baskets was completed, the others sat, disassembled on the floor.

"Muggles are weird. What fun is a game where you gotta run around a court and aim a ball into a little basket?" asked Ron, flatly.

"Come on! I want to register before everyone gets here!" called Hermione, who was already dragging Crookshanks and her trunk out of the gym.

"And some of us would rather have LIVES apart from SCHOOL," Ron called after her. She made a noise and continued out of sight.

"Let's go, then," said Ginny, picking up her trunk as well, "We have a long day ahead of us."

"Right…" said Harry, as he and the others followed.

By this time, the Iselia Crew had gotten themselves under control. Raine had done her deep-breathing exercises, Sheena had sufficiently kicked Zelos' ass, and Presea's batteries had run out. All, except Kratos, Raine, and Regal, were now arriving in the student hallway, accompanied by their bags and such. Gaz was already waiting in the foyer, playing her GS4 and ignoring everyone, grunting occasionally as she was hit by an enemy attack. Dib arrived after Iselia's group, having gotten lost.

"What do we do now?" asked Genis.

"We wait," said Presea, simply.

"For what?" asked Lloyd.

"The computer. Duh," said Gaz.

"What computer? I don't see one…" said Sheena.

The doors slammed open. Zim and Gir had arrived. Zim had his normal disguise, while Gir has been disguised poorly as a blonde, a lot like Colette. Her name, as printed on the nametag, was Girtrude. They strutted in, Zim walking boldly through the Iselia group, while Gir skipped happily, colliding with things, like the wall, a plant, and Zelos. He was knocked into Sheena, who shoved him with enough force to slam into the wall and not move for a second.

"ZIM!" Dib shouted.

"Ah! Dib! I see we've been invited to the same school," said Zim, feigning friendship.

"Don't play that with me, Zim! I know you're here for some sinister purpose! No doubt plotting to take over the world!" snarled Dib.

"Foolish Earth Rust!" shouted Zim, "I am the superior being here, and I am here to gain knowledge! KNOWLEDGEEEEEE!"

"What is wrong with these guys?" asked Zelos in an undertone.

"And why is that kid green?" asked Lloyd.

"Isn't it nice to watch a friendly conversation?" asked Colette happily.

"… Colette, where do you see friendship in that?" asked Sheena, looking as concerned as she had when Presea had been listening to her chainsaw music.

"You know what, Zim? I know some people who can stop you! Some people who have experience in saving the world!" Dib roared.

"Oh, you mean… them?" Zim asked, pointing to the Iselia group, who looked stunned, "They couldn't save a… a… SAVINGS ACCOUNT!"

"What kind of comeback was that?" Genis cried.

"Silence, foolish child!" Zim replied.

"Hey, don't tell him to shut up!" Lloyd snarled.

"Who are you?" asked Dib.

"Give me your name, and I'll give you mine," Lloyd replied.

"I thought you gave that up," accused Sheena.

"Lloyd missing a chance to show off his ego? Yeah, right," Genis said.

"Hey, shut up, Genis!" Lloyd said, smacking him.

"Ow!" Genis cried.

"WILL YOU ALL BE QUIET?" Gaz roared, her rage building over into a fire that consumed the room, "YOUR VOICES ARE CAUSING MY BRAIN TO HEMMORAGE, AND I AM REALLY CLOSE TO THIS NEXT LEVEL. IF I MESS UP BECAUSE OF YOU, YOU WILL ALL BE PLUNGED INTO THE CLOSEST THING TO HELL YOU WILL EVER KNOW!"

Everyone was silent. Then, the doors opened, and the Hogwarts group arrived, chatting animatedly about nothing. They stopped when they saw the fire-like atmosphere of Gaz's rage.

"What the bloody hell…?" Ron asked, startled.

"OHMYGODSPLOSION!" Gir suddenly freaked, "PEOPLE FROM IRELAND!"

Gir threw himself… or rather, herself, onto Ron, clinging to him with happy eyes. Ron, more perplexed than ever, tried to untangle himself from Gir's grip, while everyone else took a few steps back. Everyone else stared. Zim slapped his palm to his face.

"Gerrof me!" Ron called, muffled, "Help me, guys!"

"Um… Gir…trude…" said Zim, "Get off his face."

"But he's a leprechaun!" sobbed Gir, "And I like hiiiiiiiim!"

"So ask him out on a date first, really!" Hermione said, taking out her wand.

"Wizards!" Dib said, gasping, "Can you do magic?"

"Yes," said Genis and the Hogwarts group at the same time.

"You can do magic?" asked Neville to Genis.

"Yes, I am a Half-Elf after all," said Genis.

"And I can, too!" Zelos added.

"But you suck," said Sheena.

"Ouch… that hurt," said Zelos.

"What spells do you know?" Genis asked, enthusiastically, "I know tons, like Spread, Indignation, Prism Swords…"

"Wait, what?" Hermione said, frowning, "What kind of magic is that?"

"Well… the class here calls it Symphonian, I guess," said Genis, "Why?"

"What about Protego, Wingardium Leviosa, and all those spells?" Hermione queried, confused.

"Why would I waste my time on that useless magic when I could be trying to learn Holy Lance and Meteor Storm?" Genis replied.

"Useless? Does your precious Symphonian Magic clean stuff and make stuff move on its own?" Hermione shouted, dropping Crookshanks (he immediately ran off, and was then pursued by Gir.

"Oh, honestly, we're not THAT lazy," said Genis, flatly.

"THE VOICES! THE BLEEDING! SHUT UP!" Gaz snarled, the fire back. Everyone quieted down, though Neville was whimpering.

"The computer arrives…" said Presea, looking more possessed than usual.

"Eh?" Colette said, looking up. She screamed and fell backwards as a giant computer thing fell to the ground, crushing a desk and shaking the room half to pieces.

"WELCOME TO WHITESTONE PREP!" the computer shouted, "PLEASE SUBMIT SOME DNA SO WE MAY ASSIGN YOUR SCHEDULES!"

"Eh? DNA?" asked Ginny.

"YES. SOMETHING THAT WE MAY GET YOUR DNA FROM. YOU KNOW… HAIR… OR BLOOD! BLOOOOOOOOD! GIVE ME !"

Everyone was horrified by this point. The computer was actually drooling.

"Or some spit. Or some skin. OR BLOOOD!" the computer added.

"This is mental…" said Ron.

"The Irish man has a point," said Zim, "This… is… utterly stupid."

"We're not from Ireland, you know," Ginny pointed out.

Presea walked forward and ripped out a piece of her hair. She placed it in the computer, which spat out a few numbers and then produced a schedule. Without a word, Presea walked to Gaz.

"Do you have spare batteries?" asked the pink-haired female.

"Here," Gaz, said, producing a battery from her pocket.

"Thank you," said Presea, placing it inside the CD player. The chainsaw music returned, and Presea walked off.

"Well, since you're all too WEAK to move, I GUESS I'll go NEXT," Gaz said, placing her own hair in the machine. It, too, gave her a schedule, and she stalked off. Colette, fearing nothing, it seemed, came next. But, as always, she tripped over the carpet and smashed her head off the computer, denting it.

"Martel…" muttered Lloyd, slapping his palm over his face.

"Did I break it?" Colette asked.

"No, it just spit out your schedule. Must've gotten some skin from your forehead," said Genis, who had already placed his hair in.

One-by-one, everyone put their names in. Many used hair, though a few used saliva (Ron, Ginny, and Lloyd), and Zelos used blood when Sheena cracked his head off the side of the machine when his eyes travelled a little too low on her body. The computer retreated to its home, and everyone else went to their dorm rooms.

"Look at the Professors!" Colette said, happily, "We'll have Professor Sage for a lot of them… and I wonder who this Ms. Bitters is, we have her for a ton as well…"

"Oh, you _don't_ want to know…" said Dib, horrified at his schedule and the many classes his former teacher taught.

"I can't wait to start magic," said Genis enthusiastically.

"Have you seen Crookshanks?" Hermione asked, suddenly.

"What about Gir? Trude?" Zim added.

As though on cue, Crookshanks came out of the shadows, Gir on his heels. Gir was chasing the cat with an insane grin on his face, while everyone stared. They darted straight for a window, and Crookshanks turned. Gir didn't, and he soared right out the third-floor window.

"Girtrude!" called Coltete, rushing to the window.

"Are you alright?" added Ginny as they all crowded around the window. On the ground, three stories below, they could see him rolling around on the ground slightly.

"Gir! Trude! Answer us, now!" Zim called.

"I found a nickel!" Gir called up to them, "I'm gonna buy Arkansas, k?"

Everyone stared at Gir, and then at Zim. Then, one-by-one, they went to their assigned rooms to rest up for their classes the next day. It was sure to be a long one.

**From the Author's Mind: (June 2011)**

**Not much to say. You've only got 16 more chapters to go!**


	2. Chapter 2: First Classes

**From the Author's Mind: (Updated June 2011)**

**It's nice to be re-reading this again and spell-checking as I go along. I enjoyed writing this a lot and I hope you're enjoying reading it. Apparently the Russian thing with Hedwig and Gir came from my friend Emily but neither of us remember where it came from or why we thought it was funny. Anyway, enjoy!**

Chapter Two

The first day of classes dawned far too early. Everyone was eating in the cafeteria, having been forced to bring their own food since the cafeteria ladies wouldn't be ready for them until lunch. The smells of something akin to burning clothing and leaves were permeating through the kitchen walls.

Lloyd, Genis, Colette, Presea, Sheena, and Zelos all crowded around a table, eating some delicious fruit salads Genis had prepared. Dib and Gaz were both eating toast. Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Neville, and Luna all sat at their own table, each eating things like porridge and bacon. Zim paced, worried.

"Where is Gir? Trude?" Zim asked himself, "He… she… should've returned hours ago with our informational packets."

"Missing something, Zim?" Dib asked from a table over, "Not worried about your little robot friend, are you?"

"Who? What robot? WHAT CRAZINESS DO YOU SPEAK?" Zim yelled.

"Not today, guys," Sheena said, looking exhausted, "It's too early."

"Sheena, you look terrible!" Colette pointed out unhelpfully.

"I know. That crazy one… Girtrude… she came in at three this morning, demanding I take her to the leprechauns. Speaking of which…" Sheena trailed off as Ron walked over.

"Any of you guys know where our first lesson is?" asked Ron, who had left his confused friends for, hopefully, a more informed crowd.

"Yes, it's in the A Building," said Genis at once, "It's second period Social Study with Ms. Bitters."

"Oh no! Do we have a class First?" asked Lloyd, grabbing his schedule out of his bag.

"No, that's only Martial Arts training. Regal teaches it, and only about six students take it," Genis replied.

Ron returned to his table, where the others were in various states of awareness. Ginny was as tired as Sheena, having been cornered by Girtrude on her way to the restroom. Hermione looked wide-awake and excited to start classes. Harry and Neville both looked a little sleepy, but this was to be expected in the morning. Luna, as always, looked like she was on narcotics.

"Where is Hedwig?" Harry asked no one in particular, "She should be here with the post by now."

"What are you expecting?" asked Ginny.

"The Daily Prophet," said Harry.

"Oh," said the girl, uninterested.

Then, the window burst and showered the Hogwarts table with glass. They could make out two figures, Hedwig, and Girtrude, who was riding the poor owl. Screeching furiously, Hedwig tried to pitch Girtrude off into Harry's lap, but only succeeded in knocking over the goblet of milk, right onto Hermione's new stack of books.

"Aww, Rasputin!" Girtrude was saying to the owl, "You said you'd take me to the volcano!"

"Hedwig!" Harry cried, trying to grab the owl.

"Wheehehehehe!" Girtrude giggled, pulling on the birds' feathers. They both flew straight up, shattering another skylight, and flying out of sight. Everyone stared for a minute, and then, a bell rang. They had fifteen minutes to make it to class.

"Don't worry, Harry," said Hermione as they walked to the right building, "Hedwig can take care of herself."

"That Girtrude girl is mental. And so is that Zim guy, and Dib. And Gaz is just scary," said Ron.

"Good. You should be scared," Gaz said, elbowing her way past Ron. Presea followed closely, her chainsaw music loud as ever.

"Blimey… I didn't even hear her come up," Ron said, looking pale.

They were the first to arrive. But the door was locked. The rest of the class eventually assembled (Girtrude and Hedwig had flown in a few minutes after the last people arrived). The bell rang, and the door opened. Ms. Bitters slithered out from behind it, her usual anger radiating from her body.

"Children…" she hissed the word, "Enter now. And be quiet."

"Now _this_ is mental…" Ron muttered.

Everyone stood in front of the room. Ms. Bitters stood behind her desk. She took a large roster out and started pointing to random people.

"Dib! Zim! You were in my class, take your seats," said Ms. Bitters.

"Where?" Dib asked.

"Where you sat in my other class," Ms. Bitters said, growling.

"Alright, alright, we're going," said Dib, flatly.

"You, Gaz. Take a seat in the back. It's where you'll end up in life anyway," Ms. Bitters commanded.

Gaz merely grunted and put herself in the back row. Her Game Slave 4 continued to beep, and her eyes would bug every so often.

"The rest of you, sit down. If you make a sound, bad things will happen to you," said Ms. Bitters.

"Like what?" one student asked. He was not with any of the main groups, the only one not to be so.

The floor opened up and the boy fell inside of it, screaming as he fell into God-knows-what. The rest of the class froze, stared at Ms. Bitters with looks of utter terror on their faces, and scuttled to their seats. Predictably, Genis and Hermione were front-and-center of the class. In the back row, Harry and Ron were in one corner, Presea and Gaz in the other. The row in front had Luna sitting around Gaz and Presea, Girtrude and Colette happily whispering about animals, and Lloyd staring at Colette and her beauty. Zelos, Ginny, and Sheena were in the row ahead, Zelos admiring the nice view his central location gave him, and Sheena talking quietly with Ginny. Neville was the only person in the second row, right behind Genis.

"I am here to attempt to force your brainless heads to comprehend a simple thing called Social Study," said Ms. Bitters, picking up her long poker stick thinger, "And this means History, Civics, Government, Psychology, Sociology, Moroniology, Consumerism, and all that encompasses that broad category of Social Study."

"Ms. Bitters?" Dib interrupted.

"What now, Dib?" Ms. Bitters replied.

"I would like to make a quick announcement to my new classmates… may I?" asked Dib.

"… You have eight words, Dib," Ms. Bitters said, twitching.

"My fellow students, Zim is an alien. I—"

"—your words are up, sit down!" Ms. Bitters hissed.

"But I…" Dib said, and trailed off as Ms. Bitters got in his face and growled like the Chihuahua. Everyone stared, not knowing what to think. Zim smirked.

"May I, ma'am?" asked Zim.

"Yes," Ms. Bitters.

"Permission to add a few more words?" Zim asked, looking as respectful and innocent as possible.

"Granted," Ms. Bitters said, slithering back to her desk.

"My fellow students… I come here, not to harm or hurt you. I come to be peaceful, gentle, and make friends with you," Zim began, standing in front of the room.

"Noooooo you dooooooon't…" sang Girtrude.

"SILENCE!" Zim roared at him… her… it… "My friends, I merely wish to explain to you why heartless Dib seems to think I'm an alien. You see, I have a skin condition."

Colette and Hermione gasped, looking horrified. A few people looked convinced, but some, including Genis and Presea, looked doubtful. Many turned cold eyes on Dib, who sat with his mouth open, gesturing furiously, but without the permission to make a sound.

"This very annoying condition causes me to have green skin, no ears, and a very fragile soul. I wish those of you the best of luck on your journeys in life, because it may not be long before mine comes to an abrupt and painful end. Thank you," Zim said soberly, sitting down and hiding an evil grin with a pretend sob.

"Zim, we didn't know!" Colette said, tears in her eyes.

"We hope you have a fun time here…" said Hermione.

"I don't know…" Genis muttered, "I have never heard of that kind of condition before…"

"It's very, very rare," Zim said, "I guess I just lost the genetic lottery, you know…?"

"If you children are done, your attention should be focused up here now. To begin with our unit on Social Study, we will do a unit on all the MISTAKES and FAILURES of the past so you can see exactly what will happen when you become adults yourselves. But first, we must get our utensils."

She hovered to the door and her legs rematerialized like landing gears. In the cupboard were gigantic, stapled papers, held together by very powerful staples. She threw these at everyone, each landing on their desks perfectly.

"Because of budget cuts, we have been issued government textpackets for the duration of the school year. You are responsible for the upkeep and protection of these textpackets. If you lose, damage, break, burn, deface, destroy, violate, trash, recycle, or otherwise harm a single fiber in these packets, the replacement costs will be more than you will ever make. So don't hurt them!"

"Does it really cost that much more for textbooks instead of textpackets?" asked Lloyd.

"Yes. Now be quiet, I must teach," said Ms. Bitters, "Open your packets to page 16, we shall begin our discussion on the Eucalyptus Wars now."

"What war was this?" whispered Ron to Harry.

"Hell if I know," Harry replied, gloomily opening his textpacket.

"You can see from this detailed drawing, children," said Ms. Bitters, displaying a picture on the overhead (which was merely a few stick figures with guns, and some red blood), "General Plumbumfinkcle was a fool, for if anyone could inspire so much hate among minorities such as—"

"I'VE FOUND IT!" Girtrude shouted, eyes bugging from the costume, "IT'S THE PROMISED LAND! RASPUTIN! RASPUTIN, WE MUST GO! WHEE!"

Girtrude flung itself through the classroom, past Miss Bitters, into the overhead's projection and the wall, and through the walls, leaving a big hole where it was. Everyone stared once more, and then turned back to their teacher, who was talking like nothing ever happened.

"… and then the fighting broke out a dark, gloomy, depressing day in April. It was catastrophic, and Plumbumbfinkcle should've thrown himself off a cliff for that reason…"

"Ms. Bitters!" Hermione said, hand in the air.

"Who are you and what do you want?" asked Ms. Bitters.

"Hermione Granger, ma'am, and I wanted to ask you a question about the first battle in Ridgebu… why did they use the Defensive Plan instead of the Offensive Plan General Plumbumbfinkcle came up with?"

"I was once a soldier…" said Miss Bitters, a flashback occurring. She stood on a hill with a helmet, a gun, some binoculars around her neck, and a cigar in her mouth. She gritted her teeth, snarling something, and waving her arms for them to move out. They walked for a little bit, "I saw some things I never want to think about again…" Charging platypuses suddenly attacked, and the whole platoon went down in mere seconds, "And so, you see, that is why you can never trust mammals to do anything right. They always screw it up somehow."

"But aren't humans mammals?" asked Sheena.

"Congratulations, you win a golden star," said Ms. Bitters, throwing a giant, golden star at Sheena. The ninja-girl ducked out of the way and it somehow managed to hit Zelos in the face. Sheena picked her head up, looking mortified. Zelos was knocked unconscious, but no one really cared that much, so he lay there, bleeding and not moving.

"Now, for our next lesson—" Ms. Bitters began, but was interrupted by a loud beeping noise, "Ah. It appears we have an announcement. Bow before the great computer!"

The computer that had tried to get everyone's DNA before dropped out of the ceiling again. It slammed onto the projector, shattering it. It made a few beeping noises, and then began to speak.

"All of those wishing to take magical courses must take Intro to Magic this evening and pass the test. If you fail to pass, you are obviously a pathetic, normal worm and have no special talents and will never amount to anything in life. The only way to redeem yourself is to donate lots of your blood to…"

"Alright, that's enough from you," Ms. Bitters said, kicking the computer with so much force that it flew out the side of the classroom wall, taking a large chunk of the wall with it. Then the bell rang.

"That was ridiculous," said Sheena as they walked along the courtyard.

"I don't think so," said Hermione, reviewing the notes she'd taken, "I learned a lot about how Australian plants can cause so much hatred between Jews and Republicans…"

"She is a novel teacher," agreed Genis, "But not an unintelligent one."

"Alright!" Lloyd said, happily, "We have Professor Sage next!"

"And then that Bitters woman again," pointed out Ginny, "She's a psycho…"

"Where's Zelos? Did anyone remember to get him up from his nap?" Colette asked.

"You know, I think he stopped being among the living," said Sheena, smiling faintly.

Back in Ms. Bitters' floor, Zelos awoke. Ms. Bitters stood at the front of her slightly destroyed room, staring at Zelos. Zelos stood up and smiled a little nervously. She kept staring. He blinked. She stared. Beads of sweat poured out of Zelos' face as his teacher kept her eyes on him at all times.

"Okay, see ya!" said Zelos, rushing out of the room as quickly as possible. She continued to stand there, not moving for another hour or so.

When the bell rang again, everyone reported to Raine's Math Class. The Professor had been spending most of the morning preparing, and was excited to get teaching. This was obvious as she skipped around the room joyously while everyone was entering. Genis looked highly embarrassed at his sister's behavior.

"Raine, calm down," Genis hissed, "You're scaring the others."

"That's _Professor Sage_, Genis," corrected Raine happily.

"But… oh, whatever," Genis said, taking a seat in the front row again.

"No, no, I'm putting you all in Alphabetical Order," said Raine with a grin, "I'll post the seating arrangements…"

Row 1: Colette, Neville, Genis

Row 2: Presea, Luna, Ginny, Zim

Row 3: Sheena, Dib, Ron

Row 4: Hermione, Gaz, Zelos

Row 5: Lloyd, Harry, Girtrude

"You realize I was already in the right seat, right?" Genis said, flatly.

"This isn't so bad…" said Colette, "I'll be able to see the board.

"Aw… _Professor_," whined Zelos, "I'm not near any hunnies…"

"That's a _good_ thing, Zelos," replied Sheena, who was looking a little anxiously at her next-door neighbor, Dib.

"Your hair smells like an emu!" Girtrude said, leaping on top of Ron.

"Oy! Get off me!" Ron shouted, throwing Girtrude off his head.

"Why does _Zim_ get his own row?" Dib complained.

"Because, puny Dib cow, I am superior to you," said Zim.

"I'm going to be surrounded by idiots…" Gaz moaned.

"But… I wanted a front row seat…" Hermione sighed.

"Hey, Harry, we get to sit next to each other!" Lloyd said, happily.

"Great," said Harry with no enthusiasm.

"Oh…" said Luna, "Row Two and Two seats from the window. That'll attract a Gliphery!"

"What's a Gliphery?" asked Neville.

"Ignore her, Neville," Ginny said.

"I can trade with you, Luna!" Hermione practically shouted, almost throwing herself on top of the younger teen.

"ALRIGHT! THAT'S ENOUGH!" Raine shouted, eyes blazing, "SIT IN YOUR SEATS. THESE ARE FINAL, AND THERE ARE NO CHANCES OF CHANGING!"

"But…"

"I SAID _SIT_!" Raine commanded, wielding her staff like it was a weapon of mass destruction. Then again, in her hands, it was.

"This class is gonna be hell… pure hell…" muttered a voice, which couldn't be identified. Raine's head shot up like a vulture's, and she glared for a few moments, before proceeding to write some stuff on the board.

"Sheena," muttered Hermione.

"What?" Sheena whispered behind her.

"What does that third line of instructions say?"

"They say we have to open our textpackets to page three and—" Sheena began.

"Why? We don't even have our packets yet!" Hermione snapped.

"Gee, could that be because… _she hasn't given us our texts yet?_" Sheena retorted, whirling around to look Hermione in the face.

"You know, Sheena," said Hermione, coolly, "You might consider combing your hair in the morning, I can't see past it."

"And Zelos calls me a hypocrite? Looked in a mirror lately, Little Miss Shrub?" Sheena retorted in an acid tone.

The people around them were beginning to enjoy themselves. Zelos especially enjoyed watching the girls fight, while Harry and Lloyd nervously waited to see if they'd have to intervene. Gaz's eye twitched with every other word, and the rest of the class tried to pay attention to Raine, who was outlining the entire course for them.

"Well, let's agree to disagree," said Hermione, "I have bushy hair, you have a big head. End of discussion."

"You call my head big? What about him?" Sheena cried, pointing to Dib.

"My head is not big!" Dib yelled.

"Your voices… MAKE THEM STOP!" Gaz roared.

The class seemed to break out into general pandemonium at that point. The only three who seemed to either not notice the small riot building, or rather had nothing to contribute, were Luna, Presea, and Zim (although he was laughing maniacally).

"RAY!" Raine suddenly shouted.

The bursts of light erupted from right above the center of the room, slamming straight into all the students. Although only Lloyd, Dib, Zelos, and Zim took direct hits, they got the message. Raine stood before her class, breathing heavily and shaking. Everyone else remained in whatever position the explosive spell had put them in, since none had ever had a teacher that would try and eradicate half the class if they were disruptive.

"I will have order when I'm teaching!" Raine snarled, spit flying from her mouth, "Now, since this class is almost over, you're homework will include finishing up notes for section one and doing all the problems on Page 12!"

"Noooo… homework…" groaned Lloyd.

"Lloyd, if you want to keep your head, you should shut up," Harry whispered from next to him.

"Presea, can I ask you a question?" asked Dib.

"… Yes?" Presea asked, cutting her eyes to Dib for a few seconds.

"How did you avoid that ray of light?" asked Dib.

"I moved," said Presea simply as the bell rang. She stood up and walked robotically from the room. Dib stared.

The next class, to many of the students' dismay, was Careers. Once again, they graced the presence of Ms. Bitters, who was in a different room since her other room was still smoldering slightly. Their sadistic teacher stood before them, a stack of papers in her curved hands. They took the same seats they'd taken in Social Study, and Ms. Bitters stood next to her desk, waiting for the bell to ring. When it did so, her door slammed shut with a sinister locking noise, and she moved to the center of the room.

"Some of you are future people," said Ms. Bitters, "But most of you are nothing, and will remain NOTHING forever. But that is irrelevant to this class. You are here to learn about the joys in holding a career, but, first, we must find out what your careers are."

"Is it the blob test again?" asked Dib.

"No," said Ms. Bitters, "It's a better test now. It has green, wavy lines."

"But, the test already said that I'd be a Para—" Dib started to complain.

"SILENCE!" Ms. Bitters snapped, "You will take this test again to see if your futures have improved. Though this is highly doubtful."

"Please, ma'am," Hermione asked, breathlessly, "When will we know our results?"

"When you are finished with your test," said Ms. Bitters, taking a step towards Hermione, "Our computer will analyze them and give us an instantaneous answer."

"How specific is it?" asked Neville.

"Very," said Ms. Bitters.

"What are the chances these will be right?" asked Ron.

"One hundred percent," replied Ms. Bitters.

"Though there is a .0048% margin of error," Presea added.

There was a stunned silence. No one had ever contradicted Ms. Bitters before. The teacher regarded the student closely, a strange look on her face. One that was eerily… prideful.

"Um… Ms. Bitters… the tests…" said Genis, timidly.

"BEGIN!" shouted Ms. Bitters, slamming the papers down on everyone's desks, one by one.

The test was actually very easy. The blots were back, and there, indeed, were some squiggly, green lines. There were even a few general knowledge questions on the third page, and a small written response on the fourth page (it had something to do about whether it was relevant for the government to invest in the educational system). When time was up, Ms. Bitters collected the answers.

"Computer, analyze this," said Ms. Bitters.

The computer plummeted out of the ceiling again. It made a grinding noise as it started up, and then spoke in a very sullen, angry voice.

"Analyze this, analyze that, WHERE IS THE BLOOD YOU PROMISED ME?" roared the computer.

"Another time," Ms. Bitters replied, coldly, "Just analyze these tests."

"… meh," the computer said, scooping the papers up, spitting another one out, and then retreating into the ceiling.

"Your fates have been decided once more. Colette… you are going to be a veterinarian," said Ms. Bitters.

"No surprise there," said Lloyd as Colette squealed and clapped her hands together.

"Presea, you will be the one to take over for me when I pass on," said Ms. Bitters.

"… Yes," said Presea, nodding slightly.

"Sheena, you are going to be a Telemarketer," said Ms. Bitters.

"What? You've gotta be kidding!" said Sheena.

"You'll have to make funds for Mizuho somehow," said Lloyd, snickering.

"Hermione, you're going to be a—" Ms. Bitters began.

"NO! Don't tell me!" cried Hermione, plugging her ears.

"… Lloyd, you're going to be a barber," said Ms. Bitters.

"Wait, what? A barber!" exclaimed Lloyd.

"You'll need to make funds for better swords somehow," Sheena snickered.

"Hey, these are made of solid sycamore," Lloyd replied, showing her one of his wooden swords. Harry edged his seat away slightly.

"Neville, you're going to be a Nurse," said Ms. Bitters.

"But… I can't stand the sight of blood," said Neville, looking pale.

"Luna, you're going to be a conspiracy theorist and C.I.A. operative," said Ms. Bitters.

"Hehehe… the birds flew away…" said Luna, who was staring at a flock of birds that had been previously sitting on the side of the window.

"Dib, you're going to be a… Paranormal Investigator," said Ms. Bitters, flatly.

"Yes! Again!" Dib said.

"Gaz, you're going to be a Kindergarten teacher," said Ms. Bitters.

"But… the children… they fill me with such a deep rage," Gaz said, eyes bugging slightly.

"Harry, you're going to be a man," said Ms. Bitters.

"… That was anti-climactic," said Harry, "But nice to know."

"Genis, you're going to be a Chef. Who cooks things. With magic. A Magical Chef," said Ms. Bitters.

"Cool! I can finally combine my two passions in life!" Genis said, excitedly.

"Being a brat and a loser?" Zelos said from the back.

"Zelos," said Ms. Bitters, going out-of-order for a minute, "You're going to be a man-whore. With syphilis."

"That explains so much…" said Sheena while Zelos looked stunned.

"Ginny, you're going to be an actress," said Ms. Bitters.

"Cool. Will I make a lot of money?" asked Ginny.

"… Yes," said Ms. Bitters, "Ronald, you're going to be an astronaut."

"What's an astronaut?" Ron asked, perplexed.

"Zelos, you're going to be a singer," said Ms. Bitters.

"Wait, isn't he going to be a man-whore?" Sheena asked, looking crestfallen.

"Yes," said Ms. Bitters, "Girtrude, you are going to be a farmer."

"FINALLY!" Girtrude screamed, and then ran from the room, knocking the door askew on its hinges.

"Gir! Trude! Get back here, this instant!" Zim called after his robot. Out the window, they saw her calmly walking away, towards another building.

"Zim! You will be…" Ms. Bitters began.

"LORD OF ALL HUMANS!" Zim roared.

"… yes," Ms. Bitters replied.

"FINALLY!" Zim cried, and then ran around the room, cackling maniacally, "I SHALL RULE YOU ALL FOREVER!"

"Take your seat, Zim!" Ms. Bitters called, "For today's lesson, we shall—"

She was interrupted by a large, bright, flashing red light that fell out of the ceiling, hit the floor, and started to blink at a seizure-like level. A loud alarm sounded, its decibel level enough to cause everyone to clamp their hands to their ears.

"It would appear we have a fire emergency in the school," said Ms. Bitters, "Children, follow the evacuation procedure and keep to the correct hallways or the scary fire demons of North Dakota will eat your solar plexus."

"Do you think they really exist?" Colette called above the noise.

"She probably just made them up," came the shouted reply of Ginny, "Let's go, everyone!"

They left the large building. Having been on the first floor, this was no problem for them. The fire, apparently, had started on the third floor, and many people were still escaping, hacking up lungs and spleens. Hermione seemed on edge.

"Don't you think we could put this out with our magic?" she asked the other wizards.

"Maybe. But this is just too cool!" Ron said, watching as part of the roof collapsed.

"Danger of building collapse: 96%. Repositioning advised," Presea said.

"She's right. We should really move…" said Harry.

Sure enough, right after the group had retreated, the building fell over with a loud crash. It blocked half of the path to the lunch room, so they wouldn't be able to get there for their lunches when it started.

"I wonder what we do now…" muttered Sheena.

Ms. Bitters slithered up behind them.

"GO HOME NOW!" she hissed.

Everyone jumped as she slithered away. Eyes wide, the groups dispensed into their groups of friends and went their separate ways. Zim sat, watching the fire in the same manner a mother watches her two-year-old son play. Girtrude suddenly emerged from the flames, her hair on fire and her skirt singed.

"Gir! Trude!" Zim roared, "Did you do this!"

"No! Oh wait, yes, I did!" Girtrude replied happily.

"Gir! I mean, Girtrude! Do you know what a risk this is to us?" shouted Zim, "What if we get caught?"

"I blamed it on him," said Girtrude, pointing to another random student. Many operatives from the C.I.A. suddenly swung down from rope ladders attached to helicopters, Luna with them (although she was just dreamily hanging upside-down). They grabbed the kid, and were gone in a heartbeat.

"… Good work Gir. Let's get yogurt," said Zim, leading them away from the raging inferno.

**From the Author's Mind: (June 2011)**

**Aw yeah, fires and junk! **


	3. Chapter 3: First Clases Part 2

**From the Author's Mind (Updated June 2011):**

**So this is actually Chapter Three even though it's been mislabeled as Chapter Four for over two years. I also blamed any spelling mistakes in here on being sick, but those mistakes SHOULD be corrected by now. Please continue to enjoy! **

Chapter THREE

"What class do we have now?" asked Harry as the fires were put out from the building they had just been in.

"Well, it would have normally been Traditional Magic," said Hermione, "You know, the _good_ magic…"

"You mean the useless, powerless magic," said Genis derisively.

"But why don't we have it?" asked Colette.

"We have to take Intro to Magic first, DUH!" Gaz pointed out unkindly.

"Just as well," said Ginny, "Snape teaches it."

"Snape?" Harry and Ron gasped, "He's a Professor?"

"Yes," said Hermione, looking faintly annoyed, "I told you both last night."

"Well, you were going on so much about it that I tuned out after you told us about Weapon Appreciation," said Ron.

"What's that?" asked Dib.

"We get to use weapons to hurt each other. DUH!" Gaz said.

"Oooh… guns, bombs, and lasers?" Zim, who had rejoined the group, asked enthusiastically.

"No, swords, maces, scythes, all sorts of older weapons and stuff," said Zelos.

"I wanna use a kukiri!" Girtrude exclaimed jumping around happily.

"Do we _have_ to take Intro to Magic?" Neville asked, looking crestfallen.

"Yes… why?" asked Ron.

"I… I don't know, just curious," said Neville evasively.

"Well, what's after that?" pestered Sheena.

"English with Mr. Aurion. DUH!" Gaz replied.

"Gaz, you're so angry today," said Colette, "Do you want to talk about it?"

"No. I do want you to get out of my light so I don't have to bring the pain upon you, though."

"Er… okay!" Colette said, moving away from her.

"I have an idea! Let's go do our homework for Math!" said Genis happily.

Everyone glared at him. Well, everyone except Hermione, who agreed. However, their animosity from their ties to their respective magic did not allow them to do such a thing peacefully, and they returned to the group five minutes later, each red in the face and shaking with rage.

When everyone did finally get to English, they found Kratos waiting for them. He stood at the front of the room, surveying the class as they entered. He had the normal emotionless look on his face as he waited for everyone to settle down. He allowed them to choose their own seats, and then began class.

"I assume you can all speak fluent English," said Kratos, "So I won't even go into the obvious about this course. What you do need to know is our other agendas: literature, public speaking, and better writing habits. I hope you're prepared to work, because your first six homework assignments will be due by Friday."

Hermione and Genis looked thrilled. Most of the class, however, groaned and slammed different body parts on their desks. Kratos seemed to gain a sick sense of enjoyment at watching his class suffer at his hands. He walked over to the side of the desk, picked up four textpackets (one on writing, one on vocabulary, one filled with different literature selections, and one with only grammar), and passed them out. When this was accomplished, he leapt to the front of the room (skipping three rows of people) and began a lecture on nouns.

When class was over, he told them they had their first vocabulary exercises due Friday, along with two essays, an out-of-class novel selection to read for the month, a three-to-five minute self-introduction speech, and a reading assignment from their literature book. Heads spinning, the class proceeded straight to a small, dark, dungeon-like room with only six candelabras to light it.

"Welcome to Weapon Appreciation," said Kratos, emerging from the shadows and causing almost everyone to jump, "You are here to learn the art of fighting with various weapons, and appreciate the pain they can inflict. My assistant will be Ms. Bitters."

Ms. Bitters appeared from the shadows as well. She was holding a scythe and wore a hooded cloak. She looked like the Grim Reaper, and Neville looked like he was going to pass out.

"These weapons are completely real, and the damage they can inflict is very high as well. So if you get hurt, you will be doomed. To your advantage, Professor Raine will be ready to Heal at any moment, and Professor Kratos also knows a few Healing spells…" she said, "And if you can beat either him or me in a duel, you get a prize. CHOOSE YOUR WEAPONS!"

The class moved to the different racks. They had everything: swords of all sizes, maces and flails, cross bows, regular bows, scythes, sickles, axes of every shape, size, and color, clubs, staves, even some boomerangs! It was a difficult decision, but many people took weapons that would match their personalities.

Lloyd, predictably, had two medium-sized swords, which he immediately put into his belt. Colette had finally ditched her chalk rams and picked up a crossbow, while Genis had merely substituted a small flail for his kendama. Sheena, instead of cards, was going to use a sickle and a sling for longer-range battles. Zelos had taken a rapier and dagger, while holding a small shield in his off hand. Presea, true to her style, had her beloved ax by her side, a tiny dagger in her pocket.

Far from being original, Harry and Ron had taken identical swords. Hermione settled with a quarterstaff. Neville timidly took a regular-sized bow. Ginny had outfitted herself, surprisingly, with a hand axe and two throwing-axes. Luna, on the other hand, started snatching up weapons like crazy. She had three sizes of swords, a crossbow strapped to her back, a staff that was shorter than Hermione's, two axes, a flail hanging from either hip, and a scythe to finish off the appearance. She looked capable of murdering everyone else in the classroom from this array of weaponry, and a few people edged away from her.

Zim took a sword that was far too big for him, but wouldn't take Kratos' warnings of using a lighter sword and just drug it around with him. Dib had picked out a sword as well, although his was much broader than the other ones. Girtrude took the boomerang, and danced happily around with it, hugging it and beating people over the head with it. Gaz had taken a scythe identical to Ms. Bitters. It was twice her size, but she wielded it as though she'd been born to it.

"Now that you've got your weapons, I want you to study your weapon, learn its strengths, weaknesses, and how to battle with it. Tomorrow we shall work on basic combat with it," said Kratos.

"Wait, why can't we just do that today?" Dib asked.

**Because I, the author, am extremely lazy and I don't feel like writing out ten individual battle scenes yet. DUH!**

Everyone wondered where that voice had come from. At first they looked at Gaz, but she looked as confused as everyone else. So, they shrugged, put their weapons back on the racks, and left for Science class with Raine. Since the classes were divided up into three groups of four forty-five minute classes (the first group lasting from 8:00 to 11:45, second from 1:00 to 4:45, and the final group from 7:00 to 10:45), they were already pretty tired, but many still had five classes to go.

"As you can see," said Raine, while she stood in the middle of her classroom with the students gathered up front, "The classroom is divided into two-person tables. You can each choose a lab partner, and then I will assign seats for you. Remember, your lab partner is final, and any projects and labs will be done with them. Choose."

Everyone partnered up with their friends. Lloyd and Genis immediately joined up, as did Ron and Hermione, Luna and Neville, and Harry and Ginny. Gaz and Presea also joined together, while Girtrude and Colette gleefully became partners. Sheena, to her horror, became Zelos' partner when Zelos convinced Raine they were getting along better, and Dib and Zim flat-out refused to work together, and each took their own lab stations in the back.

"I have not received your textpackets for this course yet, so, until we get them, we'll just do a few simple experiments. But before we do that, we have two more students joining us today. The first hails from… oh, shoot, they smudged the name of the city again. Anyway, his name is… um… Iggins?"

Gaz dropped the large, glass test tube she was holding. The liquid inside ate away at the floor, but she didn't care. All she could hear was the words _Iggins_ being repeated over and over in her head. He eyes bugged as the door slammed open and, sure enough, her archenemy scampered in, eyes bulging horribly from his face. He smiled in a confused manner at the class, before deciding he'd be Dib's lab partner.

"WHY?" roared Gaz to the ceiling. Everyone stared at her for a moment, before focusing their attention back on Raine.

"Our second new student hails from Hogwarts, so our British friends might know her," said Raine.

"I hope it's not Cho Chang," said Ron.

"Her name is… well, her last name is not on the records, but her name is… Tak," said Raine.

This time, both Zim and Dib dropped their test tubes of chemicals, which ate away at their stools. They didn't notice this, however, and merely stared as the door opened and Tak entered, in her human form. She looked a little taller, but her accent was still the same.

"Hey guys," she said, "I'm Tak."

"You went to Hogwarts?" Hermione said, frowning, "Why don't I remember you?"

"Oh, that's because I was in… uh… Hufflepuff," said Tak, thinking quickly, "Yeah, but I saw you all. Especially you…" she finished, pointing to Harry.

"LIAR!" roared Zim, "You never went to Hogwarts!"

"Where's Mimi?" Girtrude asked, "She was such a good friend."

"I'm afraid Mimi has passed on," said Tak, looking sadly at Gir.

"But… but… I can't go on without Mimi!" she burst into tears and started beating her fists on the table. Colette tried to comfort her, but to no success. Girtrude continued to wail until something inside her broke and she shut down. Many people thought she'd fallen asleep, however, and let her be.

"Well, Tak," said Raine, wondering why some of her students were acting strange, "Zim is the only person without a partner, so…"

"What are you talking about? Of _course_ I have a partner!" Zim said, glancing around. He found a volleyball sitting on the back table, quickly drew a face on it, set it on a beaker of boiling water with the face towards Raine, "His name is Pedro."

Tak walked to the back of the room, took one look at "Pedro," and slammed her fist into it. The volleyball hit Zim in the face, and the boiling water scalded him, causing him to fall out of his chair and roll around in pain. Raine sighed, before telling the class they'd better leave before they all blew up another building.

"You," hissed Gaz at Iggins, who was also playing a Game Slave 4, "Why are you here?"

"Because I got an invitation," said Iggins haughtily, "I was at this one gaming competition, you know, and then when I easily completed their challenge, they gave me a scholarship for this school! It's great!"

"I don't know why you are here," Gaz said, ignoring him completely. "But if you start to get on my nerves even a little bit, I will turn your life into the most hideous thing on earth, do we have an understanding?" Gaz said quickly.

"I don't think you will," said Iggins, "For I have mastered a special fighting art known only to gamers who get picked on because of their lack of physical strength. It is called Thumb-Qwan-Doe! Hiiiiiya!"

He flung himself at Gaz, who was not prepared to strike back. She didn't have to, though, because Presea had stepped between them and held up her ax. Iggins bounced off it, his head cracking on the sidewalk.

"You will not give Gaz trouble," said Presea coldly, "Unless you want trouble from me."

"What can you do?" asked Iggins, ignoring the pain.

"ENDLESS INFLICTION!" Presea screamed, smashing him repeatedly with her ax. Iggins flew twenty feet away, cut, bruised, and bleeding. He twitched there, giggling like a maniac. His Game Slave 4 flew over next, cut clean in two by Presea's ax.

"THE INHUMANITY!" he screeched, sobbing over his broken game.

"You know, Presea," said Gaz, "I think we're going to get along _just_ fine…"

"Tak! Why have you arrived at this place?" Zim screamed at Tak.

Tak, who had just been talking about Hogwarts with Ginny and Hermione, glanced backwards. Her eyes twitched slightly when she saw Zim, but she didn't let the other girls know about that.

"Just a second, guys, I'll see you at dinner. I have to go talk to Zim," said Tak.

"Just don't let him weird you out," whispered Hermione.

Tak gave them a cheery smile, laughed, and walked over to Zim. The other two British girls walked away, and Tak leered at Zim.

"Tak! What is your reason for following me to this school?" Zim asked.

"Why, I thought that would be obvious," said Tak, "You can't have forgotten our last meeting?"

"No, no I haven't…" said Zim, flatly.

"Well, I'm not as stupid as I was last time," said Tak with a smirk, "I'm going to take my time with my plans. And there is nothing you or your Earth Friends can do about it."

"Oh, we'll see, Tak. WE'LL SEE!" Zim roared.

"Right. Well, I have a lot of homework to do, I'll be seeing you later, I'm sure," said Tak, walking away.

"You shall not defeat me, Tak! I'm on to you!" Zim cried after his enemy.

"What could Tak be doing here?" Dib asked himself while he, Gaz, and Presea sat in Gaz's dormitory room, which was shared by her, Presea, and Luna. Luna was out working with the C.I.A. again, and Presea was working on her first English paper, blaring her chainsaw music from the speakers. Gaz was listening to it, bobbing her head to the beat while playing the game.

"Gaz? Are you listening to me?" Dib asked.

"Turn it up, Presea," said Gaz.

Presea obliged, and people walking on the grounds looked up at the building, wondering if the Texas Chainsaw Massacre was occurring again in the dorms.

"Gaz! You don't remember her dasterdly plot from last time?" Dib cried, "Something is up, and I'm going to find out what."

"Dib, your sister doesn't care in the slightest," said Presea, "And you're ruining my concentration for this paper. I will not get a failing grade."

"How can you concentrate with that horrible racket?" asked Dib, his ears hurting form the chainsaws.

"Hey! This is an awesome song," said Gaz.

"I think you should leave now," said Presea, standing up.

"But… you two are the only ones who believe me…" said Dib.

"We also really don't care that much," said Gaz.

"This is your final warning, Dib," said Presea, "Please leave."

"Fine! Don't help me! But when Tak takes over the world, you'll be sorry. Oh, you'll be—"

"BEAST!" Presea roared, swinging her ax around.

With a cry of pain and surprise, Dib was thrown through the dormitory door, across the hallway, through the dorm across the hall, and right out the window. He fell two stories, landing on his back in one of the green areas around the school. A dead tree sat above him, and in it was Girtrude, who was chatting animatedly with a squirrel. Colette walked over to him and smiled.

"Are you okay?" she asked, ignoring the fact he'd been just ejected out the second story of a dormitory.

"Y-Yes," said Dib, head spinning.

"Here, let me help you," said Colette, but, as usual, all she managed to do was land on top of Dib's bruised and mangled arm as he tried to get up, "Oh! I'm so sorry!"

"No, no, it's alright," said Dib, helping them both up.

"So… what's up?" Colette asked.

Dib explained everything, from Zim, to Tak, to Gaz and Presea, and, finally, his unexpected trip. She listened, though it was hard to tell if she believed him or not.

"I talked to Genis about Zim. He said that he'd checked every medical textbook in the Library and could not find any sort of disease for Zim," said Colette, "But I'm still not sure about that. And Tak, she obviously came from Hogwarts, she was going on for a long time with Hermione and Ginny…"

"I wonder how she knows so much…" said Dib, thoughtfully.

"But Presea knocking you out of a building is quite believable, and, in fact, I expected it to happen at some point," she said.

"Really?"  
"Well, actually, I was rather thinking it would be Zelos… but it looks like you got the honor!" Colette replied, as though it was one of the best things on earth to win.

"Gee… thanks… I think," Dib said unsurely.

"No problem. But it's almost time for me to go to Basic Cooking. Do you have that class?" asked Colette curiously.

"No, I don't," said Dib, "Cooking's never been my thing."

"Oh, I'm sorry," said Colette.

"You don't have to be," Dib said, smiling, "I guess I'll see you in Intro to Magic, then."

"Yep, see you then," said Dib.

As she walked away, Dib smiled happily. He couldn't get the image of her out of his head… nor the pain in his lungs when she had fallen on them. He decided that he would cherish that bruised rib forever, and walked back to his dorm. In the tree, Girtrude was crying, and the squirrel handed him a tissue.

"That's so sweet!" Girtrude said, sniffling, "I'm gonna go make tacos!"

Only nine people reported to the Home Ec. Room that evening. Regal showed them in, and had them sit in the nine desks he had spread out. Genis, Colette, and Girtrude sat in the front row, Lloyd, Neville, and Luna in the second, and Zelos, Sheena, and Presea in the final one.

"Welcome to Basic Cooking," said Regal, "Or, more specifically, Freestyle Cooking. Tuesdays and Thursdays will be Foreign Cooking, and Wednesdays will be Gourmet Cooking."

"Can I make tacos?" Girtrude interrupted loudly.

"Yes, it's our practice day. Make whatever you want, though take no more than half an hour," Regal instructed.

The students moved to their respective kitchen spaces. Using their best knowledge of cooking, combined with the short amount of time, the group set to work, making everything from tacos to cookies to a steak. At the end of the allotted time, Regal called them forward with their foods.

Girtrude, of course, had made tacos. However, they were not like any tacos they'd ever eaten before. They tasted very strange, though not bad. Regal complimented Girtrude on her special use of ingredients, and Girtrude burst into loud, happy tears, hugging Regal's leg for the last bit of class.

Colette had made cookies, though she had slightly overcooked them. They were a little black around the edges, but they tasted alright. Zelos had made the steak, though he had not used any seasonings. Regal told him to at least try and challenge himself next time. Sheena had used various ingredients to cook a Mizuho dish that resembled sushi sis kabob, and it tasted pretty good.

Lloyd tried to bake a cake, but had succeeded only in setting the oven on fire. He tried to hide it, and begged Genis to use Aqua Laser on the stove before Regal noticed. However, it ruined the cake, which was now a sloppy, yet crispy, mess. Regal sighed and told Lloyd he'd have to improve his safety standards if he wanted to continue cooking in the class.

Presea had fixed a hearty stew with plenty of meat and vegetables. The only flaw was that she hadn't cut the meat up small enough, so some of it was a little raw. Luna had attempted to make shake-n-bake chicken strips, but she messed up and put far too much breading on them, cooked them for too long, and then dropped them in alcohol. Still, she convinced Lloyd to taste one, which caused him to have to leave the room very quickly. Neville, despite his Potions performances, actually made a very nice loaf of bread from scratch. It wasn't anything too terribly difficult, but it was also very nicely done.

Genis, of course, had not only done perfect on his dish, but had made something difficult. His soufflé was perfect, and he even had time to help Lloyd with the small fire emergency that had erupted in his own oven.

They almost made it through class without any incident (other than the fire, that is), but while she and Colette were cleaning their dishes, Girtrude accidentally broke the pipes in the sink and sent forth a gush of water that started to fill up the room at an alarming rate. Regal shouted orders at them: shut off the appliances, lights, and stoves. He tried to open a window to let the water flow out, but to no avail.

Lloyd returned, opening the door when the water was about five feet deep. Immediately, the water began to flow out at a rapid rate. Gir rode by on a chair, screaming some random Hawaiian words, and shot around the corner and out of sight. The rest of the crass, half-drowned by now, slowly got up and went to get a change of clothes before the next lesson.

The next lesson was Introduction to Magic. Many students had been looking forward to this class, since he would be able to learn magic (well, maybe). Ms. Bitters taught it, so that was going to put many students in the strain. The fact that it was late at night didn't help, either. At eight, everyone reported to her class, though sitting in different seats than normal… with the exception of Hermione, who sat up front.

Zelos somehow managed to position himself so he was surrounded by females. Dib sat next to Colette, and they both talked happily while the rest of the class assembled. Luna took the front right corner, next to Hermione, who was next to Girtrude, who was next to Genis. In the second row, Tak had sat next to Zelos, and she spent a majority of the period whispering suggestively to him and winking.

Presea was on the far right in the third row, with Gaz behind her, and, to Gaz' fury, Iggins in the row behind Gaz. She could hear his breathing and his twittering and his muttering and his sobs over his Game Slave 4. It was enough to make the veins in her forehead twitch. Next to Presea was Ginny, then Sheena, and Lloyd. And behind them, respectively, were Harry, Ron, and Neville. Behind Neville, fuming and glaring over to Tak, was Zim.

"Welcome to Introduction to Magic," said Ms. Bitters when class began, "This course is designed to serve three purposes. First, it will tell the school whether or not you are capable of taking any of the magic courses, or whether you are just a miserable failure at life and will never amount to anything worth remembering."

"She says it so bluntly," said Colette.

"So, we start off with a test. We have taken everything we know about magic and placed it on this exam. Then, in the appropriate boxes, you will put your DNA once more, and then our very own Computer will let us know your fates," the teacher replied.

"Why don't they just use the DNA taken from us earlier?" Dib asked.

"Dib, if you ask questions about everything that comes your way, you will suffer a very early, grisly death!" Ms. Bitters snarled.

"Yes, ma'am," said Dib, sighing.

"Answer the questions to the best of your ability. You have most of the period. Start!" Ms. Bitters said, after she'd passed the papers out.

The test was pretty easy in some sections, and difficult in others. Some parts were dedicated to Healing Magic, some to Symphonian Magic, some to Traditional Magic, and various other things of each section. Nobody, even Hermione and Genis, could turn in a perfect paper, but some did better than others (Lloyd, for example, could answer only about ten of the total questions, and that was because he was cheating off Sheena). Finally, Ms. Bitters collected the papers, and the computer made its appearance again.

"I will now use your DNA to find out your magical prowess!" the computer announced before Ms. Bitters handed him the papers.

"Doesn't it have to do with our answers, too?" asked Genis.

"No," the computer said, "Of course not! You're magical prowess is born into you."

"Ms. Bitters! I thought you said we needed those answers!" Lloyd cried.

"I lied," said Ms. Bitters, stuffing the papers into the computer.

The computer seemed a little depressed that there was no blood among the DNA samples, but he still gave out the results to Ms. Bitters, who placed them face-down on the desks. When she resumed the front of the room, she allowed them to turn them over.

"Gifted in Traditional Magic," said Hermione, "Well, as if there was ever any doubt."

"Gifted in Symphonian Magic," said Genis at the same time, "No surprises there."

"Seer Material," Presea read.

"Average," said Harry and Ron at the same time.

"Awesome Dueler. People flee before your wrath," Ginny said.

"Basic," Neville read, tossing his paper away, "Oh well!"

"Dangerous," said Luna, "That makes me feel special."

"Dangerous," said Girtrude, "I wanna blow stuffs up!"

"Talented, be wary of the Dark Side," Gaz said, ripping her paper up as well, "Psh. Dark Side…"

"There is no hope for you. Give it up," said Lloyd, "Dang."

"Stop being an arrogant asshole and you'd be much more powerful," said Zelos, "Well, that was oddly specific."

"Good with Healing and Summoning," said Sheena, "Hm… I never thought of Healing…"

"Potions, maybe," Colette said, "That should be fun! I'll make a Potion to cure coughing!"

"Talented, keep at it," Tak read, lazily, "Well, we all saw that coming, right?"

"You might make it," Iggins read, and then had a semi-seizure, "Wow! Cool! This is great!"

"Not compatible?" roared Zim, "What is wrong with you, computer?"

"You suck. Go home," Dib read, "Hey! That's not fair!"

"The computer has made its judgement," Ms. Bitters said, "Those of you who get to learn magic may go out now and meet with your instructors. The rest of you get to sit here while we go over the basics of being a wizard, which you will not get to know. Ever."

The room cleared, and only Zim, Dib, and Lloyd remained. Ms. Bitters waited for the last student to leave before sure turned to the rest of the class. She told them for over an hour about how, since they were born without magic, they were going to be forgotten by history and nothing they did would be worthwhile.

"But I saved the world!" whined Lloyd.

"Irrelevant," said Ms. Bitters.

"But I'm going to save the world!" Dib cried.

"Irrelevant," said Ms. Bitters.

"But I'm going to destroy the world!" roared Zim.

"Relevant, but you'll ultimately fail and die, miserable and alone. Just like your fathers!" Ms. Bitters replied.

The bell rang at this point and their teacher disappeared into the shadows. Slightly freaked out, the three boys returned to their friends' sides as the groups made their way to the dorms. The other classes for the night had been cancelled due to the fire earlier that day.

"And I was just like, HEALING MAGIC LOOKS SO COOL! And then they showed us Symphonian Magic and it's like WOW! THAT'LL BE FUN! And those POTIONS look so great! I can't wait, can you?" Iggins was screaming into Gaz's ears. The girl was doing her best not to commit a homicide on her first day of school, but her patience was wearing. Very quickly.

"How was the rest of Introduction to Magic?" snickered Genis as Lloyd joined the Iselia group.

"Oh… you know…" said Lloyd, "Our lives are meaningless and we'll all die and be forgotten the next day."

"But we saved the world!" Colette exclaimed.

"IRRELEVANT!" Ms. Bitters' voice echoed across the grounds, like the howl of the wolf.

Everyone froze, stared at the tallest building on the campus, where their teacher was outlined against the full moon. Everyone stood there for a few minutes before panicking and running to their dorms, locking the doors, and hiding under the covers for the rest of the night.

**From the Author's Mind: (June 2011)**

**Snow Day + Sore Throat + Fever + Ear Ache = Chapter 3. I don't know if you will consider this better or worse, since I was under the influence of MEDICATION when I wrote this. Gives a whole new meaning to the term Crack Fic I suppose.**


	4. Chapter 4: Some Self Intro Speeches

**From the Author's Mind**

**The editing continued into this Chapter where, after spelling the name Colette wrong as Collete, I decided the proper name was actually Collette. God I was dumb. It's also a sign of how old I am, I apparently had Math homework when I originally wrote this. Oh how time flies. I haven't had a math course in over three years…**

**The Real Chapter 4**

The first week at Whitestone Prep finished as insanely as it started. In fact, the situation had gotten worse since almost three-quarters of the students in the school were now doing magic. Many sampled everything, though some, like Hermione and Genis, remained fiercely loyal to their own types and refused to intermix. And as for those who weren't able to do magic, all they could do was do their other assignments while their friends attempted not to blow up another building and learn their spells quickly and effectively.

Friday dawned bright, and, as usual, too early for those in the dormitories, with a few students finishing their homework, some doing their typical morning exercises, and a few preparing for Martial Arts class. In one of the guys' rooms, number 203, Genis was sitting at his desk, making final preparations for their English Speech. Lloyd snored in his bed, in a very uncomfortable-looking position. With only an hour until Social Study, Genis figured he'd better wake his friend up.

"Fireball," he said lazily, sending three fireballs towards the bed Lloyd was in. Lloyd awoke with a yelp, flying right out of bed and landing on a pile of books.

"Genis! What was that for?" he roared.

"We have class in an hour, and you still haven't finished your—"

_**BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM**_

An explosion came from the floor above them, shaking the whole building so much that things fell and people were knocked around. Genis suddenly ended up under his desk, and Lloyd found himself hanging half out the broken window. They could hear muffled shouts and footsteps, but things quieted in a minute or two.

"That was weird," said Genis, picking up his English papers.

"I wonder what that explosion was…" Lloyd muttered.

There was a knock on the door. It opened to reveal Harry, Ron, and Neville, who were in the room next door. They all looked a little shaken-up, with Harry having broken glasses, Neville massaging his neck, and Ron having a huge cut on his chin, which was bleeding profusely.

"What happened to you guys?" asked Genis.

"That bang or whatever," said Harry, "A pile of books fell on my glasses."

"I got whiplash when I jumped," said Neville painfully.

"I was shaving," said Ron, wincing, "Bloody hell… why does it hurt so much?"

"Because you just sliced part of your chin off with a razor," said Hermione, who had appeared from almost nowhere to join them, "We might as well leave for class, it's a mess upstairs."

"What happened?" asked Neville.

"No idea. Sounded like Luna was playing with firecrackers again," said Hermione.

"No, she's out with the C.I.A. today," said Neville, "She won't be back until Careers."

"No fair! She gets to miss Math!" Lloyd whined.

"Oh, come on, Lloyd, Math isn't that bad," Genis scolded.

"Not when you're a know-it-all brat," Ron muttered.

"Ronald!" Hermione snapped, hitting the boy in the back of the head, "Apologize!"

"Why?" came the voice of Zelos, "It's the truth."

He walked by with a towel wrapped around him, a bar of soap and brush in one hand, his clothes in the other. Everyone stared at him, Hermione blushing slightly. He went to his room (one that he had shared with Zim until the latter decided to take a vacated room down the hall), and shut the door.

"I'm going to class," said Hermione. She Disappeareated without another word.

"Is it legal for us to do that?" asked Ron.

"Well, there is no age limit here," said Harry, "Let's go!"

"Alright!" Ron said, and both Disappearated as well, though Ron left behind a fingernail. Neville just sighed and walked away, massaging his neck as he went.

"Lloyd, did you finish the English stuff?" Genis asked, picking up the conversation where they had left off before the interruption.

"What? Oh, yeah, I read that book and stuff…" said Lloyd.

"Your speech?" Genis persisted

"Speech?" Lloyd asked, blankly.

"The one he assigned on the first day of school," said Genis through gritted teeth.

Lloyd's eyes got wide and he gasped. If he didn't have the assignment done, Kratos was going to kill him. Unfortunately, Lloyd had classes all day, right up to English. He was going to be hard-pressed to get a decent speech written by then.

"Help me!" he begged.

"Lloyd, I can't, I have extra credit to do for Raine..." said Genis.

"For what? Healing Magic?" Lloyd asked.

"Yes! In case you haven't noticed, which I doubt you have, I am having trouble in that class," Genis replied testily.

"Alright, alright, I'll just—" Lloyd began, but was cut off when the door opened.

Sheena was the one to open it this time. She smelled of burnt fabric, she had black soot, cuts, and bruises all over her body, and her clothing was smoldering slightly. She looked like she'd been through a plane crash, and then beaten by rabid squirrels with hockey-sticks.

"Sheena! What happened?" cried Genis.

"Colette blew up our room," said Sheena, flatly.

"How?" Lloyd asked.

"She and Girtrude were mixing a Potion of Increased Giddiness," explained Sheena, "I told her to wait for our first Potions Lesson today, but, no, she had to go ahead and mix one herself..."

"Are you alright?" asked Genis.

"Do I _look_ alright to you?" hissed the ninja-girl, making Genis recoil, "And I feel worse than I look. The room's a mess, I'll be surprised if any of my stuff survived. Do you have any aspirin?"

"No, I used the last of it last night when Lloyd was snoring," Genis replied.

"I guess I'll go ask Zim, then. The wizards are gone, I can't find Dib, and I'll be damned if I'm asking Zelos for so much as an acupuncture needle…"

She stormed off as well. With one last glance at each other, Genis and Lloyd picked up their stuff and left for their first class of the day. The way this one had started, it would be a wonder if either would survive.

"CHILDREN!" Ms. Bitters' voice cut through the silence like a metal whip, "Your performance on this past test was horrible. Those of you with pet fish will find yourselves very sad this evening."

The class stared at her, blank expressions on their face. Girtrude, however, wailed and fled from the room, screaming something about a man named Sanchez. Zim didn't even glance at his little robot companion. This was the eighth class he'd run out of this week, and all he'd done so far was burn down one building, caused a water pipe to explode, and forced eight students to leave the school from various internal injuries.

"You may be able to redeem yourself with our next test," said Ms. Bitters, "Although, for many of you, it will seal your fate."

More silence greeted this powerful quote. She passed out the results, face-down. Only Genis, Hermione, and Presea had scored perfectly. A majority of the class had failed, and Lloyd had scored a grand total of sixteen percent. They exchanged gloomy looks while Ms. Bitters seemed to slither back to her desk.

"And we will now conclude our lesson with a wonderful announcement. Many of you remember the unfortunate fire at the beginning of this week," said Ms. Bitters, "This building housed many of your magic classes, as well as Health class and Art. You will be pleased to know that our builders have finished repairs, and you will be able to begin your serious studies in magic today."

There was cheering from this, since everyone had been looking forward to learning real magic. Besides Healing Magic, that is. Raine made the class far too challenging, and a little boring, to be honest. The prospect of having new teachers was very exciting to some, though many were worried about Potions and Traditional Magic, seeing as Snape hated almost everyone at the school already.

"And since I have all of you for Careers, you will be beginning a bi-weekly internship with your assigned partners. In other words, you will go into your fields, experience the jobs, and then do a report on what your day was like. Today, however, only Presea need go to her assigned job."

"What about Luna?" asked Neville.

"She's got the week off," said Ms. Bitters.

"And why not the rest of us?" asked Ginny.

"We don't have a mentor for Lloyd," said Ms. Bitters.

"You can't find a barber?" asked Genis.

"I'm not going to be a barber," said Lloyd stubbornly.

The computer flew out of the ceiling and landed on Lloyd's desk. It looked rather psychotic today, with a weird face on it, drooling a bit more. The spinning parts of eyes were blood red. It leaned over Lloyd, looking possessed. Everyone around him moved away.

"Oh! But you will! For I have seen it. IN YOUR DNA! There is no denying it!" roared the computer, "And now that I have your blood, I can forever feast upon your soul!"

"But… you don't have my blood," said Lloyd in a small voice.

"… oh crap," the computer said, and then retreated into the ceiling. A pipe fell down and landed on Lloyd's desk. The class was silent for the third time, and the bell rang soon after.

There was a note on the door of Raine's room when the group arrived. Math had been cancelled because Raine had to tend to the victims of the early morning blast in the dormitories. She left them a rather hefty assignment, so many people sat on the Grounds, working on that for about as much time as they would have been in class. At about nine-thirty, Girtrude came walking back across the grounds. Ginny, Sheena, and Tak were chatting animatedly and doing their homework in the far corner as she approached.

"Girtrude, what've you got there?" asked Ginny curiously when the robot-disguised-as-a-blonde-girl arrived.

"His name is Sanchez!" Girtrude cried happily, holding up a fishbowl with a rather angry-looking goldfish inside of it. He swam in circles, giving looks of death to all that laid eyes on him.

"Sanchez looks angry…" said Sheena.

"He's in the Witness Protection Program!" said Girtrude gleefully.

"Why?" asked Ginny.

"Um… because… he has… a… … …" Girtrude began, but seemed to doze off for a second, "HEY! CHIPMUNK GIRL! HAVE YOU MET SANCHEZ?"

Girtrude ran off with the fishbowl, chasing a young girl with crutches and a neck brace. She had obviously been hurt in the explosion. They disappeared around the corner, and the girls glanced at each other.

"I must go," said Presea, leaving her small group at about quarter-to-ten. Gaz grunted and continued to play her Game Slave 4, while Luna, who had recently joined them, smiled serenely and waved.

The small, pink-haired girl made her way to Building Two, where Ms. Bitters was instructing a different group on Social Study. She made her ways through the silent halls, her expression unchanging. When she finally reached Ms. Bitters' door, she knocked.

A person might have thought there were about eighty doors to unlock. Different clicks, grinds, and other assorted noises radiated from the doorway, which finally opened enough for Presea to fit through. Inside, the class stared blankly as Ms. Bitters finished her lecture.

"… and that's why you should have no faith in this myth called 'pensions.' They're tools, just like each of you," she said, which was followed by the bell, "Alright! Class is over! Carefully place your textpackets back in your bags, and leave. Those of you with paper cuts, feel free to take medical adhesive strips. Those of you with aneurisms, suffer in your imminent doom!"

A few students scurried to the front and peeled a few Band-Aids off. Six remained in their seats, absent looks on their faces. Ms. Bitters waited for the last of the students to leave, or be dragged out by their friends, before beckoning Presea to follow her from the room.

"Presea," said Ms. Bitters, "I have taught miserable future failures for much longer than you can ever conceive to live. In all my years, I have never met such a soulless person as you."

Presea didn't know whether to be complimented or insulted, so she just kept it safe and said nothing. They continued down the really long hallway, students scurrying away from them as they passed. Ms. Bitters moved ahead quickly, and walked to a blank wall.

"You may not repeat what you are about to say to anyone. Otherwise your organs will combust," warned the teacher.

"Yes…" Presea said, nodding taciturnly.

Ms. Bitters punched the wall and a door appeared. She entered, followed by Presea. They walked down another long, dark hallway, not speaking. Ms. Bitters did stop them every few hundred feet, disabling traps and other things that would impede their progress forward.

"You must now accept a fate that has been decided for you since you were born," said Ms. Bitters, "There's no escaping it. You will possess all the knowledge ever to be created, and you will pass it on in hopes that your words will make the world a better place. But don't hold your breath."

"Why?" asked Presea.

"When you know as much about the world as I do," said Ms. Bitters, "You'll understand."

"… Yes," said Presea.

They finally reached a door. Behind them, various things from mustard gas to guillotines, fire traps, spikes, and a few rabid boa constrictors vainly tried to reach the two intruders. Ms. Bitters removed a key from her pocket and opened the door. Inside, Presea froze.

The room was simply one gigantic tower. A staircase went up and around the entire room. The walls were completely covered by books, books of all sizes and shapes. On one small section of a wall, however, was about thirty small TVs with various shows and security cameras around the school on them. Ms. Bitters slunk towards the TVs and stared into one, which showed a few girls playing with a jump rope. She made a noise of disgust and moved back towards the center of the room. The only seating was two gigantic, brown, leather armchairs, which sat next to a roaring fire.

"In this room contains the books, videos, DVDs, and portable cassettes of anything, everything, and anything of everything. This is where you will learn all there is to learn about the world, and where all your faith in humanity will be destroyed."

"Oh…" Presea said, still unsure what to think.

"You may visit this room anytime you wish," said Ms. Bitters, "And the sooner you gain the knowledge, the sooner I can leave. Use the elevator."

"Why did we use the path if there was an elevator?" asked Presea.

"Because Vishnu demanded it," replied Ms. Bitters.

"Well," Kratos said when his students had assembled after lunch, "I'm happy to see you have reported promptly. This is good because I expect to here decent speeches from each and every one of you."

Lloyd sank very low into his seat at this announcement. Genis glared at him, but then turned his attention back to his teacher. A few other students showed signs of panic, either because they forgot to do their speech, or because they were terrified of public speaking. Most, however, looked prepared, resigned, and ready to go. Hermione shuffled her note cards, quivering all over. Neville quivered, pale and dead-looking. Tak and Gaz both wore signs of complete indifference. Harry and Ron glanced at each other, their speeches already half-forgotten. Kratos waited for volunteers.

"Fine. No one wants to go first. Mr. Potter, why don't you go first?" asked Kratos, resuming his seat behind the desk.

"Alright…" said Harry nervously. He moved to the front of the room and faced his class, "Um. Well, I'm Harry James Potter. Everyone says I look like my Dad, but with my Mum's eyes. Uh… um… I guess you could say I'm famous in the wizarding world, having survived the Dark Lord's curse and all. And I like Quidditch. Oh, and I'm marked for destruction, so you all better be careful around me. Thanks."

"Alright… Genis, you go next," said Kratos, writing a few notes down while a few people clapped for Harry.

"Yes, Mr. Aurion," said Genis, moving to the front of the roo next, "My name is Genis Sage. I'm a proud half-elf with magical abilities. When in class, I'm usually at the top."

"Until this year," Hermione muttered.

"In battle, I'm the one shooting the fireballs at everything. Nothing can stand against my magic. My friends are Lloyd, Colette, Sheena, Presea, and sometimes Zelos, when he doesn't call me a brat. My sister is Raine, and she's a little psychotic about ruins. But that's okay, she's very nice. We saved the world when the Cruxius decided to split it apart. And I got accepted to this school because of my outstanding grades. The end!"

"Thank you Genis, that was very… nice," said Kratos, "Gaz Membrane, would you care to go?"

"If I have to…" Gaz said, bad-temperedly. She left her Game Slave 4 on her desk and made her way to the front row. She glanced back at Iggins, who was trying to take the gaming system, and her eyes grew fire in them, "Touch it and suffer for eternity!"

Iggins jumped and fell out of his seat. Presea dropped a book on his head. Kratos sighed and put his head on his desk while Gaz picked a small piece of fabric on her sleeve and looked up at her classmates.

"I'm Gaz. I come from a place far from here, and I live with my stupid brother and my dad. I don't ask for much from society, just to leave me the heck alone so I can play a few video games. Normally, they comply, but when I'm I interrupted my wrath is unleashed and as some people in this room can tell you, my wrath beats anything you can come up with. So stay out of my way and we'll get along just fine."

Nobody clapped for this. A few people edged away from her. Dib looked embarrassed. Finally, Presea clapped a couple of times, and Luna joined in when she snapped out of her daydream. Gaz, unaffected by the lack of applause, resumed her seat and resumed her game, the volume on mute.

"I think we should hear from someone from Hogwarts…" Kratos said, "Tak?"

"Tak doesn't go to Hogwarts!" Zim and Dib cried at the same time.

"I suggest both of you remain quiet or face detention," said Kratos, and then, to Tak, "Go ahead."

"Thanks," said Tak, "My name's Tak. I'm a witch from London, England, and I've attended Hogwarts with the famous Harry Potter and his friends since their first day. I was sorted into Hufflepuff, where I learned quickly that hard-work and friendly attitudes pay off. I was unbeatable in Charms, Transfiguration, and Potions… except for Hermione, of course."

"She's really laying it on thick…" muttered Dib.

"And though I was disappointed about Hogwarts closing down, I certainly understand how the House Elves felt. I was a slave for most of my childhood, reduced to cleaning up _trash_ because of a certain _incident_ involving a _power failure_ and a _locked door_. But, now that I'm free from that, I can pursue my intellectual tracks. I hope I can be helped, it's not easy having to deal with a slave-like childhood and have the ability to go on. Thank you."

Everyone clapped, cheered, and whistled. Zim twitched angrily, and Dib slammed his head on his desk. Tak smirked and took her seat, and Zelos immediately leaned in to discuss something with her.

"Zelos Wilder, you go," said Kratos, interrupting their chat.

"Uh, sure. Hey, Chief, do you think I can get set-up for my speech?" asked Zelos.

"I suppose. How long will it take?" asked Kratos.

"Only about ten minutes. I just need to find my background hunnies…" said Zelos.

"Background hunnies? Nevermind, I don't want to know. Just go," said Kratos.

"Thank you, sir!" said Zelos, gleefully rushing out the door.

"Girtrude, you go instead," said Kratos.

Girtrude walked to the front of the room. She clasped the fishbowl in her hands, knocked Dib out of his desk, and set the goldfish on that. Sanchez swam angrily around, teeth bared.

"Hi!" Gir squealed, "I'm Girtrude! And this is Sanchez. He's my bestest friend, and he's a fish. I like tacos, piggies, moosies, and I wrote a song once, but it got eaten by an armadillo. And then the armadillo and I became friends and then he got hit by a plane while we were playing in Master's base. Oh… I MISS YOU TAVARIUS!"

She collapsed into sobs and was carried back to her seat by Zim, who also drug Sanchez with him. A few people looked moved by the speech, and both Colette and Luna wiped a tear from their eyes. Kratos looked like he had a migraine and put his hand on his face, messing his hair up slightly.

"Since Zelos isn't back, I think you should go, Lloyd," said Kratos.

"Me?" Lloyd gasped, "But… Dad… I…"

"It's Mr. Aurion, Lloyd," said Kratos, "And I just ordered you to go, correct?"

"Yes," said Lloyd, looking like he was going to his own execution. He slumped as he assumed the front of the room. He felt himself turn red as he faced his classmates, each waiting patiently for their chance to speak. Lloyd gulped, glanced at Kratos, and entered his speech.

"Hi. My name is Lloyd Irving. And I… was born to a lady named Anna, and this is my father. I was abandoned, kinda, at youth, raised by a dwarf, and I played with wooden swords a lot. I still have them, look! See? That nick? That's where I hit Dad's stove and nearly burned our house down. Um… I like to fight monsters and stuff, and I saved the world with Genis and Colette, and the others helped a little. Uh… Um… I… hate the mayor of Iselia and people who can't accept people for the way they are. And that's all I can think of…"

"That's fine, Lloyd," said Kratos, though he sounded highly disappointed. Zelos re-entered the room when Lloyd sat down, and his new appearance made many people do double-takes.

"I'm ready, Mr. Aurion," said Zelos with a grin.

He was dressed in over-sized, baggy clothing. He had large, gold chains around his neck, and scantly-clad girls behind him, each goggling over his appearance. All the guys in the class (and many of the girls, minus Tak) looked completely terrified. It wasn't long before it was apparent that Zelos had written a rap song.

"Hit it, Delilah!" Zelos said, snapping his fingers. The lights went out and he was suddenly bathed in a spotlight of different colors, "Yo, the name is Zelos Wi-el-der. But all the ladies call me 'Sir.' My favorite sport is soc-ca, and I'm the Chosen of Tethe'-Alla! Don't get in a tizzy, tonight we'll be busy, and I'll have her back by Monday morn'!"

There was a silence broken by nothing after this. Zelos struck a pose and the lights came on. Tak whistled. Many looked like they'd had strokes. Kratos sat at his desk, and it looked like his entire world had just come crashing down. The fear and embarrassment in his eyes was transferred to his voice.

"The rest of you can go tomorrow…" he said, "I mean Monday. Just… go away… please…"

The class filed out, each looking traumatized. Zelos and his new fan club left, Tak following, in one direction, while the others went in the other direction. Hermione was hysterical about not being able to go, Sheena was hysterical about having to listen to Zelos' song, and Girtrude was hysterical because the song reminded him of Tavarius, and he sobbed all the way to Weapon Appreciation. However, a sign on the door said it was cancelled because Kratos was seeking psychological help, and everyone instead retreated to their dormitories to do homework, listen to music, or curl up into the fetal position and sob.

The next scheduled class for them was to be Divination (since Science and Technology Appreciation were cancelled due to Raine's Healing duties and Regal's kitchen-repair duties). However, Professor Trelawney had gone missing the day previous, and a search party had just left on horseback to find her, so they were to report to Health instead. Back in Building D again, the students took their seats via the lottery, which Ms. Bitters held with extreme displeasure.

"Welcome to Health Class," said Ms. Bitters, "This class is supposed to educate you on the various Health Issues that are currently taking over and dooming this planet. Most of this class will be about identifying terrible diseases, so any impure thoughts you may have had about this class will now be purged!"

A bolt of lightning came from nowhere and struck the front row, where Zelos was sitting. His hair singed and his skin blackened, he slumped backwards into his seat, looking both depressed and in-pain.

"Now, to start with, we need to partner you up for your first report," said Ms. Bitters, "You will be doing a three-page report on a disease of my choosing, and you will present it next week. I will be picking the partners."

"When next week?" asked Hermione, taking out a homework planner. Another lightning bolt struck the homework planner, and Hermione let out a yelp. Ms. Bitters stared at her a moment before returning to the class.

"We will start with plagues. Plagues that swept the planet and destroyed any hopes of peace and intelligence. Who can tell me about the Blue Death?" asked Ms. Bitters.

"Wasn't that the one in Europe with the rats…" began Ron.

"NO!" snarled Ms. Bitters. A third lightning bolt hit Ron squarely between the eyes, sending him flying backwards and into the wall. Ginny, who was sitting next to him, gave a disdainful look to her brother before raising her hand.

"It was a very different disease, one that caused much suffering among people around Fortunasburg, Womanhatten, Ocean Banks, and other big cities. It was spread by contact with infected toenails and 100 percent cotton fabrics."

"Correct," said Ms. Bitters, "Gold star for you!"

She chucked another star at Ginny. She ducked and it hit Ron in the face. Being unconscious already, however, he didn't feel anything.

"Your textpackets will tell you more about the Blue Death. But now I will assign your partners. My ruling is final, and any protests will be squashed," said Ms. Bitters.

"But isn't this country a democracy?" asked Genis. Like those before, he was hit by a lightning bolt, which set his clothes on fire. He swore, ran around in circles, and finally had to cast Spread on himself, which ended up slamming him against the roof and landing on top of Sheena. Her desk and chair collapsed and they lay in a pile of wood and metal.

"The partners are as follows… Zim and Tak," said Ms. Bitters. Zim was suddenly struck by hundreds of lightning bolts, and Tak grinned evilly.

"Sheena and Zelos!"

Sheena was struck because she snarled. Zelos was struck because un-pure thoughts were going through his brain again.

"Gaz and Dib!"

The Membrane siblings glared at each other, but Gaz held up her hand to block the lightning that came for her. Dib was fried.

"Hermione and Genis!"

The two magically-inclined persons also blocked the lightning with Protego and Force Field, respectively.

"Lloyd and Harry!"

Both boys were struck, Harry from rage and Lloyd for sheer stupidity.

"Presea and Iggins!"

Iggins was struck double the amount, since the room didn't seem to want to hurt Presea, yet still wanted to inflict her punishment since she was also filled with a rage.

"Ron and Girtrude!"

Ron was struck once more, getting jolted back into reality. Girtrude shrieked with glee when she was struck, and jumped around, begging for more. She got her wish, eighteen more times. Sanchez, who was now much blacker, floated in his bowl, dazed.

"Neville and Colette!"

Neither of them were struck by lightning. Both sighed in a relieved way, but Colette accidentally knocked her pencil off her desk. Lightning struck both of them, frying them from head-to-toe.

"Ginny and Luna!"

They were the only group not to get struck by lightning. Luna was in a daze already, and Ginny was ready to accept whatever came at her. Or maybe the room just admired her knowledge of the Blue Death. Regardless, the bell rang after this and the class filed out.

Girtrude got one more shock, as did Ron, who now resembled a burnt piece of toast more than anything. Even his hair had turned black. It was going to be a very long evening, with Potions and Symphonian Magic next. With sighs of despair, they moved to the basement, where Snape was sure to be waiting for them. What else could go wrong?

**From the Author's Mind (June 2011)**

**So… yeah… continuing on with the editing. It's irritating that I just remembered that doesn't like to preserve the strikethroughs and other fun things I do on my fonts. Oh well. I think there's a way to fix that that I'm… far too lazy to deal with. Please continue to enjoy reading this story as I continue to enjoy re-reading it and hating myself for mistakes I made before!**


	5. Chapter 5: The First Fight

**From the Author's Mind (June 2011)**

**Merry New Year/Christmas/Chanukah/Kwanzaa/Ramadan/Other Religion. There. No idiot lawsuits about me being racists against religions _; As 2006 (EDIT: OH MY GOD WAS IT REALLY THAT LONG AGO? GOOD GOD) approaches and Irealize I'm going to be a Senior (EDIT: In high school… at the time of this editing, I'm a Senior in college…) before long, I'm hoping my writing improves. It's been a while since we've heard from our dear friends at Whitestone Academy, and they're here to spread their insanity once more. From dark wizards to screaming portraits to some potato chips to duct tape, it's gonna be a fun chapter. Enjoy the Edited Version!**

Chapter 5

It was late at night at the end of the first week at Whitestone Academy. Many of the students, the ones with magical abilities anyway, made their way towards Potions. Actually, that was a complete lie. Only sixteen brave souls had decided to weather Snape's wrath for almost an hour, each looking more nervous with each approaching step than the next. When they finally reached the building, they had to go right into the basement. Snape seemed to keep his fetish for sub-ground rooms alive.

"Enter," he said, coldly, sweeping them all inside, "And stand at the front of the room. I want to split you up myself."

"More assigned seats?" moaned Lloyd.

"Your name is Lloyd, correct?" asked Snape.

"Yes," Lloyd replied nervously, "Give me your name and I'll give you mine."

"I can't believe he just did that…" muttered Ron, looking aghast.

"Lloyd, you idiot," hissed Genis.

"Well, now," said Snape, smoothly, "It would appear we have a smart-mouth in this class. And there is a flaw in your little scheme, Mr. Irving: you already gave me your name, and I see no need to give you mine. I will, however, give you a detention. Pity we don't have houses here to dock points from…"

"We could," said Luna, happily.

"Miss Lovegood, when I want your opinion, I will ask for it. Five points from… gah… old habits die hard…" Snape said, sweeping to his desk, and picking up his wand, "Here is your seating chart. As you can undoubtedly see, you will be seated two to a table, with two tables in each row. First row: Potter, Tak, and Male Weasley, Lloyd."

"Aw man… front row again…" sighed Lloyd.

"If you'd kept your mouth shut, you might get a row back a little," muttered Sheena.

"Great. I get to sit next to _him_…" muttered Ron.

"Good luck. I get to sit next to the second best Potions witch in this class," said Harry with a grin.

"Second row… Dib, Zelos, and Genis, Lovegood," Snape said.

"Aw, Professor… why the crazy kid with the big head?" asked Zelos sadly.

"My head is not big!" hissed Dib.

"Yes it isssssss," sang Girtrude.

"Luna? Oh great…" Genis said as Luna smiled happily at him, "We're all gonna die…"

"Third row. Gaz, Iggins, and Sheena, Girtrude," Snape said.

Gaz looked like she was going to combust. Her eyes widened, her face muscles tensed, and the fire erupted around her again.  
"HOW COULD YOU?" she roared while Iggins looked equally disdainful at sharing a table with her.

"Ack… I'm gonna die, too," Sheena said, taking her seat next to Girtrude, who was rocking back and forth and singing "Yankee Doodle," under his/her breath.

"Final Row. Other Weasley, Zim, and Granger, Colette," said Snape.

"Victory for Zim!" Zim screeched, sitting in the back row with a superior look to Dib and Tak.

"Great. Just freakin' wonderful," Ginny spat, also taking her seat in the back. She made a point of slamming her bag down, though the textpackets made less of a bang than books would have.

"Oh no…" muttered Hermione in a small voice.

"Hermione, we get to be partners," said Colette happily.

"That's… great… really," said Hermione, forcing a smile past her face, though her eyes looked very, very sad.

"Now that you've become acquainted with your partners," Snape said, with an evil gleam in his eyes, "We can begin our first lesson. How many of you have mixed Potions in here before?"

All of the students (allegedly) from Hogwarts, as well as Girtrude and Colette, raised their hands. Snape looked around at all of them for a few minutes and shook his head.

"Pitiful. And I'm supposed to teach you all up to a high standard by the end of this year. I don't know what I did to deserve this, but I hope you all prove at least mediocre in producing Potions. And for some of you, that'll be the greatest miracle since the Blue Death," said Snape.

"Professor!" Colette said from the back row, her hand in the air, "Girtrude and I tried to make a Potion earlier, but it blew up. Could you tell us where we went wrong?"

"What Potion was it, girl?" asked Snape.

"The Potion of Increased Giddiness!" said Girtrude, "It makes you HAAAAAAPPPPPYYYYYY!"

"And why on earth would you make such a Potion?" asked Snape.

"Because Sanchez is depressed," said Girtrude, holding up the fishbowl. Sanchez looked more murderous than depressed, and his eyes darted around, as though trying to decide who would die first.

"We hoped it would cheer him up," said Colette.

"Well. I don't know why anyone would bother trying to mix that Potion, especially on a first attempt. I don't expect my O.W.L. students to be able to make one of those, let alone some first-timers. Now, if there are no more _pointless_ interruptions, may we begin?"

"Professor!" Genis asked, raising his hand.

"Is it pointless, Mr. Sage?" asked Snape.

"No, sir," said Genis, earnestly, "I was just wondering if there were any materials we are required to have for this class."

"Fortunately for you all," said Snape, "When the school was constructed, the budget was actually made for Potions ahead of time. So we were able to provide all necessary ingredients. And I supplied my own textbooks, taken from Hogwarts before it was closed. Which I think we can all thank Miss Granger for."

"Hermione?" Tak asked, looking around, "You're the reason the house elves went crazy?"

Hermione looked down at her feet, tears in her eyes. Harry and Ginny made noises of protest and anger, but it was Ron who actually voiced something.

"Give it a rest. We're not at Hogwarts anymore, you have no one to favor. No point in giving us hell anymore, right?" he spat.

"On the contrary, Mr. Weasley," said Snape, "Without Slytherin to favor, I can spread misery to everyone! I'll start with you: you will join Mr. Irving in detention tomorrow evening."

"I… oh, forget it," said Ron, flatly.

"As I suspected. Get some backbone, Weasley," Snape said, turning before Ron could say anything else, "Now, since we have wasted so much time, it is foolish to even try and make chocolate milk, let alone a full-fledged Potion. Because of your time-squandering ways, you will have to read the first six chapters of those books, practice all the Potions found inside of them, and have samples for ten of them by Monday. Dismissed!"

"He's evil," said Sheena, as they left, "Pure evil. But at least we made it through one class alive."

"Looking at our lab partners, that's probably the last one," said Genis.

"One of the few times I'll agree with you," said Hermione, walking in the other direction.

"Hermione, where are you going?" asked Ginny.

"Where else? My dormitory. I won't be caught dead taking Symphonian Magic," said Hermione.

"What about you two?" asked the younger Weasley while Harry and Ron followed Hermione.

"One less class, one less bit of homework each night," said Ron with a grin, "But you have fun!"

"Just wait until she learns Indignation," said Genis, "You'll wish you'd taken the class."

"Hey, isn't Neville taking this one?" asked Colette.

"No, he gave up magic," said Luna dreamily.

"What?" Everyone asked, coming to a stop.

"He said he was sick of failing. He said he wanted to become a Nurse, like the computer told him," said Luna.

"He could at least take Healing Magic, then," said Genis.

"Hurry, let's go," said Genis, rushing ahead, leading the group of them towards the classroom.

"Harry, Ron, I'm going to go work on Potions. Care to join me?" asked Hermione.

"In a minute, I wanna get my cauldron," said Harry, heading towards the dorms.

"I'll go with ya," said Ron, who also headed towards the room.

"I'll wait here," said Hermione.

"Oh, wait, Ron, my shoe…" said Harry, bending down to tie his shoe.

"It's alright, mate, I'll get the stuff," said Ron, rushing ahead.

"Thanks!" called Harry.

"I've never seen him go so quickly to get Potions homework before," Hermione commented.

"He's just afraid your offer of help will expire before he gets back," said Harry with a grin.

Suddenly, there was a rustling in the bushes. Harry and Hermione perked up, and drew out their wands. The two teenage magic-users stood there for a second, before a familiar voice came from the darkness.

"Be not afraid," Presea said, "All is fine. For now."

"What are you talking about?" asked Hermione, her heart pounding.

"She was playing with a crystal ball and saw something," said Gaz, who was with her. The two girls stepped out of the bushes and into the moonlight. Presea looked a little frightened, and her eyes were a little bigger than usual.

"They're coming tonight," said Presea, looking possessed, "The enemies of Harry will arrive here at midnight, and attempt to kill all that are here. We need an item from your headquarters, as it is the only way to stop the Death Eaters."

"Death Eaters!" shrieked Hermione, "Harry! What do we do?"

"Calm down, Hermione," said Harry, "Presea, do you know what this thing is?"

"No," said Presea, shaking her head, "The magic surrounding your headquarters is too great, so you'll have to take me there yourself. But hurry, there isn't much time."

"It's already ten, Harry!" Hermione squealed, "Go with her, and hurry!"

"I'm going too," said Gaz, "Otherwise I'll have to go to class."  
"How in God's name are we going to get to Grimmauld Place and back?" asked Harry.

"Harry! You're a wizard! Apparate!" Hermione shouted at him.

"Why don't you do it, then?" asked Harry angrily.

"You're the secret-keeper, remember?" Hermione shouted back.

"Oh yeah… well, then, let's go. Just hold tight to my arms, and we'll be off," said Harry.

"I'll go warn everyone else," Hermione said, rushing towards the dormitories, "We'll be ready for you when you get back. Send your Patronus into the sky to let us know where you are!"

"Good luck!" Harry called, "Okay, girls, here we go…"

**Meanwhile, in Symphonian Magic…**

"It's good to see that we have a large group interested in the study of Symphonian Magic," said Kratos, "This is a very different magic than any you have experienced before… unless you've tried to learn First Aid and other such spells in Healing Magic. Who can tell me the main differences? Genis?"

"Symphonian Magic has a much longer casting time than Traditional Magic, but the spells are much, much more powerful, and often combat-oriented," said Genis, promptly.

"Very good," replied Kratos, "Also, unlike your other magic classes, this will be an independent study course. You will decide on which spells you wish to learn, and will attempt to learn the spells of your own accord. I will help you, of course, but you might not need it so much after a couple weeks."

"Can we have a demonstration for those of us that haven't seen it before?" asked Ginny.

"I suppose…" said Kratos, "Genis, would you care to show them one?"

"Which one?" asked Genis, rushing to the front of the room.

"Hmm… how about Cyclone?" asked Kratos.

"Sure," said Genis, and then he began to focus. Around him, a weird, greenish-colored wind whipped up around him, and his hair started to fly in all directions, "Gentle winds… gather before me and transform into blades of air... CYCLONE!"

The whirlwind of green air spun right to the back of the large room, where a large area was completely empty to allow for spell casting. However, part of the wind caught Zelos, and he was flung into the wind and whipped around. Tak gasped and attempted to stop the wind with her wand, but she was also sucked in.

"I wanna be able to do that," said Luna, eyes bugging.

"In time, maybe," said Kratos, "But first, you would need to learn the basics. Wind Blade is a good one to start with. Now, then, let's get you all started on your beginner spells…"

**And in the Dorms…**

"RON!" roared Hermione, barging into the boys' room. Ron jumped, dropped the cauldron onto his foot, and yowled in pain.

"What is that matter with you?" cried Ron, hoping around.

"THE DEATH EATERS ARE COMING!" Hermione shrieked.

"The… D… Death Eaters?" Ron said, paling, "How do you know?"

"Presea had a vision or something!" Hermione screamed, looking mortified, "We have got to warn everyone else!"

"Why? What good will it do?" asked Ron, sitting on the bed, "If You-Know-Who is with them…"

"We can prepare," said Hermione, "We can be ready for them. We have dozens of wizards here. I'm sure we can do something…"

"Many of whom can only use basic magic," Ron said.

"And we have Weapons," said Hermione, "If Raine or Kratos or Snape can infuse them with the right magic, they can be used in combat!"

"Hermione, this is You-Know-Who we're talking about!" Ron roared.

"EVEN VOLDEMORT IS HUMAN!" Hermione screeched at him, causing Ron to shiver, "And if you don't get used to his name, I'm going to hit you in the face and arms! Let's go, we have to get the school ready!"

**Halfway around the world… (roughly…)**

Meanwhile, over in England, Harry, Gaz, and Presea landed out front of Number 12, Grimmauld place, though only Harry could see it at first. All of them took a few seconds to recover from the trip, feeling like they'd just been shoved into a can. Gaz actually thought her ribs had imploded.

"Where is it?" asked Gaz, staring at the empty lot.

"Oh… yeah… the Headquarters to the Order of the Phoenix… uh… is right there," said Harry, pointing.

"Oh. What a dump," said Gaz, after the building re-materialized.

"Shall we continue?" asked Presea, "We have only an hour and forty-five minutes and twenty-four seconds to get back."

"Right," said Harry, walking in. The corridor was even darker at this time of night, though they could clearly make out Mrs. Black's portrait at the other end.

"Yeah, it is a dump," said Gaz, flatly.

"Shh… we can't wake that picture up," said Harry.

"Why?" Gaz asked, raising her voice, "What is it gonna do?"

"Gaz! Shut up!" hissed Harry.

"HEY! YOU! UGLY, CANVAS THING! AWAKEN!" shouted Gaz, throwing a pebble at the curtains.

They flew open just in time for Mrs. Black to be hit in the eye with the pebble. She shrieked, put her hand to her eye, and began to shout some horrible things about Harry, Sirius, and everyone they'd ever known.

"Jesus! Now look what you've done!" roared Harry over the noise.

"Why do you have her there?" asked Gaz.

"She put a Permanent-Sticking Charm on it. We can't get her down," snarled Harry.

"So you just let her shriek like that?" asked Gaz.

"Nothing stops her!" Harry cried, "And we've tried everything. Silencing Charms, Stupefying Charms, Sirius even tried Avada Kedavra when he got pissed off one day, but nothing works!"

"What about setting it on fire?" suggested Gaz.

"Too risky, we'd probably burn down the whole headquarters," said Harry.

"So you jut let her shriek like that?" asked Gaz, looking incredulously at Harry.

"YES!" Harry snarled.

"… Why must I deal with this stupidity?" asked Gaz to herself, walking forward.

"What are you doing?" asked Harry.

"Be quiet," Gaz replied, digging into her bag for something, "I'll deal with this."

"… AND WHAT IS THIS? A MUGGLE? A MUGGLE DARES TO DEFACE THE ANCIENT, NOBLE HOUSE OF MY FOREFATHERS? YOU ARE A DISGUSTING INSULT TO MY FAMILY! THAT DIRTY POTTER BOY BROUGHT YOU, DIDN'T HE? WELL, I HAVE A FEW CHOICE WORDS FOR YOU, MISSY—" Mrs. Black ranted.

"Be QUIET," snarled Gaz, finally getting something out of her bag.

"WHAT? YOU DARE TO ATTEMPT TO SILENCE ME IN MY OWN HOUSE? THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO THAT WILL—"

Gaz didn't let her finish. She took the thing from her bag and rolled it across the face of Mrs. Black. Her mouth, nose, eyes, and ears were covered, and there was no way to speak at all. The only thing was a muffled noise coming from her throat. Gaz turned to the other two, holding the only thing on earth that surpasses magic itself: duct tape.

"Problem solved," said Gaz in a superior tone, shutting the curtains once more with duct tape.

"… I can't believe we never thought of that," said Harry in a small voice, "Uh… thanks…"

"Whatever. Let's get that thing," said Gaz, "Presea, where is it?"  
"Up there," said Presea, pointing, "We have to hurry, our time is quickly running out."

"Right. Let's go," said Harry, leading the way up the stairs.

**Back at Whitestone…**

"Fireball!" shouted Sheena, pointing her card at the wall. A small flame came from the card, but it went out just as quickly, "DAMMIT!"

"You need to focus, Sheena," said Genis, who was practicing his Freeze Lander spell and continuously pelting the wall with ice spears.

"Easy for you to say," said Ginny from his other side. Her eyes were screwed up in concentration as she tried to learn Stone Blast, but she had even less success than Sheena.

"Oh! Professor! I felt a breeze!" said Colette happily, "Did I learn Wind Blade yet?"

"Uh… Colette, I think that was just the air that was displaced by your arms waving like that," said Kratos.

"Oh… well, am I close yet?" asked Colette, looking only a little embarrassed.

"You know," said Kratos, "One idea is to make an incantation for yourself. As you saw with Genis, and even Zelos, incantations help you focus your mind so you can worry more about generating the correct mana for the spell, rather than whether or not you are doing something right. They're not required, but, as I said, they're good for focusing."

"Alright," said Ginny, who began to focus, "I command thee, Earth, to attack my enemy! Stone Blast!"

This time, she had a little bit of the wind whipping her hair around, but there wasn't any spell effect. She looked ecstatic, however, and began to repeat this process.

"It's time to burn! Fireball!" Sheena called, waving her cards around. This time, the flame was bigger and one of her cards caught fire. She hastily stamped this out.

"Whee! Wind Blade!" Colette said, waving her arms. This time, she actually got some results, as the wind had whipped around her and a slice of green had flown from her to the wall.

"Water, Giver of Life, show us your dark side. AQUA EDGE!" Tak said, waving her hands gracefully. Like Colette, she had the blue-mana flowing around her, causing her hair to fly around a little. But, better than Colette, the water actually formed around her and spun towards the wall, though it died halfway across and became a puddle.

"Not bad, maybe you could teach me how to do that," said Zelos with a seductive grin.

"I don't think you could handle that. Or me," said Gaz.

"Oh! Burn!" Iggins screeched, but then accidentally shot a fireball from his hand.

"Has anyone seen Gaz?" asked Luna, "Wasn't she taking this class?"

"That's right," said Ginny, "I wonder…"

The door burst open, and in ran Hermione and Ron. They skidded to a halt in the front of the room as the whole class turned to stare at them (Sheena not realizing that Tak had just lit her hair on fire while she and Zelos laughed silently behind her).

"I thought you said you weren't going to set foot in Symphonian—" Genis began haughtily, but he was cut off.

"THE DEATH EATERS ARE COMING!" shrieked Hermione for the eightieth time.

"What?" gasped Luna and Ginny, "Are you sure?"

"Presea had a vision! And… and… she and Gaz and Harry went to England to get something to fight them with," Ron replied quickly.

"What's a Death Eater?" asked Colette.

"They're the most evil dark wizards on earth. They're headed by a man named Voldemort, and he's killed countless people. He tried to kill Harry, but failed," said Ginny quickly, "I'm sure Ms. Bitters will be happy to tell us more in Social Study, but we have to get all of you out of here…"

"I think it would be best to evacuate all the students," said Kratos, starting to dash for the door, "I shall alert the other teachers…"

"No!" Hermione cried, "Mr. Aurion, we have to stay! Without the students' help, there will be no way you'll survive against the Death Eaters!"

"Then what are you suggesting?" asked Kratos, "We don't have much time, I assume?"

"We have until midnight," replied Hermione solemnly, "That's as much time as we'll need."

**And back to England again!**

"So where is this contraption?" asked Tak as they dug through Sirius' old room. There were many treasures they'd missed the last time they were here, and Harry often stopped to look at them, which slowed down the process considerably.

"I saw it, finally. It's a swirling, silver sphere…" said Presea, digging in a box, "I saw a picture like it on one of Ron's order forms for his brothers' shops. It looks like a Remembrall."

"Oh! Is it this?" asked Harry, picking up a sphere that matched Presea's description.

"Yes… yes it is…" said Presea, taking it in her hands. Her eyes shone as she held it, and then she looked up, "Do you know what this is?"

"No, what is it?" asked Harry.

"It's a very powerful mind-control artifact. It was created in the seventeen hundreds by a man named Eric Rodinhiemer. No one ever figured out the use for it because Eric died of malaria before he had completed it. It's been bought and sold many times over, but no one really knows what it did. Until now."

"How did you find that out?" asked Harry.

"One of the books in Ms. Bitters' secret room," said Gaz, who was beating a small, fanged box over the head with a golf club, "There's a lot of interesting stuff in there."

"Yes, but we shall save that discussion for another time. We have to get back to Whitestone, it's nearly time…" Presea said, pointing to Harry's Whitestone-timed watch.

"Oh no! Let's go!" Harry said, "Grab on!"

They quickly attached themselves to Harry and, with that, they disapparated.

**Where the hell are we now…? Oh… right… Whitestone.**

"But… but… my Tallest!" Zim pleaded with the small screen that showed the faces of his masters. It was past Earth-23:30, and he was sitting behind a rock in the courtyard, contacting his leaders to update them. However, they had just found a new way to get out of it.

"I'm sorry, Zim," said the Red Tallest, "But you know the new law."

"New Law?" asked Zim and the Purple Tallest at the same time.

"You know, the one just passed? About the _time limits_?" hissed Red.

"Oh… _oh_!" Purple replied, catching on, "_That_ law. Well, there's been so many, I've just…"

"I never heard about that law," said Zim, interrupting. "What's it say?"

"It states, and I quote, '_Invaders may contact the Almighty Tallest for a restricted number of minutes based on their rank (aka: height) in the Invader League._' Zim, you're very, very low right now. Your two minutes are up," said Red.

"But, Sirs, I—" Zim began.

"Sorry, Zim, we have to make sure all people follow the law. You can call back in… the next millennium. Okay, bye!" Purple said as the transmission ended.

"Oh… now how will I get my Tallest to understand my new plot?" asked Zim, looking depressed.

"They're not very nice."

Zim screamed and jumped, looking around furiously. Luna was leaning over the side of the rock, the same expression as always on her face. Zim pulled out his laser and pointed it at the girl.

"How much did you see?" he hissed.

"About two minutes of it," said Luna, "… I guess that would mean all of it."

"I'm going to have to destroy you now," said Zim.

"Oh. That's a shame. But they seemed kinda mean. How do you increase your Invader Rank?"

"Eh? Oh… well… uh… conquer a planet, have a growth spurt, or make them happy…" said Zim. "But it might take a while for that first one…"

"And you're very short," Luna pointed out unhelpfully.

"… yes…" said Zim, "But I don't know what to make them happy with…"

"Well, what do they like?" asked Luna, brightly.

"Uh… well… puppet shows…" said Zim, thinking for a minute.

"So put on a puppet show!" Luna suggested.

"But I'm bad at that… and Gir... trude… always ate the puppets," said Zim.

"I could help, if you want," said Luna, "But until we arrange a show, what else would they like?"

"I… guess they like snacks," said Zim, "But…"

"So send them some chips and chocolate," said Luna, "Everyone loves chocolate. But I prefer caramel, it's so… caramelly!"

"Th-that's a brilliant idea! INGENIOUS!" Zim roared.

"You're welcome," said Luna, brightly, "Want me to help?"

"Um… well… I guess you could… BUT IF THE TALLEST ASKED, I HYPNOTZIED YOU!" screamed Zim.

"I like getting hypnotized," said Luna, "This one time, I got hypnotized in Transfiguration, and I accidentally changed Zacharias Smith into a weed, and then…"

"Yes, yes, fascinating. Oh… and… uh… Luna, right?" asked Zim.

"Yep!" Luna replied.

"T… T… Thank you," Zim said, "You're the first worthy human I've ever met."  
"You're very welcome," said Luna, "Oh, and by the way, a bunch of dark wizards are coming to kill us all in about five minutes. Better get ready."

"Eh?"

**The Central Grounds of Whitestone**

Most of the school had assembled by quarter of midnight. Only a handful, the British wizards among them, stood in plain sight. The melee teams were hiding in the bushes, the long-ranged and protection magic students hid on the roofs, and the long-ranged weaponry students were spread between the two. Ms. Bitters, dressed in a Nazi officer uniform, stomped back and forth, delivering a speech.

"… and make sure you defend to your last breath! If you have any trouble at all, make sure you raise your wand and fire the red spikes into the air! Any questions?" she said, "Remember! This is the reason you were born! If it ends in your doom, then you can die knowing this was your ultimate goal in life! And your parents will get a nice gift basket from the school."

"Where will they get the money for that?" asked Dib from the bushes.

"Irrelevant," said Ms. Bitters, "Now, BE AT THE READY!"

She took her scythe in her hands, which was glowing an eerie blue color, and slithered into the bushes. Hermione, Ron, Neville, and Ginny, who stood at the front of the small group of students (which also included Genis, Zelos, and Kratos), shivered with anticipation. As the time grew near to midnight, the tension rose. Then, with two minutes to go, they saw two figures approach.

"I found Zim!" Luna called happily, "We're ready!"

"LUNA! GET OVER HERE!" roared Hermione, "IT'S ALMOST TIME!"

Luna skipped ahead, leaving Zim to monologue.

"If I can find a way to join these so-called Dark Wizards, I can join them in taking over the world… and… then… DESTROY THEM ALL! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Zim! Get out of the way!" called Ron.

"Er… right! I'm going to make sure Girtrude and… Consuela… are ready!"

"His name is Sanchez!" called Girtrude from the bushes, "And it's okay, I already locked him in a room with a switchblade."

"You gave a knife to the fish?" called Sheena, stunned.

"Be quiet, all of you!" Ginny exclaimed. "It's time!"

The clock struck twelve soon after she said this. Just as the last chime came, there was a popping noise. And then another. Then a whole series of them. Materialized in front of them was a group of about forty Death Eaters, hooded and ready for combat.

"HARRY POTTER!" came a loud, female voice that the Hogwarts students recognized as Bellatrix Lestrange.

"He's not here!" called Hermione much more bravely than she felt.

"Liar! We know he came here! We want him!" called another Death Eater.

"Well, you'll have to kill us all first, because he's not here!" called Ginny.

"Fine, we'll just torture the answers out of you. I prefer it this way, actually. Get the smart-mouthed girl!" Bellatrix called. The Death Eaters advanced, wands raised.

"Steady…" Ron said.

They drew closer, their raucous laughter beginning. Around them, students began to get really nervous and shaky.

"Hold it…" Ron continued.

The front Death Eaters fired Stunners at the group, all of whom ducked and allowed them to slam into the buildings behind them.

"NOW!" Ron snarled.

Each of the students flung spells at the attackers. A few seconds after, Genis, Zelos, and Kratos fired a combined Fireball at the dark wizards. Taken aback, a few faltered and tripped, some knocked out from the attack. They began to advance more quickly then, firing jinxes in all directions. Then, a lone figure stepped into the center of the courtyard and raised her staff, focusing only for a few seconds.

"FIELD BARRIER!" Raine roared, and suddenly everyone on the Whitestone side was covered by a semi-transparent barrier that would shield from many minor jinxes and curses. She leapt back into the bushes just as Bellatrix attempted to cast Crucio on the woman. She missed, and Raine rolled behind the shrubbery.

"We've got them now!" called one, and they began to advance much more quickly.

"CHARGE!" Ms. Bitters roared next, leading a pack of students from the bushes. From all directions, more students closed in. The teacher slithered ahead of the group, scythe gleaming. She immediately got into a fight with one Death Eater, who was attempting to use his wand as a sword. She cut it through and began to attack him with the scythe. Around her, many other students joined the fray, though most of the Death Eaters conjured up weapons to rival them.

Lloyd and another Death Eater each fought with two swords, though Lloyd had the advantage of knowing moves such as Demon Fang and Tempest. Sheena had managed to find Bellatrix, and was now dueling furiously with her. She continued to duel, with the thought of Summoning never occurring to her. Dib, though inexperienced, was holding his own in a traditional sword fight with another Death Eater, who was equally inadequate.

Iggins was swinging his mace around randomly, though not really trying to hit anything. He only stopped when one of the Death Eaters was able to cast Crucio on him, which he did with much enjoyment. Iggins' shrieks were lost among the sounds of combat around him.

"May the merciless embrace of frost take you," Genis said, a white mana around him, "ABSOLUTE!"

A large, swirling mass of ice enclosed itself around a group of twelve Death Eaters. They were encased, and Genis was forced to cease the casting of spells so he could hold the large ice enclosure together. Meanwhile, Regal was attempting to help Dib, but was then attacked by Anton Dolhov, who tried to use the same spell as he did on Hermione. Regal jumped, did a mid-air jump, and screamed, "EAGLE FALL!" He knocked the Death Eater into the ground and left him unconscious.

Then, from the sky, they saw the silvery stag charge to the ground. Hermione shrieked with joy and ran towards it. She saw Harry, Gaz, and Presea arrive, pursued by Death Eaters.

"Catch, Hermione!" Harry shouted, chucking it. He overthrew, however, and Girtrude picked it up.

"I got it!" she called.

"Use it! Mind control device!" Harry shouted.

"Harry! Look out!" called Hermione, raising her wand.

"_Expelliarmus_," came a lazy voice.

Harry and Hermione's wands were taken away by the spell. They were completely helpless as they saw a matching pair of pale faces approach them. It was the Malfoy men, both of whom sneered at their defenseless enemies.

"Well, this is a pleasant scene. The heroes without their weapons," said Lucius.

"Oh, very good, father," said Malfoy, who had just spotted Neville. He disarmed him easily, but was then almost attacked by Ginny. Luna wandered over, handed her wand to Malfoy, and skipped back over to join her friends. They were all without any way to defend themselves, and neither Luna nor Ginny could summon the mana to cast a Symphonian Spell.

Meanwhile, the rest of everyone else wasn't quite ready to give up. Presea and Gaz added quite a bit of power to the fight, and they weren't showing any signs of quitting. Gaz was as fearsome as Ms. Bitters with her scythe, and they charged through the crowd with little difficulty. Presea and her ax were becoming the bane of many existences, as she screamed "BEAST!" every few seconds and sent a handful of Death Eaters flying each time.

Then, Raine stood up from the bushes and raised her arm.

"Ready? Focus!" she called, and began to focus. Behind her, eight students, all of whom showed promise in Healing Magic, followed suit.

"We call upon the Divine Might to aid us in our battle," they chanted. "Let fall thy heavenly light, and run them through! HOLY LANCE!"

From above the group of Death Eaters, nine different sets of swords, each made of light, plunged themselves into the Death Eaters. They shouted and screamed, but it only stopped a few of them. Then, there was a loud bang from one of the rooftops. The Malfoys had tried to get everyone's attention to show they had caught the people who organized the battle. A few people, oblivious to this, continued the good fight, though a majority stopped and watched. Zim took this opportunity to approach the nearest hooded person.

"I am ZIM!" Zim cried, "And I wish to join your elite group of wizards. I assure you, my powers go unmatched."  
The Death Eater turned and pulled down his hood. Zim looked at him, and then screamed like he'd never screamed in his life. Now it was his turn to have the bane of his existence shown. There, standing before him, in all his annoying glory, was Keef.

"ZIM! BUDDY! HOW ARE YOU?" Keef cried, hugging his friend.

"No! Why!" wailed Zim.

"This is great! You get to make new friends, and play with magic, and look, we even get a tattoo!" Keef said.

"But… why… my… my plans…" Zim said, looking crushed.

"ZIM! If you join, we could be bestest friends again! And we could go everywhere and do everything and hurt people with each other, and it would be awesome! Join us!" Keef.

"NEVER!" Zim cried, and then retreated into the nearest group of people.

"But Zim, it's fun!" cried Keef, chasing after him.

**Somewhere on a Roof above the Brawl**

"YOU ALL THOUGHT YOU COULD DEFEAT US?" called Draco from the building, "WELL, LOOK WHAT WE HAVE HERE: YOUR LEADERS. AND NOW YOU WILL SEE WHAT HAPPENS TO THOSE WHO CROSS THE DEATH EATERS, AND THE DARK LORD!"

"Harry, where's that thing?" whispered Ginny.

"I threw it at Hermione, but I missed," said Harry.

"Who got it?" asked Ginny.

"Well, Girtrude picked it up and—" Harry began, but stopped. If Girtrude had it…

"We're doomed," said Neville, looking like he was going to faint again.

"WATCH AS WE MAKE THEIR LIVES MISERABLE. THIS IS A MESSAGE TO ALL OF YOU!" roared Lucius, "BRING FORTH THE GIRL!"

"I WANNA DO IT!" called Bellatrix.

"ALRIGHT, FINE, GET UP HERE!" Lucius called, "But be QUICK about it!"

"Wait! Look!" called another person.

Girtrude walked to a raised platform on the grounds. She held the mind-control device in her hands, an insane grin on her face. The sphere was shining now, though it was a weird shine. Almost… a dark shine, if you will. She held it above her hand.

"LOOK! IT'S SHINEY!" Girtrude cried happily.

"DON'T LOOK AT IT!" cried Lucius, "IT'LL CONTROL YOUR MIND!"

He was too late. Many of the Death Eaters now had their entire focus on the sphere, including Draco and Bellatrix.

"It's so… pretty…" muttered Bellatrix, "It makes me feel things I haven't felt since I married my husband…"

"I want one, Dad!" Draco demanded.

"Get a hold on yourselves!" roared Lucius.

"Okay… okay… let's play some games!" Girtrude called gleefully, "This will be like Simon Says, only you'll just do everything I do. Okay? Sound fun?"

"YES!" replied the Death Eaters.

"Hit it, Delilah!" cried Girtrude.

The same girl Zelos had used hit another boom box, which blasted out the Macarena. Gir began to dance. All the Death Eaters also began to dance. It was the strangest sight: three dozen hooded, evil wizards dancing to a Mexican song. Girtrude allowed three rounds before she began to riffle through a list of commands, which each of the Death Eaters fulfilled almost instantly.

"Okay… okay… now… spin and drop and spin and jump and clap, clap, clap and raise the roof WHOOT WHOOT, raise the roof WHOOT WHOOT and drop it down and spin and break and dance and break dance and twist and twist and do-ce-do, and trip and fall and break your neck, but don't do that or you'll be dead, so jump and flitter and glitter and happy hands and twinkle hands and twinkle fingers and touch your head, touch your friend's head and drop and jump and drop and do-ce-do and jump and jump and blow up—**BOOOOOOOM**!"

Girtrude exploded suddenly and the mind-control device flew far enough to reach the roof the wizards were on. Below them, two Death Eaters also exploded, though many just jumped into the air and landed very badly on their spines. Harry quickly picked it up and rushed to the edge of the roof.

"Dissaparate to England and forget you were ever ordered here!" he screamed.

Unfortunately, only half of the Death Eaters were listening at that point. They all left, though Lucius was the only one on the roof to remain. He shot the mind-control device out of Harry's hand, where it fell to the ground and shattered on Iggins, who was mercifully released from the _Crucio_. Lucius' hands closed around Harry's neck and he began to strangle him to death. There was one person still going, however, and no one had paid any attention to her during the fight since she'd been messing up constantly. But now, she thought she had it right.

"Thy faithful servants asketh for thy blessing and honor us with a special…" Colette was saying, but then realized she'd done it again, "Uh… whoops… I messed up again…"

But, suddenly, she felt a very strange power building inside of her. She could feel it filling up her skeleton, threatening to burst. She felt as if she would explode, and then, she felt the pressure release in the form of Judgement and Holy Song at the same time. The weird power of restoration filled itself to all the students while beams of light struck down upon the remaining Death Eaters, who quickly disapperated.

Harry, now released, collapsed on the roof, breathing heavily. Ginny rushed over to him, and helped him stand. Sheena appeared from the stairs and rushed over to him as well.

"First Aid!" she said, throwing a card at Harry. It struck him in the face, but he felt better. He could breathe, anyway.

"Thanks," said Harry.

"Oh my God! Girtrude!" cried Colette, rushing forward to where Girtrude lay in a few pieces. Her eyes were closed and her head was upturned. Everyone stopped, some feeling sick, some feeling sad.

"She gave her life for us…" said one person, "Poor, dead child."

"I can fix that!" Raine said, "BRING BACK HER SOUL FROM PURGATORY! RESSURECTION!"

Girtrude flew back together and sat up, looking happily around at everyone. There was a great cheer, and both Colette and Girtrude were lifted onto the shoulders of the students and staff. The two unlikely heroes were paraded around the grounds in an impromptu ceremony. Zim, finally escaping Keef and throwing the brochures he'd received about being a Death Eater in the bin, also joined the crowd, mainly to find out why Girtrude was being celebrated as a hero.

Suddenly, there was a crash from inside one of the dormitories. Girtrude looked horrified. She extricated herself from the crowd, screamed "SANCHEZ," and ran to the room. She was followed by many of the students. They entered, and the sight that met them filled them all with fear.

A Death Eater was lying, dead, on the floor, the switchblade embedded into his chest. Sanchez swam around in his fishbowl, looking, for the first time, content with his surroundings. As he faced them, a smirk played across his face, and he winked at the crowd.

**From the Author's Mind: (June 2011)**

**Apparently I wrote this entire chapter in 3 and a half hours. Go me.**


	6. Chapter 6: The Dueling of the Heart

**From the Author's Mind: (June 2011)**

**This chapter was written (or at least begun) on a day where I had about 9 minutes of sleep the night before, with violent video games being played for much of it. I was also, apparently, hit on people by both sexes, although I don't remember this? Anyway, stay tuned for references to ZOIDS, in addition to our usual 3 canon-stolen references. And now, enjoy Chapter 6: Edited Version.**

Chapter Six

It was just two weeks after the Death Eater attack on Whitestone. The school had made headlines around the world, though no one believed The Quibbler, The National Enquirer, Nickelodeon Magazine, or Reader's Digest. Most of the students forgot about it already, and many of the staff had put it behind them as well. There was learning to be had, and they were already one month down of the nine-month school year. So, as October was approaching very quickly, the students prepared themselves for a new wave of homework.

**Thursday Morning, Period 2. Social Study**

"So you see, children," Ms. Bitters said on a particularly nasty Thursday morning, "People who do HORRIBLE things in a former life are reincarnated as starving, third-world children. This is called Karma. Can anyone name someone who this has happened to?"

"Hitler?" suggested Colette.

"WRONG!" snarled Ms. Bitters, "Hitler was reincarnated as Queen Elizabeth."

"But… weren't they alive at the same time?" Dib asked.

"… Irrelevant," said Ms. Bitters, right as the bell rang, "And don't forget, your HORRIFYING Disease projects are due tomorrow. And I have been asked to inform you all that there will be an assembly next period."

"Yes! No Math!" Lloyd said, dancing happily.

"Ms. Bitters," Ginny said, "Where are we having the assembly? We don't have an auditorium."

"Why not?" asked Genis.

"Because the budget ran out," said Hermione in a matter-of-fact voice.

"Oh, sorry, Miss Know-It-All," retorted Genis acidly.

"Okay, so, who actually started their projects?" asked Sheena as the entire class made their way into the deluge outside.

"I didn't," Zelos replied.

"We didn't," said Luna and Ginny.

"Project Completion: 0.004 percent," said Presea.

"What's the .004?" asked Iggins.

"Irrelevant," said Presea in a near-perfect imitation of Ms. Bitters.

"That… was horrifying…" Harry muttered to Ron who nodded.

**A Few Minutes Later in Math**

"Good morning, class," said Raine as her students entered the room, "I trust you're all ready to work?"

"Professor," said Lloyd happily, "We have that assembly soon, remember?"

"Oh, yes," said Raine in an equally cheerful voice, "Which is why I have to assign triple the amount of homework this evening."

"What?" everyone cried at once.

"Oh yes," said Raine, smiling obliviously, "We have to make up for today's lesson, the activity I had planned, and, of course, the homework for tonight. Don't worry, it won't take you more than a few hours."

"_Hours_, Raine, _hours!_" Genis cried at his sister, "Some of us have class until _ten_, remember?"

"Well, you'll just have to find time to do it between classes," Raine said, "Now, in the time we have today, let us begin a quick lesson on—"

"ATTENTION!" a voice interrupted Raine's speech, "A mandatory meeting for all Whitestone students is about to begin. Run to the cafeteria, and don't drown, we're under a flood warning."

"Flood warning?" said Colette looking outside, "Oh, look, I think that's the gym!"

She was right. The half-finished gym was actually floating around outside. On it were a few unfortunate students that had been stranded when it began to rain really hard. The rest of Raine's students glanced uneasily at each other. How were they going to get across?

"I'll help you, my dear," said Zelos as he and Tak approached the river.

"Why, thank you, Zelos," Tak purred, batting her eyelashes, "I would greatly appreciate it."

"Here, Zim, let's ride on this thing," said Luna, producing a large, rubber duck from inside her book bag. Zim stared at it for a moment, but finally consented when Girtrude sobbed and begged with him to let them ride the duck, which he promptly dubbed, "Sharifa-Latifah."

"Uh… Colette… I… do you want help getting across?" Dib asked the girl.

"Oh, thanks, but I can get across myself," said Colette, stepping into the water. She immediately fell over, knocking over Ginny, Hermione, Sheena, and Genis. The four, now soaked, glared at the girl. Lloyd stood on the steps, laughed, and handed Colette a towel.

"Here, _I'll_ help you to the cafeteria," said Lloyd making sure to glance back at Dib.

Dib twitched slightly. Gaz prodded him in the back so he would move, but he didn't. All he could do was think very bad thoughts about Lloyd, hoping something terrible would happen. Like an elephant falling onto his head. Gaz, annoyed, shoved him into the water and then waded across, emerging in front of the cafeteria and instantly drying herself off with the wave of a stolen wand.

Finally, the entire student body managed to get themselves situated in the cafeteria, sitting at the same tables they normally sat in at lunch. Most were soaking wet, and a few had oxygen masks still on from when they'd been rescued from the waters. At the front of the room stood all the teachers, as well as the Master Computer, as he was now known as.

"ALL OF YOU, BE QUIET! IT IS TIME TO DO THE SORTING!" shouted Ms. Bitters.

"The Sorting? Like at Hogwarts?" asked Ginny.

"Yes," said Raine, "Professor Snape said it was a good idea as it would promote healthy intellectual competition between you all."

"He just wants to take house points away from us," Ron muttered, flatly.

"And you will now be sorted into one of four houses," said Kratos, "The houses are… Fence, Typhoid, Iko Iko, and… um… we… didn't pick a fourth one."

"POTATO!" Girtrude called from the back of the audience.

"… alright, Potato it is," said Kratos, "Now, the Master Computer will determine your house based on… your DNA. Like you all didn't see that coming anyway."

"No, not at all," said Ginny flatly.

"When I call your name," Raine said, getting a large list out of her bag, "You will give your DNA to Master Computer, and it will—"

"Wait! What about the song?" asked Luna.

"The song?" Raine replied, looking perplexed.

"Before a Hogwarts Sorting, the Sorting Hat always sang a song, usually about how we were all going to end up hating each other when we grew up. I just thought that tradition should be carried on," explained the girl.

"I was once a singer…" Ms. Bitters said as there was a flashback.

She was wearing a heavy… er… metal… rock… and… roll… costume… thing. She seemed about late teens or early twenties, and her hair was pink and spiky. She had lots of different spiked bracelets, necklaces, and various other things on. She was rocking out to some obscure music, playing an electric guitar, belting lyrics into a microphone, and shaking her head with enough force to smash concrete walls.

"But, as always," Ms. Bitters narrated, "This dream ended in an implosion. In this case, it was my ribs imploding and shearing off a piece of my lung."

The flashback cracked up and fell apart, and everyone found themselves in the cafeteria again. Ms. Bitters was standing on a table, looking back at them with her usual evil hatred.

"And that is why," concluded the demented teacher, "you hear a grinding sound whenever a homicidal thought passes through my diaphragm."

"Alright! I think we can get a song!" Raine said, waving her arms, "Master Computer?"

"Uh… well… I do have this one…" said the computer, a scanning sound heard.

The music began to blare, and it was the same chainsaw music Presea and Gaz loved so much. Whatever it was, they loved the song and began to dance to it a little. Luna joined in, mainly because her ADD had kicked in and she was bored. The rest of the students collapsed in pain, their hands clamped to their ears.

When it was finally over, the computer stopped. All three girls clapped, but they were the only ones to do so. Many of the students, as well as all the teachers, looked like their brains were hemorrhaging, and it was a long time before Raine managed to read the first name.

"Colette Brunnel," said Raine, wincing.

"Yay! I'm first!" Colette said happily, skipping up to the computer. She made the trip without any accidents, something everyone was relieved for.

"Hmm," the computer said after Colette had placed a hair on it, "Ah yes… you're a klutz, you love dogs, and, frankly, you're too damn perky!"

"Thank you," said Colette, beaming.

"I think you would do well in… POTATO!" announced the computer while a sign fell from the ceiling with the word Potato on it, as well as some confetti.

"Just wait outside, Colette, you'll report to Fourth Period when we're done here," said Raine.

"Yes, ma'am," Colette said, picking up a pin that said Potato on it and walking out.

"Hermione Granger!" Raine announced.

"Ah yes. You're a know-it-all, a perfectionist, and you never, EVER break any rules," said the computer.

"Yes, yes, I'm well aware of that. What house am I?" asked Hermione anxiously.

"Typhoid!" announced the computer, as Hermione joined Colette outside.

"Girtrude!" Raine called.

"YAY!" Girtrude squealed, running at the computer. However, she only had to get within twenty feet before the computer announced POTATO, to which Girtrude merely altered her course slightly, knocked over Professor Snape, took sixteen pins for herself, and scooted out the door, snapping it off its hinges.

"Ronald Weasley," said Raine.

"Oh… so you're the one," said Master Computer, "Well, Ron, I just have to say one thing: you're a pansy. GET SOME BACKBONE! And then maybe you'll actually be able to step on a bloody spider. You're in… FENCE!"

"Stupid machine," said Ron darkly, as he angrily grabbed a pin and exited through the doors the girls had gone through.

"Sheena Fuji... something…" said Raine.

"You would think that after traveling with me for close to eight months, you would know my _last name!_" Sheena hissed at Raine as she passed. Raine hit her in the face, and the computer almost had a seizure when it got blood from her nose.

"OH! THAT'S SO GOOD! Yum! Aaaah… bloooooood…" the computer moaned with pleasure, while Sheena took a few steps back, "Oh, yeah, ninja-wannabe, you're in IKO IKO."

"Thanks," said Sheena, getting a pin and dashing for the nearest paper towel roll.

"Tak!" Raine announced.

Tak made her way straight to the Master Computer, gracefully depositing a hair. She stood next to the machine and waited for a few seconds while the computer talked.

"Oh my… you're a nice, evil, seductive little thing, aren't you?" Master Computer said, "I like that. You get to pick: Iko Iko or Typhoid."

"I don't care that much," said Tak in a bored voice, "Whichever one Zelos will be in."

"Iko Iko," said the computer, then, to Zelos, "Same for you, man-whore!"

"Nooooooo!" Sheena's voice wailed from outside.

"Come on, Tak, let's go," said Zelos as he and Tak walked out, arm-in-arm, their pins forgotten on the table.

"Harry Potter!" Raine called.

"Ah… the Boy Who Lived. And then Almost Died. Twice. You're in… FENCE!"

"Genis Sage," said Raine.

Genis bounded forward quickly, looking excited. He quickly put a piece of his hair into the machine and waited.

"Hmm… you're obnoxious, a brat, a half-elf, and so very short," said the computer.

"I could end you," Genis said warningly.

"I don't think you could," Master Computer said coolly, "But I don't want half-elf blood, it gives me hives. So instead of squishing you, I'll place you in… TYPHOID!"

"With Hermione?" wailed Genis, "I don't wanna…"

"Luna Lovegood!" called Raine, but Luna wasn't around, "Uh… Luna?"

"She left a note," said Ginny, picking it up, "Dear everyone. The CIA and I have gone off to smack up some up smacks. So I shall return at 1300 hours. Save me a spot in Potato and don't forget to feed Sanchez, it was my turn and Girtrude might get mad at me if I don't."

"Well. I guess she could be in there…" the computer said, "Oh… the blood…"

"Master Computer, calm down. We still have seventy-six students to go," said Raine.

"Seventy-four, actually," said Presea in a robotic voice, "Two got swept away by the raging flood. Location and status unknown."

"Potato for you," said Master Computer, looking at Presea.

"Yes…" Presea said, taking a button and leaving.

"Can we get back to the regularity now?" Raine asked, and then said, "Lloyd Irving."

"Oh Christ…" the computer said, "What kind of a man uses two wooden swords, eh? Why do I have to put up with people like you, those who have egos so big—"

"Just tell me my house," Lloyd said through gritted teeth.

"Fence," said the computer, flatly.

"Yay! I'm in Harry and Ron's house!"

"NOOOOOO!" came the pitiful wails of the two ex-Gryffindors from outside.

"Dib Membrane!" Raine said.

"Finally!" Dib said, rushing forward. He deposited a skin sample into the computer, who took five minutes to see if there was any blood on it. Alas, there was none, and Master Computer almost cried.

"Oh my God!" he wailed, "No Blood! And your head is so big! Why? Why must I look at it?"

"My head is not big!" Dib said, though only half-heartedly.

"TYPHOID…" Master Computer said, sniffing pathetically.

"Yay!" Dib said, running off to join Genis and Hermione (who were shouting at each other about which aspect of their disease they were going to do for their project).

"Iggins!" Raine called.

"Hey… that's… _meeeeee_!" Iggins screamed happily, leaping forward. He knocked Gaz into the ground, the later turning a shade of fiery red unmatched by anything ever seen before, and attempted to throw a chair at him. She missed, however, and hit Professor Trelawney upside the head. She wailed, fell over, and shattered the sherry bottle she was carrying.

"I have a song for you," said the Master Computer, "Ahem… You are an idiot HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. YOU ARE AN IDIOT HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! And you're in Typhoid."

"Awesome!" giggled Iggins, skipping away in his awkward skipping ways.

"Ginny Weasley," said Raine.

"Finally," muttered Ginny, "This is stupid…"

"Ah. You're a little firecracker, aren't you? And you have troubles with your temper at times… and your hair is very red. I would rather not piss you off, however…" said the Master Computer warily.

"A wise decision," said Ginny.

"So… IKO IKO!" the computer sang.

"Thank you," said Ginny, going to find the rest of her new housemates.

"Zim," said Raine.

"Yes…" Zim said evilly, "I shall have my power… I shall lead my house on a victory march to… VICTORY! AHAHAHHAAHA!"

"Just give it a hair, Zim," said Raine in a tired voice.

"Eh? Oh… okay…" Zim said, laying a hair there.

"You're in… FENCE!" the computer cried.

"Gaz Membrane," said Raine.

"HA! Not last!" Gaz said, pointing and laughing at Neville.

"Shut up…" said Neville, "There's still a lot of people behind me!"

"Your voice is a moron. Be silent," Gaz hissed, and Neville shut up, looking frightened.

"Gaz Membrane. I like you. You're a good girl. You get a gold star from Ms. Bitters, and a place in POTATO!"

"Thanks," Gaz said as she ducked from the deadly Golden Star of Doom. It flew threw the air and concussed a boy in the front of the line.

"Neville Longbottom," said Raine.

"Alright… let's just get this over with…" said Neville.

"See previous comment for Ron Weasley," said Master Computer, "FENCE!"

"Great," said Neville as he went to join his classmates outside in the pouring rain.

**Lots of Time Later…**

The Sorting ended up taking all of Fourth, Fifth, and much of Sixth Period. There was a really bad incident where the computer nearly killed a kid to get blood from a small paper cut, and the kid had to be taken away via boat so he could receive medical attention. The rain hadn't let up, either, so half of the school ended up staying trapped in the cafeteria, while the other half was trapped in Building C, which was leaking heavily from the rain.

"Well," said Kratos, "Since my English classroom is currently inaccessible, and since the last place the gymnasium was seen was eighteen miles downstream, I guess we're going to have to have an extended Weapon Appreciation class today. Get your weapons and go to work. Ms. Bitters will be joining us today as well."

Everyone split up into their groups of favorites. Presea, Luna, Gaz, and Girtrude went to a corner where Presea began to teach them proper control of axes. Ginny, Tak, Sheena, and Zelos proceeded to the opposite corner, mainly to talk and do not-productive stuff. Hermione and Genis squared off for a small duel with flails. Zim stood near the center, furiously trying to make his sword do stuff, ignoring Kratos' repeated suggestions for him to get a smaller sword. Harry and Ron unwillingly received lessons from Iggins, who proved very talented with the bowstaves. Dib sought out the solitary Colette, who was playing with a boomerang.

"Hi, Colette," said Dib nervously as he approached, "Um… what are you practicing today?"

"This boomerang," said Colette cheerfully, "The Australians used it! Look, look, I can throw it and it does this, and then… whoops…"

She threw it a little off of where she was aiming and it hit Dib in the face. Now with a large bruise below his left eye, Dib sat up and handed the weapon back to her. She apologized profusely and asked if he needed an ice pack.

"No… I'm… I'm fine…" said Dib quickly as Colette peered closely at his cheek to see if there was any damage, "But here, let me help you…"

"I need it," said Colette in a relieved voice.

"Here, stand like this…" Dib said, adjusting Colette's posture, "Now, throw and flick your wrist, like… that!"

"Okay!" Colette said, happily throwing the boomerang. It sailed across the room and slammed into the back of Gaz's head. She whirled around, gritted her teeth, and snapped the weapon in half.

"Good job," said Dib happily.

"I did it!" Colette said, joyfully.

"Excellent job," Kratos complimented her, "Ten points for Potato."

"Wow. One class and you've already got your House ten points," said Dib, "You'll lead them to victory at this rate."

"Yep. Well, I'm gonna go find a not-broken boomerang. See you!" said Colette, skipping off. Dib watched her go for a little while, a lost smile on his face.

Lloyd, however, had been watching this the whole time. His jealousy was obvious, and, for the life of him, he couldn't see what Colette saw in Dib. Especially when she had him to look at. The one who had saved her life more times than he cared to remember. Something had to be done.

"Dib," said Lloyd, walking over to him, "I don't know what you're thinking, but let me tell you: Colette is mine."

"What?" Dib asked, shocked, "I…"

"It's obvious you like her," said Lloyd with a smirk, "But, let's face it. You have a big head. I have two wooden swords. I win."

"That's… not true…" Dib said, looking at his feet.

"Don't worry," said Lloyd, patting him on the back, "I'm sure you'll find some big-headed girl… somewhere…"

Dib sighed and walked away, looking depressed. Gaz and Presea watched this, and both looked at each other before rushing out of the classroom. Luna followed, still carrying a large, bloody ax.

"Where are we going?" she asked in her normal lost voice.

"To The Room," said Presea.

"What's The Room?" asked Luna.

"It's the room Ms. Bitters gave her," said Gaz, "We're going to look something up about Rivalry Battles for Love."

"We must hurry. It's getting very damp," said Presea, noticing some of the hallways already had water flowing across them.

**After Class…**

When the period ended, it was declared too dangerous to cross the grounds, which were now under six feet of water. With half the school displaced, the students were going to have to sleep wherever they were. Many remained in the cafeteria, including Professors Snape, Trelawney, Sage, and Bryan. That left Kratos and Ms. Bitters to deal with the thirty students in Building C, where a room was cleaned out and replaced with sleeping bags for everyone.

Dib sat in a corner, looking very depressed. Nearby, Colette sat, talking animatedly with Lloyd. Eventually, Lloyd went over to bother Harry and Ron (both sporting injuries from Iggins), and Dib began to move towards Colette. However, Gitrude soon walked over with Sanchez and Sharifa-Latifah, and they became engrossed in a conversation about puppies.

"This stinks…" Dib muttered, throwing a tin can at the ground. It exploded in a puff of purple smoke, and Gaz, Presea, and Luna stood there, each holding some things. Luna, of course, had the bloody ax, Presea had a book entitled When Duels Are Made, People Die. Facts of Life for the Everyday Peasant, and Gaz held the sword Dib always used in Weapon Appreciation.

"What the…?" Dib asked.

"Look," Gaz said, "I don't want to hear you complain about your misery because that blonde chick doesn't notice you. So we did some research, and we've found the best way for you to find whether or not your undying love really comes true is to have a Duel with Lloyd."

"Yes," said Presea, "It is to see if you are worthy of the lady's heart. A duel to the death is most appropriate, but since Raine is at the other building, we'll stick with serious injuries."

"Or we could use the HP Spell," said Luna, "Which gives you HP. You can take as many hits as you need, and when your HP depletes, you just get knocked out!"

"That is what we'll do. Can you do that spell?" asked Presea.

"Yes. It's fun to do that with trees that get struck by lightning," said Luna happily. She waved her hands and pointed at Dib, who glowed green and had a small bar appear above him with 300 HP written on it. He blinked and Gaz handed him the sword.

"Go declare the duel," Gaz said, "Don't make me do it for you."

"But… Gaz… I…" Dib said.

"My God," Gaz said under her breath, and then dragged her brother towards Lloyd, "You! The idiot with the two swords! My brother challenges you to an HP Mode Duel for the heart of Colette. Do you accept?"

"I shall duel you to the death for her!" Lloyd roared, whirling around.

"It's impossible to die in this duel," Presea said, "You'll merely be knocked out."

"Oh. Then we'll do that, then," Lloyd said.

"What did you get me in to, Gaz?" moaned Dib.

"Look, I'm not listening to you complain all day because she doesn't notice you. At least now you have a fighting chance of winning!" Gaz hissed at him.

"I'm doomed…" Dib muttered

**Classroom Turned Into Coliseum, about an Hour Later:**

Later, everyone in the building assembled in the Weapon Appreciation room and sat along a large, duct-taped circle perimeter. Dib and Lloyd were the only two inside the lines, glaring at each other. Silence hung in the air as two Healers stood by, just in case HP Mode failed. The wait continued, and, finally, a loud plummeting sound was heard.

Master Computer slammed through the ceiling and into the ground, resulting in a large crater. He rose up slightly, and alarms were heard. Ms. Bitters, dressed as the Grim Reaper once more, stood atop the computer, leering at them all. She glanced around and launched into her speech.

"The area with a thirty foot radius is now a designated HP Mode battlefield. This zone is now restricted; only competitors and medics have authorized entry. Danger! All others must leave at once or face imminent DOOM!"

Everyone glanced at each other. This was a very serious battle, it seemed, and Ms. Bitters was certainly going gung-ho on them all again.

"Area scanned. Battlefield set up," Ms. Bitters said after she and Master Computer scanned the area, "Dib Membrane Versus Lloyd Irving. Battle mode: 0113. Ready? Fight!"

The Master Computer started to play "Fatalize" as soon as Ms. Bitters finished her speech. Caught by surprise, both boys stared for a minute before they actually started to fight. In the audience, Colette arrived late, cradling Sanchez. She handed him to Girtrude before going to sit with Sheena.

"Hey! This is the music we had when we battled you and Regal!" exclaimed Colette happily.

"Oh! Colette! Good thing you're here, where were you?" asked Sheena.

"I was being Sanchez's Defense Attorney in court," said Colette, "We had a small incident downtown yesterday. We won the case, though I suspect that had something to do with me tripping over my feet and knocking over the jury stand."

"I… see…" said Sheena, "Anyway… they're dueling for your heart."

"My heart?" Colette said, looking confused, "Why? Am I an Organ Donor?"

"Nevermind," Sheena said, turning her attention back to the battlefield.

"You'll never defeat me, I've been playing with swords since before you were born!" Lloyd shouted.

"Gee, how strange, seeing as I'm older than you. And I have the power I received from the Meekrob on my side!" Dib retorted.

"Dib, that was a dream, remember?" said Zim happily from the sidelines.

"… oh crap," muttered Dib as Lloyd flew towards him.

"Ha! Ha! Hee-yah!" Lloyd yelled as his two medium-sized swords swiped through the air and attempted to smack into Dib. Using his sword as a shield to the best of his blocking abilities, he only lost a little HP.

"Take this!" Dib said, thrusting the sword as hard as he could towards Lloyd.

"Hey! That hurt!" Lloyd whined, having lost a total of fifty HP, "Demon Fang!"

He swiped his sword at the ground and sent the strange slash at him. Dib gasped and rolled to the side, and the Demon Fang attack hit the duct tape circle and disappeared.

"No fair! I can't do special moves!" Dib complained.

"So learn some!" Gaz shouted from the sidelines.

"Uh… Super Thrust of Attacking…ness…" Dib said, rushing at Lloyd with his sword outstretched.

"That was pathetic," Gaz said as Presea and Luna nodded.

Lloyd blocked with one of his swords and hit Dib with the other, causing a 70 HP loss. Dib recovered and swiped at his legs, taking them out and knocking Lloyd to the ground for a total of 58 HP loss. The excitement mostly stopped there, and neither used any Special Moves used for about three minutes. Ms. Bitters would occasionally sigh in a bored voice, and the music Master Computer was playing continued to repeat itself.

"Give it up, Lloyd…" Dib said, breathing heavily, "You can't win!"

"I won't give up. Never!" Lloyd replied, "Tempest!"

He flew threw the air in a matrix-like flight. He spun over and over and over, his swords becoming blades of death. Dib reacted in slow-motion as well, raising his sword in time to block Lloyd's attack, sending the boy flying to the edge of the arena. Dib whirled around quickly and swung his sword, hitting Lloyd in the back for a critical 120 HP damage. However, Lloyd wasn't ready to quit yet.

"BEAST!" he roared, swinging his swords around. Dib was hit by a strange head of a beast and knocked back twenty feet, almost out of the arena. He stood up, having lost almost his entire HP by now. He could tell Lloyd was tired, too, and Dib ran in for an attack.

The scene froze as a little light appeared at the end of Dib's sword. It was apparent that he'd just learned a new attack, something he was quick to point out.

"Hey! I learned a new attack!" Dib said, happily, and then, "Doom Slash!"

He spun around, his blade leaving a thin, black trail, which hit Lloyd. He then jumped up above him and brought it slashing back to the ground, hitting Lloyd for another critical hit. Lloyd fell to the ground, not quite unconscious, but almost out of it. Dib smiled and took a step back, which is when Lloyd hit him with a cheap shot to the abdomen. The last of Dib's HP ran out in the bar over his head.

"No… I… can't… loose…" Dib moaned, sliding the floor, unconscious.

"THE BATTLE IS OVER!" Ms. Bitters shouted, "THE BATTLE IS OVER! Dib can no longer fight. The winner is… LLOYD IRVING! Congratulations. Now go away!"

She and the Master Computer retraced into the sky. Most of the crowd surrounded Lloyd and congratulated him on a "well-deserved victory." Gaz, Presea, and Luna helped Dib stand and walk away, slowly and painfully. The HP Mode had prevented most of the cuts and gouges, but left bruises and other minor injuries in their wake. As they approached the door, Colette walked over.

"You were so close, Dib," she said, "I thought you'd win for a minute."

"But I didn't," said Dib miserably, "I'm not worthy of you Colette. You shouldn't even talk to me, Lloyd won."

He stumbled away, looking very sad. Colette, puzzled, stared after him, wondering if she'd upset him. Gaz and Presea glanced at each other, and Gaz moved towards the crowd of students. Lloyd was bragging about this and that about the battle, and how Dib's attack had come too late and was too weak. Gaz listened, her anger slowly, building, but it exploded when Lloyd uttered one sentence more than he should have.

"And did you see him walk away just now? How pathetic he looked? Yeah, I thought so, too—" he was saying to Zelos.

"_HEY_!" Gaz shouted suddenly. The room seemed to dim and Gaz seemed to glow with anger, "I don't know what you think gives you the right to talk about my brother like that but let me tell you that I for one am not going to put up with it because while I still may hate him and find him annoying he's my brother and blood is thicker than water and you have just crossed the line."

"What?" Lloyd asked, stunned at her tirade.

"You heard me," Gaz said, acidly. She advanced, and the crowd parted for her, "I will challenge you to a battle in the future. And I will win. Do you think you can take me on, huh?"

"I'll battle you right now!" Lloyd said, drawing the swords out. The Master Computer and Ms. Bitters slammed down in the background again.

"No," said Gaz, "I want you at full health." The Master Computer and Ms. Bitters retracted into the ceiling once more.

"Don't worry, Lloyd, you can take on this tiny twit," Zelos said, smirking.

"I don't believe you were part of this duel, and since you aren't, I can hurt you right now," Gaz said. She picked up a book and threw it at Zelos, hitting him in the face.

"Ow!" whined Zelos.

"You just wait," Gaz said to Lloyd, her eyes narrowed, "Someday, when you're at full health, and ready, our duel shall commence. And you will lose."

**From The Author's Mind: (June 2011)**

**Ugh. I'm so old.**


	7. Chapter 7: My Spleen Will Go On

**From the Author's Mind: (June 2011)**

**Now here is Edited Version Chapter 7. As per usual… things go a little wonky around Whitestone Academy. Or whatever it's official name is. Silver Imperial Moon Crystal, bitches.**

***NOTE* This takes place about… ten minutes after Chapter 6 ends.**

Chapter 7

"Children!" hissed Ms. Bitters as the students in Building C huddled away from the dripping water, "A state of flood emergency has been called for in this area. We are to remain in this building overnight."

"With the guys?" wailed Sheena.

"It's alright, sweety, I'll keep you warm," said Zelos, snickering.

"But what about me?" Tak asked, looking shocked, "I thought you loved me!"

"I do," Zelos said, and then whispered, "I'm just trying to make her uncomfortable."

"Then do this," said Tak, shooting another fireball at Sheena. Sheena screamed and tripped over another student, her hair on fire. Zelos and Tak collapsed into laughter.

"IDIOT CHOSEN!" Sheena roared, using her favorite term for Zelos.

"BE QUIET!" Gaz hissed, still seething from Lloyd's comments, "The terror speaks."

"Also," Ms. Bitters said, "Since this emergency has been declared, we are required by the school to extend all due dates ahead. Your Health Projects will be due tomorrow, so work on them!"

"We have class on a Saturday?" Ron cried.

"I guess so," said Harry, flatly, "Which is utterly stupid."

"Oh man…" Genis moaned, "Why do I have to work with Hermione?"

"Why do I have to work with you?" Hermione snapped, "I'd rather do my own project."

"Fine," Genis said, "Here's what we'll do. You can work on the pictures, and I'll do the research—"

"NO way!" Hermione shouted, "I'm researching, you can do the art!"

"Both of you, _shut up!_" snarled Gaz, "You're making my head bleed."

"TAK! We shall commence our partnership tonight!" Zim said, "I will… ASSIST… you… in… this… _project…_"

"No, I don't think so, Zim," said Tak, "I'm going to be doing the art for Zelos' project. You're on your own, good-bye!"

She and Zelos walked away, arm-in-arm. Sheena followed, still smoldering slightly. Zim ranted to the ceiling about Tak for a little while and then decided to go find Girtrude, who was attacking Ron with what he called his "Biscotti Specialie," which was actually a bunch of different types of noodles and spaghetti rolled into a big whip.

"OY! Get off of me!" Ron snarled, swinging at Girtrude.

She giggled, ducked, and smiled at him, "You're funny!"

"You know, mate," said Harry, "I think Girtrude likes you."

"Mate? You two are mates?" asked Zim, eyebrows raised.

"What?" asked Ron, "Oh, of course we are."

"… ew…" said Zim, then, to Girtrude, "Gir… trude, I don't think you should communicate with these two… ever again…"

"Huh? How come?" asked Harry.

"Well, you are mates…" said Zim quietly, "And… well, where I came from, two males being mates is a bit unnatural…"

"Wait, what?" Ron exclaimed, "NO! You have it wrong, by mates we mean friends…"

"No, no, it's quite alright, I understand. You two go do… matey... things… Girtrude and I must go work on… stuff," said Zim, nudging Girtrude away.

"LET'S MAKE MORE YOGURT!" said Girtrude.

"Yes… yogurt…" said Zim, glancing in a terrified way back at Harry and Ron.

"I can't believe this… he thinks we're…" said Ron.

"Yeah, I know," said Harry, "But look at it this way: now we won't have to worry about him or Girtrude…"

"I suppose not…" said Ron, sighing.

"Where's Dib? I want to get this project over and done with," said Gaz, as she approached Presea and Iggins (who was listing all the things he knew about their disease from his various Oregon Trail video games).

"There," Presea said, pointing to a broom cupboard. Her eye twitched as Iggins went into a rant about how the Grippe could be cured with lecithin or something like it.

"Thanks," Gaz said, walking over. She threw open the door to see Dib sitting on a bucket, looking horribly depressed.

"What?" asked Dib, eye full of tears, "Why are you bothering me now? I've lost the love of my life, why do you have to make it worse?"

"You're being dumb," Gaz said, "I already am going to get revenge for you, and you'll owe me for that, by the way."

"But Colette hates me," said Dib.

"Open your eyes, idiot," Gaz spat, "She's been looking for you for about ten minutes, but you're hiding here. It's pathetic."

"What?" gasped Dib, "Colette's been looking for me!"

"She wants to give you back your sword or something," said Gaz, flatly.

"Oh…" Dib said, "Well… I'm not worthy enough to be with her."

"That's fine, be that way. But I'm going to make you finish that project if it's the last thing I do," said Gaz, "I will not get a failing grade or you shall feel my wrath and you know by now that my wrath is not something fun to feel, have we an understanding?"

"Yes," said Dib, "Let's go…"

"Hey, Colette," said Neville, "Are we gonna do our project?"

"Sure, what's our disease again?" asked Colette.

"Smallpox," said Neville, "We have to do research on smallpox."

"Oh! I saw a picture of a person with smallpox in one of our textpackets!" Colette said excitedly.

"Really? Where was it?" asked Neville.

"Here!" Colette said, getting the paper and showing him the picture. It showed the face, arms, and legs of a guy with smallpox.

"Poor guy, sleep must be his only escape," said Neville.

"Sleep?" Colette said, confused.

"Yeah, look, his eyes are closed and…" said Neville.

"Oh! No, he's dead," Colette said, happily.

"… huh?" asked Neville.

"Yeah, he died like ten minutes before they took this picture," said Colette conversationally.

Neville suddenly paled and looked kinda nauseous. He smiled at Colette, and then dashed out of the room, probably looking for the nearest bathroom. Colette skipped after him, shouting about how she had more pictures for their project to show him.

"Luna, where are you?" Ginny asked, searching for her partner.

Luna crashed through a window, showering a few students with broken glass. She was wearing a jetpack and slammed into the wall before sliding to the ground. She stood up, unplugged her vest, and then walked over to Ginny, smiling happily.

"Sorry, the CIA needed me to dispose of some things. Bodies, for example," said Luna, "What did you need me for?"

"… uh… we have to start our project," said Ginny, "It's on Beriberi, right?"

"Unless I'm mistaken, it is," said Luna, gleefully, "Let's go to the Library before something terrible happens."

"Right. Optimism," Ginny said with a sigh.

**THE LIBRARY~**

At nine, everyone met in the Library. They broke up into their groups for their research… or, rather, almost everyone did. Hermione and Genis, having spent 3 hours arguing over who would do the actual research, had gone to opposite ends of the Library and both began to do research. Zelos and Tak retreated to some private, back shelves abandoning Sheena and Zim, who both began to look up and do their diseases by themselves. Girtrude had reattached herself to Ron, and was singing a song about chickens and erasers while Ron attempted to research Hematologic Bovine Pox, while also helping Harry and Lloyd do their Black Insomnia, Infectious Subtype report.

They all worked at it for more than two and a half hours. By eleven thirty, many were done with their work, and the Library was one of the few rooms that hadn't sprung a leak quite yet. Ms. Bitters sat at the Library desk, staring at a stack of books. Among the finished groups were Ginny and Luna, Harry and Lloyd, Ron and Girtrude, Presea and Iggins, and Sheena and Zelos (although Zelos and Tak hadn't returned from the bookshelves).

"This is so stupid," Gaz muttered as she and Dib continued to finish up the report of Aquired Athlete's Salmonella. Dib nodded sadly, and kept shooting glances over to Colette, where she and Neville were still hard at work on their Smallpox paper (although Neville kept having to leave the room whenever he saw a picture of a dead body with smallpox). Gaz sighed and returned to writing the conclusion.

"The Library will be shut down at midnight," Ms. Bitters called, "So be quick!"

"Well, I'm going to bed," said one student, one nobody recognized. He and his partner left, and the only people left in the room were the Symphonia, Hogwarts, and the smudged-named town groups. The time was eleven thirty-nine and two seconds.

"Well, we're done," said Colette as she and Neville closed their textpackets, now the last group done.

An almighty crash came from one end of the school, followed by a series of shrieks, bangs, and a huge shaking going through the building. Many people were thrown from their seats, and some were jarred out of nearly-unconscious sleeps. Ms. Bitters frowned, stood up, and walked towards a window while everyone else regained their feet.

"Colette, what did you do now?" asked Zelos.

"I don't know," said Colette, looking horrified, "Did I break the school?"

"No," said Neville, "I don't think so."

"I'm going to see what happened," Ginny said, quickly exiting.

"That was the weirdest thing I've ever felt," said Harry, "It couldn't have been an earthquake, could it?"

"It was probably Girtrude blowing up another building," said Ron.

"Nope! I'm right here!" sang Girtrude, who had attached himself to Dib's face and was preventing respiration.

"Get off," said Gaz, shoving Girtrude to the floor. Dib gasped and fell to the ground.

"Hey… is it just me or does the floor seem just a wee bit tilted?" asked Iggins.

"It has changed 1.39 degrees," confirmed Presea.

The door suddenly burst open and Ginny rushed in. Her jeans and shoes were soaked, and she trailed water behind her. Her face was stricken, and everyone immediately crowded around her.

"Guys, we have a huge problem," said Ginny, "Follow me."

They left the Library, many taking their projects with them. They followed Ginny through the hall, down the stairs, and across another hall. Some thought they could hear running water. Ginny rounded the corner and stopped.

"Look," she said.

They were correct, there indeed was water. A lot of it. It had begun to fill the other end of the hallway, and was creeping up to them rather quickly. Worse, at the far end of the hallway was a bunch of debris, including pieces of the floor above. Part of the school had collapsed, trapping the students on the other side.

"Oh my God!" Hermione cried.

"This is bad, oh so bad," said Zelos.

"What happened?" wailed Neville.

"Improperly installed roof beams, added with the stress of a waterlogged floor, as well as the weight of the students triggered a very horrible collapse," said Genis, "If anyone on the other side survived, they'll be lucky."

"Well, now what?" asked Sheena, "What are we supposed to do now?"

"Assuming the water continued to rise at the constant rate it was at earlier," continued Genis, "It's likely that we are now floating in about four hundred feet of water, and it is also very likely that this building is going to sink."

"You mean…" Ron gasped.

"Yep. Titanic Version 2.0," said Genis.

"Wow! You're really smart, Genis," Colette said happily.

"Show-off…" muttered Hermione darkly, and then squealing when the first bit of water touched her ankle.

"Ms. Bitters!" cried Dib, "What do we do?"

"I was once a ship's captain…" Ms. Bitters said, triggering another flashback at a really bad time.

This time, she stood on top of a cruise ship, wearing full admiral garb. She even had one of those really weird admiral hat things, an eye patch, and a woodpecker on her shoulder. She stood erect, her hand outstretched in a dramatic pose. Around her, people did cruise activities.

"Life on the open seas was rough, but I got by," continued Ms. Bitters' voice, "Until one day, when the horrible sea monster of fate got us..."

The boat chugged along through the ocean. A seagull sat in the water, munching on a jellyfish. The boat ran into it, sank within two seconds, and Ms. Bitters' hat floated to the top of the ocean. The flashback brought them back to everyone standing knee-deep in freezing water, most shivering.

"To the lifeboats," said the teacher, turning abruptly.

"… why does the school building have lifeboats?" asked Tak.

"In case this happened, DUH!" replied Gaz, as Ms. Bitters flew out of sight.

"Come on!" Neville cried, leading the way out of the water.

They re-traced their steps and ran back towards the Library. However, as they got to the Library doors, the ship lurched again and part of the roof collapsed, and the Library tore off completely and fell down into the water below. Lloyd wailed that his project was still inside, and Sheena hit him very hard with her hand. With that escape route cut off, the group had to return to the bottom floor, where the water had already reached their waists.

"It's so cold!" whined Zelos.

"Shut up and swim!" roared Harry.

"Isn't there a way we could use magic to help us get out?" asked Neville.

"N-No," said Hermione through chattering teeth, "No t-t-time… we'll f-f-freeze."

"I see a staircase!" said Ginny, paddling ahead of them. The floor had tilted very far now, and the water was creeping up on them.

"Hurry!" cried Harry, reaching the bottom of the stairs and helping hoist people up to start. Hermione, Genis, Presea, Zelos, Tak, Colette, Dib, Gaz, and Iggins were the first ones to go up, followed by Girtrude, Neville, Luna, Lloyd, Sheena, and Ron. Just as Harry and Ginny were about to mount the stairs, the ship shuddered horribly again, and the stairs snapped about halfway between the two groups. Hermione, Genis, Presea, Zelos, Tak, Colette, Dib, and Gaz managed to cling to the railing, but everyone after and including Iggins fell with the stairs, landing on the third floor's landing, just about eight feet above the water.

"Go on!" called Harry up to them, "Get to the Boat Deck and get yourselves out! We'll meet you there later!"

"Alright!" Hermione called back, "Be careful, Harry!"

"We will!" Harry replied, "Come on, guys, we've got to find an alternate route.

"Hey, Harry…" said Ron, "Have you seen Zim?"

**Zim**

Zim, meanwhile, had stayed behind in the Library. He didn't want to go anywhere near the water, as it would burn him horribly. So, instead, he remained among the books and shelves, debating on what he should do. He saw a few pieces and bits of left-behind projects and cursed Ms. Bitters for making him do the stupid project in the first place. As the school lurched again, Zim found himself lying on the floor.

"CURSE YOU HUMANS AND YOUR H2O!" Zim roared, "CURSE YOUUUUUUUUU!"

The school shook very violently this time. Suddenly, there was a loud, ripping noise, and the lights in the Library went out. Zim found himself in darkness, except for the light of the moon outside, which was still visible despite the rain. Zim blinked, and then the whole side of the building ripped away and Zim screamed blue murder as he and the books around him fell to the water. The splash was unearthly, but that was nothing to the pain he suddenly felt when three bookcases fell on top of him.

"Gir! Trude!" called Zim into his microphone, "Come get me, I'm in the Library!"

"Say por favor," Girtrude replied.

"I won't say it!" Zim replied, and then suddenly felt the icy touch of water on his boots, "Fine! Fine! Por favor!"

"Si, yo voy a hora," Girtrude called.

"I DON'T CARE WHAT HAT MEANS, JUST GET DOWN HERE!" Zim cried as he climbed on top of a stack of bookshelves. Around him, the water flowed in, and it was almost up to the windows.

**Hermione, Genis, Presea, Zelos, Tak, Colette, Dib, Gaz**

"Hermione, where do we go from here?" asked Colette after the group had gotten their bearings on the fourth floor. The main staircase was destroyed, and the water was rising quickly. Genis estimated that they had about thirty-five minutes left before they would be under.

"Uh…" Hermione said, staring back at her comrades, "I think we should first make sure we have no injuries, and then get our bearings. We don't have much time, this is true, but we also can't just go rushing about like chickens with our heads cut off, right?"

"Right," replied the group.

They shivered slightly in the cold. Zelos and Tak huddled close together, arms around each other. Genis was trying in vain to cast Fireball on a stick to create heat, but his mana was depleted. Colette was wringing out her shirt, trying to get as much of the water off as possible. Presea dried her ax on her dress, while Gaz made sure her GameSlave 4 was indeed safe and dry. Dib looked thoughtfully around the building, trying to find an escape route.

"Do they have any ventilation? That might be an option," he said.

"I don't fancy that idea," said Tak, "Even if we do find one, if we get stuck when the water comes in, it'll be all over."

"An elevator, then?" asked Dib, "Or rather, an elevator shaft?"

"I don't think they'd work right now," Hermione replied, "And how would we climb the elevator shaft?"

"There must be a second staircase, then," said Dib.

"Or maybe a fire escape?" suggested Presea, but her words fell on deaf ears (except for Gaz, who nodded).

"I think we should search for a new set of stairs," said Dib, "And quickly, we've only got about half an hour…"

The ship shuddered again, and the doors around them opened a little bit. The lockers rattled as various things fell around inside, and they felt the need to move quickly. This they did, and the first room they entered was the Cooking room, where much of the stuff was on the ground.

"No good," said Dib, leading the way with Hermione as they ran down the hall.

Below and above them, they could hear the yells of their fellow students. Dib guessed there were more inside the building than originally thought, and he wondered if there would be enough lifeboats for them. After unsuccessfully trying sixteen more classrooms, they found another staircase, though the floor was so far tilted by now that it was almost impossible to climb.

"Fifteen minutes, roughly," said Genis, nervously, "We're going to have to try the stairs."

"I guess so… they should lead right to the top," said Dib, "Okay, ladies first. And…"

The ship lurched so badly that most of the group was thrown to the ground. Water sloshed just below the floor level, and Hermione screamed.

"Now or never," said Dib, "We need the girls to go first."

"I'm not going without him!" Tak screamed, clutching herself to Zelos. He nodded and wrapped his arms around her as well.

"Colette, do you need help climbing?" asked Dib.

"No, I should be okay," said Colette nervously. She glanced at the water that was almost pouring over the side of the stairwell. The deck was tilting more by the minute, "Hermione, you go first."

"Alright," said Hermione in a small voice.

She grabbed hold of the banister and began to pull herself up the steep stairs. Colette went next, followed closely by Genis. Tak and Zelos went after him, and then Presea, Gaz, and, finally, Dib. They climbed for about six minutes and were almost to the next landing when the ship suddenly listed towards the starboard, and knocked Gaz, Dib, Presea, Tak, and Zelos right off the side of the banister, down into the water, which had washed into the fourth floor.

"Oh my God!" Hermione wailed from the banister.

"Keep going, there's nothing we can do now," Genis, who had barely held on.

"We can't just leave them!" screamed Colette.

"We have to. We'll get to the Boat Deck, find a lifeboat, and then use it to search for them. They've got Presea with them, they'll be fine."

"I hope so…" said Colette, as the three resumed climbing to the Boat Deck.

**Meanwhile…**

When the first set of stairs collapsed, Harry, Ginny, Iggins, Girtrude, Neville, Luna, Lloyd, Sheena, and Ron had been thrown an entire story to the ground. Many were banged up, bruised, and cut. Sheena quickly repaired as many wounds as she could before the ship sank a little further. The water cascaded over the landing, sweeping the group down the hall a little ways, before it inclined enough to get them out of the water.

"Is everyone alright?" Harry asked.

"Alright?" screamed Iggins, "NO! WE'RE GONNA DIE!"

"Shut up," Ron hissed, "Panicking does no good."

"Ron's right. We need to find an alternate way to get upstairs," said Ginny, "Anyone have any ideas?"

"There was an emergency staircase near the elevators," said Neville as the water ran over their toes, "Let's check that."

"Okay, we'll have to hurry, though," said Harry as the water poured down the hallway. They ran towards the elevator, as the floor tilted more. As they took the corner, they saw the water was rushing down from the other end as well.

"Great, just peachy," said Lloyd, "What do we do now?"

"There's the elevator," said Harry, running ahead and throwing the doors open. However, since the money had run out, the elevator itself hadn't been installed, and it was merely an open shaft. The water was gurgling up from inside there was well, and the water on the floor began to pour into it.

"What do we do now?" asked Sheena, "We can't possibly all climb up this thing."

"We're doomed!" wailed Iggins, "DOOMED TO SUFFER FOR ETERNITY!"

"Wait a minute!" Harry and Ginny said at the same time, "Luna, your rocket packet!"

"Oh yeah…" said Luna, pressing the button which shot her three feet into the air, "I forgot to give it back to the CIA. Oh well. They've got like a billion of them anyway."

"No, Luna, you'll have to ferry us up, one-by-one," said Harry.

"Say por favor," said Girtrude, looking at a wall.

"I think she's finally lost it," Ron whispered to Harry.

"You mean she hadn't before?" he whispered back.

"Yo voy a hora!" Girtrude said, and then ran down the hallway.

"Girtrude, wait!" called Neville.

"Let her go," said Lloyd, "She seems to have a knack for surviving things like this."

"So we should follow her?" Neville suggested.

"Oh hell no," said Lloyd.

"Come on, we don't have much time," said Harry as the water rose to mid-calf.

**Zim**

"Where is that blasted robot?" muttered Zim, piling another bookshelf on top of the ones he already had.

The water was rising steadily as the Library sank. He was already about six feet from the roof, and the water was only eight feet below him. Plus, the bookcases had run out. He was stuck. Then, something happened that made everything a little bit worse. The water had made it to the windows, and they shattered, sending a fresh deluge into the Library, and causing Zim to scream and recoil. The water rose even quicker, and the Library tipped.

"Noooo!" Zim cried, as the bookshelves threw him off and towards the water.

Just before he impacted, Girtrude plummeted through the roof and caught his master. Zim looked up, and only two inches of his legs touched the water. Zim screamed in pain and yelled at Girtrude to take them to the roof. Mis-understanding, Girtrude only took him to the Library roof, and then shot his rockets into the sky.

"Why did you do that?" screamed Zim.

"Fireworks!" cried Girtrude while his rockets exploded in mid-air.

"We're doomed," wailed Zim as a shadow came over the Library. Zim turned, screamed, and a bunch of water rushed over the only exposed part of the Library left.

**Harry, Ginny, Iggins, Neville, Luna, Lloyd, Sheena, and Ron**

"Well, that's the last person," said Luna, as she landed on the fourth floor with Neville. He was soaked, the water having come up to his chin on the third floor before Luna was able to free him.

"Next floor, then," said Harry, "We should have time."

"Oh… shoot…" said Luna, "I forgot to re-fill in Riyadh. I'm out of fuel."

"Perfect. Well, of course, we can't ever have a plan go one hundred percent correctly," Ron snarled.

"Let's go this way," said Harry, "I think there might be another staircase this way."

"How much time do we have left?" asked Sheena.

"I'd say about twenty or so minutes," said Ginny, "It took an awful long time to fly up the elevator."

"Well, if Lloyd hadn't had a fit about his project…" Ron muttered darkly.

"Hey! I thought I saw it floating in the water down there! Give me a break, I'm sure Harry didn't want a zero either!" Lloyd retorted.

"Actually," said Harry angrily, "I'd prefer to keep my life over a stupid little grade."

Lloyd was silent, and they spent five minutes trying to find a proper corridor. It was getting hard to walk straight now, with the deck tilting. Finally, they thought they heard people running up some stairs, so they took a quick left and were immediately taken off their feet by the water roaring down the hallway, which also carried Gaz, Presea, Zelos, Tak, and Dib. They all got swept further down the other hallway, finally coming to rest at a door.

"Get up! Move!" Harry screamed to the people.

Everyone got up as quickly as they could and tried to get away from the incoming water. As they passed one of the large windows, they could see the school had tilted so bad that the water level was only about twenty feet away, barely a floor and a half below them. They continued to run, the water always ankle-deep now, and finally found another staircase, one that led directly to the roof.

"Everyone, up!" Harry yelled, helping Sheena, Luna, Tak, Zelos, and Ginny up the ladder first. As Neville was begging to climb, three doors on their left burst open and many thousands of gallons of water spilled down the hallway. Everyone who wasn't on the ladder, or, in Harry's case, holding on to it, was swept away. Neville, caught by surprise, also was taken by the flow.

"Ron! Neville!" Harry cried, watching his two friends fly around the corner with two others.

"It's no good, Harry!" sobbed Tak, "We've got to get to the roof!"

"He's my best mate!" Harry called, "In a totally non-romantic way!"

"HARRY, I KNOW!" Ginny screamed, "HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL? HE'S MY BROTHER! BUT THERE'S NOTHING WE CAN DO! LET'S GO!"

"Alright…" Harry said, furious with himself. He managed to pull himself up the ladder as the water rose higher and higher, and the school tilted even further.

**Lloyd, Ron, Neville, Dib, Iggins**

"Stay above the water!" Lloyd called to the other four as the boys were thrown, tossed, and shoved along the corridor.

"No, really? I thought it'd be more fun to try and breathe underwater!" Ron roared.

"Not now, guys!" Neville said, struggling to swim, "We've got to get out of here!"

As though his prayer was answered, the water abruptly stopped, sending them forward a few feet on dry floor. Another incline in the hallway, complements of improperly installed floors. The five rushed forward to the nearest classroom door, and slammed it shut, blocking it with desks.

"We should be safe for now," said Ron, sitting down and catching his breath.

"This must be one of the English rooms," said Neville, taking in all the Shakespeare posters.

"How long will that door hold?" asked Iggins, twitching.

"Not very," said Dib, "We've got to find another escape route."

"There is none, except the window," said Ron.

The school shook and inclined even more, sending everything that wasn't bolted down straight forward. Many of the desks crashed into the heater and wall in the back, though six or seven shot right out the window and fell the fifteen or so feet to the water below. The guys looked at each other, barely able to stand straight on the floor.

"We have to jump!" Iggins wailed.

"No!" said Dib, ignoring the water seeping in from under the door, "Hold out just a bit longer…"

"I can't! It's… INSANITY!" Iggins wailed, and then threw himself out the window, shattering the rest of the glass. The other four watched in horror as he fell to the sea below and went under. They didn't see him resurface.

**Kratos, Genis, Hermione, Colette**

"Are you alright?" Kratos asked Hermione, Genis, and Colette as they climbed the last bit of the long, bent rail to the deck.

"No! Of course not!" Hermione wailed, "We just watched half of our friends get swept into the school, and they're probably dead!"

"Take it easy, I'm sure they're fine," said Genis, "Kratos, are there any lifeboats?"

"We have plenty," said Kratos, "I've already started loading the first few. They can sit about thirteen people each, so we should be fine."

"Did everyone come over from the cafeteria?" asked Genis.

"Yes, actually," Kratos said, fairly, "We've already launched three lifeboats, and there's many more…"

Suddenly, there was a loud crash and twenty of the lifeboats suddenly toppled into the water and sank. The students around them looked nervous and pointed to each other, trying to shift the blame.

"… unless that happens," said Kratos, sighing, "Well, we've only got five now. Alright! Women and children first!"

"But we're all children!" someone called.

"Girls first, then!" Kratos amended, "Boys stay back or I'll cast Grave on you all!"

"You two need to go, now!" Genis hissed.

"No! Not without Harry and Ron and Neville and—" Hermione began to argue.

"Or everyone else!" Colette said, "I refuse to sit in a boat until I'm sure the others will be saved."

"Listen to me," said Genis, "There are four boats left, basically. Number five just filled up. Go get in line, now! I'll stay behind and make sure the others make it…"

"NO!" Hermione screamed, "Not happening, I'm waiting for… HARRY!"

A part of the roof had opened up and Harry's group climbed out. Ginny and Harry were both looking back down to see if there was any possibility the others were coming, Luna and Sheena were assessing their whereabouts, and watching the other lifeboats sink.

"Hermione?" Harry asked, straightening up, "Thank God you're alive! Where're the others?"

"Genis and Colette are with me, but the others got swept away!" Hermione sobbed, collapsing into Harry's arms.

"Ron and Neville did, too," said Ginny, patting Hermione on the back, "We need to get you into a lifeboat."

"And you as well," said Harry, looking at Ginny.

"You'll play hell getting me away from you," Ginny said, meeting his gaze steadily.

"Presea? Is that you?" asked Luna, looking past the other Hogwarts students.

"Yes," said Presea, "What took you so long?"

"How did you guys get up here?" asked Genis.

"The fire escape, DUH! Presea told you downstairs," said Gaz angrily.

"Oh. Well, let's go, we have to get in a lifeboat," said Harry.

The deck was sloping even more, and the list was very pronounced at this point. The next boats were at an angle. Suddenly, someone screamed and pointed to the side, where a hand was just pulling themselves over the railing.

"Iggins!" cried Harry, rushing forward to help. Iggins, however, pushed Harry back, and jumped on to the ship.

"I NEED A BOAT!" he screamed, and leapt into an empty boat, cutting the ropes. He fell about twenty feet to the water and began to row away furiously.

"That was dumb…" said Harry, "He was already in the water."

"Oh my God!" wailed another student, "Only three boats left!"

"Get in!" Kratos cried, "Girls only! I mean it! Fine, then, GRAVE!"

Six panicked boys were hit by the spell and knocked into the water. The girls screamed and dove into boats, filling up the first of the three remaining ones. There were still dozens of students left on the roof, and still more came up from within the school, dripping. Inside, there was a crash as everything shot towards the sinking end, and the lights suddenly dimmed and went out. Loud crashes and windows shattering became the norm for the next few minutes.

"Here," Harry said, as he and Hermione lit up the area for everyone so they could see their way to the boats, "We've got to get you all on to a boat!"

"Harry…" Hermione said, in a quiet voice.

"Now, Hermione!" Harry snarled at her.

Hermione nodded, "Fine, but I want to wait for the last one."

"… deal," said Harry, as they moved over to wait.

"Tak, you're going to have to go," said Zelos.

"No. Not without you," hissed Tak.

"You have to, there'll be no room for men like me," said Zelos.

"But… I don't want to," said Tak, eyes tearing up.

"I know, hunnie, but you must! For the sake of our love," Zelos said, kissing her.

"Come on, Colette, let's go play pirates!" said Luna.

"Huh? What?" asked Colette, her thoughts brought back to the Earth.

"In the little boat! Let's play pirates!" said Luna, stepping in to the second boat.

"Speaking of pirates," said Genis, pointing to the chimney of the school.

Ms. Bitters stood on the top of it, dressed in the admiral get-up again. She was staring straight ahead, ignoring the sinking school below her. In her hand was a steering wheel, which was attached to nothing. Below her, Girtrude sat on a few broken bricks, singing "Come Josephine in my Flying Machine."

"Well… that's pretty spiffy," said Luna, "Genis, are you coming?"

"I can't," said Genis, "I'm a guy, I can't go."

"Oh… okay, well, see you later then!" Luna said, waving as eleven other girls quickly loaded into the boat. It was lowered from sight.

"This is the last one!" Kratos shouted over the din, "We will load girls first, and boys will get seats if there is enough room!"

"Go, now," Harry said, pushing Ginny and Hermione forward.

"No!" Ginny screamed, clinging to Harry, "I'll never let go!"

"Ginny, stop being cliché and get in the damn boat!" Harry hissed at her, "You'll never survive if you don't!"

"But… Harry…" Ginny said, tearing up.

Harry leaned in and kissed her. She was a little surprised, but she kissed back, wrapping her hands around his head. Girtrude paused in her song and sobbed and complained at how beautiful it was as the school shuddered and sank lower. The boat began to fill, rather slowly, as girls said good-bye to their boyfriends and climbed in. Hermione, Sheena, Presea, Gaz, and, finally, Ginny stepped into the boat and took seats.

"We have room for a few more! Anyone else?" Kratos asked the crowd.

It was almost completely guys that looked back at him. Only about six girls remained on the roof, faithfully clinging to their significant others. Genis moved forward tentatively, and Kratos nodded. He took a seat next to Sheena. Tak stepped forward next, but drug Zelos with her.

"I'll go if he can go," said Tak, barely keeping her footing on the deck.

"Besides, you need a man to take control of this boat," said Zelos.

"Alright then, get in, both of you. Anyone else?" queried Kratos. Two more boys jumped in, and then he gave the order to lower away.

Ginny looked up, her wet, red hair hanging down to her shoulders. She saw Harry, just standing there, waving sadly at her. She watched as her head became level with the roof, and then she made her decision. She stood up and threw herself back to the ledge, clinging to it barely. Hermione screamed and tried to grab her, but Ginny pulled herself up to the rooftop and was met by Harry's embrace.

"You're so stubborn!" he cried.

"But am I wrong?" Ginny asked, playfully.

"Yes!" Harry screamed, "But I'm… still glad you're here!"

Presea also suddenly jumped out of the boat and pulled herself onto the ledge. Below them, Gaz sighed and followed her friend back to the roof. Hermione gave up trying to call them back into the boat, and just sat down and stared straight ahead. It sank to the water, detached, and floated away.

"Why did you all do that?" asked Ginny.

"It's more fun up here," said Gaz.

"Sitting in that boat dropped my IQ 10.3 points," said Presea, "But it's back now."

"Well…" said Harry as the ship continued to go, "We need to go to the far end of the building. If we can stay up long enough, perhaps we can survive."

"Let's go," said Ginny, as most of the students panicked and ran to the higher end of the school. The water was already reaching the bow end and washing over it. The ship groaned and creaked as the magical light Harry and Hermione had conjured went out.

**Neville, Lloyd, Dib, Ron**

"We don't have much time," said Neville as the school sank lower.

The lights had finally gone out, and the four boys were bathed in almost complete darkness, except for an eerie light Ron conjured. Neville had repaired the window, and the door was holding up surprisingly well. The water almost reached the window, and the tilt was getting impossible to stand on.

"I wonder how much time we have left…" Ron muttered, staring at the door.

"Until the door gives out, I think," Dib said, checking it, "I'd say about three minutes."

"What do you guys think death will be like?" Lloyd asked, sitting in a corner.

"I think lots of dead people will be there," said Neville.

"… you never cease to amaze me," said Ron.

"I think it'll be a wonderful place," Dib said dreamily, "One where everyone accepts you, no matter who you are and what your beliefs are. And maybe… she'll be there…"

"Who? Co—" Lloyd began.

The ship shook even more violently than before. There came a loud ripping noise, the sound of metal being wrenched apart. Shrieks and yells came from above, followed by the sound of footsteps. The school started to go horizontal again, but the noise got even louder, especially outside, and it sounded like most of it had broken off entirely. The room suddenly began to sink faster, and the water went up to the window and then above it.

"Oh no!" cried Dib, just as the water began to push on the door.

"Brace yourselves, lads," said Neville.

"Here it comes…" Lloyd muttered.

The door gave out and all the water from the hallway began to pour in at an alarming rate. All of the boys were swept off their feet and flung around the room, which also picked up chairs, desks, books, and anything else in its path. The room filled up rather quickly, and Dib found himself being carried by the current, right out of the room. His last glance, before the water swept him away, was Neville clinging to a bookcase, Ron furiously trying to break the window, and Lloyd half-drowning. Then he was swept right out of the hallway and into the open water as part of the school sank down. The rest of the school loomed above him, and he gasped at the site, beginning to swim away as fast as he could.

**The Roof of Building C**

"Hurry up!" Harry screamed, leading the group of students more forward than before. Above them, Ms. Bitters and Girtrude repositioned themselves on a new chimney. Now Gir was singing "My Hear Will Go On," but he replaced a few words. For example, he used "spleen" instead of "heart," "pineapple" for "love," and "Topeka" for "you, your, and you're."

"Harry, are we going to be okay?" asked Ginny as the stumbled across the roof.

"I hope so, Ginny," said Harry, "Are the others still following us?"

Ginny glanced back. Gaz and Presea were indeed following them, Gaz playing her GameSlave 4, while Presea carried a boom box gangster-style with Gir's song on it. Ginny glanced back to Harry, and they shared an eye-roll. They could see the far end, which had risen into the air very far by now. A few students already found the railing thing that was used by the mechanics, and were holding on to it. Harry and Ginny also got a spot, while Gaz and Presea contented themselves to leaning on the chimney Ms. Bitters and Girtrude were on. Around them, students found whatever they could to hold on to, as the stern of the school rose higher and higher.

"This seems vaguely familiar," said Ginny, "Though I'm not sure where I've seen it before."

"I don't know either," said Harry, but he was cut off.

The ship made the loud crashing, shattering, wrenching noise, and the front broke off. The back leveled out, dropping many feet and causing screams from many of the students. About two dozen were thrown off the deck, or jumped, leaving a reduced number on the school itself. They clung to the railings as they were level for a few minutes.

"Are we… safe?" asked Presea.

The ship began to sink again, going almost vertical really quickly. Many other students fell off, and Gaz and Presea stood on the chimney, wrapping their electronics in Press-N-Seal. Harry secured himself and Ginny to the other side of the rail, where they waited. The building continued to go, with students swimming away in a panicked state. There was much debris in the immediate area, and Harry searched for one that both he and Ginny could get on.

"There! A table!" he said, "Ginny, when I say jump, we'll have to jump. If this pulls you under, swim up, okay?"

"Right. Here we go…" Ginny said, mentally preparing herself.

"Hold on, everyone!" Harry called, "Try and swim for some flotation debris!"

Below them, the first chimney disappeared. Then the second, including Ms. Bitters, Girtrude, Gaz, and Presea. As the water began to engulf the railing, Harry shouted and both he and Ginny threw themselves into the water. The impact was brutal; the water had to have been almost freezing. It hadn't been nearly that bad in the school. Harry and Ginny were both dragged under for a little while, but then emerged to find many students struggling and fighting in the water. They made a beeline for the table, and Ginny climbed on top of it. Harry floated in the water next to her.

"It's too small, Harry," muttered Ginny, "You can't fit."

"It's alright," said Harry, "I'll… just float here…"

They hung there for another fifteen minutes. Around them, the cries and wails and splashing of their fellow students slowly died away, and soon it was only Harry and Ginny. They muttered to each other, trying to keep one another awake. Harry felt his body freezing as he floated in the water. Ginny brushed his hair out of her eyes, and he did the same to her. As he felt himself lose consciousness, he kissed Ginny's hand and put his head down in her arms, as she muttered, "… hold on, Harry…"

**Dib**

Dib struggled to the top of the water, gasping for air. He took in eight huge lungfuls, coughing up a lot of seawater. He floated there, treading water. Who was he? Dib Membrane, Paranormal Investigator. Where was he? Above the sinking wreckage of the Whitestone. Who was going to rescue him? Unsure.

"Well…" he muttered, climbing on to a floating board, "At least I know I'll be dry."

"Dib monkey!" came a call.

"Zim?" Dib asked, looking around. He heard something coming through the water behind him, and he turned. He gasped when he saw Building A cutting through the sea towards him. The building, which also housed the cafeteria, had a large section 5 stories high, as well as a smaller section only three high. Zim stood on the smaller section, looking at Dib contemptuously.

"Zim! Hey! Wait! I need help!" Dib called.

"I know, human sewage," said Zim, "I've come to rescue you."

"Actually," Raine's voice called from the megaphone, "We all have. Regal will come get you in the boat, are there any other survivors around you?"

"Not here, but the ship sank a few hundred more feet in!" Dib called back, "Have you picked up any lifeboats yet?"

"No!" called Raine, "But Kratos assured us that around eight were launched!"

"Right," said Dib, as Regal rowed over to him to fetch him.

"Are you alright?" asked the blue-haired man.

"Considering my circumstances, yes," said Dib, "But overall, not really."

"I see. Well, up you go…" he picked Dib up and into the boat, wrapping him in a blanket, "We've got Snape and Trelawney in the other two lifeboats, they're out searching over there."

"Right…" Dib said, falling into a fitful sleep.

**Harry**…

It was quiet. And dark. Harry could feel his body going very numb. And yet… it was comfortable. As he floated in the water, he could no longer feel Ginny's hand in his. His eyes wouldn't open, either. _This must be the end…_ thought Harry, _I'm dead. I died. And Ginny… I hope she made it…_

"Ginny…" Harry muttered, "Don't give up… don't die…"

"Honestly, Potter," spat a voice that cast instant doom into Harry's world, "Stop being so dramatic and get in the boat. And fifty points from Fence for not paying attention to your surroundings."

Harry forced his eyes open. Snape sat in front of him, floating in a lifeboat. Inside were a number of students, including Ginny, Gaz, Presea, and Neville. All four were shivering and wrapped in blankets. Harry's heart leaped, and he climbed into the boat, where a magical towel wrapped itself around him.

"Harry, we thought you were dead," sobbed Ginny, hugging him.

"I'm okay. Neville, where's Ron?" asked Harry, concerned.

"I don't know," said Neville, looking stricken, "The last thing I remember was the water pouring into the classroom, me clinging to a bookshelf, Dib getting swept away, and then it sorta goes black."

"So Ron's… dead?" Harry asked, biting his lip.

"We don't know that, Harry," said Ginny bracingly, "There might still be a chance…"

"If you are all done whining now," said Snape, "We can continue our search for survivors."

**Lifeboat C-6…**

"Hermione, do you see that?" asked Genis, standing up in the boat.

"Sit down!" Hermione snarled, "You'll tip us."

"Look! Over there! It's… … another… school building…?" Genis said, confused.

"By God, it is!" said Zelos, "Hey! We're over here! Come rescue me! And Tak!"

"And the rest of us!" called Hermione.

"They'll never see us like this," Tak said, "FIREBALL!"

She pointed her hands to the air and started to send out fireballs to show their position. Genis and Zelos followed suit. Around them, the other lifeboats began to do so as well, although they could see Colette's boat giving off Angel Feathers every few seconds. The building changed its course and came quickly to Lifeboat 3. A rope ladder came down, attached by Zim and Raine.

"Climb up, everyone!" Raine called, "We'll get everyone we can."

Genis climbed up first, followed by Hermione, Tak, and a few other girls. After embracing his sister for about ten seconds, Genis turned his attention to helping the girls reach the top. Likewise, Zelos was helping the girls begin their ascent up the rope ladder. It took about ten minutes to get everyone off the boat.

"Let's go, everyone," said Raine, "We've got a lot of work to do, and not much time to do it."

"Oh Harry… Ron…" muttered Hermione.

"Lloyd, Colette, please be safe…" said Genis.

"Girtrude! If you died, I'll kill you!" Zim screamed over the water.

"I'm okay! And so is Sanchez!" came the return call.

**Rescue Boat Slytherin-Alpha**…

"I can't believe we're alive," said Harry as the boat continued to sail through the debris field, "Or, rather, I can't believe everyone's alive. I thought you all started dying!"

"No, we just went to sleep. It got boring, all that struggling in the water," replied one saved boy.

"Oh… but wasn't it cold?" asked Harry.

"Well, duh, the water was like sixty degrees…" said another boy, "But at least we're safe now."

"Don't count on that…" Harry muttered, glaring at Snape as he lazily steered the oversized boat through the water, "And what about Ron?"

"Professors Bryan and Trelawney have their own lifeboats, Potter," said Snape, "And Professor Sage has Building A. If he's out there, we'll find him."

"Right…" muttered Harry as the sun peaked over the sea.

**Rescue Ship Building A**

By seven-thirty, it was assumed that all survivors had been found, and all boats were to return to Building A immediately. The only lifeboat unaccounted for was Professor Trelawney's, but no one was really concerned about that one. Meanwhile, Professor Bryan returned with not only Dib, but Lloyd, Girtrude, Sanchez, and about a dozen other students. Professor Snape had saved twenty-four by himself. Raine had picked up the other lifeboats, and was just getting Colette's when Snape's boat arrived.

"Colette! You're alive!" Genis cried, running to embrace her.

"Yep," Colette said, though only half-heartedly, "Luna's not with us, though. She jumped out of the lifeboat about two hours ago and swam away. We tried to call her back, but…"

"She probably went to the CIA to get help," Genis assured her, "Come on, let's get you some warm clothes and food."

"I like food," said Colette, walking with him.

"Harry! Oh, thank God!" cried Hermione, flinging herself into his arms as he stepped aboard. He was nearly thrown back off the ship.

"Hermione, I'm alive. So are Ginny and Neville," said Harry.

"What about Ron and Luna?" asked Hermione, worried.

"Luna got in a lifeboat on the ship," Harry said, "But Ron… we don't know where he is."

"Oh no…" said Hermione softly, "Please don't let him be dead."

"Maybe he's in that one," said Ginny desperately, looking at Regal's lifeboat.

Sadly, he wasn't. Dib, Lloyd, and Girtrude and Sanchez quickly boarded and were herded to get food. Regal pulled the boats back to the building by himself and went to get a total from Raine. After checking and double-checking all the students on board, it was decided that fifty-seven people were accounted for, but eighteen were still missing, Ron, Luna, and Iggins among them. While no one cared much for Iggins, the other two were missed, especially by the Hogwarts crew.

For two hours they stood out in the cold air, Harry, Hermione, Neville, and Ginny. They stared off the bow, hoping to be able to see the faint dot of a lifeboat. Raine, Colette, and Dib had tried to comfort them, give them food, and take them inside. All efforts were refused, and, eventually, they gave up. Then, at about nine, they saw something.

"Professor Raine!" screamed Hermione, "Hard-a-starboard! I see something!"

"Aye, I see it as well," said Raine, "I'm heading for it now."

They pulled closer, and they could tell that it was definitely a lifeboat. Who was aboard was a mystery. They were disappointed to see that it was only Iggins, who climbed safely aboard.

"I'M SAFE!" he wailed, and then collapsed. He was taken roughly to a medical center to await treatment.

"He must be dead… they all must be…" muttered Hermione, tears in her eyes.

"Do you hear something?" asked Neville suddenly.

"Yeah… I do," said Ginny, "It sounds like a Concorde again."

"No! It's that thing!" Harry said pointing, "It's a… flying lifeboat?"

"Luna," everyone said at once.

Sure enough, they could see Luna when the lifeboat got closer. She was sitting with Professor Trelawney, Ms. Bitters, and, to everyone's delight, Ron. They cleared the way for the landing, which was very rough and abrupt. They crashed onto one end of the deck, skidded across, and shot right off the other side and into the water. Ms. Bitters jumped out a split second before it plummeted to the water and landed gracefully on her feet. Then she sort-of flew away into the room.

"Ron!" Harry screamed, leading them forward.

Below, they could see Ron sitting in the front of the boat, looking half-terrified, half-insane. Behind him, Professor Trelawney and Luna were singing sailor songs, as well as "My Spleen Will Go On." Ron glared up at everyone else, his hair all over his face.

"If I have to hear them sing one more time," he shouted, "I'm going to go bonkers!"

"Oh, Ron!" Hermione wailed, and then fainted. With sighs and shrugs, everyone helped get the three out of the lifeboat and into the Hospital, where they all got medical treatment and some Ramen.

Three hours later, the groups sat in a classroom that Ms. Bitters had commandeered for the day. She was still wearing the admiral uniform, and was sitting behind her desk as Presea and Iggins stood at the front of the room, delivering their Health Project. Around the room, everyone sat in their normal seats, various emotions playing across their faces. The only group to have gone before Presea and Iggins was Sheena and Zelos' group, and their report on Severe Syphilis was well-received, especially when she used Zelos as a reference and future test subject.

"So, in conclusion," Presea said, "Iggins, from his trip in the cold, wet boat, is now showing the most typical signs of The Grippe. For more information, see Influenza. Thank you."

The class clapped. Presea bowed taciturnly. Iggins shivered on the floor, his face pale. Ms. Bitters stood up and walked behind the group.

"Very good, Presea. You get an A," said Ms. Bitters, "Iggins, you get a D. FOR _DISEASED!_ Get to the containment ward before you infect us all with your D!"

The Master Computer sent Iggins from the room right down a tube and into the Hospital Containment Ward. The next group to go was Hermione and Genis, and they were both furious when they got C's since they only had research and no visual aids on Irritable Type I Myalgia. Colette and Neville's project went over rather well, both got a B on the smallpox paper, though Neville had to rush out of class and retch a few times. Then came Lloyd and Harry.

"Oh no!" Lloyd moaned, "Harry, what do we do?"

"Tell them the truth," muttered Harry, "We'll say it was lost."

"Alright," said Lloyd, standing up, "Well, we had Black Insomnia, the Infectious Subtype. We did out project last night, but we ended up losing it when Building C sank. Um… do we get credit?"

"No!" Ms. Bitters shouted, "Sit down!"

"But—" Lloyd began.

"Containment Center, now!" cried Ms. Bitters.

Lloyd was the next to be sucked into the floor and spat out in the Hospital Ward. Harry sat down very quickly after that. Next to go was the duo of Ginny and Luna. They did very well with Beriberi, and both received A minuses. The girls sat down, looking very satisfied. Tak and Zim went next, and their demonstration on Kawasaki's Sporidiosis worked out very well, especially since Zim had finally claimed it as his disease. Tak even gained extra credit for herself by showing how people with the disease suffer from water being poured on them. She got an A, but Zim ended with a B+ since he was weak.

"Next up… Girtrude and Ron! And be quick!" Ms. Bitters commanded.

"We had Hematological Bovine Pox," said Ron, "Um… we lost most of our project in the sinking, but Girtrude will tell you all she knows about it."

"Symptoms include sore throat, hemorrhaging, and uncontrollable lusting! You've got five seconds to live!" Girtrude squealed, and then immediately bowled Ron over in a hug.

"That was horrible," said Ms. Bitters, "You both get an E!"

"Mo phier!" came Ron's muffled voice from behind Girtrude.

"Finally… Gaz and Dib," said Ms. Bitters.

The two siblings went to the front of the room. Dib opened the paper and began to read, but he was cut off by Gaz. She told him to be quiet and let her take it.

"Acquired Athlete's Salmonella," she said, "is a terrible disease. Jocks and cheerleaders get it often, and common symptoms include much pain, suffering, and doom. There is no treatment, and it has a high mortality rate. Now go away."

"Excellent, Gaz," said Ms. Bitters, "You get an A, too."

"But… that wasn't in the report…" said Dib.

"Silence, Dib! You get a D! Because your name is Dib!" Ms. Bitters hissed.

"I kind of like being on a boat school," said Ginny, looking out the window, "It's a bit relaxing."

"Until this one sinks, too," said Harry, his arm around hers.

The school shuddered a few times, and, suddenly the water level outside began to drop rapidly. It went away in about ten seconds, and they found Building A reattaching itself to its foundation. Buildings B, D, and E were also unharmed, but Building C and the gymnasium were missing. The students filed out onto the rather muddy and destroyed grounds.

"WE'RE SAFE!" wailed Iggins, "PRAISE THE LORD!"

"Well, now that we've got dry land under us," said Gaz, "We all know what time it is, right?"

"CRUSIFIXION!" screamed everyone, charging at Iggins.

"Nooooo!" he screamed, rushing off towards the setting sun, while the angry mob chased him with pitchforks and torches and various other pain objects.

**From the Author's Mind: (June 2011)**

**Wow. That was the closest thing to a serious chapter I've ever written. And it was very long. Well, gotta break those habits. (****SPOILER****: I don't). Um… some disclaimers… Titanic references, obviously, and many of the diseases mentioned above (the ones with more than one word) came from the random disease generator. Anyway… preview for Chapter 8 which is kind of pointless since it's already been published!**

**When the budget finally does run out and Whitestone is threatened with closure, the military steps in with funding, dozens of new students, and a few Nazis. Being suppressed certainly isn't the style of Iko Iko, and the students plan a revolt which might end in their lifetime imprisonment. Meanwhile, Luna and Zim go on a mission of their own, one that might make Zim look better in the eyes of The Tallest. But this mission is dangerous, and they risk exposure, school-wide destruction, and Luna's dismissal from the C.I.A.**


	8. Chapter 8: Duck, Duck, NAZI!

**From the Author's Mind: (June 2011)**

**Forewarning to those who are new to ToIPatWS: This was one of the least-liked chapters. Even I am not fan of it. I'd say skip it but you kind of can't because IMPORTANT THINGS happen.**

Chapter 8

Two weeks after the sinking of the W.S.S. Building C, the building and gymnasium were unearthed, along with all the missing students. With the buildings returned, a large amount of money was mysteriously found in the school's bank account, which allowed complete refurbishment of all the buildings. Reports of white slave trade being used as part of this money have been repeatedly denied by the school board, although many students had randomly disappeared from the school in that time period.

With the new campus in place, the remaining thirty or so students at Whitestone went about their daily lives, and as October melted into November, things returned to "normal." We use the term "normal" very loosely, since nothing can ever be normal at Whitestone. Not for any extended period of time, anyway. Still, old problems are hard to destroy and, predictably, the school's finances dove into the red once more. With no other way to save the budget, the school hired out to the highest bidder, one who would pay for the education of all students inside the walls.

**Tuesday, November. Building B. 8:35 P.M. Health Class.**

"So you see, children," Ms. Bitters concluded, "Everyone in the world except for you has A.I.D.S., so don't touch them or you'll get pregnant and die."

She stood in front of her students, the word "Reproduction," on the board behind her. Her students looked back, six of whom were toasted from having impure thoughts in the classroom. The most prominent of these was Zelos, whose hair was still on fire with Tak repeatedly trying to hose it down with Aqua Edge. Many students were falling into a stupor, though there were the resolute few who remained wide awake, scribbling down notes like their lives depended on it.

"Now, children, Master Computer has an announcement. Stand while we say our pledge," she said, standing at attention.

Everyone stood next to their chairs and recited the familiar pledge, "We pledge our lives to Master Computer, and all the 733Tness that he stands for. And we promise him all our blood stores when we die. We sing his name upon high, and pledge our meaningless lives to his feet, and justice for all."

The chainsaw music, which had now become the school's alma-mater, played as the Master Computer slowly descended from the ceiling. He bowed and nodded and basked in the glory that was him. Girtrude threw a rose at him, which stabbed him in his "eye" and made him bleep angrily. He composed himself to speak to the students.

"Good evening children and thank you for your wonderful attention. Now…" he said, and began to go into a monotone, obviously having said this to every classroom so far, "Due to budget cuts and other circumstances beyond our control, the Military will soon be assuming control of this school. With it will come many years worth of funding, dozens of new pupils, and, of course, higher education. You might even get mechanical pencils AND lead now."

"Oh, good," said Colette, relieved, "It's really hard to write without it."

"They will be here at 00:00 hours sharp. And for those of you that don't know what that means, it means midnight. Thank you and go die. I mean… good-bye…"

Silence greeted this announcement. And then the whispering started, slowly but surely. It didn't take long for the whole class to be complaining and up-in-arms about the situation.

"They'll turn us into robotic slaves and then send us to die somewhere!" exclaimed Sheena.

"They'll try and trick us into working for them and developing weapons for them!" wailed Hermione.

"They'll steal my brain for something!" Genis exclaimed, clamping his hands over his head.

"They'll make my hunnies cover up!" cried Zelos, tears streaming down his face.

"They'll make me wear tacky clothing!" Lloyd screeched, standing on a desk.

"They'll be able to sign my book! And then I'll get promoted since all the branches of the government will have signed!" Luna said, happily opening a small, black book she begun carrying at all times.

"Aw, come on, I don't think it'll be that terrible," said Dib, "I mean, it's just the Military."

"I was once in the Military…" Ms. Bitters said.

The flashback this time was, as usual, in black and white. In an open field, Ms. Bitters and Countess Von Verminstrasser skipped along, wearing camouflage clothing and helmets. They carried a basket of flowers, and looked like they were actually enjoying life. A few boys ran in front of them, chased by a short man with a moustache and whip. A banner above them all read "The Hitler Youth Camp."

"And then, one day, my life changed forever," came Ms. Bitters' voice from nowhere.

An atomic bomb dropped onto the scene, resulting in a horrible explosion that blackened everything around. The banner blew away, as did the trees, meadow, and various other happy-go-lucky items of joy. The classroom rematerialized and Ms. Bitters continued to talk like nothing had happened.

"And that, children, is the meaning of life. GO DIE!" Ms. Bitters screamed.

"… Don't you mean, 'good-bye?'" Ginny suggested tentatively.

"… Yes," said Ms. Bitters, sweeping out of the room.

"Well, this is going to be an interesting night," said Harry, "I hope something horrible doesn't happen that puts all of our lives in jeopardy…"

**Tuesday, November. The Campus of Whitestone. 2355 (11:55 P.M.)**

Most of the campus had assembled by ten till the expected arrival of the Military. They stood in groups of their friends, with the Professors standing on the stage (except for Professor Trelawney, who was out cold from drinking). The Hogwarts group, Symphonian Group, and the "other" group stood apart, each shivering with anticipation. The air was silent as the clock struck midnight, signaling the arrival.

Instantly, there was a loud banging noise, and a plane plummeted from the sky, landing heavily on the ground. A platform extended, and twelve soldiers quickly jumped out and stood at attention. Three official-looking people came off the plane next, walking with spines as straight as humanly possible.

"Area secured," one of the bodyguard men said.

"Very good," said the man who seemed to be in charge. He was flanked on either side by a woman and another man, both of whom were stern-faced and angry-looking, "Welcome to the new Whitestone Training Academy."

"Your cooperation is not requested, it's required," said the woman in a very brisk tone, "Your actions will reflect on this school and the Military itself. If you misbehave, you will be dealt with accordingly, and to the full extent of Martial Law."

"Get some rest, troops, we begin at dawn," the third man said.

"Excuse me!" Hermione called from the audience, her hand waving in the air, "Are there any new courses we can sign up for?"

The man in charge stared at her for a moment. His eyes bulged slightly at first, and then returned to normal as an evil smirk moved across his face. Hermione instantly wished she had kept her mouth shut, and trembled slightly as the man took a deep breath and continued to speak.

"You do not choose courses. We assign them for you. Tomorrow at oh-seven-hundred sharp, you will all attend basic training. And then you will be split up into your assigned classes," the man replied, his tone frighteningly gleeful.

"And what about our magic courses? Do we still take them?" asked Genis with a note of annoyance in his voice.

"Magic? You must be joking; magic does not exist, boy," the woman snarled, "Don't talk foolishness."

"And what about our houses?" Zelos demanded.

"Houses?" said the third man, blankly.

"Here at Whitestone," piped up Regal, "We have divided the students into four houses: Fence, Typhoid, Iko Iko, and Potato. We feel it—"

"Yes! Of course!" the in-charge man said, "It will be as though you are all separate armies! Makes the war games much easier. Now, you will have about six dozen new students joining you, so you will have to make room for them…"

Another ship landed behind the first, and students began to march off. They all looked the same: strong, blonde, muscular boys who looked as though their souls had been sucked out. They stepped in-line with everyone else and gave off more of an appearance of robots than anything else. From behind them, a voice cracked through the air like a red-hot whip.

"… move it! Forward motion! Let's get this show on the road! Left, right, left, right!" came the unmistakable snarl of Countess Von Verminstrasser, the Delouser. Sure enough, she rode a floating platform above the other students as they walked along, cracking a whip above their heads.

"Countess!" Ms. Bitters said, suddenly looking happy for once.

"Bitters!" squealed the Delouser, embracing her friend, "How are you?"

"Miserable," shot back Ms. Bitters, back to her flat tone. "And you?"

"Homicidal," replied her friend, stonily.

"Wait, you two knew each other this whole time? Even during the lice incident?" Dib asked, stunned.

"Irrelevant," they replied at the same time.

"That should be a very clear answer," muttered Sheena.

"Enough! Bed, all of you!" screamed the man-in-charge, "We're up at seven!"

**Wednesday, November. Whitestone Campus. 0701 hours.**

The next morning, everyone assembled on the campus of Whitestone for their first set of instructions. With the new students, the ratio of boys to girls was around 4:1. Some of the girls, like Sheena, Ginny, and Tak, were irritated by all the guys around them. Others, among them Presea and Gaz, could care less. Luna, as usual, was out with the C.I.A. and was excused from morning exercises.

"Good morning, soldiers!" called the man-in-charge over the megaphone, "I'm pleased to see you have all arrived. Basic training runs from 0700 hours to 0830 hours, followed by your morning classes until 1300 hours. From 1400 hours to 1900 hours, you will be in your specialty class, learning about you're assigned field."

"Your assignments will be posted at lunch. Now… begin!" the 2nd-in-command woman added.

"What do we do?" asked Dib, blankly.

"RUN!" the man shouted, brandishing a sword he probably stole from the Weapons Appreciation room. "Run like your lives depended on it!"

With a couple of screams and yelps, the students of Whitestone Training Academy began to run around the courtyard. The other soldiers, as well as the three in charge, kept a close watch to see who was and was not suitable for physical activity. Genis, Neville, and Hermione were the first ones to have to stop and lagged behind the rest of the group by a large margin.

When they were done with the sixtieth lap of the school, they were ordered to a very difficult obstacle course. With barbed wire crawl areas, tires, walls, and a strange log, many students became taxed and passed out. Genis, Hermione, Neville, now joined by Dib, Ron, Harry, Colette, and Zim, were all carried into the medical ward by the trainees, having lost all of their energy and half-died.

After the obstacle course, they did some general strength-increasing exercises., including push-ups, pull-ups, dips, and, of course, plenty of jump rope. Finally, at 0830, they were given half an hour to shower and get ready for their first classes. Those in the Medical Ward had come around and were also preparing for their first lessons.

"That was awful!" exclaimed Ginny, "I can't feel anything lower than my arms."

"At least you didn't pass out," said Hermione, who looked embarrassed at failing so miserably, "And we have to do that everyday!"

"Except for Luna. Did she get back yet?" asked Neville, somewhat jealously.

"Yeah, she was the one who crashed the plane into Building E," answered Sheena.

"Really?" Lloyd said, looking shocked, "I thought it was just Air France making their flight paths over the school again."

"No, it was me," said Luna happily, ignoring the burning building behind her, "I could've sworn that Slinky-Tak was gone…"

"What about me?" asked Tak, who had just joined the group.

"Never mind, Tak, Luna's just being weird again," Hermione said, rolling her eyes.

"Oh my God," came a horrified voice.

They turned to see Ron looking at a list of classes they were required to take in the morning. The classes themselves were supposed to encompass all the major subjects: Math, History, Science, English, Gym, and the like. However, the Military had found a clever way to get around this. The classes were called "Military History," "Vehicular Training," "Weapons 101," "Combat 101," "War Games," and "Tactics 101." The classes, "covered" History, Driver's Ed, Science, English, Gym, and Math, respectively. However, this was not what horrified Ron so much.

"Look who teaches Vehicular Training…" Ron said.

"Oh Lord…" Hermione breathed.

"It can't be…" Genis muttered.

"How can they trust—" began Lloyd.

"What? It's just Professor Trelawney," said Luna.

Outside, they heard an explosion. The group ran to the window and saw one of the tanks breaking through the fence and driving away. Sure enough, they could see Professor Trelawney sitting in the hatch, cackling madly as she drove over various obstacles in her path. She turned faced the school, waving happily. The tank continued, collided with a tree, and exploded.

"Well… that wasn't good," said Hermione after a few seconds of stunned silence.

"I hope she's alright," said Sheena.

"She is," said Presea, pointing to their teacher's cackling body. "She sustained only minor injuries."

"Those tanks blow," said Zelos, "Any moron could build one better than that."

"Shut up, Zelos," hissed Genis, "If they hear you say that, you'll be thrown in jail!"

"Everyone, let's go!" Hermione squealed, "We'll be late for Military History!"

"Who teaches that one?" asked Genis.

"Ms. Bitters and Countess von Verminstrasser," replied Hermione as she sped off down the hallway.

"… Oh Lordy, Lordy…" Sheena groaned, shaking her head.

**Wednesday, November. Building A. Military History Class. 0945 hours.**

"So you see, brats," Countess von Verminstrasser concluded near the end of the hour-and-ten-minute-long lesson, "Your entry to the Military is like signing your life over to the devil."

"For you will find nothing but misery and stale pancakes," Ms. Bitters added.

The entire class had been spent by the two teachers telling about their experiences in the Nazi Army, as well as various other armies they joined later in life. They were in an enormous lecture hall, freshly constructed, and it felt like the entire student body was in there with them. Some people were taking notes, others were sleeping. The new students sat rigid in their chairs, doing very little.

Then, a loud alarm began to blare. All over the place, red lights appeared. The students clamped their hands over their ears, each looking terrified. Master Computer plummeted out of the ceiling, looking equally horrified. The pledge was forgotten as he began to spit out the warning.

"WARNING! WARNING! THEY ARE HERE! THEY ARE HERE! ALL STUDENTS ARE TO TAKE SHELTER IN THE BUNKERS IMMEDIATELY! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I REPEAT: THIS IS NOT A DRILL!" he shouted, retracting into the ceiling to continue to warn everyone.

"ALRIGHT!" shouted Countess von Verminstrasser, "FOLLOW ME!"

She strode ahead quickly. The rest of the students panicked, left their stuff where it was, and ran after her. Even the soulless students looked scared now, screaming and running in many directions with the other students. They made it through the halls without too many problems, though the grounds were complete pandemonium. The bunker was situated at the other end of the campus, and with students running in all directions, it was going to be a very difficult journey.

"MOVE OUT!" shouted the Countess, disappearing amongst the deluge of students others.

"What do we do?" wailed Hermione, clinging to Ron. "What's going on?"

"I don't know!" called Harry. "But we have to get to the bunker, it's our only chance!"

They formed a chain, making their way past the other students. Many were confused as to what was going on, where they were to go, and many more had fallen and were being stepped on and trampled. Finally, the medical robots came back and helped get those who had been squished into the bunker. Then, a wall of students slammed into the arm-chained group, breaking them apart.

"Keep on going!" called Harry as his group got separated from Ron's, "We'll get there in time!"

"Right!" Ron replied, while the majority were swept into the bunker by the flow of bodies.

By the time the other wall of students had dissipated, allowing Harry's group to get headed towards the bunker, the grounds were almost deserted. Harry glanced at his remaining classmates: Ginny, Tak, Zelos, Sheena, Lloyd, Dib, Colette, Girtrude and Zim. They continued to make their way across, but then stopped.

"Do you hear something?" asked Sheena.

"Let me use my angel hearing," said Colette, focusing for a second, "Yeah, I do hear something."

"What is it?" asked Harry.

"It's… a 'blah' sound," said Colette, "And I think I can hear mopeds as well."

"Mopeds? Blah? What's the connection?" Dib wondered aloud.

Suddenly, it got louder. In the distance, a cloud of dust raised as whatever was making the noise came towards the school. Gasping, the nine remaining students headed straight for the nearest building, hiding themselves behind it. There was no way they'd get to the bunker now.

**Inside the Bunker…**

"What are they?" asked Hermione in a small voice as those in the bunker were able to see the cloud through the reinforced windows.

"I don't know, but that blah noise is really getting on my nerves already," said Genis through gritted teeth.

"That doesn't matter right now!" snapped Hermione, "Our friends are out there!"

"You know what, Hermione—" Genis began, leaping to his feet.

"QUIET!" Gaz shouted, and the entire bunker quieted instantly, "They're the MEDIA, obviously."

"Media?" queried Neville, "Reporters and such?"

"Multiple Eccentric Dysfunctional Irrelevant Annoyances," recited Presea, "Known to arrive on scenes of hush-ups. The Military's main foes. Very dangerous unless handled by a professional."

"So these MEDIA…" said Neville slowly. "They're dangerous?"

"Oh my God!" Hermione cried, "Harry's out there!"

"He'll be fine," said Luna, smiling.

"Why's that?" asked Genis.

"Because they're not interested in him. They're interested in the tank and the tree," replied the girl.

"Look! It's the three in-charge moron-people," said Gaz, pointing across the bunker. "What are they moaning about?"

"Let's go," said Presea, moving forward with her and Luna.

"… damned MEDIA are a nuisance," the man-in-charge said.

"They'll want to know about the tank. Are all the students accounted for?" asked the woman.

"No, we're missing about sixteen," said the third-in-command man, shaking his head dismally. "If the MEDIA get a hold of them, they're as good as dead."

"So what do we do?" asked the man-in-charge. "We have to tell them something. They've seen the tank; they have pictures."

"Blame it on the tank manufacturers," said the woman. "That way we don't get any retribution."

"Who's going to go talk to them?" asked the third-in-command. "We can't let the students do such a thing."

"No. But since you are third-in-command," said the lead man, smiling evilly. "I guess that means you get to."

"Me? I did it last time!" whined third-in-command.

"And you're so good at it we've decided you need to do it more," said the man-in-charge. "Go, and be quick about it."

"Yes, sir," the third-in-command replied.

The girls quickly rejoined the group and informed them of everything they'd heard. Outside, the "blah" and moped sounds were getting louder and more furious, something that seriously bothered the bunker children. With almost two dozen of their classmates out there, they had to wonder if they were even still alive.

**Back Outside…**

"What are we gonna do?" asked Sheena, "Can we fight them?"

"I hope we don't have to. Let's just try to get to the Bunker," replied Lloyd in a quiet voice.

"Right. Move out," Ginny whispered.

They quickly ran along the side of the building. They could hear the blahs overlapping each other in different pitches. A lot of them were flashing as they took pictures and video. Then, Girtrude saw something shiny and her eyes got really wide.

"Oooh… pretty…" she muttered.

"Girtrude, no!" hissed Harry.

"SHINY! I MUST HAVE IT!"

"Blah?"

The MEDIA quickly turned around and froze, staring at the students. They stared blankly for a second, and then barreled down upon the students, blahing at the top of their lungs.

"RUN!" screamed Harry.

They turned and ran, many tripping and falling over each other. They were no match for the mopeds, however, and soon four MEDIA caught up to them, blahing repeatedly.

"It's no good," said Lloyd as they became surrounded, "We'll have to fight."

"But I don't have a weapon," said Dib.

"That's fine. You, Zim, and Colette should make a break for it. The rest of us can hold the fort," replied Harry.

"Irkens do not run from a battle!" Zim hissed.

"Huh?" asked the others, except Dib, who pointed triumphantly.

"Uh… I mean… Fencers… Fencians do not run from a battle!" Zim corrected himself quickly.

"Just what do you plan to use, Zim?" asked Dib.

"BLAH!" shouted a MEDIA.

"Get out of here, now!" Harry cried, "We've got this."

"Right," said Dib, as he, Colette, and Zim took off.

"Okay, here we go…" said Harry, as he faced the MEDIA, ready for combat.

"Are you all alright?" asked Hermione as Colette, Zim, and Dib entered the Bunker.

"What are those other children doing?" asked the man-in-charge when he spied the others preparing for combat.

"Fighting the MEDIA, obviously," said Gaz unkindly.

"_What_? They can't do that!" cried the woman. "It'll be a scandal!"

"You! Get out there and stop them!" snarled the man-in-charge to third-in-command.

"Yeah, yeah," he grumbled, leaving.

"I don't know what those morons think they're doing," the man-in-charge said. "But they are going to need some lessons in respect when we're done here."

"What? You can't do that!" Hermione squealed.

"Oh, but I can, Ms. Granger," said the man, "And I will."

"Demon Fang!" Lloyd shouted, swinging a sword and sending the slash along the ground to the enemies. One of the MEDIA's mopeds was knocked backwards.

"_Impedimenta!_" Harry and Ginny hissed at the same time, sending the jets of light toward the MEDIA. Two others collapsed.

"Water, Giver of Life… show us thy darkest power!" Tak chanted, the mana waving around her. "Aqua Laser!"

Tak's newly learned mid-level spell erupted from her hands and took out six MEDIA at once. The rest, however, had begun to get furious and began to fight back. Their prime attack was flashing their extremely bright camera lights into the faces of their foes, blinding them with cries of pain. Then they began to physically hit them, jabbing their faces with microphones and other recording equipment.

"Don't run!" Zelos said, casting his own spell, "THUNDER BLADE!"

The sword of electricity plummeted into the ground, shocking five more MEDIA into pieces. Finally, one hit Sheena in the face and she got all dark and glowing.

"YOU'RE SO ANNOYING!" she raged.

"Uh-oh," said Zelos, "Sheena's in Over Limit…"

The MEDIA stopped with a single "blah?" Sheena took a stance of focusing, a very powerful, white mana flying around her. Her eyes narrowed and seemed to get more furious as the spell continued. When she spoke, her voice echoed and was much louder.

"I call upon the Disciple of Everlasting Ice!" she shouted, a strange pattern appearing below her. "I summon thee… COME! CELCIUS!"

In front of the remaining MEDIA, Celsius, the Summon Spirit of Ice, appeared. She gave them a small glanced, snorted derisively, and shouted, "IT'S OVER!" Around her, a wave of Ice swept up over the ground, knocking all the remaining MEDIA out of commission. Sheena, her mana halfway depleted, knelt to the ground, breathing heavily.

"That was…" the third-in-command man said, arriving on the scene. "I-I… what was that?"

"Oh, hello," said Ginny with bitterly sarcastic cheer. "Where the hell have you been, and what were those things?"

"What weapons were you all using?" demanded the third-in-command man.

"These are my wooden blades," said Lloyd, proudly showing off the swords. "I think you noticed some of our awesome magical arts as well."

"Magic doesn't exist, boy, quit your Satanic foolishness. But… what sophisticated weaponry…! You will give us full details on your weapons later today," the third-in-command said. "I'll have to speak to my superiors about this…"

"Right," Celsius said, floating above the ground. "Go back to your masters, you little, whipped slave."

"Okay, thank you, Celsius," Sheena said quickly. "You can go."

"Whatever," Celsius said, sticking her tongue out and disappearing.

Back in the Bunker, everyone stared, wide-eyed, at what had just happened. Then, the muttering started. It got louder and louder, until it reached a normal talking pitch. The man and woman-in-charge stared at the area that had just seen such a dramatic battle. They were stunned, and at a loss for words. The rest of the Symphonian, Hogwarts, and "other" groups quickly left the Bunker to talk to their friends, making sure they were okay and everything.

"We're fine," said Harry. "Sheena, that was… amazing!"

"Thanks," said Sheena, nodding. "Although, Celsius' attitude hasn't changed at all."

"What was she?" asked Ron.

"The Summon Spirit of Ice, DUH!" Gaz replied.

"Now, come," said Presea. "They're posting our assignments as we speak."

"Assignments? Awesome!" Sheena replied, looking happy. "I hope I got into Espionage!"

"I want the Air Force," said Lloyd enthusiastically. "Flying planes will be fun!"

"You? The Air Force?" Genis said, eyes bugging slightly. "Lloyd, need I remind you of the Rheiard incident?"

"Hey! I swear, Exire was hidden by a cloud! Anyone could have hit it!" replied Lloyd hotly.

"Right… it's only a floating city of about twenty square miles," said Genis, flatly.

**Wednesday, November. Building A, Cafeteria. 1300 hours.**

"Here they are!" exclaimed Colette skipping ahead of the group. "Told ya we'd find them!"

"Yes, after we got lost six times and ended up in a broom cupboard," replied Hermione in a tired voice. "And I don't even want to begin on that misadventure with the demented Chihuahua. Who got what?"

"Well…" said Colette, reading the list out loud.

**ARMY DIVISIONS (Specialty Classes):**

**Weapon Research: Verminstrasser, and Snape**

Genis

Hermione

**Espionage: Bitters**

Presea

Gaz

**Army: Kratos**

Harry

Zelos

Zim

Iggins

**Navy: Trelawney**

Luna

Dib

Ginny

Ron

**Air Force: Regal**

Colette

Girtrude

Lloyd

**Medical: Raine**

Neville

Tak

Sheena

"What?" Sheena cried. "I applied for Army or Espionage, not Medical!"

"No fair!" whined Hermione. "I'm with Genis."

"I knew it!" Genis shouted. "They're going to use my brain!"

"I'm not with my baby…" Tak muttered sullenly.

"Alright! Air Force!" Lloyd said, gleefully.

"Oh Jesus…" Ron muttered. "Why did I get stuck in the Navy…?"

"Cool! I can be a pirate again!" Luna said enthusiastically.

"Well… I guess sailing is kinda fun…" Ginny muttered. "I'd still prefer to be on the front lines…"

"This is going to be so much _work_," groaned Zelos.

"VICTORY FOR ZIM!" Zim shouted gleefully.

"How did Lloyd get Air Force and me the Army?" Harry mused aloud.

"Girtrude! We get to learn to fly!" squealed Colette.

"Yay! PUDDIN'!" Girtrude exclaimed with an equal amount of glee.

"Whew," Neville said in a relieved tone. "I get to avoid physical activity. Yes."

"Espionage… do I get to hurt things?" Gaz asked.

"Negative," Presea replied with no emotion.

"No fair!" screamed Gaz.

"But… I don't want to be in the Navy… I want to be in Espionage," Dib sighed.

"YES!" Iggins said hysterically. "This is just like on Armed Forces Honor Medal Day 6 when you get to be in the Army and do training and stuff and… WOW!"

"I want to be in the Army!" Sheena reiterated angrily.

"A female on the front lines?" the man-in-charge said from behind them (having snuck up randomly). "Ha! Females don't have the emotional stability to do such a thing!"

"You know," said Sheena acidly. "Our bodies are better suited for combat than yours, so watch what you say."

"Is that a threat, Miss Fukomishi?" hissed third-in-command man.

"Of course not. And it's Fujibayashi," Sheena replied.

"I noticed you had a slight panic attack when the MEDIA showed up the first time," pointed out Ginny.

"Silence!" the man-in-charge hissed. "You're still too juvenile to even grasp the horror of the MEDIA."

"Whatever. Look, I just want to be changed to the Army as well. I feel—" Ginny began.

"MY WORD IS FINAL!" the man-in-charge shouted, abruptly losing his cool. "ANY ATTEMPTS TO CHANGE WILL RESULT IN YOUR COURT MARTIALING!"

Everyone shut up at this point. They quickly dispersed to their various classes. Sheena shot one last angry glance back at the man before trudging after Neville to Medical training. The students spent the entire afternoon learning their various sections of the Military, something that was rather boring for some, difficult for others, and actually vaguely interesting for the rest.

**Wednesday, November. Various classes. The afternoon.**

**Research and Weapons:**

Genis and Hermione were among only twelve students to arrive in the Weapons Research classroom. In front of them, Professor Snape and Countess von Verminstrasser stood, at attention and ready to go. Snape sported a new uniform, one that he seemed to think it made him look more official. In reality, it made him look like more of a flamer.

"You are here," squawked Verminstrasser as the bell rang, "To learn to develop Weapons for the Military. Think of it as a… Chemistry class."

"Ma'am," said Hermione, hand in the air, "Isn't it a little dangerous to trust teenagers with developing dangerous weapons?"

"TEN POINTS FROM TYPHOID FOR A POINTLESS INTERRUPTION!" Snape roared. "My God, it feels so good to be able to do that again."

"As I was saying," said Verminstrasser, ignoring Snape's outburst. "You will be set to a certain task each day. Some days it'll be guns or tanks, another day it may be fighter jets and bombers, and some days it may be the bombs themselves."

"You will use caution in this room," Snape said, coolly. "For even Professor Sage's Healing Arts have their limits, and with the Military present, magic of any type is forbidden."

"Forbidden?" Genis cried. "Why?"

"Ten more points from Typhoid for not using common sense," said Snape flatly. "Obviously, Mr. Sage, if the Military notices our powers, they will study us and try and learn how we are able to accomplish goals via magic. But they will not accept magic as a theory. Do you know what they will put you through?"

"Aye, Sir," said Genis quietly.

"I'm glad we have an understanding," said Snape. "Now, START READING!"

"Reading?" asked a student. "We have to read?"

"Yes," Verminstrasser's voice cracked through the air. "You can't expect to improve weapons if you don't know how they work, right?"

"No, ma'am," muttered everyone, opening the nearest books and beginning to read.

**Army**

"Well," said Kratos, standing before the all-male students before him. "It seems you have all been assigned to the Army division. You should feel honored, not many get assigned here."

Harry and Zelos glanced behind themselves. About a third of the boys from the entire school were there, including Zim and Iggins. They both glanced back to Kratos, who was outlining their drills and the obstacle course that they were going to have to run shortly. The boys sighed, knowing this was not going to be a fun or easy afternoon.

"Now!" Kratos shouted. "I want to see some hustle in all of you! You're young men, this should not be a challenge for you! GO!"

They all took off running. Iggins made it to the tire section first, but then passed out halfway through. The rest of the boys trampled over him, continuing to the rope wall. Up and over that, and then it was past a perilous bit of barbed wire, over a pit of dirty, muddy water, and over and under some logs and other obstructions. Zim could not, for the life of him, figure out why humans would put themselves through this torture. How could it possibly benefit them physically?

"Sir," Zim gasped, going at a crawl across the ground. "This is stupid and pointless. How do—"  
"Faster!" Kratos shouted, blowing his whistle again, "You will run! Harder! Harder! NOW DROP AND GIVE ME FIFTY!"

"He's enjoying this far too much…" muttered Harry as he and Zelos did push-ups. Zelos merely grunted and collapsed, clutching his side.

Kratos stood over his fallen students. They lay in the grass, panting, clutching various body parts, and looking miserable. Many had dehydrated themselves and were inches from death. Kratos sighed and shook his head.

"Pathetic."

**Navy**

"Welcome to the Navy!" Professor Trelawney shouted happily, opening her arms wide to the three dozen students she was taking aboard. "Today we shall start your new adventure on the Seven Seas, sailing from port to port, living on your own wits, and going swimming with sharks."

"This is mental," Ron muttered sullenly. "This is going to be the death of me."

"Now, does anyone here know anything about sailing?" asked Professor Trelawney.

A few people raised their hands, Luna and Ginny included. Ron eyed his sister warily, but she declined to explain how she'd learned. Dib sighed, looking forlornly at the building where the Espionage students were supposed to meet.

"Good!" Trelawney cried happily. "Because I haven't the foggiest idea, and they said they only stuck me here because I was less likely to cause world-wide genocide at sea than I was on land with the truly dangerous weapons!"

"Er…" said Dib. "You don't know how to sail a ship?"

"No, but it can't be that hard!" said their crazy Professor walking to the bridge. "Now, where's the ignition?"

"I'll help you find it!" said Luna brightly, rushing up the stairs.

"I think I'll go help them," said Ginny, looking more than a little alarmed. "Later, guys."

"So what do we do?" asked Ron. "Stand here or get off the ship?"

"I vote for getting off the ship," said Dib. "However, I do think—"

"FULL SPEED AHEAD!" shouted Professor Trelawney.

The ship suddenly shot forward, knocking both Dib and Ron to the ground. They stood up as the ship raced across the sea, rocking back and forth enough to make people lose their footing. The seas were relatively calm, though they'd occasionally hit a wave in such a way that water would cascade over the bow like a reversed waterfall. As the two boys held on for dear life, they could hear the girls in the Bridge singing "In the Navy" at the top of their lungs.

**Air Force**

"Welcome to the Air Force," said Regal, sporting brand-new pilot attire. His students stood before him, each itching to get into a plane. Regal noticed Colette and Lloyd and suddenly it looked as though his day had just ended. "Um… well… shall we begin?"

"I wanna fly a plane," whined Girtrude.

"I see. Which one?" asked Regal, kindly.

"Um… that one!" said the robot-girl, pointing to one of the larger transport jets.

"Ah, the SABBIE Super Transporter. A very nice plane, one designed to carry various—"

"I LUST FOR THEE, MY SABBIE!" Girtrude squealed, rushing to the plane.

"Uh, Girtrude…" Regal began. "I don't think—"

The small one disappeared into the cockpit, shattering the glass. Her maniacal laughter could be heard as she started the engines, and quickly took off, knocking down a tree as she did so. They could hear her laughing until the plane disappeared into the overcast sky.

"Um… right. So, for the rest of you, choose a plane and we'll… attempt… to get off the ground…" said Regal.

"Don't we have to go through any training?" asked Lloyd.

"Master Computer will guide you all through the processes," said Regal, leaping into a small fighter jet of his own. "I'll see you in the skies."

He took off quickly as well. Lloyd and Colette glanced to each other, shrugged, and climbed into a two-person plane. It only took about three minutes for Master Computer to explain to them how to get to the runway and into the air. Within a few seconds, they were flying.

"I'll take the controls, okay?" Colette suggested happily.

"Uh, Colette, I don't think…" Lloyd began.

"Yay!" she squealed, pushing forward on the control stick. The plane dropped almost three hundred feet, causing Lloyd to scream blue murder.

**Espionage**

"Espionage," said Ms. Bitters, pacing in front of her six students, "Is not a course to be taken lightly. It is difficult, dangerous, very covert, and has a high mortality rate."

"Ms. Bitters," began a student, "Why is it so dangerous?"

"Because you're going into enemy territory and retrieving information, DUH!" hissed Gaz.

"I wonder why Sheena is not in this course," said Presea, "She has had plenty of practice with Mizuho…"

"SILENCE!" Ms. Bitters snarled, "Now, we must begin. With Espionage, you need your weapons…"

Gaz's eyes lit up as she spied the many guns, knives, and other weapons concealed in Ms. Bitters' desk. She lovingly picked up a grappling gun and a small pea-shooter, while Presea resolutely stood by her ax. Gaz glanced around and looked to her teacher.

"Can I incorporate this into my game?" asked the girl, "Maybe for Technology Appreciation?"

Ms. Bitters nodded. Gaz broke into a wide grin and quickly moved to a back table, sweeping everything off of it. With Presea helping her, she spent her entire class period converting her GS2 into a special all-purpose weapon, complete with guns, lasers, tasers, a missile pod, and a few other enjoyable tools of the trade.

"I call it," she said, smirking, "The GameSlave Advanced."

**Medical**

"Well, students, I'm pleased to see you all are here to learn Medical techniques," Raine said, smiling forlornly to her students. Though she had one of the larger groups, many of the mostly-female class didn't want to be there. Even Raine seemed hesitant.

"Please, Professor Sage," said Tak earnestly. "Why are you so sad?"

"Because I cannot use my Healing Arts. We have to do this the long way," said Raine, sighing, "And it's a pain to lecture on that when we have lots of sharp, metal objects on which to hurt yourself."

"Professor, will there be a lot of homework?" asked Neville.

"Of course," said Raine, looking at him as though he were insane. "Did you expect anything less?"

"No, ma'am," said Neville, flatly.

"However, when you leave here, you will understand more about the body and its processes than ever before. If there is anything I can help you with, anything you need answered, just let me know and I will give you all the information on the subject that I can," Raine replied, quickly.

"What are we going to do first?" asked Sheena.

"Well, you will read. You must understand about the body and all its functions before we can start dissections," Raine replied.

"Dissections?" Neville almost shouted, looking pale and sweaty.

"Yes, dissections. Don't worry, Neville, we're not using real humans. Only Medical Students can get away with that. You will be using mannequins for this class, with realistic organs and blood and bone tissue," Raine assured him.

"Aye, ma'am," said Neville, still looking unconvinced.

"Now then…" said Raine, "Open these textpackets to page sixty-five and begin to read about the body. Time is short and I want to be able to test you on all this stuff tomorrow…"

**Later…**

At the end of the day, the students met back in the cafeteria. Those in the Army were extremely sore. Those in the Navy were bashing their heads to the side to get the water out. Those in the Air Force were still "flying" with light headedness. The students from Medical and Weapon research all sported massive migraines from the information they were required to memorize. Only those in Espionage seemed to remotely enjoy being alive that night, having learned the basics to sneaking around. This schedule repeated itself for two weeks, and, slowly, the students of Whitestone grew to accept their new lives and schedules. Even if they weren't happy with it.

**Next Friday, November. Whitestone Campus. 2048 hours**.

The Military heads called a meeting of all students the second Friday after their arrival. Those who were not in the Hospital Ward from various combat mishaps were gathered amongst the large platform that had been erected in the center of the campus. Everyone had been instructed to bring all their possessions with them and head straight to the platform to await instructions. They stood, many in pain, and the man-in-charge finally arrived.

"Your possessions will now be placed into our safe," he said, "Which will be hidden away, far from where you can find them."

"What?" came the uproar. "Why?"  
"We feel that these petty possessions cause distractions and take away from your Military Learning Experience. In short, they're hindering your performance and must be cut," the woman-in-2nd-command said.

"That wasn't any shorter than the first time," Genis pointed out haughtily.

"Be that as it may," the man-in-charge said. "You will now be required to place all your possessions into the safe. Do this now."

"This is retarded," said Harry, "I want to keep my broom."

"Poor Sanchez… he doesn't get to keep his switchblade…" Girtrude sniffled, handing it to a soldier. Sanchez swam around his bowl furiously, glaring murder at anyone who met his eyes.

"I can't believe this," sighed Hermione, handing over armful after armful of books. "I'm going to die."

"I knew it," Zelos hissed. "They're turning us into robots."

"They're trying to suck out our souls," said Zim. "Through bendy-straws!"

"Zelos," Tak whispered. "We have to do something."

"Yes… we do…" muttered Zelos. "What I'm not sure."

"We'll have a meeting. Tonight. Iko Iko will put a stop to this," she muttered.

**Friday, November. Iko Iko Lounge. 0100 hours.**

That night, the students of Iko Iko met in their Lounge to discuss their future plans. Zelos, Tak, Sheena, and Ginny were the ones at the forefront of this mini-rebellion, and it was going to be a dangerous uprising at that. The Military leaders were under a lot of pressure, and when they were under pressure, they made bad decisions.

"They are segregating the girls from the boys," said Tak angrily. "They won't let girls join the Army, they take away our stuff, and they try to take away our souls. This can NOT happen."

"Here here!" one called from the back of the room.

"They wouldn't let us join the actual Armed forces because we're girls. I know many of you, as well as many of the girls from Fence, were desperate to get into the Army, Navy, or Air Force. But they said no. Is this fair?" Ginny called.

"No it's not!" chanted the others.

"Therefore, I feel we should start an uprising. Tomorrow. We'll hit hard in three places. The morning attack will be taken by Sheena, Tak and I will get the afternoon one, and Ginny will finish off at night. With luck, we'll bring the Military to its knees," Zelos shouted.

"What do we have to do?" asked a brave boy from the middle.

"Here's the plan," said Zelos, beginning to outline everything. It took almost half an hour, and they were sure that everyone had understood their plans. Sheena would start in the morning by leading a peaceful protest. This would put the Military on alert. Then Zelos and Tak would continue in the afternoon by leading another peaceful protest, an unauthorized mass Army jog around the interior of Whitestone. Ginny would finish the night off with a huge magical fireworks display designed to terrify the Military leaders into stopping their tyrannical death grip over the students.

However, there was one fatal flaw. The next morning, Ginny awoke. She rolled over and glanced at her alarm clock. 0530 hours. Right on schedule. She turned over to wake Sheena up, but she gasped. Sheena's entire side of the room had been torn to pieces, and it was obvious that a struggle had taken place. Worse, Sheena was nowhere to be found.

**Meanwhile, in the Fence Dorms…**

Zim sat inside the Lounge, his head hurting. The Army training on Earth was nothing like that on his home planet. It was needless, mindless destruction of body and mind. Zim sighed and laid back in his chair, a feeling of despair rushing over him. He only sat still for a few minutes, however, before the ceiling tile above him shuddered and fell onto his face.

"Sorry, Zim," came a familiar voice.

Zim glanced up and saw Luna hanging from the ceiling, Gaz and Presea on either side of her. They each had a handful of chips, chocolate bars, and various other junk foods.

"YOU! Human! What are you doing here?" Zim demanded, his head in even more pain now.

"We're helping you, DUH!" Gaz said.

"Luna told us about your plan to have the Almighty Tallest respect you more," Presea said, "And being in Espionage has granted us access to a certain section of Whitestone that can easily send your thanks to the Tallest."

"What? You humans want to help me?" Zim gasped.

"Of course," said Luna happily, "We are friends, after all."

"… I… see…" said Zim, "Alright. I'll accompany you."

"Come on, the rockets await," said Luna happily.

"Rockets?" Zim asked, climbing into the ceiling with them, "What rockets?"

"The ones that have the ability to reach the Massive in its current location," Presea said as they crawled along the ventilation system.

"Oh," said Zim, "I was not aware you possessed the capabilities to send it that far."

"We don't. But add in magic and Presea's ax-swinging power… we certainly do," said Luna.

"Quiet. I hear something," Gaz said.

"As do I," said Presea, "Voices. Possibly of the Military's commanders."

"You go check that out," said Luna, coming to a fork in the ventilation, "Zim and I will go to the rockets."

"Alright," said Presea. "Good luck."

"Same to you, humans," said Zim.

"Now," said Gaz. "Where are these hideous voices?"

**Saturday, November. 0250 hours. Some hidden Room.**

The man-in-charge stood before his two partners. They were standing over a map of Whitestone, one that showed future plans for an even bigger base with plenty of slave labor to run it. They had big changes in store for Whitestone, many of which had already taken place.

"Once we can accept their souls," said the man-in-charge. "They will have nothing left to defend against us."

"But we still have to take into consideration that one girl," said the third-in-command man. "She is a danger to us."

"No, she's not," said the woman-in-2nd-command, a smirk playing across her face. "In fact, she'll soon not even be at Whitestone."

"Why do you say that?" asked the third-in-command.

"We have her held in Solitary Confinement until she can be safely shipped out," said the second-in-command. "There's no way anyone can get to her."

"What about these rumors we have received of a rebellion?" asked the man-in-charge.

"Iggins claims that the Iko Iko students are going to have some sort of rebellion. However, he also said that Sheena was the leader, which means that the rebellion may not even begin," third-in-command said, quickly.

"Excellent. Our plans to suck out the souls of these students are going as planned. Do we have any near the breaking point?" asked the man-in-charge.

"None yet," said the second-in-command, "But we're closing in on a few, especially that Colette girl and Dib. Hermione Granger and Genis Sage may be smart, but their mental defenses are weak. We'll get them shortly as well."

"This is too easy. And nothing can stop us now," said the man-in-charge, leading the normal maniacal laughter all bad guys have when their plans are a success.

However, there was one thing the leaders of the Military didn't account for. Two pairs of eyes watched them from a hole in the ceiling tile. Both were narrowed with fury, and they were gone as instantly as they had come.

**Saturday, November. 0700 hours. Iko Iko Dorms.**

"What are we going to do?" wailed Tak, "We can't go through with our first set of rebellion tricks; Sheena's not here to lead."

"But we can do the next two sets," said Ginny, "Maybe it'll have more of an impression."

"But how do we know where Sheena is, and do we know whose next?" asked Zelos.

"Well, obviously," came a snotty voice from above them, "The Military has gotten her."

"Celsius? Where have you been?" asked Ginny, "And what do you mean?"

"She got kidnapped at about 2:30 this morning," replied Celsius, "I thought you all realized that."

"No, we didn't," said Ginny angrily. "Thanks for telling us right away though. Appreciated, really. Where is she?"

"Hell if I know," Celsius shot back, "I was ordered to stay behind and tell you what happened."

"So we don't know where Sheena is. Therefore, we can't bust her out," said Zelos.

"We know where she is," said Presea as she and Gaz walked in.

"How'd you get in here?" asked Tak. "This is only for Iko Iko students."

"Staff entrance," the girls replied at the same time.

"Oh," said Tak, shrugging.

"Anyway, we have information on Sheena's whereabouts, as well as other information you all might like to hear," Presea continued. "Now… we would be happy to divulge this information, but we have to be paid accordingly."

"Why?" asked Zelos, "What will happen if we aren't?"

"The universe will not be at a balance, and someone will get hurt," said Gaz. "Possibly your soul."

"Alright, how much do you want?" asked Zelos.

"No. Money means nothing. We need something more," said Presea.

"What do you want, then?" asked Ginny, becoming irritated at the stalling.

"We'll decide on a price later," said Presea. "Now… here's what you need to know."

**Saturday, November. Secret, Underground Missile Silo.**

"Well, here we are," said Luna, leaping out of the ventilation system and dropping to the floor, "Come on, Zim!"

Zim followed her out, landing on a bunch of marshmallows. He looked around and gasped. The area they were in had about two dozen long-ranged missiles. Plenty of wires connected each missile, and a small console stood before the whole artillery. It was a beautiful sight to the Invader, who had seen no such wonders in the realm of large machinery since leaving his lab. Luna picked up many of the snacks and walked over to the console.

"STATE YOUR NAME, INTRUDER!" Master Computer shouted as Luna activated the console.

"Luna Lovegood and Zim. We're here to borrow some rockets," said Luna while Zim stood behind her.

"Oh. Okay. As you were," said the Master Computer's voice, shutting off momentarily.

"Okay, Luna, you got us here. What's next?" asked Zim.

"Well," said Luna. "We're going to need to input the codes and data for the Massive, which I am sure you know."

"I do," said Zim. "The coordinates are 382828282.88882 by 18256893.290283 and a half."

"That would put them near Aquiian, correct?" asked Luna, while she allowed Zim to punch in the numbers. "Daddy said that planet can have severely adverse effects on the Earth when it—"

"Yes, yes, it's a galactic control point," said Zim. "The Irken Empire must control it."

"It's so pretty. And covered in water," said Luna, smiling dreamily at the ceiling.

"There," said Zim. "Codes locked. What's next?"

"Next we have to attach the snacks to the rockets and input the correct launch sequence codes. And also fix the rockets so they have Presea's power and the magic we know inside of them."

"You are sure this will work?" Zim asked tentatively. "We're risking extreme retribution if this mission fails."

"Yes," said Luna. "But that's alright, nothing can go wrong."

**Saturday, November. 1323 hours. Whitestone Training Academy.**

By twenty after one, all the students were in their respective specialized training classes. In Weapons Research, Snape and Verminstrasser kept close watch over the dozen students under their jurisdiction, while Hermione and Genis snuck glances out the window. In the Navy, Trelawney was rocketing around the large lake in a boat while Ron hid himself below decks due to seasickness. In the Air Force, they were all doing fun, aerial combat drills, which resulted in Girtrude slamming into another tree and knocking it down. Raine continued to lecture her students in the Medical section, which was bizarrely empty. The Espionage students, as well as Ms. Bitters, were all on a practical training lesson.

The Army, most of it anyway, was beyond their laps and had moved on to more advanced exercises. Like Medical, Kratos noticed that many of his students were missing.

Standing in the shadows of Building C, nearly forty students stood, waiting. The signal would come when the music started, something they had sent Gaz and Presea to accomplish (for even more of a profit for them, of course). They knew this may be their last few minutes of freedom, but they intended to use them well, and to try and send a message to their leaders. They had even called in a secret weapon; one that they hoped would sway the Military further.

Then, they heard it. Over the loud speakers, it sounded rather quiet, but it got louder as Presea adjusted the volume. The song "Soldier Soldier," one made by Captain Jack began to blare over the radio, though without the words. At the first beat, the two parallel lines of students began their lap around the school, holding flags made from training shirts that had various "Free Whitestone" and "Equal Rights" messages.

"Soldier, Soldier don't look down. I'm here for you in every town," the girls all chanted as they fell into step and began to lap the inner part of the campus, "Soldier, Soldier, don't look down. I'm here for you in every town."

"What's going on?" asked Harry, glancing back from the rest of the Army students. "What are they doing?"

"Beats me," said Iggins, though he looked nervous.

"I'm sure," said Harry, flatly.

Meanwhile, the protest went into the first verse. Tak and Zelos, at the head of each line, became the main voices. When the girls were supposed to chant, Tak said it first. Then the rest of the girls echoed her. When it was the guys' turn, it was Zelos that sang first, and the guys chanted back.

"Momma told Mary not to go downtown!" Tak called.

"_Momma told Mary not to go downtown!"_ chanted the nine other girls.

"Too many lover boys hangin' around!" Tak chanted.

"_Too many lover boys hangin' around!_" the girls echoed.

"Mary didn't listen, she went anyway!"

"_Mary didn't listen, she went anyway!_"

"What's going on out there?" asked Raine as she left the mannequin on the table and ran to the window. Her students crowded around her, some covered in fake "blood" and some still holding various sharp, pointy objects.

"Then she met a boy who took her away!"

"_Then she met a boy who took her away!"_

"_Soldier, soldier don't look down,_" they sang together, _"I'm here for you in every town…"_

"I don't believe this!" gasped Neville, "They're really doing it! Just like Iggins said!"

"Solider, Soldier, don't look down!" Zelos commanded loudly.

"_Soldier, Soldier, don't look down!" _the other guys repeated.

"There's no six-pack on the ground!" Zelos said.

"_There's no six-pack on the ground!_" came the return call.

"Soldier, Soldier, don't look up!"

"_Soldier, Soldier, don't look up!"_

"There's no whore gonna pick you up!"

_"There's no whore gonna pick you up!"_

"Do you hear something?" Ron asked Dib as the two of them stood on the deck of the large ship.

"I do… it sounds like singing," said Dib.

"Momma is worried and she gets real loud!" Tak shouted, going into another female verse.

"_Momma is worried and she gets read loud!"_

"'Cause soldiers are a dirty crowd!"

_"'Cause soldiers are a dirty crowd!"_

"ALL PERSONS TO STATIONS!" Trelawney shouted, "HARD-A-STARBOARD!"

"Bloody hell," Ron muttered as they did a sharp 180 degree turn and headed back towards the shore.

"Don't be mad, I love him so!"

"_Don't be mad I love him so!_"

"It's my life and I have to go!"

"_It' s my life and I have to go!"_

"_Soldier, soldier don't look down_. _I'm here for you in every town…"_

"Look at that!" said Genis, rushing to the window.

"What are you doing?" asked Hermione, looking up from her book. "If we don't study for this next test, we'll—"

"What is this foolishness?" asked Snape, sweeping to the window and knocking various students out of the way. "I see. A revolution, eh?"

"Solider, Soldier, don't look down!" Zelos shouted with the male chorus.

"_Soldier, Soldier, don't look down!"_

"There's no six-pack on the ground!"

"_There's no six-pack on the ground!_"

"A revolution?" squawked Countess von Verminstrasser, "Well, we can't let that happen now, can we? I'll alert the higher powers at once—"

A dart shot out of the wall and hit her squarely in the back, causing her to fall to the ground. The rest of the students and Snape, all staring out the window, didn't notice or bother to help.

"Soldier, Soldier, don't look up!"

"_Soldier, Soldier, don't look up!"_

"There's no whore gonna pick you up!"

_"There's no whore gonna pick you up!"_

"Sir, we have a Code 18488," said second-in-command to her boss.

"A student revolt?" asked the man-in-charge, shocked. "So… that Iggins boy was right. Well, we will award his army fifty credits for this find. And we will have to stop this uprising at once."

"Three months later all was well," Tak called out.

"_Three months later all was well_."

"In my dreams I hear the wedding bells, ding-dong-ding!"

_"In my dreams I hear the wedding bells, ding-dong-ding!"_

"Your orders, Sir?" asked third-in-command man.

"Stop them using whatever means necessary," replied the man-in-charge.

"Six months later all was done!"

"_Six months later all was done!"_

They began to sing together again, "_We had our little son, we are having fun. Momma don't think twice, Soldiers can be nice!_"

Sheena sat up in her cell. She had been taken away that morning to solitary confinement. Though she'd put Celsius behind to give the message away, she wasn't sure if it had actually worked. When she heard the chanting, she smiled to herself. Her capture hadn't stopped the rebellion.

Suddenly, a ceiling tile fell from overhead. Presea dangled down from the roof from a bungee rope.

"Presea!" Sheena cried.

"I've been requested by Zelos to give you this. It's your instructions," said Presea, "Good day."

With that, she retracted into the roof and fixed the ceiling tile. Bewildered, Sheena opened the list of instructions. Zelos basically told her to keep an eye out for Ginny, who would be busting down the doors to get her out. When she was done, she was to summon the one person that would terrify the Military away, based on the rest of the day's work.

"Well, alright," said Sheena, "I wonder how long—"

**BOOOOOOOOOM!**

The door blew open and Ginny stood there, dusting herself off. It was obvious she'd been busy; lots of knocked-out soldiers littered the hallway. Her mastery of Symphonian magic, or at least the fire type, had served her well.

"Hey, Sheena," said Ginny happily, walking in to the area. "I assume you're ready to leave this hell hole?"

"Damn straight," Sheena replied, getting up and leaving with Ginny. "Now, I'm going to need your help. First, though, I have some Summoning to do…"

"Solider, Soldier, don't look down!" chanted Zelos, leading them into the final chorus.

"_Soldier, Soldier, don't look down!"_

"There's no six-pack on the ground!"

"_There's no six-pack on the ground!_"

"Soldier, Soldier, don't look up!"

"_Soldier, Soldier, don't look up!"_

"There's no whore gonna pick you up!"

_"There's no whore gonna pick you up!"_

As many of the other students began to come out to watch the progress of the rebellion, they finished their chant, and began to slow down their run. Suddenly, a rife cracked through the air, and the protesting students screamed and threw themselves to the floor.

"ALRIGHT!" shouted the man-in-charge. "I want all of those responsible to be caught and dealt with in the harshest manner! And fifty points to Fence!"

"Why?" asked a furious Tak.

"For giving us information on your little 'rebellion,'" said the man-in-charge, grinning evilly.

"Alright, who's the sneak?" asked Zelos, eyes flashing.

Iggins trembled next to Harry. He glanced at the boy and rolled his eyes. It was so obvious that Harry didn't even feel like telling the others. Instead, he watched as the Military members closed in on the Iko Iko students, weapons raised. The students pushed back as best they could, but soon realized they were overpowered.

"Throw them in the holding cells until we can properly fix this mess!" shouted the man-in-charge.

"You can't do that!" shouted Tak. "My father will sue!"

"Your father will never find you," said the second-in-command woman, grinning evilly. "You all will have perished in a tragic helicopter accident. Which is perfect because we have some tests we need to put you through, mainly due to those strange weapons you have."

"Which is where that other girl is," added third-in-command dude.

"Sheena? Let her go!" shouted Lloyd, who had just crashed down from the Air Force with the others.

"Why would we do that? She has power beyond anything we've ever seen, and we intend to make good use of it," said the man-in-charge. "And as for you—"

He was cut off when the ground began to shake. It was as though another earthquake was shaking up the school, though it was soon obvious what the case was. The ground began to open up near the center of the campus, causing many people to spring away from the area. As it opened, they could see dozens of rockets sitting in the ground, each with a red top and a white body.

"Commencing launch," came Master Computer's voice, "In five…"

"What's going on?" roared the man-in-charge.

"Four…"

"Who did this?" the second-in-command woman wailed.

"Three…"

"Who could have done that?" screeched the third-in-command.

"Two…"

"Excuse me," said Luna, appearing out of nowhere. "Can you sign this?"

"One…"  
"Yes, yes, but what…?" the man-in-charge said, wondering what was going on and absently signing the book Luna held out for him.

"LAUNCHING!" the voice shouted.

All of the rockets immediately began to glow and take-off. Six went out without any trouble, flying straight into the sky and out of sight in minutes. However, rocket number seven got knocked off course for no apparent reason and instead changed course, heading straight for Building C. Anyone near it jumped out of the way as the rocket impacted, blowing the building to bits. Complete chaos erupted on the grounds as all the students ran one way, then another, dodging debris and each other.

The Iko Iko students tried to make an escape in the pandemonium. As the burning wreckage fell around them, Zelos was caught by the man-in-charge, Tak was caught by the woman-in-second-command, and the third-in-command somehow stopped three others.

"You will pay for this," hissed the man-in-charge. "Breaking daily and marching protocol is one thing; bombing a central military intelligence building is quite another!"

"We didn't do that!" Zelos cried. "We're not smart enough!"

"Speak for yourself, darling," cried Tak through a chokehold.

"Then who did it?" roared the woman.

"I did," said Luna, as she flipped through the pages in her book. "Me and Zim. He wanted to send some food to his friends."

"What? Do you realize what this means? The C.I.A. will be here any minute!" shouted the man-in-charge.

"Oh yeah… I forgot about that," said Luna, frowning. "I'm not supposed to play with missiles until I get promoted."

"Oh, you're in big trouble, missy!" hissed the man-in-charge.

"I don't think she is," came a new voice.

This time, it was Sheena. She emerged from the rubble, her clothing a little burnt, some black splotches on her face. Behind her came a dozen figures, each bigger and shinier than the next. Sheena wore a triumphant smile on her face as she and the mystery figures made their way across the rubble, easily dodging the panicked students.

"Who are you?" asked the third-in-command, looking to the figures behind Sheena.

"Our names are not important," said a devilish-looking figure. "What is important is that you respect us… as the Summon Spirits of our world."

"Impossible!" cried the man-in-charge, "You can't exist!"

"You are blinded," said a second, echoing voice, the blue figure of a mermaid floating forward. "But this Summoner brought us forth to right a terrible wrong you have placed on these victims. The time has come for you to pay."

"I'm gone!" shrieked the terrified second-in-command, running away as fast as her heels would carry her.

"If you think I'm going to be intimidated by holograms of a mythical beasts, you've got another—" the man-in-charge began.

A big ball of electricity silently floated forward and sent a bolt of electricity right into the man-in-charge, knocking him to the ground. The other summon spirits began to move forward, too, but the man-in-charge got up, backed up, tripped over the third-in-command, and both of them fell. Then stood up again.

"You can't take both of us!" the man-in-charge shouted, looking as though he'd snapped.

"Blah," said someone.

"What'd you say?" asked the man-in-charge.

"We said nothing, fool," said Celsius, "You hearing things now?"

"Blah blah blah!"

"Oh no!" the third-in-command shouted, "It can't be…"

"Oh, but it is," said Tak with a smirk, "We took the liberty of getting in touch with them so they could show the world what you've done."

"No! You didn't… you called… the MEDIA?" shouted the man-in-charge.

"Yep," said Ginny, brightly, "Every MEDIA in the world should be heading for this area as we speak."

"Okay, now I'm gone!" the third-in-command said.

"Wait for me!" the man-in-charge shouted, running after him.

"BILLAAAY!" Girtrude called, chasing after them, "DON'T FORGET YOUR SANDWHICHES!"

As they left, the first of the MEDIA arrived. Half stayed behind to photograph the wreckage of Whitestone, the other half took off after the Military. Many of the soldiers deserted, following their leaders. Almost all of the students stayed behind. Many were suffering from shock and mental breakdowns. Having no one telling them what to do caused them to exist without a purpose.

"Well, that was interesting," said Harry, "I'm glad no one got hurt, though."

"What gave you the idea of summoning all the spirits at once?" asked Tak.

"Your boyfriend did," said Sheena as the Summon Spirits hovered around, getting photographed by the MEDIA as well.

"So now that the MEDIA are here… is it safe?" asked Dib.

"Of course! The Military has an irrational fear of the MEDIA, one caused by their inability to own up for mistakes," said Tak.

"But what about those missiles?" asked Lloyd.

"I told you, we sent snacks to Zim's friends," said Luna, her eye twitching. "Why doesn't anyone ever listen to me?"

"So these MEDIA are really harmless? You're sure…?" Hermione asked, tentatively approaching one.

"They wouldn't hurt a fly," said Sheena, scratching one under the chin.

The sound of a helicopter reached their ears. Everyone stopped what they were doing and looked up, even the MEDIA. Slowly, three gigantic, black helicopters appeared from the sky. Rope ladders dropped and dangled below as dozens of people dressed in black arrived, each muttering into earpieces.

One, the largest of the bunch, glanced around to the messed-up campus and the destroyed building. He took in the students, the MEDIA, the summon spirits, and the general unease. He talked for a few minutes to his co-workers, each looking more grave than the next. Finally, he addressed the assembled students as a whole.

"WHO DID THIS?" he commanded, "WHO CAUSED THIS MASSIVE EXPLOSION WITH A DANGEROUS WEAPON?"

"She did," said the man-in-charge, suddenly reappearing from behind the building. A couple MEDIA turned their attention on him, but nobody moved. He wore a triumphant smirk as he shoved Luna ahead of him. "She's the one."

"Luna Lovegood?" asked the man from the CIA, looking angry once more, "Are you not aware of Protocol 2843543, Section 2029A?"

"Yes," said Luna, respectfully. "It states that those in lower rank of the CIA may not handle missile weapons, and those who do shall be punished under Section 342 of the CIA Judiciary System."

"And that means immediate dismissal from the CIA," said the CIA man.

"No fair! She was only trying to help a student in need!" cried Colette.

"I'm sorry," said the CIA man, frowning and ignoring the complaints of other students. "But the rules are set in stone. Ms. Lovegood, do you have anything to say to this?"

"I do," said Luna, fishing around in her bag. "I know I left it in here somewhere… oh! Got it. I completed the Little Black Book."

"What? What does that have to do with anything?" the man-in-charge asked, releasing Luna.

"Indeed you have," said the CIA man. "Well, this trumps you earlier disciplinary action. You have been promoted, Luna, and you get a gift card for an ice cream sundae for life. And you are now authorized to handle missiles and other WMDs."

"Goodie-good!" Luna said enthusiastically. "I can't wait to get promoted again!"

"Good luck, Agent Lovegood!" the CIA man said, saluting her. She returned the salute and skipped away to show Gaz and Presea her cool coupon.

"And as for you," said the CIA man to the man-in-charge. "I'll let the MEDIA deal with you."

"NO!" the man-in-charge wailed, running away as quickly as he could, pursued by 16 more MEDIA.

"And by the way, Iggins is the Snitch," said the CIA man, while he and the rest of the CIA leapt into their helicopters and flew away.

"Well, now that that's over…" Gaz said. "Who feels like lynching Iggins?"

"Allow me," said Sheena, eyes blazing, "I summon thee! EFREET, LUNA, SHADOW, VOLT, MAXWELL, ORIGIN, SYLPH, GNOME, CELSIUS, UNDINE! Let's take our revenge."

"Nooooo!" Iggins wailed, running away as Sheena and the ten Summon Spirits ran off into the sunset.

"Well, now that we're finished with that… I think we have one more little thing to give back," said Raine, dusting her hands off. "Presea, Gaz, if you will…"

"We found your souls and your stuff," said Gaz, "Hurry up and get it."  
It didn't take long for everyone to have their souls and possessions back to normal. Sheena rejoined them, also dusting her hands off as she went. Iggins was nowhere to be found. As everyone assembled in the center of the campus, no one was really sure what to do.

"Now that we've got everything back to normal," said Zelos, as some Traditional Magic Iko Iko students turned the ground into a dance floor with lots of dance club lights, and danceable music. "Let's… PARTY ON!"

The students, staff, Summon Spirits, some CIA people, and the MEDIA spent the rest of the evening grooving to various songs. It was definitely a fitting end for a torturous two weeks; and everyone was glad had come to a close. In the distance, the rockets Luna and Zim had fired zoomed away, heading for the Massive, and a better life.

**From the Author's Mind: (June 2011)**

**Fun Fact: ToIPatWS is, in fact, an abbreviation. Which doesn't say much.**

**Also, this was one of the most heavily edited chapters in the world. I originally had Sheena summoning Captain Jack (for those of you who don't know, he did songs for DDR). But I didn't like how the chapter ended with him (no offense CJ!) so he got edited out and I had the Summon Spirits take over his lines and actions.**


	9. Chapter 9: It's a HORRIBLE Life

**From the Author's Mind: (June 2011)**

**INC Christmas Episode!**

Chapter 9

When the final remnants of the Military had been removed from Whitestone, a sense of normalcy returned to the campus. The funding the Military had brought was retained by the school board, and a new gymnasium was finally erected, as well as a brand new auditorium (dedicated to the MEDIA, who were now kept as school pets). Many changes continued over the course of weeks separating the Military's departure and Christmas, the most prominent of which was the addition of Countess von Verminstrasser to the teaching staff. With the nearly eighty new students that had regained their souls, the campus required more teachers to take more classes, so all of the professors took steps to help rectify that. For example, Ms. Bitters and the Countess began alternating their teaching of Social Study, Health, and Careers, while Snape grudgingly gave up some of the Traditional Magic classes to Trelawney (though few actually took her class because most of the time it ended in hideous tragedy).

As December entered its second week, a festive air began to infiltrate the entire school, much to the chagrin of certain staff members. Snow began to fall, causing four snow days in a row (granted, two of these were on weekends, but it was announced that they'd make them up at the year's end anyway). Finally, with the last week of classes before the holidays, the students found themselves panicked: what would they buy?

**HOUSEPOINT TOTALS**: Fence: 523 Typhoid: 878 Iko Iko: 637 Potato: 797

**Friday, December 22****nd****. 9:00 A. M. Building C, Social Study Room.**

"Children!" Ms. Bitters snapped, ending all happiness in her room. "The Board of Education has decreed that you shall watch a historical movie to celebrate the holidays."

A loud round of cheering went up from the students in the class. Girtrude even set off a few fireworks, setting all the holiday decorations lovingly placed by the MEDIA on fire. Ms. Bitters seemed mildly pleased by this, and whirled around the shove a movie into the Master Computer, who began the playback.

"The movie you will watch is Disney's Titey, the true story of the Titanic," said Ms. Bitters, retreating to her desk to curse with voodoo dolls.

"Oh boy!" said Colette, clapping gleefully. "I've always wanted to see this one!"

"If it's made by Disney, it's sure to be messed-up and all happy and joyful," said Genis, flatly.

"You'd be surprised," Hermione said. "There's a lot of death and misery in Disney movies—"

"Did I ask you?" Genis snapped, making Hermione turn red.

"Not today, guys," said Harry, "Let's just enjoy the movie while we can…"

The movie began with a brief history reel of the Titanic, stating how it struck the iceberg and sank. Then, it opened up on Titey as he sailed across the ocean, leading a rousing chorus of a song that was obviously written by him, though versed well by the Captain and his crew.

"I may not be that safe," sang the ship. "And I may not be that small. But I've got a hunch—"

"Yes, he's got a hunch—" the crew repeated.

"That we're gonna have… A BALL!" he said, his eyes all squinty and joyous.

"Oh my God…" moaned Ginny. "This is embarrassing to watch…"

"Shh… I heard it gets good after this," assured Colette.

The story progressed with a couple more songs and followed the adventures of a few of the ships' passengers. It also focused on a couple of mice, who went on a covert operation of stalling the French cook to steal some cake for Titey. The cook, however, managed to find the half-eaten cake and gasped, running to the Bridge.

"Monsieur Capitan!" he screamed, running in and holding it to the Captain.

"Who got into the pantry?" asked the Captain, considering a second. Then, he shouted. "TITEY!"

Titey gave a guilty grin and burped a little, a large ring of pink around his mouth. By now Genis and Hermione had retreated into the land of homework, Tak and Zelos had moved to the back and were whispering sweet nothing into each other's ears, Sheena and Lloyd had fallen asleep, and Zim was attempting to gouge his eyes out with his pen.

The movie played for another thirty minutes or so, complete with misadventures galore. The only historical bits that were recognizable included the wireless man telling another ship to "SHUT UP!" and the attempt of a first-class passenger named Rosie O'Donnie to throw herself overboard (which was stopped after a serenade from a cute African steerage passenger named Jackson Jackson). Finally, it came to the big part of the story, where a penguin in the crows nest had a seizure and spotted the iceberg. As jazz music began to play, the iceberg sang her own little song.

"I'm a bad old iceberg," she sang. "But I'm cool and hip. I'm a bad old iceberg, and I'm gonna sink that spunky old ship!"

When it came time for the big action of the attack of Titey, anyone who was paying attention covered their eyes because a bright light suddenly appeared across the screen, causing Girtrude to have an epileptic fit. As they ray continued, Colette asked Presea what was going on.

"Disney Ray. Causes seizures in small children so they are not subject to the violence in the movies," said Presea robotically, staring directly into the rays.

Next, they saw Titey filling up with water and sinking. Passengers slipped off the sides and Titey panicked, his eyes bugging and water filling up his mouth. In the water, a bunch of friendly sea creatures gathered, deciding they would help the ship. As Titey sank beneath the water and the iceberg cackled in victory, the sea animals went about chewing gum and getting sewing equipment. They worked together to patch the holes, but Hermione and Genis were having none of it.

"Why in God's name is there a _beaver_ in the Atlantic Ocean?" asked Genis.

"And penguins do not live that far north," Hermione said stubbornly as one of the smaller penguins encouraged Titey to hang on.

Slowly, but surely, the animals pushed Titey back above the water. Reflected in the eyes of some binoculars, Napoleon Bonaparte watched from the same iceberg that had attempted to destroy Titey. He stuttered out sacrebleu after a few tries, and then went into a rant.

"I AM FRENCH!" he shouted, "I HATE WATER! MY TOUSHIE IS FROZEN!"

The iceberg, furious that her plot had failed, produced an icy sword when Titey took a triumphant leap into the air. She took a swipe and Titey jumped, the dove. Finally, he produced his own sword and an epic battle took place, the forces of good and evil fighting until dawn broke over the knoll. As the sky turned a pretty rainbowish color, Titey knocked the sword of the iceberg into the water (Napoleon also flew in at this point), and the iceberg sank below the surface of the water.

"Wow. That was… I don't even…," muttered Ron, his head uncomfortably resting on his desk.

As the passengers swam towards their ship, a lone voice sang out from the bow of the Titanic. They tried to identify the young girl, but it was impossible at first. As she continued to sing and dance, it started to dawn on a few people. Finally, she reached the high point of her song, and it became clear.

"I'm gonna write a diary somedaaaaaaay!" sang the girl, "And tell everyone about Titey… the ship weeeee caaaan't reeeeepaaaaaaaaaaaay!"

"WHY IS ANNE FRANK ON THE TITANIC?" snarled Genis and Hermioine.

"SILENCE!" Gaz shouted, whirling around, "I'M TRYING TO WATCH THE MOVIE ABOUT THE HAPPY SHIP, AND IF YOU INTERRUPT IT ONCE MORE, I'M GOING TO MAKE YOU PAY!"

Genis and Hermione feebly took their seats as most of the class erupted into cheers and claps for Gaz. The movie, finally, was winding down. The entire cast was dancing in a line, singing a song about Titey.

"Take a trip on the ship, he can be a little flip, but his hearts as big as the seeeeeaaaa! He's got holes, he's got cracks, he's got lifeboats on his back, for he's R. M. S. Titey!"

The credits rolled right after this and the movie ended. The lights flickered on and Ms. Bitters assumed the front of the room once more.

"So you see, children, the R. M. S. Titanic defeated the evil iceberg and sailed off to the land of eternal happiness, ready to tackle more adventures on the big sea. The end."

"That movie was so historically inaccurate," Hermione grumbled.

"Maybe, but I really enjoyed it," said Lloyd, "What does 'historically inaccurate' mean anyway?"

"You're an idiot," said Genis and Hermione at the same time.

"I'm still… reeling over the appearance of Anne Frank," said Sheena, looking lost.

"And Napoleon. Wasn't he dead at that point?" queried Neville.

"Aye," said Tak, "For many years."

"Remember, children, Christmas time is approaching. Watch out for those scammers who claim to be collecting for the Salvation Navy. They're not," said Ms. Bitters warningly as the bell rang. "Go… all of you… now!"

The class left Ms. Bitters' room and made their way across the frozen grounds to Building A, where Raine was eagerly awaiting them for Math. Her room was also decorated brightly with plenty of fairies, each fluttering and jittering around happily. The Hogwarts students had a minor nostalgic moment as they remembered Christmases past at the castle, but this was cut rudely short by Raine, starting her lesson.

"We will be continuing with our work on the Matrix today," she said, "Now, based on what we already know about them, how do we know when we can add them? Lloyd?"

"Huh?" Lloyd said, picking his head up. "Uh… when… they… are… uh…"

"Ten points from Fence. Pay attention, Lloyd!" Raine admonished him.

"Please, Professor," said Hermione. "Matrices can be added and subtracted when they have identical dimensions."

"Correct, ten points to Typhoid, Hermione," said Raine. "Now, how about when they can be multiplied? Miss Weasley?"

"When… the columns of the first match the rows of the second, I think," said Ginny frowning slightly as she tried to remember.

"It's the other way around, but good guess. Five points to Iko Iko," Raine said. "Now, for review, can anyone identify the Row-Echelon Form and Reduced Row-Echelon Form properties? Anyone besides Genis or Hermione?"

Unsurprisingly, there were no takers. Raine glared at the students for a few minutes, and then allowed Genis to answer the question, which he did so for a twenty-point bonus for Typhoid.

"Due to your obvious lack of studying, I want a three-page essay on matrices done by first thing on the day you come back," she said. "If you fail to do this assignment, I will take twenty-five points from your house, as well as give you a detention. I'll give you the rest of class to work on it, but I expect you to have it done when you return from break!"

"Professor," whined Lloyd, "It's Christmas time!"

"This is your… only homework," Raine said, looking as though it pained her to say this.

"I love you, Professor," said Lloyd, looking like he would cry with joy.

"Class dismissed," said Raine as the bell rang.

**Friday, December 22****nd****. 11:30 A. M. Building C. Careers Classroom.**

"PAY ATTENTION, CHILDREN!" Countess von Verminstrasser's voice cracked through the air like a rifle. "This year, Whitestone is participating in a Secret Santa. You will each be paired up with another student and must buy them a good gift or you will lose a part of your soul. Any questions?"

"Are the staff participating?" asked Hermione.

"Yes," said the Countess. "Even Master Computer."

"What if we don't celebrate Christmas?" asked Sheena.

"You do now," replied their teacher coldly. "Come, pick your names from this lovely hat.

"Oh boy!" said Colette, dashing forward and withdrawing a name. She grinned happily and sat at her seat, making a list of possible gifts for her receiver.

One by one, the other students picked names. The only two incidents that slowed the progress were Dib's drawing his own name and Sheena knocking Zelos over a desk when he said he was going to buy her something very inappropriate. Finally, once Girtrude had picked the last name, the bell rang and everyone flocked to the grounds.

"Who'd you get? Who'd you get?" asked Colette, while she and a bunch of the other girls migrated towards the dormitories to freshen up before the second group of lessons. "I got Neville!"

"I got Genis," said Ginny.

"I got Presea," said Gaz.

"And I got you," said Presea to her friend.

"I got Hermione. Oh, whoops…" said Sheena, covering her mouth.

"No problem, Sheena. I got… ugh… Iggins…" Hermione sighed.

"I got Dib," said Luna. "Hmm… I wonder what he would want…"

"Who'd you get, Tak?" asked Hermione.

"I got Zelos," said Tak, squealing. The other girls joined in, except for Gaz and Presea (both looking horrified and infuriated) and Luna (who was busily asking herself if a Glipphery would make a good pet or not).

"That's so great, Tak!" squealed Ginny. "Now you can finally profess your love for him! For real!"

"I know… but I don't have a lot of money…" muttered Tak. "I… guess I'll have to sell something…"

"Oh boy!" Girtrude said, happily. "Even Sanchez got a Secret Santa."

"I bet it was Gorfy!" Colette joined in enthusiastically.

"Who's Gorfy?" asked Hermione.

"A small Chihuahua we met on the first day of school. I haven't seen him since," replied Sheena.

"And what about you, Girtrude?" asked Colette.

"I got Lloyd!" Girtrude sputtered happily. "The one who flattened Dib a little bit in the arena."

Gaz glanced over, and, slowly, a smile spread across her face. She was plotting something, and she and Presea ran off to Ms. Bitters' Secret Room to gather information. It was only after the pack of still-giggling girls arrived at the dorms that any noticed their absence.

**Meanwhile, the Boys…**

"Lloyd, who'd you get?" asked Genis, walking with his friend as the guys headed straight for the cafeteria.

"I got Ron," said Lloyd, grinning happily. "I don't know what to get him, though."

"Don't wait for too long," Genis said. "Like with Colette's birthday present last year…"

"Hey! I got it to her!" Lloyd replied.

"Three weeks late. And broken," Genis reminded him.

"Oh yeah? Who'd you get?" asked Lloyd.

"Girtrude," said Genis, suddenly looking crestfallen.

"Bah, that's not so bad," said Neville. "I got Zim."

"Get him something blow-upy. He likes things that explode," said Zelos. "I, of course, got my beloved Tak. Now I just have to get something that she really wants…"

"I got Ginny," said Harry with a loving smile. "I know I'll be able to get her something great…"

"Yes," said Ron, pumping a fist into the air suddenly.

"What?" Harry asked, glancing at his friend.

"I got Sheena," said Ron, a wide grin on his face.

"Ron, you're into Sheena?" asked Harry, "I never noticed that."

"Man, you should see her… she has the best body in the world. I gotta impress her with something amazing… I wonder what she likes…" Ron muttered.

"Hurting Zelos," said Dib. "But I know how you feel. I got… Colette…"

Dib looked as though he would die with joy every time he said it. Although Lloyd threw him a dark glance from over his shoulder, Dib blissfully continued to float along, happily thinking about what he would buy Colette for Christmas.

"I got Harry," said Iggins.

"No one cares, human," said Zim, walking along. "Now… what should I get Luna…? I must repay her for helping me… otherwise my name as an Invader will be completely tarnished. Oh, why must this be such a misery?"

**Traditional Magic**

"As this is our last lesson before break," Snape said coldly to his Traditional Magic class a few minutes later. "I will be examining your skills to see if you've progressed at all."

"Please, Sir," Hermione said, her mind focused. "What will you have us do?"

"Ten points from Typhoid for a pointless interruption," said Snape, doing a little jig with the deduction. "And that is for me to know, Miss Granger, and you to find out. You will be tested according to your level of attainment, and the skills you have shown in this class."

"I wanna go first," Girtrude whined.

"Ten points from Potato for whining. NO EMOTION IS ALLOWED IN THIS CLASSROOM!" Snape shouted.

Zelos let out a cough that sounded a lot like the word "hypocrite." Tak giggled, and Snape took a further ten points from Iko Iko. He turned to Girtrude once more.

"Here's a pillow. Turn it into—" Snape began.

"A ring?" Girtrude interrupted.

"No, a—"

"A nun?" Girtrude asked, jumping to her desk.

"NO! A-"

"A five-tailed lemur?" Girtrude shouted, clinging to the front of Snape's robes.

"NO! I WANT YOU TO TURN THIS PILLOW INTO A—" Snape roared, eyes bugging.

"—a spork," Girtrude said, giggling.

"Argh! Ten points from Potato! TURN THE STUPID PILLOW INTO A COUCH!"

"Well, why didn't you say so?" Girtrude asked, waving her wand. The pillow burst into flames.

"WHAT KIND OF A COUCH IS THAT?" Snape shouted.

"Couch? I thought you said fire!" Girtrude said, giggling hysterically again.

"… those words aren't the least bit alike in verbal expression," Hermione stated, flatly.

"You failed," Snape said.

"Aw…" Girtrude said, frowning. "Now Sharifah-Latifah and Sanchez will have to make a contract with a snake to kill you…"

"What was that?" Snape asked, turning a cold eye on Girtrude.

"Your hair is greasy. Lets cook sausages!" Girtrude shouted, throwing the meat onto Snape's head.

"SIT DOWN! Potter! Defend this spell!" Snape shouted, shooting a spell at Harry.

Harry blinked and immediately directed the blast to Iggins, who fell to the ground, singed. Snape couldn't deduct points because, technically, Harry had defended against the spell. He tried to get Zelos, but Zelos cast Guardian and it didn't affect him.

"You! Girl!" he pointed to Gaz. "Defend this!"

Gaz merely held up her hand and the spell reflected into Snape. Their teacher flew against the wall, burnt and smelling of fish. So, he decided to let them go early to prepare for the next class, but not before taking twenty points from Gaz for having a headband of skulls.

"You will pay," Gaz muttered as she passed him.

**English Lesson… Sort Of.**

"Well, class," Kratos addressed his students that afternoon. "My psychologist says that I am mentally fit enough to finish the speeches we began at the beginning of the year… though any songs of any sort are banned."

"Thanks to the great me," said Zelos, reclining in his chair. Everyone, except Tak, glared at him, remembering their intensive counseling as well.

"So, starting on the first day of our return, you shall begin your self-intro speeches once more. I will have Luna, Hermione, Presea, Neville, and Ginny go first next time."

"I lost mine," Ginny said, raising her hand.

"Write a new one. Now, come, we have more important things to discuss in Weapons Appreciation," Kratos said, leading his class to the dark, dungeon-like room.

"Good afternoon, Kratos," Verminstrasser and Bitters said, nodding. Each held scythes in their hands, though the Countess had a side-arm as well.

"Good afternoon, ladies," Kratos said, nodding. "Shall we begin the lesson?"

"What's so important?" asked Sheena.

"Who here can tell me what a Hi-Ougi is?" asked Kratos.

When no one raised their hands at first, Presea and Gaz glanced at each other, sighed, and put up their hands. Kratos glanced around at the others and, finally, called on them.

"Hi-Ougi," Presea said, mechanically. "Also known as a Mystic Arte. A powerful fighting or magical attack, one that a person can only activate in extreme circumstances. Often deadly."

"Correct, ten points to Potato," said Kratos. "Examples?"

"I know some," Gaz said. "Colette did one when the Death Eaters attacked, you have Shining Bind, Raine has Sacred Shine and Fairy Circle, and Regal has Garen Zess… something…"

"Excellent. Ten points for each move so…fifty points to Potato," Kratos said.

"TAKE IT!" Gaz roared to her classmates, before turning her attention back to Kratos.

"Now, you each have the capability of a Hi-Ougi. However, you only get one shot to make a good one. Now, I suggest you each think long and hard over the break about what you want to do. Come January, Master Computer will be allowing you to lock it into your system. Most of us from Unified Symphonia will have ours already planned, we just need to lock them in. Those of us with two will need to decide between one."

"Can it be anything we want?" asked Ginny.

"Yes," replied Kratos. "Just make it PAINFUL!"

"Er… okay…" Neville muttered. "What can I do… that's painful…"

"In the Spring," Ms. Bitters said, taking over. "There will be a duel competition. Each of you, as well as the staff, will pair up with one or two of your friends. From there, you will be placed in a bracket. A tournament will be held, and the team that wins gets two hundred points to their house, some money, and the chance to defeat the winning staff team in the final round."

"How much money?" asked Sheena.

"Irrelevant," replied Ms. Bitters. "TRAIN!"

She flew off into the darkness, followed by Verminstrasser. Kratos just sighed and picked up his sword. "Now, is there anyone who wants to spar with me?"

**Friday, December 22. 4:30 P. M. Building B, Science Lab 4.**

"So," Raine concluded, taking her goggles and apron off. "By balancing the equation and returning the mixture to equilibrium, we see that the gas returns to a solid state."

"What does she mean?" asked Lloyd under his breath.

"The pretty, pink gas turned back into iodine," Genis replied, quickly writing his notes down.

"Now, since we still have about fifteen minutes, I'd like to get some more notes in on our next lesson," Raine said, happily. "Quickly, children, put your things away and take your seats; there is much to discuss."

Groaning and moaning, her students moved to do what they were told. Neville collected all the safety glasses, Colette hung up all the aprons, and Zim replaced all the dangerous chemicals in their correct spots. When the room finally settled, Raine turned towards the board.

"Now, before we continue with our chapter on crystalline solids, I'd like to quickly remind you about Le Chatelier's Principle. Who can state this for me? Uh… Genis, you have recency ," Raine said, picking between him and Hermione.

"Thanks," Genis said, giving a triumphant smile to Hermione. "This principle states that when a physical or chemical system at equilibrium is distributed by the application of stress, it attains a new equilibrium position that minimizes the stress."

"Correct, you get five points. Now, the way it is applied in our lab for the day—" Raine began to explain, but was interrupted by the buzzer. "Oh… Master Computer has an announcement. Come, children, let us say the pledge…"

After the pledge, Master Computer descended upon them to bring good news: classes were dismissed for the day since they were going on a field trip to go buy gifts for the Secret Santa exchange.

"I can't wait!" squealed Ginny. "I love to shop!"

"I should pick up a few things for myself as well…" muttered Hermione. "Oh, and are you and Ron going back to England for Christmas, Harry?"

"Aye," said Harry, gathering his belongings. "Let's go, Ron, we need to get a good seat on the bus."

"In a minute," said Ron, watching Sheena dreamily as she chatted with Colette. "I need all the time I can get to observe her… maybe I can get a good gift with the knowledge…"

"Honestly, Ron," snapped Hermione. "If you don't move, you'll get stuck next to Iggins."

"Okay, information gained," Ron said, quickly standing and following them to the bus.

"H-Hey… uh… C-C-olette…" Dib said, approaching her. "I-I was w-wondering if you'd… uh…"

"Hm?" Colette asked, looking at Dib. "If I'd what?"

"If you'd—" Dib began, but was interrupted.

"COLETTEY! Sit with me!" Girtrude squealed, rushing to hug her friend.

"Alright," Colette said, smiling and patting her on the head. "We'll help Sanchez find a good gift for Gorfy. Now… what'd ya need, Dib?"

"Nevermind," Dib said, looking dejected again.

"Okay, see you at the mall!" Colette said, skipping away with Girtrude.

"Damn…" muttered Dib.

"Tak, I'm going to get us a back seat," said Zelos. "And… uh… I think we should split up with our respective guys and girls at the mall, 'kay?"

"Alright," replied Tak. "Will do."

"Gaz," said Presea. "Shall you accompany me to this… mall?"

"I guess. I heard the R-Kade is good…" Gaz muttered.

"THEY HAVE THE R-KADE?" Iggins shouted, looking excited. "WOW! THAT IS SO COOL! WE HAVE TO—"

"Shut up," Gaz said, waving her hand in a circle and causing a small whirlwind to knock Iggins out of the nearest window.

"You've been practicing," Presea commented.

"It keeps my sanity," said Gaz, dusting her hands off and whipping out her GameSlave 4.

**Friday, December 22****nd****. 5:30. The Bus.**

"And remember," Regal said as they pulled into the mall. "Buy only what you can carry. And don't tell your secret gift receivers, this is supposed to be a surprise."

"Got it," the others replied, each jumping off the bus.

"So, where should we go first?" asked Hermione as she, Ginny, Tak, and Sheena left the group. "I do need to check out some school supplies—"

"I'm thinkin' the boutique," said Ginny. "Hermione, have you ever gone on a shopping spree?"

"Well… I… that is to say—" Hermione stammered, flushing.

"C'mon, girls," said Sheena, grabbing Hermione by the wrist. "Our present to her will be a lesson on how to shop like a pro!"

"Lesson one," said Tak as they entered a clothing store. "Know how to get the managers to give you extra discounts. For example, it's best if you—"

They disappeared into a store. Behind them, Harry and Ron had been walking, listening to their words. When the girls dove into the boutique, they stopped dead. That was definitely no-man's land, and to enter there would be death physically and socially.

"Girls are so manipulative," Ron said, eyes wide.

"That they are," Harry said. "And bewitching."

"So, what are you getting for Ginny?" asked Ron nonchalantly.

"I… don't know," admitted Harry. "I'm going to think of something good, though. What about you?"

"I have it all planned out," Ron said. "The best gift in the world. Yep. It's right here, in my head. I know exactly how much it costs, the color, the texture, the flavor, the scent… it's going to be the best."

"You have no idea, do you?" Harry accused.

"Not one," said Ron, looking as though his whole life had finally gone crashing down again.

**Zim and Girtrude**

"GIRTRUDE!" Zim shouted across the Center Court. Girtrude, who had been diving in the fountain to retrieve the coins, flew out to Zim's side.

"Yes, Master!" he shouted, eyes reddening for a moment.

"Girtrude, it is time we went on the most important, dangerous mission of our time," said Zim. "We must buy gifts. Who did you get as your… filthy gift-giver?"

"The red man with two swords," said Girtrude, jingling slightly.

"Ah, yes, he… uh… Girtrude… have you been stealing human coins again?" asked Zim.

"No…" Girtrude replied, averting his eyes. Zim continued to glare, and Girtrude finally burst into tears. "YES!"

She opened her head and thousands of coins spewed out and began to fall on the shoppers around them. They all began to stampede, attempting to get out of the mall before they were impaled with too many quarters and pennies. Girtrude gave his master a sheepish smile before following him towards a store of lethal-looking weapons.

**Zelos and Lloyd**

"So, Zelos, what are you going to get Tak?" asked Lloyd as he and Zelos mad their way past some panicked shoppers a few minutes later.

"Well… uh… I don't know…" said Zelos. "I know she really likes that charm she has on her cloak all the time… it has very strange markings. I was thinking I'd buy her a solid gold chain to go with it."

"But how are you going to afford that?" asked Lloyd. "They cost a lot more Gald than we have!"

"I'll think of something," said Zelos, looking around.

As luck would have it, the nearest store was a hair stylists. There were several obnoxiously bright and large signs on the window. The first read "FREE HAIR-STYLING FOR FIRST-TIMERS!" another said "ORGANIC HAIR CARE PRODUCTS FOR THE DISCERNING FASHIONISTA!" and the third, in bigger letters, read, "WILL PAY FOR HAIR FOR CANCER PATIENTS!" Zelos grinned as he and Lloyd entered the salon, Lloyd looking completely mortified.

**Dib/Neville and Gaz's Group**

"I have to get her something good," said Dib out loud as he and Neville walked around the mall.

"Who?" asked Neville.

"I need to get her something she'll cherish," said Dib.

"Hey… hello?" Neville repeated, blinking.

"I must show her my true feelings in one gift!" Dib said dramatically.

"Why are you telling me this?" asked Neville.

"I WILL SHOW YOU MY TRUE LOVE!" Dib shouted to the ceiling, falling to his knees.

"… yeah… I'm gonna go over there now. Bye," said Neville, walking away quickly.

"Idiot," said Gaz as she, Presea, and Luna walked by. They each had bags from a nearby video game store, having spent most of their money on themselves. Now they headed for the R-Kade, one of the most famous arcades in all the land.

"It says here that they have a shooter game with real targets," said Luna, reading a pamphlet. "Criminals are shot with bullets made of paint, though the technology makes it more painfully than paintball."

"Are there any RPGs?" asked Presea.

"They just opened a virtual realty center. I'm sure they've got something like that there as well," said Luna, turning the brochure over. "I'm going to have to decide on what to give Dib, though. Any ideas?"

"Malaria," Gaz replied, as they entered the R-Kade.

All three girls stopped dead. Their eyes slowly widened and looks of divine saving came across their faces. Inside was their paradise: a dark room containing dozens upon dozens of machines. The lights they could see were all the colors of the rainbow and more, flashing at a frequency and brightly enough that most children would have had a seizure. The beat of the music, the explosions of gunshots, and the curses the losers made intermixed so much that it was a dull uproar. Tears welled up in Gaz's eyes as she flew straight for the nearest first-person shooter that Luna had mentioned, knocking six guys twice her size out of the way.

"Abaddon 6," read Gaz. "Sounds good."

She put in a quarter. On the second machine, she was joined by Presea. Luna had gone off to play the newest Dance Dance Revolution game, so they suited up and entered the virtual reality. The graphics were spectacular, and the game play itself was so real. A mission brief passed through their helmets. They were to track down and destroy the top two evildoers of a secret organization. When the game played, they saw two figures run, panicked, across the field.

"They look familiar," muttered Gaz, and then she shouted. "Are you two the bad guys?"

"No! Don't shoot us anymore! It hurts!" came the shrill whine of a man in pain.

"Isn't that…?" Gaz wondered.

"The former man-in-charge of the Military and his female assistant," said Presea.

"Excellent," said Gaz evilly, lining one of them up and pulling the trigger.

**The Manipulative Girls Group**

"Where to next?" Hermione asked, swinging six bags from each arm. "Chop, chop! There are sales that await us!"

"We've created a monster," said Sheena proudly as Hermione threw herself at a window with mannequins dressed in rather flowery dresses.

"Brings a tear to your eye," said Ginny.

"Guys! Help me!" Tak wailed. "I don't know what to get Zelos!"

"I have the perfect idea!" said Hermione, searching her new pocketbook furiously, "Look!"

"A line of hair care products that will make your hair bouncier, shinier, and more colorful," read Tak, staring at the coupon. "Hermione, I love you!"

"Even with the coupon," pointed out Ginny. "It's still horribly expensive."

Tak fiddled with the charm for a moment. She stared at it, bit her lip, and glanced around. "I'll think of something," she said, casting another forlorn look at the medallion, her fingers still twitching over it.

"Right, let's go! It's on SALE!" Hermione shouted, rushing forward, her bags and shoes clicking.

"I have a feeling we're going to live to regret this," said Sheena.

"Nah, she's just having a culture shock. She's been denied this for sixteen years," said Ginny. "She'll feel the burn tonight and tomorrow."

**Iggins**

Who care what he bought? I mean… really?

**Colette and Genis**

"Colette, do you think Girtrude would like this?" asked Genis, picking up a huge, stuffed whale.

"She'd love it," said Colette. "And she'd probably come up with a cool name for it, too! She always has a way of doing that…"

"True," said Genis. "What are you getting Neville?"

"I'm not sure yet," said Colette. "I don't know him very well, so I don't really know what to get him."

"Maybe you could bake him something?" suggested Genis.

"Oh… I would… but I exploded my lab station in Cooking Appreciation, remember?" Colette said, turning red a little bit.

"Oh yeah… well, I guess making him pork chops is definitely out of the question, then," said Genis.

"Agreed," said Colette. "But I bet I know what he really wants!"

"What's that?" asked Genis, confused.

"Come with me," said Colette, grabbing her friend and dragging him out of the store (after he paid for the whale, of course).

**Zelos and Lloyd**

"I still can't believe you did that," said Lloyd as the two guys emerged about ten minutes later.

"Look at it this way. Now Tak can really appreciate my face, and I have the money to buy her a gift," said Zelos, who was wearing a hooded cloak.

"You'd better be right," said Lloyd, biting his lip slightly.

"Now, what are you going to get your friend there, Ron?" asked Zelos.

"I'm not sure… what would he want?" replied Lloyd.

"No matter. Let's just go check out the jewelry store," said Zelos, advancing rapidly.

"Wait for me!" called Lloyd, running after him.

**Dib and Neville (poor, poor Neville)**

"So, Dib," said Neville as he clutched his purchase for Zim. "Have you decided upon a gift for Colette yet?"

"No," moaned Dib miserably. "I haven't. I need to get her something she'd truly appreciate… something she'd care for… something that we could even share maybe… but I don't know what…"

"What about a stuffed dog?" suggested Neville.

"She has a billion of them," said Dib in a despairing way. "Sheena told me so."

"What about some new hula-hoops?" Neville replied.

"She uses chalkrams, not hula-hoops," said Dib. "It wouldn't work."

"Well… I'm out of ideas…" said Neville.

"I've got it," said Dib, looking past Neville. "I know exactly what to give her!"

"Uh oh… I don't think this will end well," said Neville, sighing. "Well… I guess we could do that. Just be careful."

"I will be," said Dib, dragging Neville behind him.

**Harry and Ron**

"These are _perfect_," Harry said, holding up the jewelry he bought Ginny.

"I'm just gonna get her a gift card," said Ron, having no other options.

"Sounds good," said Harry as the two left for the bus.

**Zim and Girtrude**

They went back to the bus already; you missed them. So… suffice to say, Girtrude bought something fitting for Lloyd and Zim did his best to get something Luna would like.

**Friday, December 22. 10:30 P. M. The Bus**

Clutching their purchases, the students of Whitestone pulled out on their six buses. The main bus went ahead as the snow began to pickup. After a while, they found themselves caught in a blizzard, and they began to slow, Master Computer even seeming concerned.

"Visibility is extremely poor," muttered Regal from the front seat. "We should take extra caution."

"What's the worst that can happen, Regal?" Raine said, jokingly. "An avalanche?"

"AVALANCE!" shouted Zelos, looking out the window.

The mountainside they were driving next to had given away, and a lot of snow was rolling down the hill towards them. The buses behind slammed on their brakes while the bus in front shot ahead. As everyone clung to the nearest seat or person, Countess von Verminstrasser assumed command.

"BRACE POSITIONS, HOLD ON!" she shouted, "THIS IS GONNA GET ROUGH!"

Rough didn't begin to describe it. When the wave of snow hit the side of the bus, it knocked it to one side by over thirty degrees. They moved along with the snow, sliding down the grade. The girls shrieked and a few guys yelled as they dropped another twenty feet, landing at almost a forty-five degree angle in a gully. The snow continue to push on the glass, finally breaking through the back few windows, making a few students scream and move forward.

"All buses," Master Computer said over the radio. "Continue to the rendezvous destination. We will remain here until assistance is provided."

"What are we gonna do?" wailed Neville.

"Students," replied Master Computer. "We are likely to be stuck here for at least a few hours; possibly a few days. I suggest we make the best of it. There are limited amounts of food around, so let us ration."

"I'll just summon more food if we need it," Snape said from a very uncomfortable position on the floor. "Warmth can be provided as well."

"In that case," Raine said, "Let us divide into areas that will be comfortable for all. And I suppose we can exchange out gifts with everyone else if we really wanna…"

"Yay!" everyone cheered, immediately grouping up with their friends to discuss things before giving out their gifts.

"Master Computer," Trelawney said, bowing to the machine, "I bestow upon you… a bank account at the local blood bank!"

"Sybil…" Master Computer sniffed, then opened one of his drives. "I cannot show you the gift here, but I can give you the key. I stole… er… obtained a yacht for you."

"PRAISE THE MASTER COMPUTER!" cried Professor Trelawney, then, to the sky. "SCREW YOU, JESUS!"

"Kratos," said Raine, blushing slightly. "I custom ordered this for you. My class's experiments came up with the best polyatomic substance for the best blade…"

"This… this is the most beautiful sword I have ever seen," Kratos breathed. "This surpasses anything Cruxius ever gave me…"

"Raine," said Regal. "My company was able to obtain this very sacred book; I want you to have it."

"Regal!" squealed Raine. "This is the long lost Book of Esperanza! The famous Healer! Oh… you… you rock!"

"Did my sister just say, 'you rock?'" Genis asked, looking mortified.

"Yeah," said Lloyd. "Scary, isn't it?"

"Regal," said Kratos. "I got you… Gald. A lot of it."

He proceeded to give sixteen large bags of gold to Regal. Lloyd's mouth dropped open. Everyone stared for at least a few seconds.

"How did you acquire so much wealth?" asked Regal.

"Four thousand years of random battles makes you pretty rich, and I'll be damned if I'm donating to an orphanage," Kratos replied.

"Why didn't he ever give any to me?" Lloyd grouched.

"Be silent," said Gaz. "I have a gift or Presea."

"… oh?" Presea asked, looking nonchalant.

"I got you these," said Gaz, handing Presea four tickets to the Chainsaw group she loved so much. Her eyes bugged.

"OHMYGOD!" she shouted, displaying twice as much emotion as she's shown in her life combined. "PRESEA, YOU… YOU ROCK!"

"Of course," said Gaz. "Just don't invite my stupid brother."

"Wouldn't dream of it," assured Presea, back to her taciturn manner. "I got you this upgrade."

"Oh my God!" Gaz squealed. "This is the double-action laser/800 round per second bullet upgrade! How did you know?"

"The Book in Ms. Bitters' room, of course," Presea said.

"I'm so tempted to try it out… but I won't," said Gaz. "I'll save it for the next battle."

"Here, Girtrude," said Genis, handing the big, wrapped whale to Girtrude. "Merry Christmas."

"OHMYGODWELFARE!" screeched Girtrude. "A whale friend for Sharifah-Latifah and Sanchez! I shall call him Akmed. Oh, and you… I got you stuffs!"

She thrust her package into Lloyds hands. Then she skipped over to where the large rubber ducky and the swimming goldfish were (Sanchez was also exchanging gifts with Gorfy; a bone and a new switchblade). Lloyd unwrapped the gifts.

"Wow! Girtrude, you're so awesome!" Lloyd said. "Real swords! With blades! Dad and Dad never let me have anything but wooden ones when we aren't saving the world!"

"You have come of age," said Gitrude, nodding sagely.

"Wow, cool!" Lloyd said, checking the shine out on the blades. "Oh, here you go, Ron."

"What is it?" asked Ron, after he unwrapped a necklace with a circular thing on the end.

"It's a Mood Necklace. Try it on!" Lloyd said.

"Er… thanks…" said Ron, who had spotted Sheena as she walked by. The necklace instantly turned purple.

"That means uncontrollable lust," said Lloyd, happily reading from the card.

"I'm gonna go… over… here…" muttered Ron, skipping to Sheena's small corner of the bus.

"Thank you so much!" Hermione squealed, hugging Sheena. She clutched a 5000 Gald gift card in her hand for the Bookstore.

"You more than earned it; that shopping spree was killer. Do you hurt?" asked Sheena.

"My biceps are sore, as are my quads," said Hermione. "But I feel… oddly invigorated with it. I wanna do it again!"

"Hermione just said wanna. You've definitely warped her mind," said a grinning Ginny, who was fishing her gift out.

"Right," said Sheena. "I'm gonna go get hot chocolate from Snape, anyone want anything?"

"Me!" Hermione said, checking out a coupon catalog for the books she could buy.

"Us!" Zelos and Tak commented.

"I'll take one as well," said Ginny.

"Right," said Sheena, turning and running straight into Ron, who turned red.

"I-I-I Ha-Happy Christmas," stuttered Ron, thrusting the card out to her.

"Yes! A 2000 Gald gift card for any fashion boutique in the mall! How did you know?" Sheena squealed. "You're the best!"

"I… I am?" Ron gasped, flushing deeper.

"Yes," said Sheena, kissing him lightly on the forehead. Then she punched him playfully in the arm. "Want some hot chocolate?"

"Yes I do!" Ron said, following after her.

"Well, Harry," said Ginny, smirking as she lay his head in his lap. "What'd you buy me?"

"How'd you know?" Harry asked, taken aback.

"A girl's sense of perception is keen," Ginny said wisely, then. "And Hermione told me."

"Gah… well… here," said Harry, handing her a small, wrapped package. "Happy Christmas. You'll get my real present when we get to the Burrow… if we do…"

"Oh… Harry…" Ginny said, catching her breath in her chest. "This… these… they're beautiful."

"Made from the best elemental fragments around," said Harry. "Look… they boost—"

"—fire power in Symphonian Magic! Harry, I love you!" she squealed kissing him.

"I knew you'd like it," said Harry, grinning a little stupidly.

"Of course," said Ginny. "Oh, that reminds me… Genis!"

"Eh?" Genis said, walking over. "What?"

"I have your present," said Ginny, handing a wrapped box.

"What is it? Clothes?" asked Genis, unwrapping the box. "I—Oh my… wow…"

It was a beautiful robe, one that was just his size. It sparkled, even in the darkness. The robe boosted all magical abilities, regardless of their origin. Genis sat down next to Hermione, who was still researching books. Behind them, Tak and Zelos were cozying up next to each other.

"Well, hon, I think it's our turn," muttered Tak, toying with his chin. "Here. Merry Christmas."

"Oh, before I do, here's yours. Oh, and check this out," said Zelos, pulling the hood of his robe at last. His hair was cut so short it didn't even extend past his neck at all.

"Zelos!" Tak gasped. "Your hair!"

"Like it?" asked Zelos. "And… hey, where's your charm?"

"I—Uh…" Tak said. "Well, open your gift first…"

"Long Hair Care products…" Zelos muttered. "Wow… Tak… honey…"

"A chain for my charm!" gasped Tak. "Oh… babe…"

"Look," muttered Hermione. "It's just like in the Gift of the Magi."

"Where one sells the hair; the other a treasured possession? Yeah, I was thinking that, too," Genis replied.

"How romantic," muttered Hermione.

"Well, I… I guess I could exchange the thing for shorter hair…" Tak muttered.

"Why would you do that?" asked Zelos.

"Well, your hair, you… cut it…" Tak pointed out in a slightly confused tone.

"No, I didn't," said Zelos, pulling something out of his hair. It all spilled down back again. "I just got it styled. The sign said the first timers get a free one. I was gonna see if you liked it."

"No way!" Tak giggled. "Your long hair is awesome!"

"But your charm… you sold it, didn't you?" asked Zelos. "To get me my hair care products…"

"Hells no," Tak said, withdrawing it from her purse. "I just didn't wear it on my cloak because I kept getting distracted by it when I was trying to decide on a gift for you. I just begged the manager to give me a discount, and he complied."

"You're so manipulative," said Zelos, hugging her.

"That I am," said Tak. "But am I wrong?"  
"No way," Zelos muttered.

Hermione and Genis exchanged exasperated looks, shook their heads, and walked away. "Romantic indeed…" they muttered.

"Human child!" Zim demanded of Luna near the center of the bus. "I… uh… have a gift for you."

"Oh?" said Luna, looking up from her book. "Well, that's a surprise. I could've sworn my horoscope said my gift would come from a rabid tortoise. But this is just as pleasant, methinks."

"Merry… Jingly…" Zim said, handing her the package.

She opened it. Inside was a large, white-and-blue wind chime. She held it in front of her, letting it wave slightly. The noises it made were pure and beautiful, not too loud or too quiet. They beads and glass balls hanging from it added to its character.

"This is perfect!" Luna said. "I love it, Zim! Thank you!"

"It's the least I can do," said Zim. "After all, Invaders who don't return favors are likely to explode."

"True 'dat," said Luna. "Oh, I have to give Dib his present. Be right back. And watch out for the flaming message rocket."

"Huh?" Zim said, turning. He screamed as the flaming message rocket slammed into the bus and landed in his arms. The screen opened to reveal the Almighty Tallest, gorging themselves on the snacks he and Luna had sent.

"ZIM!" cried Purple. "These are DELICIOUS!"

"You have been ranked up," said Red. "You can now call us for ten minutes once a month! Good show! By the way… Merry Jingly!"

"You too, My Tallest," Zim said, feeling six inches taller. Then he realized he was standing on an unconscious Iggins, which was indeed making him a bit taller. He shrugged and sat down, waiting for his Secret Santa to become known.

"H-Hey… C-Colette," Dib stammered, approaching the blonde Chosen One.

"Merry Christmas, Dib," said Luna, smiling. "What's up?"

"M-Merry Christmas," said Dib. "Here…"

"Oh! You're my Santa!" Colette said happily. "Ooh! It's pretty! What is it?"

"It's a good luck charm," said Dib. "You wear it over your heart, and it is said to bring you good luck for the entire time it touches your body or clothing."

"That's handy," said Colette, putting it on right away. "You're so nice. Thank you!"

"You're welcome," said Dib, smiling gleefully as Colette made her way cautiously past the other seats to get to her little sleeping area.

"Dib," said Luna, coming up from behind him. "I have my gift for you."

"You do?" Dib asked. "Uh… where is it…?"

"Right here. Master Computer, if you will…" said Luna, throwing her arms up. Master Computer locked some cords around her arms, shocking her violently. He then did the same to Dib, whose clothing was scorched.

"What was that for?" asked Dib, looking mortified.

"She gave you Malaria, DUH!" Gaz said, configuring the GameSlave 4 to accept the new upgrade.

"No… that cost too many Pain Points," said Luna. "I know you really wanted to do magic, so I gave you some of my Symphonian ability. You can now do Earth magic with the best, as well as some Fire and Water. Forgive me, but I kept Air for myself because it's fun to throw myself off the buildings and be caught before I splatter."

"Luna… I… I don't know what to say," said Dib, tearing slightly. "Thank you so much!"

"No problem," said Luna. "I have to go burn small crosses now, Ms. Bitters is teaching me voodoo."

"Maybe I can set them on fire for you," Dib offered, eager to try out his magical powers.

"Y'know… I wonder who Ms. Bitters' Secret Santa was…?" Hermione asked herself.

"Countess, you never cease to amaze me," said Ms. Bitters, going through the pages of an enormous, leather-bound book. "This will make a wonderful addition to My Room."

"I knew it would," said the former Nazi. "And I hope you put the knowledge contained in it to good use."

"I shall," said Ms. Bitters. "Oh… the slimy one approaches…"

"I have a gift for you, Countess," said Snape, respectfully. "One I hope you will appreciate."

She opened the box to find a brand new whip waiting for her. She cackled with glee and practiced snapping the remaining windows of the bus out. She smiled, nodded to Snape, and then collapsed into a coma for a few hours.

"Here," said Ms. Bitters. "Voodoo Set. Use it on those you hate, make them pained, blah blah blah… away!"

She, too, collapsed into a coma. Snape stared greedily at the cover of the box, and then glanced back to his Hogwarts students. With a made cackle, he strode over to an empty seat and began the instructions on how to set up a voodoo set.

"Here you go, Neville," said Colette, handing Neville a rather small, cardboard box.

"What is it?" asked Neville, taking off the wrapping paper.

"It's a game you should enjoy," said Colette, smiling.

"Operation? Never heard of it," Neville said, perplexed.

"Since you wanted to be a Nurse, I figured this would be the best way to introduce you to non-magical surgery. Don't touch his metal sides or he dies and you lose your medical license, 'kay?"

"Right," said Neville. "Thanks, Colette. Happy Christmas."

"You, too," said Luna, dancing to her seat to nap.

"Oh… I gotta give this to Zim," said Neville. "Happy Christmas, Zim."

"What is this, worm glutton?" Zim asked, holding a deck of Tarot cards in his hand.

"These are cards that you can use to predict the future," said Neville. "If you learn how. Luna can show you how to use them better than I can, but I figured this would help your plans for world conquest or whatever…"

"How'd you know about them?" Zim asked, startled.

"You rant about them all the time in Careers," said Neville, shrugging. "I figured you might need help."

"Oh," Zim said. "Good job, human. You may be spared."

"Thanks… I think…" Neville muttered, walking away.

"I guess I can give you this now," said Hermione. "Seeing as you're not… unresponsive."  
"VOYAGES AND VAMPIRES?" Iggins squealed, bursting. "OHMYGODPORTUGUESMANOFWAR! IT'S VOYAGES AND VAMPIRES, THE COOLEST BOARD GAME EVER! YOU'RE A GODDESS!"

"Thanks," Hermione said. "Now I'm gonna go pick out more books."

"THANK YOU, GODDESS OF KNOWLEDGE!" Iggins cried, bowing to her feet.

"Yeah…" Hermione said, walking away quickly.

"Oh! I almost forgot! Harry!" Iggins squealed, rushing to his side.

"Happy Christmas, Iggins. You must be my Santa," said Harry with no enthusiasm.

"I am," verified the teen. "And I got you… this!"

From a package bigger than him, he produced a computerized body suit. Harry stared at it for a moment before it came to life and stood up. The thing was hot pink in color, had a helmet with a digital happy face, and the figure for a woman.

"What is it?" asked Harry.

"A personalized suit!" said Iggins. "I know it may look girlish, but I assure you, she's really good for men."

"Am I supposed to wear this?" asked Harry.

"Duh," said Iggins.

"I'll… not wear it just yet…" said Harry.

"Autopilot!" Iggins screamed, pushing a button. The suit came to life a bit more.

"Hi!" it said in a very upbeat, perky voice. "You must be Harry."

"Yep," said Harry. "And you are?"

"I'm the 3000. But you can call me Peaches," replied the suit, smiling.

"… Peaches…" Harry muttered, flatly.

"You seem to be stuck in this snow pile. I can fix that," she said, shooting out of the roof like a bullet.

"What is she…?" Ron began when the bus began to shudder.

Out the window, they saw Peaches extend her arms all the way around the bus. She had little jet boots coming out of her feet, each of which allowed flight. She carried the bus to the safe part of the road, all the students in the bus cheering. Professor Trelawney had joined her on top of the bus, and, slowly, one-by-one, everyone else did, too.

"DROP DEAD, GOD, WE DON'T NEED YOUR MIRACLES ANYMORE!" Trelawney shouted to the sky. "WE GOT PEACHES AND MASTER COMPUTER!"

"So, who wants to sing Christmas Carols?" suggested Colette.

"We do!" (almost) everyone replied.

They began to sing "Deck the Halls" as the bus slowly drove them along the road. The students and staff of that particular bus from Whitestone sang together as Master Computer steered them past all the obstacles God and Jesus were suddenly throwing at them, making it back to the school with ease. As they pulled in and everyone began to jump off the bus they froze, looked to the sky, and shouted, "HAPPY HOLIDAYS, EVERYONE!"

**From the Author's Mind: (June 2011)**

**Nothing to say here. A lot of references (like every other chapter in this story...) to various random things I was seeing, reading, or watching at the time of this update. Also, I don't remember ANY of the stuff talked about in the in-class sections. Oh how time has dumbeded me down. Thank you, college, for teaching me nothing!**


	10. Chapter 10: HiOugis

**From Gaz's Mind: (June 2011)**

**Okay, the stupid Author decided he was going to start letting us characters do the beginning and ending messages to you all. I get to go first because no one dared oppose me because those that oppose me find themselves in very painful situations. So… I have come to introduce you to Chapter 10: Hi-Ougis. In it, we learn fun fighting moves, there's some friendships and more lessons… and Raine won't stop talking… ARGH! And this also begins the second half of the year of Whitestone. Alright, I'm sick of speaking, so sit down, shut up, and play attention as Chapter 10 unfolds. Oh, and we have a new substitute for Math and Chem and Healing Magic and… stuff. It's stupid.**

**From the Author's Mind:**

**So… yeah from here on out the characters are going to do the Intros and Exits. As such, most will remain unedited. We'll see. Enjoy the updated version!**

Chapter 10: Hi-Ougis

When everyone returned from their holiday vacations of joy and merriment, they found Building D had been struck by a meteor at some point. Although none of the space rock was saved, Luna assured them that the CIA found no reason to be alarmed, and that things would continue as normally. It continued to snow heavily, triggering sixteen more avalanches in the area, including one that buried half of the new gymnasium. Regardless, the instructors of Whitestone would not be stopped by a mere eight feet of snow, and classes continued the second week of January.

**HOUSE POINT TOTALS: Fence – 558 / Typhoid – 899 / Iko Iko – 801 / Potato – 900**

**Monday, January 2****nd****. 8:03 A. M. Social Study Classroom.**

"Well, I'm thrilled to see you have all returned safely from Christmas vacation," said Countess von Verminstrasser with a large helping of sarcasm. "It just makes me feel all bubbly and happy inside now that I see you're all safe and sound with no dismemberments."

"Me, too," said Peaches joyfully as she floated above Harry.

"You. Your perkiness disgusts me. Stop saying words," said Countess von Verminstrasser to the floating suit.

"Of course, ma'am," said Peaches brightly.

"Today, we're going to play a game. This game is called Life. We will give examples as to how you will react to events in your life," said the Countess, withdrawing a large card deck from her clothing.

"Please, ma'am, how do we play?" asked Hermione.

"You take a card and it has a point value. Whoever gets the most wins. And you have to tell us how you react and such for full credit," replied the teacher flatly.

"I wanna go first!" wailed Girtrude, running up front to draw a card. "Please?"

"You have manners. This disgusts me. But I'll let you draw so you can hurry up and sit down," said the Countess.

"Okay," said Girtrude, happily drawing a card, "OMGBOUNCYBALL! I won a scratch-off ticket! +500 points!"

"I'll go next," said Peaches, floating down on top of Harry. "Hmm… you crash your grandmother's car. -50 points. Oh no, that's incredibly unfortunate…"

"You, boy, pick!" Verminstrausser said, thrusting the deck at Harry, whose spine was slowly snapping under the weight of Peaches.

"Your wife cheats on you and you go on Maury. +1300 points," read Harry, glancing to Ginny.

"I shall draw… NOW!" Zim shouted, picking a card. "You break a piano at the Grand Ole' Opera. You've done the world a favor. +789 points. What is this… Opery?"

"You commit genocide," read Presea. "Negative 5000 points and shame on you. I… find myself… not caring."

"Your head catches fire and you go bald. You marry a supermodel because of it. Plus 188 points," said Ron. "Sweet!"

"While shaving a man's head, you cut off his ear. -3900 points," read Lloyd. "I'M NOT GOING TO BE A BARBER, GOSH DARNIT!"

"Your GameSlave is about to fire a missile," read Gaz. "Plus 1500 points. That's impossible, I have this thing on Sleep Mode and—"

A missile shot out of the pod on the front of it, picking up Girtrude and Sanchez as it went. They crashed through the wall and blew it up, causing a lot of pipes to fall down and crush the stuff in the front of the room.

"You will get married. Negative 10 points," read Ginny. "Well that blows."

"You shall be run over by a rainbow. This rainbow will give you a chocolate bunny rabbit. For life. Plus 423 points," said Tak, eyebrow raised.

"You will have twenty-five bad children. -25 points," read Colette. "Oh, dear, that's going to be a lot of work!"

"When the world ends, you're the first go to," muttered Zelos. "-1 point. Aw man."

"Your momma. +679 points," said Genis. "What does this mean?"

"There can be only one, - 22 points," said Sheena, reading her card. "Only one what?"

"You end the life of M. S. +10,000 points," said Neville. "And the world will forever be restored. Who is M. S.?"

"You dye your hair blonde. -495 points," said Hermione, flatly. "Give me a break!"

"Your crush will fall in love with you and you will have two beautiful children. +280 points," read Dib, stealing a glance to Colette.

"You have no future," Iggins said, reading off his paper. "I'm so sorry. -1,000,000,000 points. NOOOOO!"

"You've got mail. +30 points," said Luna. "Hm. I guess I haven't checked in fifteen minutes; the CIA probably sent me something…"

"GAME OVER!" shouted the Countess. "LONGBOTTOM WINS! +100 POINTS TO FENCE! Now leave!"

"What? I won?" said Neville, a grin spreading to his face. "This is the best moment of my life!"

"Think of it next time you attempt a Patronus," Ginny suggested to him as the class departed.

"I remember the last time I did that," said Harry, fondly. "It was during the O.W.L. And I imagined Umbridge being sacked. How I hated her."

"At least we'll never have to deal with her again," said Hermione, as they walked into the Math classroom.

_Hem hem._

**Monday, January 2****nd****. 9:08 A. M. Math Classroom.**

"Good morning students!" she said in her high-pitched voice. "My name is Dolores Umbridge, and I will be replacing Professor Sage for a few weeks."

"_Weeks?_" wailed Ron. "You've gotta be kidding!"

"Five points from Gryffindor, Mr. Weasley, for your outburst," said Umbridge, grinning evilly.

"It's Fence, actually," said Presea, standing up, her eyes filled with instant hate. "And if you had a shred of knowledge inside that wretched body of yours, you would have taken the time to actually understand exactly what you were supposed to be doing. But instead, you're here to interfere, just like at Hogwarts. Am I correct?"

"You couldn't be less," hissed Umbridge, her face flushed. "Fifty points from whatever miserable house you are in, and detention! What is your name?"

"Presea Combatir," said Presea in a cold voice. "You would do well to remember that name."

"Well, Presea, I—" Umbridge began, but was then hit in the face by a dart with a sticky cup on the end. Gaz giggled from her seat, holding her GameSlave Advance.

"WHO DID THIS?" roared Umbridge. "WHO DARES DEFACE THE GREAT AND MIGHTY HIGH INQUISITOR OF WHITESTONE?"

"You're not High Inquisitor," Dib said, skeptically. "No such job exists."

"On the contrary, Mr… Dib," said Umbridge. "The position is in the process of being created, and, therefore, you are wrong. But you shall join Presea in detention, and you also lose fifty points. Now. On to your lesson."

"What lesson?" asked Hermione, angrily. "This is a joke, Professor! I can't believe they let you teach again, especially after what happened last time!"

"Silence, Miss Questions-Up-The-Wazoo!" snarled Umbridge, then, back in her sweet voice. "The Ministry of Whitestone Education had decreed that changes are needed in the realms of this fine Academy of learning. Because of my previous experience of bringing change to schools, they have hired me to prepare your delicate minds for the correct education that you so rightly deserve.

"It has always been the greatest joy of those at the Ministry of Education to ensure the proper teaching of students at all their educational institutions. In their eyes, Education comes before all. Education is what we thrive upon. Education is more important than anything you can ever hope to understand. Education is life. Education should be your religion, and you will practice it daily by meditating and repeating the phrase, 'education is—'"

"Nice try, Professor Umbridge," said Ginny. "But we're not falling for one of your long, boring speeches that are supposed to lure us into a false sense of security and/or unconsciousness. It didn't work for us in Hogwarts, and it won't work for you here. Now can we please learn some Math?"

"As you can see," said Umbridge, after a slight pause. "We have decided to take a new approach in Math. Because it is dangerous for your young minds, we will merely learn the formulas. Once you grasp the theory of these equations, you should be able to deal with them with no further—"

"Wait! We're not doing Math problems?" cried Genis.

"Why would we require such a thing?" asked the horrible Professor, her wide, slack mouth grinning once more.

"Gee, I don't know, so we can accurately utilize them?" suggested Genis in an obnoxious voice.

"As long as you grasp the concept…" began Umbridge.

"That won't do us any good!" Genis cried. "How will we be able to use them?"

"And where in this room do you feel you will need to use Math?" asked Umbridge.

"Well, if we get involved with the Matrices or Pythagorean Triangles…" Genis began, but was cut off.

"LIES!" Umbridge shouted, "THERE IS NO SUCH THING! Children, I am here to be your friend. If anyone spreads lies about this "Pythagorean" or these "Matrices" you speak of, come talk to me. I'm here to help. Now, open your new textpackets, Math in Theory and Nothing More Because It's Dangerous to Young Minds Otherwise and read Chapter 1: Why Addition Signs are Fatal. There will be no need to talk."

"This is so stupid," Genis muttered, opening his packet.

"Fifty points from your house! And detention! All week! All month! And no more leaving the campus or extra-curricular activities for you, Mr. Sage!" Umbridge roared.

"You know what?" Genis said, his anger rising. "Where is Raine? She didn't say anything about leaving me!"

"Your sister is away on her own business. You would do well to keep out of it," Umbridge said coldly.

"I'm out of here," said Genis.

He slammed the textpacket onto his desk, picked up his bag, and walked out. Everyone stared after him for a few minutes, and Umbridge looked as though she wanted to kill someone. So, everyone read the first of the dull, boring chapter, waiting for the class to end.

**Monday, January 2****nd****. 2:48 P. M. Campus.**

"I can't believe her! I can't believe she's back!" Harry shouted, throwing snow into the air with all his might (he knocked down six pigeons and made them land on top of various other students as they ran by).

"Well, yes, I'm rather surprised myself," said Hermione, as they waded through the deep snow. "But we have more important things to worry about right now."

"What could be more important than the tubby tyrant being back?" Ginny asked sullenly.

"We have to choose our Hi-Ougis in Weapon Appreciation!" Hermione exclaimed. "And if we're late, Professor Aurion is sure to cleave us in two!"

"How does he expect us to get there with all this snow, though?" asked Neville angrily as he got stuck in a particularly deep spot.

"Fly!" said Colette, who was soaring above with her horrible angel wings of seizure-inducingness.

"Yes, flying is so much fun!" Peaches squealed joyfully as she soared ahead, rockets sticking out of her feet.

Zim flew by on a carpet, which also carried Dib, Gaz, and Presea. Luna shot by a second later on her jetpack. Zelos and Tak were transported by Zelos' much cooler wings. Finally, soaring along in a hot air balloon was Girtrude, Gorfy, Sanchez, Ahkmed, and Sharifa-Latifah. Girtrude continued to sing "Come Josephine in My Flying Machine," until she was caught by a large gust of wind and thrown into a tree, which promptly blew up.

"I have never seen you all looking so miserable and pathetic," Kratos said. "You all disgust me some days. What's wrong now?"

"Professor Umbridge," replied Genis furiously. "She won't let us do Math, and I heard that in one of the Chem classes today she took away everything we could make things with and gave us another stupid textpacket."

"She says as long as we 'grasp the theory' of the equations and what they're supposed to do, we don't actually need to see the chemicals in action. Load of bull," said Zelos.

"I lost a hundred points," whined Lloyd.

Kratos slapped him across the face, knocking him to the floor. "I RAISED YOU BETTER THAN THAT!"

"No you didn't," Lloyd cried, broken and ashamed on the floor. "You abandoned me for like fifteen years!"

"… Oh yeah," said Kratos. "Well, anyway, while I don't approve of Dolores myself, I assume we'll just have to deal with her until Raine gets back. There is… nothing… we can do."

"Where did she go?" demanded Genis. "She never said anything to me about it!"

"This is true," said Kratos. "Nor I. We just received reports that she was going to be absent for an extended period of time and that she had hoped Professor Umbridge would takeover for her."

"I can't imagine Professor Sage wanting that horrible woman to take over!" Hermione cried. "There's something crooked going on here!"

"The only time this year I've agreed with you," Genis replied. "We need to find a way to figure this out."

"Not right now you don't," said Kratos. "You need to do your Hi-Ougis today."

"I already have mine," said Genis, "Remember?"

"I do. But it's not registered with Master Computer. Now… I do assume that all of you have made your decisions as to these Hi-Ougis, correct?"

"Yes, Professor Aurion," they chanted back.

"Good. Master Computer has been kind enough to set up this dandy machine that will help us with the Hi-Ougi. The first chamber will get you into the required Overlimit state that you need to be in to activate this ungodly powerful move. The second chamber will take your picture for the little bar that appears with your undoubtedly furious face. The final chamber is where you will perform the Hi-Ougi on a practice dummy. Who would like to go first?"

"Me!" Genis said, waving his hand around. "I need to go solve a mystery after this."

"Fine," said Kratos. "Genis, enter the first chamber."

"Yes, Sir," said Genis, doing so quickly. He was in and out within about three minutes, looking a little drained, but happy with himself.

"Genis, wait," said Hermione, dashing ahead. "I'll help you when I'm done."

"Alright, meet me in front of Professor Umbridge's room in ten minutes," said Genis, running out of the room with his stuff.

Hermione took slightly longer time, and she seemed more drained when she was done. She still smiled encouragingly to Harry and Ron before she left. Then, there was a pause in the movement. Nobody seemed to really want to go next.

"If you don't go, I'm going to choose someone," said Kratos. "Fine. You, there, Ginny. You go."

"Alright," added Ginny as she entered the chamber.

"Can we watch?" asked Tak.

"Yes, you may," said Kratos, kicking the machine violently.

The walls fell away to reveal Ginny in the first chamber, looking into a TV screen that had Umbridge saying things. She seemed unaware of everyone's presence as she moved into the second chamber with a black aura around her, the same Sheena had back in that battle with the MEDIA. She took a pose, her face screwed up in anger as her picture was taken. Her furious face flashed across the sight of those watching her, as the computer automatically applied some neat filters to make it look even more epic.

Then, she moved into the final chamber. She listened to the computers' instructions, and took a pose, the black aura around her. She raised her wand, muttered something, and caused a deep fissure in the ground. Fire erupted from it, flying around her and into the air. As it came together above her, the picture she had taken moments ago flashed across the screen, and disappeared. She sent all the fire right into one of the dummies, causing a huge explosion.

"Wow. Remind me never to piss your sister off, okay?" Harry said as she emerged, grinning tiredly.

"Ditto," said Ron.

"I'll go next," said Tak, adding. "Professor Sage taught me this one. Before she went away."

She entered the first chamber, watching something that she artfully blocked. She went into Overlimit relatively quickly. She moved into the second chamber and quickly took a picture, one that was surprisingly furious for Tak. Finally, she walked into the third chamber. She focused on one of the untouched dummies and began to chant, though hers was different than Raine's.

"Fairies and sprites that dance in the night," she said in her cool, calm voice. "Resound in a holy chorus of exorcism! Fairy Circle!"

Around the dummy, fairies began to circle out of the central area, leaving a sparkling trail behind them. The ground had a very complex magical patter on it, one that was obviously used for healing purposes.

"Heavenly protection to us," said Tak, her voice rougher. "And punishment to those who oppose us!"

The ground let loose a bright flash of light, which healed Tak and damaged the dummies repeatedly. When it ended, Tak tossed her hair back playfully and left the chamber, looking drained, but happy.

"Have you decided, Gaz?" asked Presea as the two moved closer to the machine.

"Meh," Gaz replied, furiously playing with the GameSlave Advance.

"I have an idea for one, if you need it," said Presea. "It's called—"

"REPPA ENSHOUGI!" Iggins screeched from the machine, making the ground burst.

"What? That… that's one of mine!" Presea shouted, a fire in her eyes.

"I know," said Iggins haughtily as he left the machine, "But you had no claims to it other than the game, so I took the chance and went with it. That's how I beat—"

"Professor Aurion," said Presea, her voice shaking a little bit with anger, "Can I practice on Iggins?"

"Sure," said Kratos, who was still yelling at Lloyd, who was sobbing.

"Thank you," said Presea, shooting into Overlimit straight away. Gaz threw Iggins back into the machine as Presea quickly got her picture.

Then she walked into the final chamber. She glared at Iggins, who cowered. She rushed at him, slamming her ax into the ground. Instead of speaking English, however, she started to shout in Japanese.

"Chiri to kashinasai!" she shouted as the ax dove into the ground. A power surrounded it, and she violently withdrew it with a cry of, "Kore de..."

She soared to the top of the chamber. The end of her ax glowed brightly as she charged it up. When she had gained enough power, she continued with, "Owari desu!"

Then, she came swinging down with it, turning completely over once. As she did so, she shouted, "HIEN!"

The ax jammed into the ground, causing a large crack again. Then, as she screamed, "MESSHOUJIN!" the ground began to erupt at a high rate, slamming Iggins repeatedly with rocks, stone, and fire. Finally, there was an almighty explosion, and Iggins was thrown back as the ground exploded. Presea stood back, and then held her ax to her side.

"Toki wa modoranai," she said in a much more mellow voice, a second picture floating down the side. "Sore ga sizen no setsuri."

"Wow," was all Dib could manage.

"Never making her angry, either," Neville muttered in a small voice.

"I'm sorry that I couldn't give you my other move," said Presea to Gaz as she exited.

"It's alright, I've got my own idea now," said Gaz, entering the chamber. After she did her own "Abbadon Paroxysm," where basically the local space-time continuum shattered, Colette and Lloyd registered Holy Judgement and Falcon's Crest, respectively. Harry followed them with a slightly predictable, "Justice Wave" where he used the power of his scar to send out a wave of light and power that would likely slash through and hurt enemies greatly. Ron was next.

"I've got a good one," he said, entering the chamber. He watched a short video where Professor Umbridge said things, and he was soon in Overlimit himself. He walked into the next room, and was immediately attacked by Pigwidgeon.

"No! You stupid bird!" Ron shouted, lunging for the tiny owl as the picture was taken. The owl fluttered into the next room where he slammed into a dummy.

"PIGWIDGEON!" Ron shouted, grabbing him. "Get out of here, I need to get my Hi-Ougi done…"

"Hi-Ougi registered as… 'PIGWIDGEON!'" Master Computer said.

"What? Wait! No, I'm not done!" Ron cried. "That was a mistake."

"Too bad," said Master Computer. "You get one shot, that's it. Go away now."

"Sod off," Ron hissed, walking away (he was struck by a lightning bolt, much like those in the Health room).

"I remind the remaining students that we have merely five more minutes, so those of you that don't finish will have to stay into your next class to finish your Hi-Ougi registration," Kratos reminded them.

"Me next!" cried Girtrude, running into the machine before anyone could stop her. "Okay… okay… now…"

She suddenly made her eyes turn red. She went into the next room and got her picture, though she faltered a bit and went blue when the picture was taken. So, she ran into the final chamber, ready to go and back in her red pose. She jumped high into the air.

"Now you shall feel the true pain that I can inflict when I—" Girtrude began to shout in her angry voice, but then she shot back into blue mode and grinned happily and gleefully, saying, "AHAHAHA! RAINING COWS!"

Suddenly, all around the chamber, cows began to plummet from the sky. They landed on the dummies and pretty much squashed them. Girtrude landed back on the ground, giggled, and left the chamber and the classroom very quickly. The rest of the remaining students stared for a few seconds before continuing.

Neville took a while longer to Overlimit, and his picture was a little sloppy and pathetic-looking. However, he had a decent Hi-Ougi: "MEDIA Swarm!" A bunch of MEDIA, who had seemed to have adopted Neville as their leader, came out of nowhere and violently dismembered a dummy. Zelos registered Divine Judgement next, and Zim used "Irken Rage," a Hi-Ougi that made him get really big and scary looking, and tear anything apart in his path. By the time the bell rang, only Luna, Dib, and Sheena remained.

"I have no idea what to do for mine," said Dib as Luna walked into the machine.

"I don't, either," said Sheena. "I don't' just want to use my Summons… and we're going to be late for Science. Professor Umbridge will not like this…"

"No, she won't. Wait, what is Luna staring at?" asked Dib.

Luna was sitting in the chamber, staring at the TV. On the screen was a bowl of Ramen, cooking in the microwave. Luna continued to stare at it, a vein in her head twitching. Finally, the black aura shot around her, and she was in Overlimit. She moved into the next chamber, looking murderous.

"Okay," said Dib. "I'll just register mine later."

"Me, too," said Sheena. "Bye!"

**Monday, January 2****nd****. 4:01 P. M. Science Classroom.**

**House Point Totals: Fence: -202/Typhoid – 329/Iko Iko -1/Potato: 33**

"You're late, Mr. Membrane and Miss Fujisalami," twittered Umbridge as the two walked in a minute late. "I cannot allow students to be late for my lessons. Twenty points from each of you."

"No fair!" cried Dib. "We were held up in Weapons Appreciation!"

"Don't worry, dear boy," said Umbridge in a friendly voice, "That scary class will not be here much longer; children should not be allowed to handle large, sharp objects. It may hurt their fragile souls."

"By the way, my last name is Fujibayashi," said Sheena flatly.

"Are you saying I don't know how to do my job?" asked Umbridge in a dangerous voice.

"No, you just mis-pronounced it," said Sheena, taking a step back.

"GOOD!" shouted Umbridge. "Because you're not better than me! I am the Queen of Whitestone! I am the one who shall rule you all! I am-!"

She was hit in the face with another sticky dart at that point. Gaz quickly put the GSA in her bag, and looked around innocently. Umbridge seemed to collect herself and then smiled happily.

"Beakers away, pens out. We will be taking notes on equations and why they're not good for society—"

"This is a bunch of crap," said Genis. "Come on, Hermione, we're out of here."

"Agreed," said Hermione, leaving. They were joined by Presea, Gaz, and Luna (who thought class was over).

"YOU'RE ALL IN DETENTION FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIVES!" Umbridge shouted. A final dart hit her in the eye, and she squealed in pain, rolling around the classroom.

**A week later… Tuesday, January 10. 8:33 P. M. Health Classroom.**

**House Point Totals: Fence: -6483/Typhoid: -2828/Iko Iko: -4545/Potato: -3063**

The first week of Umbridge passed with increasing tension amongst the students. The Saturday detention was filled to capacity with students, each in for a usually minor offense. The only ones not to get detention were the ones who had walked out of the first Science class, and then refused to actually attend any Umbridge lessons. The tubby tyrant had yet to stalk them out to find them. It Fifth Year for Harry and company all over again, including the detentions.

These detentions had been upgraded. You still had to write lines in your own blood (though the skin was now taken off your forehead; not your hand), but there were other things you had to do as well. Umbridge would make people clean her office, make fliers supporting her Anti-Part-Human club, and, worst of all, watch movies to the climax, and then turn them off. Luna had the special job of making Ramen for Umbridge every other hour on the hour, and she was about three bowls away from the insanity ward by Tuesday.

Students attempted to resist her in various ways. Some went out of their way to cause minor trouble for Umbridge (they were immediately found out, however, and punished). Some tried to escape the school, only to be tackled by Umbridge as she dove out of a closet. Hermione and Genis had attempted to start up the M. C., a nod to the D. A. where students could go to learn about Math and Chemistry, but nobody joined and they disbanded two days later.

On Tuesday night, Presea and Gaz approached Hermione and Genis in the Library. Many shelves had been covered in a lot of duct tape, preventing most books from being read because they were "dangerous." The basic picture books left behind were of no help to anyone, and anytime Ms. Bitters entered the room, her skin would begin to burn violently and she would have to go relax in her Secret Room.

"We have some information for you," said Presea. "We think you're going to like it."

"How do you figure?" asked Hermione as she solved a Quadratic Formula under the table.

"We found our Espionage stuff from when the Military was here," said Gaz. "If you'll agree to a trade, we'll help you."

"A trade? Money?" asked Genis.

"No. Something of equal value to this must be paid to us when the time comes. Remember what Yuko Ichihara said in xxxHolic about the universe being at equilibrium," said Presea, holding up one of the small books Ms. Bitters had given to them in Social Study on Friday.

"Right, right," said Genis. "What do you need?"

"We might know why Raine disappeared. We will help you get to the bottom of this, but it's going to be very risky. It involves invading Umbridge's office," Gaz said.

"Oh no…" Hermione muttered faintly, remembering the last time she and some others had tried to invade the privacy of Umbridge's office.

"Also, we've sent our correspondent to Raine's office to gather evidence and clues," said Presea. "We hope it will turn out okay."

"Alright," Hermione said, resigning herself to the inevitable. "Let's go."

**Same Day, 9:30 P. M. The Air Ducts of Whitestone's Building A.**

The four students made their way as silently as possible into the ventilation system of the school. With Umbridge "teaching" Healing Magic, they thought their path would be simple and eventless. They were right; the only close call coming from a small incident where Hermione turned left and almost got eaten by a fan. Finally, they were over Umbridge's office.

"How do we get down there?" whispered Hermione.

Presea punched the covering that lead to the office, sending the metal screen to the area below. It slammed down on Umbridge's desk, and something glass and fragile shattered. With a taciturn sigh, Presea leapt down after it, followed by Gaz. Hermione and Genis repelled down, landing softly on the ground.

"Look for anything you can find that would lead to our finding out Umbridge's secret plans," said Hermione, opening a desk drawer. Inside were a bunch of revealing love letters between Dolores Umbridge and Cornelius Fudge, and Hermione quickly withdrew her hand, looking repulsed.

"We're going to leave you two for a moment," said Gaz. "If we were to help you search, you wouldn't be able to afford our services."

"Alright," said Genis. "Just warn us when Umbridge is coming back."

"Will do," said Presea, as she and Gaz jumped back into the ventilators.

"So, what is it exactly that we're looking for?" asked Genis.

"I don't know," said Hermione, digging through Umbridge's chest of drawers, knocking aside sweater after horrible sweater.

"What about this?" Genis suggested. "I think it's a map of Whitestone…"

"You're right," said Hermione, glancing over his shoulder. "What has she done to it?"

"It looks as though she was going to turn this into a factory and a bed and breakfast," said Genis. "And we would be the slaves…"

"Oh my God!" Hermione cried, finding a list of students and the jobs they would supposedly have. "She had me down as a janitor! That foul, evil, loathsome—"

"What about me?" asked Genis, jumping up to look.

"Steward. Oh, look, Lloyd's a barber," said Hermione, scanning the list. "Ron's a maid… Harry cleans the machinery… all the other guys pretty much work in the factory…"

"What kind of factory?" asked Genis.

"Oh my God," Hermione breathed. "The most horrible kind of factory on the face of the earth."

Genis took one look at the title and his face paled, "How could she?" he whispered. "That woman was trying to take our souls… just like the Military…"

"What is it with people and wanting to take souls?" complained Hermione. "First Colette, and then Presea, then all of us…"

"We don't need to know why," Genis quickly argued. "Hurry up, we've got to get out of here before—"

_Hem Hem_.

The two turned slowly and found Umbridge glowering at them. She was holding her short, stubby wand in her hand and was smirking like she had never done before. Behind her, a couple of robot house elves dragged in Lloyd and Ron, both looking harassed.

"Well, well, well," said Umbridge, her voice the sickening-honey type everyone dreaded. "I was expecting to expel just two troublemakers, and now I get to do three!"

"There's four of us," pointed out Genis unhelpfully.

"SILENCE!" shouted Umbridge. "DO NOT QUESTION MY METHODS!"

"You sound like Professor Verminstrasser," said Hermione, eyebrow raised.

"AND YOU, MISS GRANGER!" Umbridge shouted. "I would have thought you'd learned your lesson before, but even you are too stupid to realize—"

"_Don't_ call her stupid!" Genis hissed, waving his hands around. "She's way smarter than you will ever be. FIREBALL!"

He quickly fired three fireballs at his teacher, but Umbridge quickly blocked them. She smirked at him, her voice taunting him.

"Stupid boy. You should know that I am superior. You, as a part-human, would never understand my great powers. I can block anything you throw at me. I—"

Hermione, who had maneuvered behind her, waved her wand and stunned the tyrant. She smiled at Genis, and imitated Umbridge by saying, "I am PWNED!"

"Wow, Hermione," Genis said, faintly. "That was… scary and fun at the same time."

"Agreed. Let's get out of here," said Hermione. "We gotta rendezvous with the others…"

"What about us?" whined Lloyd.

"Deal with it yourself," Genis replied. "We've got a date with some friends."

The two leapt into the ventilation system, though aided by Gaz and Presea, neither of whom explained the lack of warning for Umbridge's arrival. Back through the ventilation they moved, wondering if the crazy teacher had woken up yet. When they finally reached the area to Professor Sage's office, it was Gaz who kicked out the cover this time, allowing the four to drop to the ground. Luna sat in a chair, playing with the GameSlave Advance. She smiled as they arrived, and stood up, handing it to Gaz.

"I got past Level 284," said Luna. "I found the error in your strategy. You wanted the Class 43A Rocket, not Class 43B. The zombies are immune to 43B."

"How did I not realize this?" Gaz muttered to herself, frowning at the game.

"Luna," Hermione asked, quickly. "Did you find anything?"

"I did, actually," said Luna, "I found this herb, some little dust bunnies, aren't they cute? Oh, and this bowl of… ugh… Ramen…"

"A bowl of Ramen?" asked Hermione, flatly. "What does that have to do with anything?"

"I don't know. But I feel… angry…" said Luna. "Excuse me while I go… over there…"

She wandered away to a closet, shut the door, and screamed blue murder. After a moment of silence, she returned, smiling joyfully, though carefully avoiding the bowl. The others stared at her for a moment, before returning to the clues they had found.

"Seriously, though, why was there a bowl of Ramen in here? Is it for Umbridge?" asked Hermione. "There's no other purpose it could serve…"

"No," said Genis, a thought dawning on him. "I just remembered something Raine told me! You guys, this is a message, from Raine. I need to cast Eruption on it, stand back…"

The girls moved as far away from the bowl as possible. Genis began to focus, casting the moderately powerful fire spell on the bowl. Just as he expected, the bowl held together, and a holographic picture of Raine appeared above the smoldering noodles.

"Wow, Genis," said Hermione. "Where'd you learn that?"

"Raine taught me," said Genis, proudly. "It has something to do with the interaction of the Ramen and Symphonian Fire."

"She speaks," said Presea, pointing.

"Hello? Can you hear me?" Raine's hologram was saying. "If you're reading this, Genis, it means you remembered what I told you. I'm very proud of you, sixty points to Typhoid."

"Awesome!" Genis cried, slapping a high-five to Hermione.

"This also means I'm in trouble. Stand by while the noodles process the situation that I am in…"

"How long will that take?" asked Hermione.

"About five minutes," said Genis. "Do you hear something?"

"I do," said Hermione. "What's going on outside?"

The group walked to the nearest window and gasped. Outside, on a platform, were Lloyd and Ron. Umbridge, with a large bump on her head and a bandage on her nose, was standing between them. The rest of the school slowly assembled, curious as to what the ruckus was about.

"Hurry, noodles!" Genis pleaded to the bowl.

"What's she doing?" asked Hermione to Gaz.

"She's publicly expelling and executing them," said Gaz. "It's horrible to watch. I wish she'd do it to Iggins…"

"No!" cried Hermione. "Genis, we've got to do something!"

"There!" Genis exclaimed, as Raine continued to explain.

"Okay. Genis, here's what happened. It was about a week ago, and I was approached by a short, fat woman who had bad hair and a short wand."

"That's Umbridge for sure," said Hermione.

"Anyway, here's what happened..." Raine said, quickly relaying her story.

Meanwhile, Umbridge was giving yet another longwinded speech to the tired students of Whitestone. The other Professors stood intermittently throughout the crowd, each wearing a scowl heavier than the previous. Umbridge finally concluded her speech, to which nobody clapped. Not bothered by this in the least, she smirked to Ron and Lloyd.

"I will now begin the public expulsions of them, which goes along with the execution," said Umbridge.

"On what charge are these students expelled?" asked Regal.

"Anti-Social conduct. I believe Potter was involved as well," said Umbridge with more than a hint of superiority.

"Wrong answer," said Ginny. "He was with me!"

"Yeah! We were there, too!" Zelos called. "Back of, lady! You are so not one of my hunnies anymore."

"I'm broken up about it," Umbridge replied with no sadness at all. "Now, I think we shall start… CRUCIO!"

Lloyd fell to the ground, screaming and twitching. It was beyond any pain that he had ever felt in his life. He rolled around, trying to get away, but Umbridge cackled hysterically as she made him fall of the platform. Colette ran out of nowhere, trying to help him, and Umbridge stunned her, causing her to fall to the ground.

"MAUHAHAHAHA!" she shouted. "Now, Weasley, it's your turn!"

"Oh hell…" Ron muttered bracing for the impact.

Just as Umbridge readied herself, she caught movement in the corner of her eye. She turned just in time to be met by someone's food crashing into her face. Raine was back, and she was livid, way into Overlimit.

"You… WHORE!" Raine shouted. "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? YOU LOCK ME UP, HIDE ME IN A CLOSET, AND FEED ME NOTHING BUT CARROTS! I'll have you know, I've got half mind to kill you right where you stand."

"Your magic won't do anything to me, half-human!" shouted Umbridge.

"That's the nicest thing I've ever been called," replied Raine.

"Even nicer than cold-hearted witch?" Sheena called.

"Shut up, Sheena," Raine snarled back.

"Aye, ma'am," said Sheena, fearing retribution.

"Now… I would love nothing more than to bludgeon you to a pulp with my staff, but I have these students to attend to. Instead, I'll let someone else do it, someone who has suffered way more than I."

"And who might that be?" asked Umbridge, flatly.

"Luna! Look!" Raine shouted. "We have a present for you!"

"What is it? Is it Ecuador?" Luna asked, rushing forward happily.

"No, better. NOW, GIRTRUDE!" Raine commanded.

"YAY! RAY-MEN!" shouted Girtrude, chucking thirty packets of noodles at Luna, who froze.

"It's pronounced RAH-MEN!" shouted Gaz.

Meanwhile, Luna was hit repeatedly in the face with the Ramen. She looked down and saw them lying at her feet. Instantly, her eyes turned a horrifying red, and the black aura surrounded her. She was in Overlimit once again.

"NOW YOU'VE DONE IT!" she cried, her voice hard and cold, unlike anything they'd ever heard before.

It was as though everyone had found themselves floating in space at this point. Umbridge, horrified, couldn't move. Luna took her wand, pointed it towards the nearest planet, and stole one of the moons. This she held above her head, and began to twirl it around.

"NOW FACE MY WRATH AND THE WRATH OF A THOUSAND MOONS!" Luna shouted, the horrifying, red-eyed anime cut-out coming in.

"Nooooo!" Umbridge shrieked, turning to run.

"LUNAR JUDGEMENT!" Luna shouted, flying towards Umbridge. She and the moon collided with the teacher, resulting in the most enormous explosion since the Big Bang itself.

Genis and Hermione watched from the sidelines as this was going on. They smiled happily as Umbridge was hit, barely flinching as debris from the explosion flew past them.

"You know… you're pretty cool after all," said Hermione.

"Yeah, you too. I guess Traditional Magic is good in tight spots," said Genis.

"Although Symphonian magic has its quirks," Hermione concurred, smiling at Genis.

"That is true," said Genis, meeting her eyes. They stared at each other for half a minute, smiling in a lost sort of way.

"Look! I knew it!" Lloyd said from his position on the ground as Raine tended to him, "I knew they'd wind up together!"

"How sweet and cliché!" said Sheena happily.

"Although," said Hermione. "It's still quite slow and not useful in as many situations as Traditional."

"Oh yeah?" Genis retorted. "At least I didn't nearly get chopped up by a fan in the vents!"

"Oh, we're gonna start that now, huh? If it wasn't for me, we would have never known how to defeat Umbridge!"

"Yes but, you know what? It was Luna who defeated Umbridge!" Genis shouted back.

"Why, you little—" Hermione hissed.

"That's better," said Lloyd, reclining as Professor Sage bandaged his left leg.

"Everyone, look," said Gaz. "Umbridge is… melting…"

Indeed, she was. From the huge crater left by the moon's impact, Umbridge's skin seemed to be melting. Below it was a robot. Everyone stared at it for a moment as it shorted out and exploded. Master Computer and Peaches suddenly flew out of nowhere, with Master Computer landing on top of it first.

"DIBS!" he cried on the parts.

"Dammit!" swore Peaches, "You big jerk!"

She flew away sobbing. Everyone else stared for a few minutes, and then retreated back to their dorms. Now that Raine was back, everyone knew she'd be in a fury about so much missed class time, and nobody wanted to be around when she began to assign the make-up homework. Meanwhile, Luna sat in a tree, smiling evilly at building with Umbridge's office, which slowly burned and produced the smell of Ramen.

**From Peaches' Mind: (June 2011)**

**HEEEY GUYS! : ). I'm so happy that we found out that we didn't kill the real Umbridge; that would have been a lot of paper work! Although I'm mad at Master Computer for stealing all the spare parts, I guess I can get over it for now. Anyway… next chapter is February! Valentine's Day! I can't wait, everyone's going to fall in love! And we might even see some unexpected pairings. I can't wait, it just makes me so happy to see everyone so happy and gleeful! Let's just hope we don't all randomly get launched into space, that wouldn't make me happy at all… so stay tuned for Lovey-Dovy Joy Next Time!**

**From Gaz's Mind:  
Oh my God kill me please.**


	11. Chapter 11: Whitestone Idol

**From Zim's Mind: (June 2011)**

**Hello, puny earth waste! I am ZIIIIIIIIIIM! And I am here to introduce the next "chapter" of this "story," which will ultimately be the chronicle of my defeat of these pathetic humans. It is February on this planet, a time of… ugh… LOVE… and… CHEER… and that stupid robot suit Peaches is trying to make us all happy and… GARH! SHE'S THE FIRST TO GO! So… sit back, and enjoy this WONDERFUL chapter of DOOOOOOM!**

**From Girtrude's Mind:**

**YAY! CANDYCANES!**

Chapter 11: Whitestone Idol

It was three weeks to the day after Professor Umbridge had been proven to be a robot. Later tests from Raine, Regal, and Genis confirmed that it was not actually Umbridge, but a generic copy turned into a robot. This worried many as it meant the real Umbridge was still out there and that she could attack them at any time. Still, the plans for her factory of misery were stopped, and Master Computer upgraded himself with some of the parts salvaged after Luna dropped a moon on her.

As the snow began to melt a little bit (down to four feet), the atmosphere in the school changed. It became much more cheerful and friendly, something that made Peaches and Colette very happy while sickening Ms. Bitters and Countess von Verminstrasser. There was another announcement to be found on the Friday before Valentine's Day weekend, and it was one that made everyone go, "OMGBOLIVIA!"

**February 12****th****, Friday. 1:39 P. M. Traditional Magic Classroom.**

**HOUSEPOINTS: Fence – 250/Typhoid – 420/Iko Iko – 399/Potato – 382**

"That was a truly pathetic observational performance from Potter," said Snape. "Though I hardly expected anything better, ten points from Fence."

"Well, Professor," said Harry, teeth clenched and speaking very slowly. "If you had told me that you didn't want me to attack the Harpy, I would not have done so."

"Potter, do I have to walk you through everything in this classroom?" Snape asked angrily. "If that is the case, then we're all going to have a very difficult year ahead of us."

"Thank God it's halfway over," Ron muttered.

"What was that, Weasley?" Snape demanded dangerously.

"Nothing, sir," said Ron sheepishly.

A loud beep interrupted the lesson. Right after came the voice of Peaches, who was apparently doing the announcements. Everyone groaned; Peaches on the announcements always gave them a feeling that little pieces of perkiness were stabbing them in the neck.

"Good afternoon, everyone," she chirped. "I have a very awesome special announcement today! We're going to be have a guest at Whitestone, one who was brought here entirely of his own free will. I think. Well, Master Computer told me that, so I'll just agree.

"Anyway, tomorrow and Sunday, we're going to be having a contest. I'm sure many of you have watched the semi-popular TV show American Idol? Well, we have with us, on this very campus… THE SIMON MAN! YAY!"

A few people exchanged glances at this. Simon Cowell coming to Whitestone of his own free will? Yeah. Okay. Then again, that also meant that it was very likely they were going to have their own version of American Idol, which was exactly what Peaches said next.

"We're going to be having our own version of American Idol!" she cried. "Isn't that great? The judges will be Simon, of course, and myself. Ms. Bitters has volunteered to be the third judge. Won't that be awesome?"

This got a lot of people excited for real. Many of the girls realized that this could be their chance to become big, singing sensations; many guys thought this would be a way to win the hearts of girls for Valentine's Day. The entire class began to talk at once, while Peaches recited the information about signing up and when times would take place, as well as the fact that the duel competition scheduled for the month had been postponed to May. Snape was not amused.

"ALRIGHT!" he shouted. "Since you call cannot keep yourselves quiet for the class's end, your homework shall be… six potions! By Monday. No excuses. Class dismissed!"

"THE HORROR!" Iggins wailed. "WHY?"

"Shut up," said Gaz, hitting him in the back of the head with an oar.

"Where'd you get that oar?" asked Sheena.

"Internet," replied Gaz flatly before she followed Presea to the outside.

**LATER THAT AFTERNOON… **

"How have your bi-weekly job training missions been going?" Raine asked everyone after they had finished their Science class.

"I don't know," said Hermione, frowning. "I go to mine and I immediately forget what it is."

"Why?" asked Ron.

"I didn't want to know what I was going to be, but I also wanted to pass Careers," said Hermione, "So, we compromised with a forgetting spell."

"I… hate… children..." Gaz muttered, "So very much."

"I have made adequate progress in my training," Presea chimed in.

"Well, of course, I have done wonderfully on my new job placement area," said Tak. "And Zelos' singing career is on the upshot, right honey?"

"Of course, precious," said Zelos with a sloppy look on his face.

"I really love being a Vet!" Colette said, smiling. "It's so nice to be able to help small animals."

"Hey, Lloyd, how is being a barber?" asked Genis, smugly.

"It's stupid," Lloyd replied, flatly,. "I hate it. I'm not going to be a bloody barber!"

"You be talkin' like the leprechauns!" Girtrude exclaimed. "Marry her!"

She threw Sharifah-Latifah at him. The gigantic rubber duck crushed Lloyd. Everyone stared for a few seconds.

"Well," said Raine, ignoring Lloyd's moans of pain. "I trust to see all of you at Whitestone Idol tomorrow, correct?"

"No, Professor," said Neville, "I've opted not to do it."

"Same," said Genis and Harry at the same time.

"Well," said Raine. "You should come watch. I'm sure it'll be very… er… uplifting."

"False," said Gaz, flatly.

**Saturday, February 13****th****. 1:03 P. M. New Whitestone Auditorium.**

"GOOOOOOOOOOD AFTERNOON!" cried Peaches to the packed auditorium.

"Hi," everyone replied in a lackluster way.

"I am so excited for this wonderful chance to hear all the talent from our dear students!" cried Peaches, "I can't wait to get started, so let's meet our judges. Ms. Bitters, myself, and… THE SIMON MAN!"

Everyone cheered as the judges assumed their seats. Simon, looking confused and slightly irritated, glared around at everyone. Ms. Bitters, wearing her Grim Reaper outfit once more, glared and grinded her teeth at everyone. And Peaches smiled happily around the room, before commencing.

"We have a ton of songs lined up for you today," she said. "And first up… singing Bohemian Rhapsody… LLOYD IRVING!"

"This should be interesting," said Harry from the audience. "What do you guys think?"

"I think we're going to be seeing him choke," said Genis. "He was practicing all last night. It was very tragic."

"How so?" asked Neville, curiously.

"Watch," replied Genis in a pained voice.

"Hi, I'm Lloyd," Lloyd said, staring at the crowd. "And… uh… I'm… uh going to sing now, okay?"

The music began and Lloyd began to sing. It was instantly apparent that he did not have any sense of tone, nor did he even know the lyrics. By far, the worst part of the song was when he sang, "I'm just a Porsche; nobody likes trees!" as opposed to "I'm just a poor boy, nobody loves me." Finally, Simon had enough.

"That was, without a doubt, the most wretched thing I have ever heard! If you would like my advice, I would suggest you learn your lyrics before attempting to sing the song," he said.

"HORRIBLE!" was all Ms. Bitters shouted.

"Don't worry, Lloyd," said Peaches. "At least barbers don't need to know how to sing well!"

"I'M NOT GOING TO BE A BARBER!" Lloyd shouted, and then he ran off the stage to cry in a small, dark room.

"Next up… with Every Time We Touch, Slow Version… TAK!" Peaches clapped.

"Hey guys," Tak said, assuming the microphone,. "This is one of my favorite songs in the world. This one goes out to you, honey!"

The piano in the background began to play, and Tak began to sing. Her voice seemed to melt around the notes, gracefully rising and falling, becoming more and more powerful as the song went on. By the end of it, more than a few girls in the audience had tears in their eyes, and Peaches was sobbing onto Ms. Bitters' shoulder.

"That was WONDERFUL!" cried Peaches. "It was beautiful!"

"Decent," Ms. Bitters said, nodding to Tak.

"You, my dear, this thing," Simon said, "And we in the business like to call it… _talent_. Good show!"

"Thank you," Tak said happily as the whole auditorium erupted in cheers, screams, and joyness. She gracefully left the stage, hiding the evil smirk that came to her face.

"Now we have Girtrude!" Peaches shouted happily. "And she's going to sing a song called… oh my…"

"HIYA!" Girtrude called, "Okay… ready…? OKAY!"

To their horror, she began to sing a song that they all recognized with a deep pain in their souls. However, Girtrude had chosen not to start at the beginning, but in the refrain. This caused much discomfort, but no more than from Ms. Bitters and Zim, who was backstage.

"DON'TCHA WISH YOUR GIRLFRIEND WAS HOT LIKE ME? DON'TCHA WISH YOUR GIRLFRIEND WAS A FREAK LIKE ME? DON'TCHA, DON'TCHA, DON'TCHA WISH YOUR GIRLFRIEND WAS RAW LIKE ME? DON'TCHA WISH YOUR GIRLFRIEND WAS FUN LIKE ME? DON'TCHA—"

"Dear God, please stop!" Simon cried, "I have nothing else to say to that."

"You caused much misery with that song. But it still was a misery. FAILED!" Ms. Bitters roared, pointing dramatically to Girtrude.

"Well… um… at least… you'll never sing that again," was all Peaches could say.

"MARRY HIM!" shouted Girtrude, throwing Ahkmed at Peaches. Peaches ducked, and the gigantic stuffed wail slammed into the sands, crushing the first three rows.

"Next up," said Peaches. "We have Ginny Weasley singing Runaway by Groove Coverage!"

"Good afternoon, all," Ginny said. "I hope you like this."

As the music began to play, Ginny danced with the music. She had excellent stage presence, and she had the crowd up and dancing right along with her. There were not as many lyrics, so she only did the first half. When she finished, she received applause that rivaled Tak's.

"That was amazing, Ginny!" Peaches simpered. "You really got the energy up in here."

"I feel oddly revitalized. PASSED!" Ms. Bitters judged.

"Ginny," said Simon, leaning forward. "There are two types of successful singers in this world. There are those who can sing well enough... and then there are those who know when and when NOT to move to a song. You have found the perfect mix between these two, and I am deeply impressed."

"Thank you," said Ginny grinning. She found Harry in the audience and waved to him, winking.

"Okay, our fourth contestant is Dib Membrane, singing It's My Life," said Peaches. "Let's give him a round of applause for even attempting this."

"Hey!" Dib said. "I'm not that bad…"

"I can't believe he's really doing this," Gaz muttered from backstage. "Then again, I can't believe I am either. Stupid Dad and his, 'be a starlet' speech…"

The music began and Dib began to move to the music. As the song began, he seemed to find a new power that nobody expected. What was more shocking was that he sang the song well. He found a slightly higher pitch, and made loud and expressive. By the time he was done, everyone's eyes were about the size of a dinner plate from shock. He stood there, dumbfounded, as the whole place erupted in cheers and shocked whistles.

"I never knew you were such a singer!" cried Peaches. "Excellent show!"

"Dib, you may actually be a future person," said Ms. Bitters. "But I still doubt it. PASS!"

"Dib, you have the voice for that song," said Simon. "It was definitely a good choice for you. I am concerned, however, that you may not be able to sing well for other genres. Still, if you plan to stay in that sort of music, you're good to go."

"Thanks… I think," said Dib, wondering if the feedback he received was good or bad.

"Excellent job, Dib," said Colette happily when Dib went backstage. "I only hope I can be as good."

"I'm sure you'll do fine," said Dib, smiling and blushing.

"COLETTE BRUNNEL!" Peaches cried. "She shall be our next contestant!"

"Oh dear!" Colette gasped, running off. "Thanks Dib, see you later!"

When she made it on stage, her music had already started. She caught her breath and began to sing along with 's "Butterfly." Her voice was just perfect: high pitched, perky, and excited. When she was done, everyone applauded and cheered for her, and she smiled.

"That was BEAUTIFUL!" gushed Peaches, "I just got the song downloaded to my Hard Drive! You're an awesome singer!"

"That was too perky," grouched Ms. Bitters. "However, you were sufficiently annoying enough. You pass."

"Colette, darling, same thing I told Dib," Simon said, bracingly. "You've got the voice for these kinds of songs, but I'm not sure if you could manage to do a multi-genre singing career. Stick to the joy and wonder, and you should be happy and successful, okay?"

"Got it!" Colette said, skipping away (she tripped over a wire and knocked a light down onto the stage).

"And now we have… Ron Weasley, singing 'Stacy's Mom!'" Peaches said happily, and then something clicked in her mind and she looked rather startled; then frightened. Around the auditorium, everyone froze. Ron came to the stage in utter silence.

He got about eight lines in before Simon told him that he had the talent of a dead cow and that his stage presence was also exceptionally lacking. Ms. Bitters merely shook her head. Peaches could no longer make noises with her voice, so she just gave a thumbs-down. Ron left the stage quickly, dodging boos and trash projectiles.

"Okay, moving on…" Peaches said, finally getting her voice back. "Iggins will be singing Boulevard of Broken Dreams… eek, that's mildly depressing."

When Iggins sang, they only let him get about ½ way into the first verse. Simon shut him down, saying his voice was too high-pitched for the song. Ms. Bitters said that he was trying too hard to be emo and that he should just go and throw himself into the side of a volcano. Peaches didn't say anything, though she looked upset. When she regained herself, she introduced the next person.

"Next up," she said. "We have Zelos Wilder singing 'Eye of the Tiger.'"

The girls in the audience went wild. Tak cheered and whistled from about the third row back, clapping furiously. Zelos, in yet another outfit that was a little disturbing and revealing, took the stage. The song was the perfect one for him; he could get his voice just high enough to match the first person to sing it. Like Ginny, he had the crowd really into it, too, and his song was punctured by intermittent female shrieks of ecstasy.

"Not bad," Simon said, earning boos from the crowd. "Hey! Wait and let me explain… I admit, your stage presence is barely rivaled by anyone else here, but your voice is just a little bit lacking. Still, your flashy moves make up for it slightly."

"Syphilis," Ms. Bitters said, nodding.

"That's like, one of my favorite songs in the whole world!" cried Peaches. "Thank you for singing it for me!"

"I sang it for all my hunnies," said Zelos, bowing graciously and leaving.

"Okay," Peaches read. "Next we have… Gaz Membrane. She's singing Ugly Girl."

Gaz walked out onstage to only a few people's clapping. Ms. Bitters also put her hands together twice and then quickly resumed her normal stance. As the music played, Gaz sang along. Although she wasn't really… singing, per say. It was more of a furious talk along with the words, stressing a few here and there, her left eye bulging out as she did so.

"I'm an UGLY girl… my face makes you HURL…" she "sang."

"I hate this song," muttered Neville to Harry, who nodded.

"Acne everywhere… unwanted facial HAIR… I'm a RELATION to FRANKENSTEIN'S CREATION…" Gaz said.

"This is miserable," said Genis. "This song is retarded from the beginning, but I can't help but want to gouge out my hammer bones."

"Me too," Raine agreed.

"You're a DOG… and a TROLL… were you HIT by a TRAIN?" Gaz shouted.

"That's quite enough," said Simon. "That wasn't even singing, and, personally, I think you should have given this more thought before you even considered this."

"Your face is stupid and you're anorexic on the inside," Gaz said, flatly. "Go back to Wales."

"I was moved," said Ms. Bitters. "You have talent."

"Respect, Ms. Bitters," said Gaz, nodding. The crowd booed and Ms. Bitters and Gaz both shut them up with one look.

"Um… well…" said Peaches. "I much prefer the Barbie Girl song, but… I guess… that wasn't miserable…"

"YO' MOMMA!" Gaz roared, pointing at Peaches. Peaches looked stunned and Gaz walked away.

"Okay," said Peaches. "I think we're almost done. Next up is… Sheena Fujibayashi singing… 'There Can Be Miracles' from the Prince of Egypt."

Sheena, dressed in her Meltokio formal wear, walked on stage. Almost every male face in the auditorium had their eyes bug and mouths drop. Sheena, nervous, tossed her hair back and began to sing. Though her voice was extremely good, she didn't have much stage presence. She seemed to be trying to make herself small and insignificant.

"Sheena," said Simon, leaning forward again. "You've got amazing talent, you really do. However, your stage presence makes it look like you don't really want to be doing it, and that takes away from the overall picture."

"PH33R THE AUDIENCE!" Ms. Bitters shouted dramatically.

"I thought it was very well sung," said Peaches, glancing to the other two judges. "Don't give up, Sheena, I'm sure you'll do better next time."

"Thanks," said Sheena, walking off the stage. Ron drooled backstage.

"Next up, we have Presea Combatir. She will be singing 'Woodchips' by the CMB," read Peaches.

"What's the CMB?" asked Genis.

"Chainsaw Massacre Brigade," said Harry, flatly. "Luna tried to get me to listen to a CD of them a while ago, but I resisted. Barely."

Presea walked out on stage, almost in a zombie-like state. She took the microphone, waited for the music to start, and began to sing. When she opened her mouth, however, nearly the entire auditorium found themselves clamping their hands to their ears. Presea had trained her voice to sound just like a chainsaw. For almost four long, painful minutes, Presea sang. When it was over, sixteen people had to be removed due to hemorrhages in the areas around their ears and brains.

"What the hell was that?" asked Simon. "That was… that wasn't human! I have never, in all my years, heard something so miserable and unearthly! I don't even WANT to know how you did that! My God!"

"Presea, are your vocal cords intact?" cried Peaches. "I thought you were dying or something!"

"That was BEAUTIFUL!" sobbed Ms. Bitters. "That was the best performance of the night! I loved it!"

"Thank you, Ms. Bitters," Presea said, nodding, and then leaving in a taciturn state once more.

"We only have three more singers," said Peaches. "First up… Luna Lovegood, singing 'Nowhere' by FictionJuniction Yuuka!"

Luna dropped out of the ceiling and landed hard on the stage. She stood up, smiled, and grabbed a microphone that fell after her. Her music started, and she began to sing along. However, it was soon apparent that she was not singing in English; rather, she was singing in Japanese. Still, her voice seemed well adapted to the foreign song, moving over the different rises and falls with virtually no trouble at all. At the end, she bowed, and everyone clapped (especially the row of Japanese foreign exchange students that were sitting in the back of the auditorium).

"I have no bloody idea what you just said," said Simon. "But it sounded good."

"Very good," said Ms. Bitters. "I'm proud to see one of you worthless children take your Social Study seriously at least."

"I translated as you were singing," said Peaches. "And that was a beautiful song. Thank you for that excellent performance."

"Aye," said Luna. "I'll be back in a little bit, the CIA has some orphanages to purge."

"Okay, next up…" said Peaches. "We have Hermione Granger singing 'You're Still the One.'"

"HERMIONE?" Harry cried. "SINGING COUNTRY?"

"It would appear that way," said Raine, looking slightly shocked herself. "I hope she does well…"

Hermione approached the stage, looking positively mortified. When she took the microphone from Peaches, she took in a nervous breath and then began to sing. Her voice, surprisingly, was beautiful and flawless. By the end of the song, everyone was speechless, stunned by her talent. She stood there, looking confused, and the whole auditorium began to clap and cheer.

"That was extremely wonderful," said Peaches. "It made me feel joy inside my body."

"Pass," said Ms. Bitters, back to emotionlessness.

"Hermione…you may have a future in singing! Congratulations on an excellent performance," Simon said, clapping.

"Thank you very much," Hermione said earnestly, before quickly departing the stage.

"Our final contestant will be singing 'Cotton-Eye Joe," said Peaches. "And that is… ZIM!"

Zim walked out on stage. There was a pause, and everyone burst into laughter. Zim had on a ten-gallon straw hat, suspenders, and a long, white beard. A washtub was tied to his back, and he carried a pitchfork. He raised his eyebrow at the laughing students, and then walked proudly to the front of the stage, taking up the microphone. Zim surprised everyone, once again, with making his voice sufficiently redneck-like so that he actually managed to get everything down perfectly. Still, everyone laughed throughout the song.

"That was amusing, but not the best we've seen," said Simon. "I'd give you an average."

"… FARMA'H!" was all Ms. Bitters shouted, before soaring away and out the window.

"That was good, Zim," said Peaches, barely containing a grin. "But I'm sure you'll not mind when you're not picked for the finals."

"FOOLS! I SHALL RULE YOU ALL WITH MY IRON SPATULA OF DOOM!" cried Zim.

"That's a washtub!" called Dib from backstage.

"SILENCE!" Zim shouted.

"Okay… ignoring him for a moment… it's time to announce the finalists!" Peaches clapped happily. "We've seen everything from awesome talent to miserable wannabes, and it's time to separate the boys from the men… so to speak. I much prefer girls from the women, but… anyway…

"Our finalists, in no particular order… Colette Brunnel, Zelos Wilder, Dib Membrane, Tak, Luna Lovegood, Ginny Weasley, and… Hermione Granger!"

Everyone clapped and cheered as the finalists walked to the stage, smiling and waving. Backstage, a few people looked a little putout, though no more than Sheena, who punched a hole in the wall. Finally, once Peaches gave the time to be back the next afternoon, the entire auditorium emptied. Everyone else returned to their dorms.

**Sunday, February 14****th****. 4:55 A. M. Colette/Sheena's Room.**

In the early hours of Sunday morning, Colette and Girtrude sat on Colette's bed, a small cauldron between them. A pink vapor radiated from it as the girls poured over a book, whispering excitedly while Sheena snored in the corner. They were mixing a special potion for Valentine's Day, one that would bring them both joy. Or so they hoped.

"Have we got everything?" whispered Colette.

"Yes," Girtrude said. "Will Sanchez find true love today?"

"We can hope so," said Colette, "Now, just let me add this one last ingredient…"

As she did so, the cauldron began to bubble furiously. It collapsed in on itself slightly, and then exploded, rocking the entire room and shaking the entire building. The vapor leaked out of the open window and began to spread across the entire campus. Groans, distant cries, and coughing could be heard around the campus, and Sheena was raging at Girtrude, who had landed on top of her. Colette looked out the window.

"I hope that wasn't bad," said Colette, a frightened look on her face.

**Sunday, February 14****th****. 10:45 A. M. Whitestone School.**

As the rest of the campus awoke, they found themselves feeling very strange. A majority of the students had suddenly developed uncontrollable lusting for someone, most often a crush, or their significant other in the case of a couple. This lead to many strange actions, including binge-buying on the quick delivery internet sites around the world wide web. Though it was felt by both sexes, boys had it much more badly than the girls as their natural instinct to impress was tripled by the fumes of the potion.

Dib was one of the first to feel the full effects. By six in the morning, he was already ordering item upon item in a last-ditch effort to impress Colette. When he saw the message that denoted the fact that it would arrive via a huge plane, he breathed a sigh of relief. Big planes were much safer than smaller ones.

Harry, while completely infatuated with thoughts of Ginny, still had enough room to be concerned for Ron. Ron was in a frenzy, tearing apart the room looking for any spare money he could. With a sigh, Harry held his redheaded friend back from their computer, fearing he would run his already poor family into even more debt by the time his hormones had calmed down.

"But I need to impress her… she's everything to me!" wailed Ron.

"You sound like that time you took a… oh crap," said Harry, eyes widening as he realized what was going on. He released Ron, who dove headfirst into a wall.

"Harry!" cried Hermione, who had just run in (having slammed the door in the faces of six geeky-looking boys thrusting chocolate at her).

"Hermione! Are you alright?" asked Harry.

"I'm fine," said Hermione in a rather annoyed voice. "Love Potions don't work with those who have a strong mental barrier, such as myself. Still, I think you should take some precautions. I've already got Ginny, Luna, and a few others using Bubblehead Charms to stop it from getting any worse."

"What happened, exactly?" Harry asked.

"Isn't it obvious?" Hermione cried. "A Love Potion Explosion in Colette's room. It's infected the whole school, and that's a big problem. You should see the great lengths the boys are going to win the hearts of girls."

"It can't be that bad," said Harry.

"Harry… Iggins just bought the state of Kentucky for someone," said Hermione incredulously.

"We've gotta pout a stop to this!" cried Harry.

"Let's go!" Hermione added, blowing the door up as the two exited and dodged more fanboys and girls.

After they left, Ron picked his head up from the ground. He glanced around, and a grin spread across his face. He leapt straight to the computer and began to click and type away.

Meanwhile, only five people had been able to completely negate the effects of the Potion. In the middle of the chaos, Ms. Bitters, Countess von Verminstrasser, Gaz, Presea, and Luna stood stock-still, huge, brown gas masks on their faces. As they stood there, they were constantly approached, but soon turned away.

"My dear," said Snape, approaching and carrying flowers. "I present these to you, as well as my humble heart."

"For me?" Ms. Bitters asked.

"Yes," said Snape.

Ms. Bitters took the flowers and ate them. She spat out the stems onto Snape, who blinked. She glared at him for a few seconds, and then turned away. Snape snapped his fingers and then retreated towards his office, planning his next attack.

"I got you this state," said Iggins, walking up to Presea. He held the deed to Kentucky in his hands.

"For me?" asked Presea.

"Yes," said Iggins.

She set it on fire. Six souls escaped from the burning paper, wailing as they faded into the sky. Iggins wailed and was kicked away by Gaz, who was getting a headache. Finally, they were approached by Regal.

"I got you this…" he said, handing some money to Countess von Verminstrasser.

"For me?" asked the Countess.

"Yes," said Regal.

"Very good," she said, pocketing it. "If you need use of my services in the future, just let me know."

"I'm sure all of the little ones are in a better place," said Regal somberly, before turning and walking back towards Building D.

"Well, we'd better go," said Luna, happily. "We don't want to be late for the Whitestone Idol finals!"

The girls and women walked away. Behind a shrub, Zim watched them walk away. He grimaced in rage and snapped his fingers. Girtrude played with Sanchez, who was ordering her to buy things for Gorfy.

"It is clear to me that this… these feelings… are a mere weakness in the mind system of humans. But… I cannot help but be drawn to her… ARGH!" cried Zim, bashing his head off a pole, "WHY—MUST—THIS—BE—SO—DIFFICULT!"

He stopped. Girtrude stared quizzically at him. Zim merely sighed and pointed to his forehead; it was frozen to the pole. Girtrude giggled a little bit and walked away while Zim frantically tried to detach himself.

**Sunday, February 14****th****. 2:00 P. M. The Auditorium.**

"Good afternoon again, everyone!" cried Peaches. "It's been a very interesting day, and so far we've had four-hundred and sixty-two declarations of love, fifty broken hearts, six wedding proposals, and four threats of appearances on Maury unless children are claimed. All in all, another busy day, right everyone?

"Now, it's time for the Final Seven people to take the stage once more, vying for the top position as the Whitestone Idol! Are you all ready?"

The resounding cheer was enough to shake the windows. Peaches smiled happily and resumed her seat at the judges table (which was stacked high with well-wishers for each of the judges). Ms. Bitters slowly burned everything Snape had given her, while he sobbed in the audience. Peaches discarded all the chocolates, but kept the pretty ribbons and microchips Master Computer had sent her. Simon basked in the glory as a few dozen girls melted behind him.

"First up… well, we have a small change. We'll have Tak and Zelos both singing a song, one that they claim is proper for a day celebrated for love."

"What song do you think it'll be?" asked Genis in a whisper.

"I don't know," said Raine, "But I bet it'll be something a tad tasteless…"

"Ladies and gentlemen," said Zelos. "Boys and girls. Hunnies and servant boys… I present to you... the fabulous Tak!"

Tak walked out on stage and stood next to Zelos. Both were wearing the most revealing clothing articles yet seen on the campus. In fact, a few turned away in embarrassment. This was nothing, however, until they began to sing their song. The problem? The song was "My Humps." Worse, they were dancing in the dirtiest ways possible without being obscene. This was something Simon finally couldn't take.

"THAT'S ENOUGH!" he shouted. "If we wanted to see _that,_ we'd go to a strip club!"

Ms. Bitters said nothing and continued to burn her valentine's gifts. Peaches was furious.

"We have small children in the audience!" she shouted, pointing at the terrified-looking elementary kids. "I can't believe you two would be so foolhardy and reckless! They'll be traumatized for life. What do you have to say for yourselves?"

"You don't know true talent when you see it," said Tak proudly, stomping off stage. Zelos snorted derisively, gave them all a smug look, and followed, to the loud applause of everyone but the judges.

Next up was Colette. She sang "Come Chameleon," another overly perky song by the same group who made "Butterfly," but Simon was not in the mood for the perkiness, Ms. Bitters was still pryotripping, and only Peaches loved the song. The audience, however, didn't receive it so well and went about clapping and cheering with less enthusiasm.

Luna was next, and she sang another song in Japanese, "Asu E No Brilliant Road." Once again, Simon praised her without having the foggiest idea of what she had sang. Ms. Bitters, now buried in a pile of ash, also concurred that the song was well-done. Peaches clapped happily, having downloaded and translated the song once more.

When Dib walked on stage, he was shaking. But he knew what he had to do. It was the very first important step he had planned for the day, and it was one that would have to go flawlessly. He looked straight at Colette, and began to sing his own rendition of, "Burnin' Love." It was so well done once again that the entire audience was up and dancing by the end, some swinging with their partners (Snape had tried to dance with Ms. Bitters and had abruptly found himself waltzing with Trelawney, and Iggins sported a large bruise after he had latched on to Presea).

"That was good," said Simon. "But my advice remains unchanged."

"That was good," said Peaches. "I think you were just a little high on a couple of notes, but nothing too major."

"That was good," said Ms. Bitters. "I heard things about setting things on fire and burning. That is good."

Ginny was the sixth singer. As she approached the microphone, a dozen roses flew to the stage. Harry outdid them and threw a Fanged Geranium, which ate the roses. Ginny smiled at it and set it off to the side and began to sing. She had chosen "My Heart Will Go On," and it was astoundingly sung. By the end, almost everyone was in tears. Right at the climax, Ginny knocked the high notes out of the park, almost shattering the high windows.

"I… I don't know what to say," said Simon, dabbing his eyes. "There were so many wonderful aspects to that song… it's just impossible to decide on a single word… I don't know what's wrong with me, for some reason… music just… is touching me today…"

"I am speechless as well," said Ms. Bitters. "Your voice can heal things and inspire courage. Take advantage of it."

Peaches sobbed so hard that she couldn't speak. Ginny bowed as the audience gave her a standing ovation. She left the stage and was immediately followed by Hermione. Her appearance made everyone gasp.

She was dressed completely in denim. Her hair was done up in a way that made it straight and shiny. She wore a cowboy hat and boots. Her shirt and shorts were almost scandalously revealing for the normally-conservative Hermione, but she barely blushed as she took the microphone.

She sang, "Man! I Feel Like a Woman!" This was enough to scare almost everyone, but she sang it so well. Where she got the twang in her voice was a mystery to almost everyone, but she sang the song flawlessly. Near the end, right before she finished, she shouted, "NOW HARRY!"

From above, Harry set off the sprinklers. It doused the audience, many of whom were brought back to their senses. Whatever was in the sprinklers worked, because a ton of people looked mortified as they reflected on their day's actions. Some, however, hadn't given up yet.

"And that was Hermione Granger," said Peaches. "And now, the moment you've all been waiting for… the winner… the Champion of Whitestone Idol is… GINNY WEASLEY"

Ginny walked out on stage to the great applause of the audience. Peaches placed a tiara in her hair and handed her a bouquet of flowers. Harry jumped up on stage and rushed over and planted a large kiss on her cheek. She leapt into his arms and allowed one of the MEDIA to take a picture for the papers.

"If there are any last-minute things to say…" said Peaches. "Please do so now."

"I have one, Peaches," said Raine, taking the microphone from her. "Kratos… YOU NEED TO BE A MAN AND QUIT RUNNING AWAY FROM YOUR PROBLEMS! I WON'T LET YOU DENY YOUR BABY, YOU BASTARD!"

Kratos looked pale and stunned. The students went silent. Lloyd and Genis looked as though they had just been hit with a large, blunt object in the abdomen. Simon quickly snuck away, hoping to leave the school as quickly as possible (Girtrude chased after him, trying to hook him up with the now-single Sharifah-Latifah).

**Outside…**

"Colette," said Dib. "Come with me. I have something to show you."

"I'll meet you over behind Building B in a minute, I need to escort Lloyd and Genis to counseling," said Colette. "See ya in a bit!"

"Right," said Dib, who quickly walked over towards the landing strip he had set up.

"SHEENA!" Ron cried, dashing towards the ninja. "I got you stuff! It's stuff you want, I swear. You're my everything and I love you!"

"What?" Sheena asked. "Uh, Ron… I…"

"I NEED YOU!" he wailed pathetically, thrusting various clothing articles and household appliances into her hands.

"That's very flattering," said Sheena. "But I—"

"MARRY ME!" he shouted, lunging at her. She screamed and ran away, Ron in hot pursuit.

"Iggins, I'm warning you," said Gaz, pointing her GameSlave Advance at him. "Stay away from Presea, or else."

"But I love her!" cried Iggins, trying to get at Presea, who was hiding behind Gaz.

"You've got to the count of three," said Gaz. "One…"

"MARRY ME!" cried Ron, still chasing.

"NO!" Sheena shouted, still running.

"Luna! Here's a sandwich," said Zim, handing her a chocolate sandwich.

"Two…" Gaz muttered, extending the missile launcher.

"It's wonderful, Zim!" cried Luna, eating it quickly. "And I got you this charred deed to Kentucky.

"Excellent," said Zim, cackling.

Dib watched as the plane turned to make a landing. He grinned as all Colette's gifts drew closer.

"Three…" Gaz said, beginning to lower her finger.

"MARRY ME!" Ron shouted.

"RESTRAINING ORDER!" Sheena bellowed.

"I LOVE PRESEA!" shouted Iggins.

"Look, a dead bird!" shouted Girtrude, pointing to the sky.

"FIRE!" shouted Gaz, firing the missile.

It shot out of the pod at a high rate of speed. However, Iggins sneezed at the last minute and moved out of the way. The missile sailed past him and flew into the air, right into the sky. It slammed into and blew up the plane carrying all of Dib's stuff, and everyone watched as the fireball erupted and the pilots parachuted to safety.

"Whoops," said Gaz, blinking.

Dib looked crushed as the wreckage landed around him. The only thing that survived was a slightly burnt box of chocolates, which he picked up. His face was a mask of sheer pathetic, and there were tears in his eyes.

"Wow, Dib," said Colette. "You look like you were in a plane crash a few seconds ago."

"You could say that," muttered Dib, then, limply handed the chocolates to her. "Happy Valentine's Day."

"… for me…?" Colette asked, eyes widening.

"Yes…" Dib muttered.

"Oh… Dib… this is the best Valentine's Day gift I've ever received!" cried Colette.

"… it is? I thought you got a lot today…" Dib said, blinking.

"No, most boys think I'm too perky. Same with Peaches. We're starting a support group," said Colette. "But these are my favorites! You're so sweet…"

She kissed him on the cheek and walked away, hugging the chocolates. Dib stood there for a second, smiling stupidly. His hand slowly went to his cheek, and he broke out into a gigantic grin. One of the plane's wings crashed down and plowed him six feet into the ground, and yet all he could do was smile happily and hold his hand to the place where Colette had kissed him. He had won, and that mattered more than anything, even breathing oxygen. Above him, Sheena was thrashing the psychotic Ron, Iggins was retreating from Presea and Gaz, Snape was stalking Ms. Bitters, and Luna and Zim were en-route to set up their base of operations in Kentucky. All in all, it was a perfect Valentines Day in Whitestone Academy.

**From Colette's Mind: (June 2011)**

**Hey everyone! It's so great to see people are actually reading about our adventures at Whitestone! I'm sure Matt's (who is the author for those confused by me suddenly mentioning him) very happy. Anyway, after we've dealt with so much this year, especially this crazy Valentine's Day, what could be more random? I can't think of anything myself… but I'm going to do my best to keep my head up, no matter what happens! Next chapter is March, and who knows what'll be in store for us next time? I just hope we don't get sent someplace cold. I don't like the cold much. See you later!**


	12. Chapter 12: Driver's Education

**From Neville's Mind: (June 2011)**

**Um… hi… Neville here. You're reading ****Tales of Invader Potter and the Whitestone School****, a story that chronicles our adventures at the Whitestone Academy. We're a motley band of students, and we've all got our strengths, weaknesses, and crushes… and there's a lot of explosions and things that go on. Anyway, it's already March, and that means there's only three more months left before the year ends. I can't decide if I'm more upset or… relieved. So… in March, we find ourselves faced with a new challenge: License Acquisition… and… well… it's quite a trip…**

Chapter 12: Driver's Education

**March 20****th****, Monday. 11:38 A. M. Career's Classroom. **

**HOUSEPOINT TOTALS: Fence: 838 / Typhoid: 994 / Iko Iko: 747/ Potato: 1030**

"So you see, children," Ms. Bitters addressed her class at the end of the period. "It's okay to laugh at old people and children who fall off bikes because they don't give back to society and deserve their punishment."

The temperature had finally risen above freezing, and the snow was gone. The grounds of Whitestone had finally been planted, and grass sprung up everywhere. This caused people with allergies (especially Tak, Hermione, Neville, and Raine) to suffer and sneeze, as well as wear masks. As per usual, nearly half the class was only dimly aware of what was going on, many still yearning for a nap and some lunch.

"Don't forget," Ms. Bitters reminded them as the bell rang. "You start your Driver Education class tomorrow. All of the Professors, as well as Master Computer, will be testing you on your controlling abilities of vehicular motion devices. Don't forget your LEARNER'S PERMITS!"

She jumped into the ceiling ninja-style and disappeared. The students stared for a few moments before filing out, now ready to eat lunch. While most were excited, a few were apprehensive. Hermione and Genis were both in a blind panic, trying to remember everything they'd learned about driving over the past two weeks. Zelos, on the other hand, was probably the coolest of all of them.

"I've been driving since I was seven," he bragged to Tak. "It's easy."

"I find that hard to believe," said Genis.

"And why is that, brat?" asked Zelos.

"You live in Tethe'alla. They don't have vehicles there… unless you count animal-drawn wagons," replied Genis, smugly.

"… irreverent…" muttered Zelos.

"It's 'irrelevant,' moron," said Sheena, smacking Zelos over the back of the head.

"Ow," whined Zelos.

"Honestly," muttered Hermione as she and the rest of the Hogwarts group walked ahead of the others. "Will they ever stop that?"

"Will you ever stop saying, '_Honestly_,' in that horrible, whining tone?" grouched Ron.

"One of these days, Ronald," Hermione said, eyes flashing dangerously.

"Cut the crap, guys," Harry said. "It's too early for this."

"Harry… it's almost noon!" Hermione cried, "Did you just wake up?"

"Yeah. Careers is pointless," said Harry, yawning.

A lightning bolt flew from the Health Room and crashed into Harry, burning him slightly. Everyone around took a few steps back as he coughed up black smoke. Presea and Gaz shook their heads in a knowing way and lead the student body to the cafeteria.

**Ten minutes later, in front of Building E…**

"Good afternoon, peons," said Master Computer, addressing the school at large. "A majority of you do not have your licenses, which is why we are here today. Some of you will take your tests today, some tomorrow. First of all, you need your learner's permits. Who does not have their learner's permit?"

All the hands of all the students, except for the Symphonia, Hogwarts, and smudged-town students all went up. Iggins also put his hand up, having "lost" his the day before (it had been payment for a job Presea and Gaz had done, and Gorfy the Chihuahua friend of Girtrude's was currently eating it). Master Computer shook his head. Ms. Bitters rose to the platform next.

"You without learner's permits will need to spend the rest of this day filling out your applications for your learner's permits. You need forms 301A through 1623B filled out by tomorrow morning at the latest. I will be at the front desk with Master Computer to assist you in any way I can," she informed them angrily.

"Why aren't you instructing, Professor?" asked Colette curiously.

"I was banned after a nasty incident involving a Chevalier and sixteen geese," replied Ms. Bitters, though sans flashback.

"I wanna be a racecar driver!" Iggins said. "I wish I could go that fast and get money for it!"

"I was once a racecar driver…" Ms. Bitters said, finally triggering another black-and-white flashback.

In a racetrack with a long, winding road, thousands of people watched as seventy-four cars dashed around the track. In one of these cars was a very young, naïve Ms. Bitters. She sat, steering haphazardly with a big, dumb grin on her face. Somehow, she was passing car after car, right into third place on the final lap. She was about to pass the last two, and take the win.

"But then my dream of eternal glory was CRUSHED by divine intervention," she hissed.

A small child in the stands pulled back one of those cars that go once you pull them back and launched it into the racetrack. Ms. Bitters' car hit it, spun out, and collided with the other two cars, triggering a nuclear explosion that annihilated the racetrack and all the cars but one. This car crossed the finish line and took the win.

The flashback faded and everyone found themselves watching as Ms. Bitters choked the microphone as though it was the neck of a small child. She did this for about thirty more seconds before she spoke again.

"And that is why," she concluded. "We should all make a move towards totalitarianism. Choices make you MISERABLE! Just look at the Amish."

She swooped over the crowd and sat at the desk in the back. She had dozens of stacks of paper behind her, each held together with some string. Finally, Master Computer informed them that those with their permits could go outside and find their drivers and car partners.

"Excellent," said Harry. "I hope I'm with you guys."

"Us as well," said Hermione. "But I'm so scared… what if we get Snape?"

"Then we'll fail and just take it next week," said Ron, dryly.

"Good luck, Colette," said Dib, blushing.

"Thanks, I'm going to need it," said Colette, shaking. "But I'm sure you'll do fine. You're a really good driver, right?"

Dib thought back to the time where he flew Tak's ship into the side of Mount Everest and caused an avalanche that buried four small villages and a moose.

"Of course," he said with a big grin.

"Liar," hissed Gaz as she and Presea stalked past, each carrying armfuls of weapons.

"What are you doing with those?" queried Sheena, who was passing in the other direction.

"Classified," both girls answered in unison.

"They're very frightening," commented Neville.

"Yes. Yes they are," said Sheena. "Say, Neville, where's the list?"

"Right here," said Ginny, who was scanning it hopefully. "It's three people to a car with one Professor as well. Most of the cars are just SABBIE 4-Seaters, each with four doors and the basic set-up."

"No sunroof?" complained Zelos. "Now my wavy hair can't fly freely like it's supposed to!"

"Now we're all safe from lice," said Genis and Sheena at the same time.

Everyone read the list. Some were ecstatic, but many were crushed. On the paper, they read the following:

DRIVING GROUPS:

**Professor Regal Bryant**

Zim Zimmerson

Girtrude McBluegrass

Luna Lovegood

**Professor Raine Sage**

Hermione Granger

Ron Weasley

Presea Combatir

**Professor Countess von Verminstrasser**

Ginny Weasley

Dib Membrane

Gaz Membrane

**Professor Kratos Aurion**

Zelos Wilder

Genis Sage

Neville Longbottom

**Professor Sibyl Trelawney**

Lloyd Irving

Sheena Fujibayashi

Colette Brunnel

**Professor Severus Snape**

Harry Potter

Peaches Version 2.0

Tak Mitsubishifordtoyota.

"You've gotta be kidding me," said Harry. "Does some higher power have a grudge against me?"

"It's alright, Harry," said Peaches, brightly. "You're with me! You can't be any worse than I am!"

"Peaches…" said Tak. "Why in hell do you need to take a driver's education course?"

"Oh… well… you see…" said Peaches, embarrassed. "When they made me… they forgot to program a driving function… so I've gotta use my artificial intelligence to… you know… store it…"

"Fabulous. You really are useless," said Zelos, dryly.

"Sticks and stones may break my bones but your words are inferior to my central processing unit's power," said Peaches, sticking her tongue out.

"… we're definitely writing you a new program for comebacks," said Genis, shaking his head.

"Oh, good," said Hermione, breathing a sigh of relief. "We're with Professor Sage."

"_Good?_" Ron cried. "How is that good? She's going to be tough on us!"

"Chances of passing are 65% for Ron and 82% for Hermione," said Presea robotically.

"… That's good, I guess…" said Hermione.

"Hey, Zim!" said Luna enthusiastically. "We get to test together!"

"I'm aware of this, human," said Zim. "Er… I mean… yes, Luna, I did notice this."

"And Girtrude's going with us," Luna added.

"Eh? WHY?" Zim roared to the sky.

"Because Perferidity signed us up for that," said Girtrude, holding a pelican by her feet as she frantically tried to get away.

"What a cute bird," said Luna, happily petting the struggling seabird on the head.

"Verminstrasser? You've got to be kidding me!" Dib wailed.

"Silence, Dib," said Gaz. "You will NOT screw this up for me, GOT IT?"

"Can you even reach the peddles?" asked Dib in a testy voice.

"Can you?" retorted Gaz.

"… ouch…" Dib said, looking crestfallen.

"I drive first!" Ginny claimed with a fist pump.

"Then we can learn from your failures so we can pass," said Gaz, flatly.

"You take the joy out of life, you know that?" Ginny said, eyebrow raised.

"It's my destiny," Gaz replied, striking a dramatic pose.

"Oh… Lloyd, Sheena, we get to drive together," said Colette, smiling.

"Cool! I've always wanted to get a driver's license," said Lloyd, the dumb hero grin on his face.

"Whose our professor?" Sheena asked, and then her face paled.

"Trelawney, of course," said Colette, oblivious to Sheena and Lloyd's horror.

"Does she even HAVE a license?" asked Sheena in a horrified tone.

"I'd rather have Ms. Bitters than her…" muttered Lloyd.

"Look on the bright side," said Colette-the-eternal-optimist. "She'll be an easy pass!"

"Or an easy death…" muttered Sheena darkly.

"Okay, you two boys who get to drive with the fabulous Zelos," said the Tethe'allan Chosen. "Prepare to be dazzled with a display of complete control of motor vehicles!"

"I'm driving with you? You've GOT to be kidding," said Genis snootily.

"Guys… I've never driven before… I'm going to fail!" wailed Neville.

"You'll do fine, Neville," said Hermione, who had come to console him. "Much better than these other two idiots anyway…"

She got looks of disdain and hatred from Zelos and Genis, respectively. She merely tossed her hair back and stood with her group, waiting for the cars to show up. They finally did so, each the same brown color with "WARNING: STUDENT DRIVER. CLEAR THE STREETS OF ANYTHING WITH A SOUL" written across the top and doors. The first four pulled up to the curb; Trelawney ran over it. The doors opened automatically and the Professors beckoned them in.

"So… I'm with you three?" said Regal, looking at his list as Zim pulled himself into the driver's seat. "Luna, Zim, and Girtrude?"

"And them," said Girtrude, pointing to the trunk, where Sanchez, Gorfy, Sharifah-Latifah, Ahkmed, and Perferidity had crammed themselves.

"Um… well… okay, then," said Regal. "Now, Zim, I need you to back out slowly and drive to your right, where you will—"

"Yes, yes," said Zim. "If I can operate Irken Megadoomers I can operate this pathetic motion device…"

"Er… whatever you say?" said Regal, frowning and scribbling something on his clipboard.

"Now… AWWAAAAAY!" shouted Zim dramatically as he drove the car away (he managed to slam into three parked cars before screeching out the front gates and toward the town).

**Raine's Car**

"Well, hello everyone," said Raine, smiling as Hermione climbed into the front and Ron and Presea clicked themselves into the backseat.

"H-Hello Professor," said Hermione, shaking.

"Calm down, Hermione, it'll be fine. I need you to show me the steering wheel…"

Hermione clasped her hands on it until her knuckles became white.

"Speedometer?"

Hermione slammed her palm to the dashboard, covering it.

"… Horn?"

Hermione slammed the horn so forcefully that she caused everyone around them to jump (Zelos concussed himself when he hit his head as he climbed into his own car).

"Okay, please drive out that way, the same way Zim went. Just… follow the path of destruction…" said Raine. "But don't add to it…"

"Yes, ma'am," said Hermione breathlessly, driving away at about ten miles an hour.

**Verminstrasser's Car.**

"Get in, quickly," said Verminstrasser. "We've got no time to waste!"

"What'd'ya want me to do?" Ginny asked, calmly.

"Follow the slow one. PASS HER!" shouted Verminstrasser. "ONWARD!"

"Aye, ma'am!" said Ginny, grinning and cranking it up to sixty. She speed away, both women cackling from the front seat (Dib squashed his face to the window in an attempt to get away and Gaz played a driving simulator on her GameSlave 4).

**Kratos' Car.**

"Okay, so… who do we have… oh Jesus…" said Kratos, looking up to see Zelos smirking next to him.

"Heya, teach!" said Zelos, grinning like an idiot. "You're our instructor."

"I'm thrilled," said Kratos, wishing he had written a will.

"Professor… I… I've never driven before…" said Neville.

"Don't worry," said Kratos in his emotionless voice. "The odds are you won't survive long enough to drive anyway."

"Oh… okay…" said Neville, face paling.

"Come on, Kratty!" Zelos joked. "You've known me for how long and you doubt my driving ability?"

"I doubt much more than that, my friend," said Kratos. "Follow the same path as Raine."

"Roger," said Zelos, pulling out and driving away at the same speed as Ginny, though with much less control.

**Trelawney's Car.**

"Enter, my dears… I see in your futures that you will have a difficult path ahead of you…" Trelawney greeted them mysteriously.

"Crock of crap," said Sheena, entering the backseat with Colette.

"Shut up, you little whore!" hissed Trelawney, turning around to flash her eyes dangerously at Sheena.

"Y-Yes ma'am," said Sheena, looking horrified suddenly. Lloyd snickered.

"And you, Barber-Boy, better get your act together before you drive out of here!" shouted the Professor, and she promptly collapsed, sleeping on the dashboard.

"Go, Lloyd, now's your chance," said Sheena, kicking the back of his seat.

"… how do I start this thing?" asked Lloyd, bewildered.

"Oh for the love of… turn the key, moron!" Sheena cried, waving her arms about her head like a lost child.

"Oh!" said Lloyd, "Okay!"

With that, he promptly drove them backward and into one of the few undamaged cars in the area. Once he figured out how to shift, they drove off, passing Raine's car about half a mile away from the school. And then they entered town, and that's where the real trouble began.

**Snape's Car.**

"Well," said Snape, who had been watching the others leave. "Now that they way is safe at last… let us commence. POTTER! You tell me how to drive this thing."

"Why? Don't you know how?" retorted Harry.

"Well, I… of course I do," said Snape, flushing. "Twenty points from Fence for your inappropriate comments!"

"You can do it, Harry!" Peaches cheered from the background.

"Shut up, Peaches, that won't help me right now," said Harry, gritting his teeth and gripping the wheel as he drove them away.

"Rodger, Podger!" said Peaches.

"… that was almost unbelievably stupid," muttered Tak as they drove off.

**McDufee Street, Regal's Car.**

"So, human teachernoid, how did I do?" inquired Zim as they came to a stop along the sidewalk.

"Well… you failed to stop at three stop signs… ran six red lights, had twelve rolling stops, almost hit that old lady…"

"She was evil, though," chimed in Luna. "The CIA taught me how to watch out for _her_ type…"

"… and you called me many bizarre, insulting-sounding names," said Regal, glaring at Zim.

"But I am Zim… it's what I do… I was born this way," said Zim, looking pure and innocent.

"But you still passed by one point," said Regal. "I suggest you improve your driving skills before the next task. Luna, your turn."

"Oh goodie! Professor, what's the quickest way to the airport?" asked Luna.

"Oh, that's right," said Regal. "You're going for the Type FC8383 License: Aerodynamic Machines. Take 382 and Main."

"Correct," said Luna. "I'll get us there!"

"Eh?" said Zim.

"She's going to fly a PLAAAAANE!" sang Girtrude. "YAAAAY!"

"Here we are," said Luna, pulling into the airport's parking lot.

They went to the nearest plane, one that belonged to AIR COW. It had four piston engines and a high wing. SABBIE 2-SEATER was written on the side. Regal, Luna, and Zim sat in the cockpit while Girtrude donned a flight attendant outfit and secured her friends in the seats.

"Okay, Luna, get us into the air," said Regal as they taxied to the end of the runway.

"Roger," said Luna. "Tower, this is Whiskey-Tango-Foxtrot 1-1-7 requesting permission for takeoff…"

"I hear something odd…" said Zim, turning to look out the window. His eyes bugged when he saw a jet on final approach.

"Luna, speed it up," said Regal, a slight edge to his voice.

"Roger, Whiskey-Tango-Foxtrot cleared for takeoff on Runway 2-4 Left. Here we go!" Luna cried, applying full power.

The ancient plane scooted ahead with surprising speed. The other plane, the jet, came and landed, catching up to them. Just before impact, Luna pulled up and shot them into the air, and they were soon soaring above the town, with Whitestone in the distance. It reminded Zim a little bit of his trips on the Voot Cruiser, and he suddenly missed the vehicle. Which building had he parked it in again…?

"Now, Luna, show me a controlled dive," said Regal.

"Eh?" Zim asked, eyes bugging.

"Roger!" said Luna happily, diving toward the ground and ignoring the yells of Zim, Girtrude, and the other "passengers" in the cabin.

**Frederick Street. Trelawney's Car.**

"So… did I pass?" asked Colette as she skidded to a halt, completely blocking the road.

Professor Trelawney snapped awake. Lloyd and Colette had both driven while Sheena had lectured them on proper vehicle control. Behind them, they left a hot mess of destruction. Lloyd had knocked over twelve mailboxes, run fourteen cars off the side of the road, and taken down three light structures.

Colette had done worse. In her destructive trip, she had broken six signs, knocked out power to a thousand people, broken three water mains, completely obliterated the local high school, caused an eighteen-car-pileup, and, thanks to her, most of Market Street lay in ruins. She smiled nervously at Professor Trelawney, who was still confused.

"Did I fall asleep?" she asked.

"Yes. But it's okay, I—" Sheena began.

"LICENCES FOR ALL!" screeched Professor Trelawney.

"Um… yay!" said Colette, stamping on the gas pedal in joy (she shot forward and ran into a tree).

"Hey, look at this…" said Lloyd grabbing a paper that had become lodged in the cracked window. "They're doing a Gameshow at school!"

"WHAT?" shouted Professor Trelawney, "HOW COULD I HAVE FORGOTTEN? Quickly, children, we must away! The show starts soon!"

"What's it gonna be about?'" asked Colette.

"A fun game show involving famous people," said Sheena.

"Can I play?" asked Colette excitedly.

"We'll see," replied Sheena, who volunteered to drive them back (during which she avoided as much of the disaster zone as possible lest she feel the hatred of the citizens of the town.

**First Street. Verminstrasser's Car.**

"Be quick, child, we don't have all day!" hissed the vile, Nazi-like teacher as Dib took his turn. Ginny had passed with flying colors (and scored bonus points for damaging the sign of a local law firm that Professor Verminstrasser obviously disliked).

"Yes, ma'am," said Dib, flatly.

He drove along Main Street, until Verminstrasser leaned forward, glaring out the window. A bunch of Girl Scouts were sitting on the corner, waiting for people to stop so they could squeegee their windshields and force cookies upon them. An eye twitch radiated from their Professor.

"Run them over," said Verminstrasser.

"What?" Dib cried, "I can't do that!"

"Yes, you can. And you will, child!" hissed the teacher.

"Oh! Get the blonde one!" Gaz said from the back. Ginny had fallen asleep and wasn't aware of the goings-on.

"No! That's horrible! I can't do that," Dib said.

"I was once in the Girl Scouts…" said Verminstrausser, triggering the waviness that was for flashbacks, but then she ripped apart violently. "NO! NO flashback for YOU! We don't have time!"

"I'm not going to hit them," said Dib with finality.

"Oh yes you are!" said Verminstrasser, stealing the wheel from him.

"NO!" Dib shouted, pulling on it again. The car shot across both sides of the road, and the girls screamed and scattered, just making it out of the way in time for Dib to throw on the E-Brake and stop the car (Ginny awoke, though with whiplash now).

"You passed, even though you IGNORED my directions…" hissed Verminstrasser.

"My turn," said Gaz, shoving Dib to the curb, "Who can I hit?"  
"Let's go by the Old Home," said Verminstrasser, evilly.

"Yes!" Gaz said, pulling a U-turn and flying to the other side of town.

**Market Street. Kratos' Car.**

"Well," said Kratos as Zelos skidded to a halt. "Although I'm terrified at the thought of you controlling a car without a Professor… I'll give you your license."

"Heheheh… the fabulous Zelos wins again!" cackled the Chosen, leaping out of the car in victory.

"Genis, you're up," said Kratos.

"Wait," said Genis, suddenly. "I'm not old enough to drive yet."

"… so you aren't. Well, I didn't think of that. Neville, you're up!"

"EH?" Neville gasped, paling. "But… I'm not ready…"

"Come now, Neville," said Kratos. "I'm sure you'll do fine. Just don't cause an accident and don't ignore my directions."

"O… okay…" said Neville, climbing into the driver's seat.

"Just carefully follow this street…" said Kratos.

Neville began to drive very slowly, though carefully, down the road. As he did, however, something came tearing around behind him. They could barely make out Colette in the driver's seat of Trelawney's car, grinning happily and swerving around the road and sidewalks. People fled before her oblivious wrath as she hit poles, signs, other parked cars, and even buildings. Finally, she took out a support beam for the tallest building on the street. It swayed dangerously and began to fall.

"Look out!" shouted Genis.

Neville slammed on the brakes and turned the wheel hard to the left as the building crushed the road in front of them with an almighty explosion. The rest of the buildings began to tumble and collapse, and Neville stepped on the gas and drove in the opposite direction. He had to weave left and right to dodge buildings, light posts, electrical wires, Old People (who had fled the Old Home, fearing their lives), as well as a group of hysterical girl scouts.

"Neville, keep your eyes on the road!" cried a panicked Zelos in a high-pitched voice.

"What?" asked Neville, and then he, too, screamed as he was heading right for a ramp, placed in the middle of the street.

The car shot off it, going about seventy. They flew over the town, landing three streets away on Main. The car rolled to a stop and everyone breathed a sigh of relief. They began to laugh nervously when the burning engine of a plane slammed into the hood, deploying the airbags. Once they deflated, the damage was seen. Genis and Zelos had smacked heads from the airbags on the sides, Neville's nose was bleeding, and Kratos had the imprint of the clipboard on his face where it had been rammed.

"… that doesn't count as an accident, does it?" asked Neville, horrified.

"I'm sorry, Neville," said Kratos. "You'll have to try again next week."

"NOOOOOO!" wailed the poor, soulless boy as the sounds of fire engines reached their ears.

**Orange Boulevard. Snape's Car.**

"Well, Potter, your performance was Average," said Snape.

"I did everything you told me to!" Harry snapped angrily. "Perfectly."

"His success rate was 99.2 percent," reminded Peaches uselessly from the back seat.

"It was nothing spectacular," dismissed Snape. "I'd expect a small child to achieve this success. Be that as it may, Potter, you receive your license. Don't take too long to get it revoked."

"Whatever you say, sir," replied Harry in a monotone, making way for Peaches.

"Wait," said Peaches. "I must initiate my A. I. to take down new information…"

"Hurry up," said Snape. "We still have to test Miss Mitsubishifordtoytota."

"No, you don't," replied Tak. "For I have here… A LICENSE!"

"… if you had your license, why did you bother coming?" asked Harry.

"I needed entertainment before the show," replied Tak lazily, lounging with her feet into the back of Snape's chair.

"Commencing driving program version 0.1," Peaches said. "Step one. Turn Key. Step Two… shift to drive… Step Three…"

"GET ON WITH IT!" bellowed Harry.

"Twenty points for Fence for shouting in a small, enclosed area and giving everyone a migraine, Potter!" Snape shouted back.

Peaches drove down the street, doing K-Turns, Alleyway Turn-abouts, and everything else Snape told her. As expected, she did everything perfectly. As they were turning around to do parallel parking, however, she began to twitch inexplicably.

"Peaches?" asked Harry.

"WARNING: THIS PROGRAM HAS PERFORMED AN ILLEGAL OPERATION AND WILL BE SHUT DOWN. IF PROBLEM PERSISTS, CONTACT MICROSOFT," she said, and her face suddenly turned blue with gray lettering.

"The Blue Screen of Death!" cried Tak. "NOOOO!"

Peaches shut off, sparked, and slumped forward, her foot still on the gas. The rest of the car's inhabitants screamed bloody murder as they went careening around a corner. Somehow, they managed to make it all the way down the long, dirt road and back to Whitestone in one piece (though they did end up crashing into the side of Building E. Snape fled the car, followed by Tak, leaving Harry to drag the crashed mechanical suit into the Auditorium by himself.

**Fourth Street. Raine's Car.**

"Ron, you're driving too fast," Hermione hissed, making Ron stomp on the breaks.

"Hermione, shut up," said Ron. "I can't concentrate."

"Watch out for that branch!" Hermione cried. "Honestly! You need to watch where you're going!"

"Hermione, no backseat driving," Raine said, though she seemed amused by the exchange.

"Ron… THAT'S A RED LIGHT!" Hermione shouted, clamping onto his shoulders.

"I KNOW!" Ron cried, whirling around. "HERMIONE, just because you passed, it doesn't mean I need your help!"

"The light is green," said Presea, staring ahead. "And your exchange is reminiscent of a married couple."

"Very true, Presea. Okay, Ron, you passed," said Raine, smiling and handing Ron his license. "Pull along the side…"

"Yes!" said Ron, pulling onto the curb in his excitement.

"My turn," said Presea, walking slowly to front of the car and stepping in. This took a second until she adjusted everything for her short stature.

"Okay," said Raine, "Now go up to Main Street and make a right turn."

They drove along with no real incident. Neither Ron nor Hermione made any sounds, fearing the wrath of the small, pink-haired girl. When they were about to turn onto the street, however, she stopped the car, looking down the roadway.

"There's no stop sign, Presea," said Raine, frowning. "Why did you—?"

_**WHOOSH!**_

A flaming plane shot down Main Street, tearing up the road and scattering various debris along the way. Raine, Ron, and Hermione sat there, utterly freaked out. Presea turned calmly to Raine. "May I continue?"

"Y… yes… just get us back to the school in one piece…" muttered Raine.

"How did she know?" whispered Hermione.

"I know all," said Presea. "And whenever something bad will happen, I can sense it."

"How, though?" asked a persistent Ron.

"Irrelevant," said Presea, her voice low, rough, and creepy.

**Regal's… uh… Plane. Main Street.**

Regal and Luna jumped out of the twisted metal that was the plane. Zim crawled out after them, breathing heavily and clinging to the ground. Never had he been so terrified in his life. Girtrude continued to help the various passengers out of the plane. The only injury was to Perferidity who had lost quite a few feathers.

"And you successfully handled the plane through the controlled crash," said Regal, marking it down. "Good show. You get your license."

"Yes!" Luna cried, crossing another thing off her 'Things I must do before I die,' paper.

"Girtrude, you get your Flight Attendant license," said Regal, handing it to the small, blonde robot.

"I LOVE YOUR SOUL!" wailed Girtrude, clinging to Regal's leg.

"Well, that about wraps it up," said Regal. "Shall we get back to the school?"

"Yes!" said Luna. "I forgot about the Game Show Game! We must hurry!"

"Aye, we must. Zim, hail a taxi," suggested Regal.

"The… the taxi… I fear it…" muttered Zim, looking possessed.

"… never mind," Regal said, going to do it himself.

**Half an Hour Later, in the Auditorium…**

It had taken hours, but everyone else had finally filled out their paperwork. Then, they were herded into Building B, where the Auditorium had been slightly converted. On the stage was a sign that read: "AWESOME GAME SHOW." There were plenty of lights, fog machines, and places for two contestants and a confusing array of interactive monitors for the games. It looked a lot like the old Match Game from the 70's, Jeopardy, and the Price is Right had had a crack baby while drinking heavily during the pregnancy. The students took their seats, waiting for the show to start. Last to arrive were the denizens of Regal's car, and they stood at the back due to lack of seats.

Then, an alarm went off and the strobe lights began to shimmer and shine and send people into epileptic fits. Two signs flashed, "APPLAUSE OR DIE," and everyone began to cheer. From offstage, Master Computer began to introduce the game. However, he only got a few words in before everything went crazy.

"It's time to play-!" called Master Computer, but then he began to spark and fizz. "ERROR… ERROR…. GAME DISK UNREABLE… ERROR… ERROR…"

The students began to panic. Most of them fled the room in a desperate attempt to escape the loud noises and the flashing lights, a reflex well-honed after months at Whitestone. The students from Symphonia, Smudged Town, and Hogwarts, however, either remained frozen, or rushed the stage to try and figure out what was going wrong. The Professors surrounded the computer, but as he let off a wall of sparks, they were unable to approach it.

"What's going on?" asked Neville, frantically looking around.

"I don't know…" said Tak. "But… I feel weird…"

"So do I," said Zim, shaking. "I feel… a strange force…"

"I don't feel anything," said Ginny, frowning. "Are you sure…?"

Suddenly, the doors slammed shut and were compressed. The windows suddenly thickened and turned circular. From below them, a great rumbling ensued, shaking the school so violently that everyone was thrown from their feet. From behind the stage, a green figure emerged, taller than Zim and Tak, but both registered utmost horror when they saw his smug, green face.

"Klorb!" the shouted, pointing fingers at him.

"That's right," he said, cackling. "It is I! INVADER KLORB! You miserable Earthlings will now face my wrath as I destroy your precious Earth! I am ejecting you all into space so that you may never return! MUAHAHAHAH!"

"This sounds like one of your plans, Zim," muttered Dib.

"Foolish Dib… I sound nothing like that… NOTHING!" he shouted.

"What are you… are you an alien?" asked Colette, eyes widening in fear.

"I am, silly, inferior being," said Klorb, grinning. "And two among your number are as well. Another is merely a pathetic SIR unit. But I'm sure none you understand that. You are human beings, after all."

"How did you get here?" asked Tak. "And why?"

"After that gift Zim sent, the Tallest didn't pay attention to any of us. FOR HOURS! I'm not the only one who is angry, Zim! But I am the only one to do something about it… for now. The others will have their turn once I get you far, far away from this galaxy…"

"How did you get here? How did I not see you?" asked Dib, looking crestfallen.

"Remember back in your Earthen January? That meteor that hit Building D? That was my ship, disguised as a meteor!"

"So that's why the CIA found all those wires and buttons inside of it!" Luna said. snapping her fingers, "I thought it was just a Communist Satellite! Well, this is going to take some explaining back at the office…"

"You won't get away with this!" shouted Harry.

"Oh, but I will. And you know it!" Klorb snarled in reply. "But before we blast off… let me reveal to you your two foes!"

He shot some sort of gun that struck Tak and Zim in the chest and threw them backward. Everyone hit the deck at that point and Klorb began to cackle hysterically. Then, he shot at the Master Computer and typed some stuff into the new keyboard that had emerged. With that, he shot the wall and headed towards it.

"So long, foolish Earthinoids!" he shouted.

With that, the decompression shot him out the side. The wall somehow fixed itself and the shaking became worse. But more than that, they felt themselves rising, and it wasn't long before stars could be seen outside the windows. Still in shock about what was happening, it was only when another shriek, this time from Raine, reached their ears that they were able to register anything.

Tak and Zim stood, looking like they were in severe pain. But they were both without their disguises now. Everyone stared in complete silence as the shaking stopped and they found themselves floating in space. After an awkward silence, Girtrude threw off her disguise and landed on his head, right next to Zim.

"It's true," said Tak. "We've been deceiving you since day one. We are not human; we are Irken invaders come to take control of Earth."

"You're the enemy!" Dib shouted. "See? I've been right this whole time! YES!"

"I don't know what's worse," muttered Harry. "The fact that we've gotta deal with aliens now or the fact that Dib was right."

"I'm voting for the second," replied Ron in a whisper.

"But that no longer matters," said Tak, accessing the Master Computer. "Klorb has launched us far into space, much farther away than even the Dormir Nebula. It's going to be a long journey back."

"You mean… we're stuck out here?" gasped Genis.

"For the time being… yes. Better get comfortable, lads, it's going to be a long ride," replied Tak glaring out the window to the distant stars, and, hopefully, Earth.

**From the Author's Mind:**

**Well… um… all my characters just got hijacked I guess. And as for Klorb, I don't really know what happened to him; as soon as we hit the ground, he took off. I'll do my best to contact them and chronicle their journey through space… but in the meantime, let's prepare some Nickelodeon references. Also, there was a subliminal message hidden in this chapter. Find it and win a virtual cookie! I've gotta go repair my organs; falling from 50000 feet really does a number on your abdominal cavity…**

**Edit June 2011:**

**This is the other chapter that received major edits when I came back and read it a second time. The game show was originally shown, and it was originally Match Game. But when I wrote it, I realized it wasn't nearly as funny or fitting as I'd originally intended it to be, so I axed it. Oh and I have no idea what I was talking when I said subliminal messaging. So obviously it wasn't very good. The only two other minor edits were A) Girtrude had another friend named Larry. I can't remember who or what Larry was supposed to be because… er… he was never mentioned before or again (I guess he could have counted as a Big Lipped Alligator Moment but eh.) And B) I originally made my first appearance via Author Avatar in this chapter, but I pushed it back until chapter 14. It worked out better that way.**


	13. Chapter 13: Space Cases, Part 1

**From the Author's Mind: (June 2011)**

**Well, it's taken quite a while, but I've finally made contact with the people on the Whitestone Starship Building B. All I can do is get a radio transmission to them; I haven't actually hooked up any sort of voice or video communication here at mission control in Building E. I can only imagine what sort of peril they may be in… last time I received a transmission, they were near the Dormir Nebula, which means they're near a lot of dangerous space territory. I'm trying to find a wormhole to send them home, but that's proving very difficult since they haven't upgraded the computers from Vista and it's running ever so slowly…**

**In this chapter, you will see many references to Halo, Space Cases, Invader Zim (well duh) again, and possibly various other things. The song lyrics that I will be placing throughout this chapter go along with the Space Cases theme; listen to it on YouTube or other such site if you're curious and/or can't remember the show.**

Chapter 13: Space Cases

Once Upon a Time, In a School In Outer Space

There was a class of misfit kids, from all around the place.

They're trapped aboard a mystery ship,

and now have slipped through a spatial rift.

And now they're stuck on a long, dumb trip!

Lloyd Irving thinks he knows it all,

Luna Lovegood is talking to the wall.

Girtrude's really super-strong,

Gaz's GameSlave functions wrong.

Bitters acts like nothing's funny,

Colette's cheery, bright, and sunny.

Regal, Raine, and Kratos do the best they caaaaaaaan…

THEY'RE SPAAAAAAAACE CASES!

"Did you guys hear something?" asked Ginny as the group went silent.

"It was a song… and it had some of our names inside it," said Luna. "How very peculiar."

"I bet it was coming from here," said Tak, who was studying the controls on a huge panel. "This is part of the communications equipment on the ship… and I could've sworn I detected a sort of energy coming through here…"

She talked very fast, embarrassed that she, Zim, and Girtrude had been exposed and were now temporarily stuck in alien form. Nearly everyone else was silent, still getting over the shock of being hurled into space while their home planet was, apparently, going to be destroyed.

"Tak… Zim…" Hermione finally muttered. "This goes against all scientific proof that aliens don't exist. And it seems Dib was right… for once…"

Dib danced a dance of victory for his correctness. Some were highly upset, not only because they were in the presence of dangerous aliens, but because Dib had been completely right from day one and they had been completely wrong. Still, in the end, it mattered very little if they died out in space, or if the earth was destroyed.

"It's true," said Zim. "There are many, many races out there that you pathetic humans don't even know about. The mightiest of all, of course, is the Irken race, the one Tak and I belong to. We're going to bring the entire universe under our control in order to—"

"So you were sent to Earth to conquer us!" cried Dib. "Guys! Don't you see? This is our perfect chance to finish off these aliens once and for all!"

"Dib," said Raine, sharply. "If we were to incapacitate Zim or Tak in any way, how do you expect us to return home?"

"I… uh…" Dib said, frowning. "Dang, you're right."

"But how can we be sure they'll even lead us home?" asked Sheena, spitefully. "How do we know they aren't just leading us to Irkia or whatever their planet is called? They could have been in cahoots with Klorb this whole time and—"

"Klorb was acting on his own," said Tak. "Even against the Almight Tallests' orders to stay away from that part of the galaxy until it was ripe for conquest."

"Which is why I was there," interrupted Zim.

"Yes…" said Tak, though her eyes were slightly shifty for a moment. "But… it doesn't matter, we're nowhere near there now. For the love of Irk, we're near the DORMIR Nebula!"

"I've never heard of such a Nebula," said Raine, Genis, Hermione, and Dib at the same time.

"That's because your inferior human space equipment could never match that of our own," said Zim.

"I give you my word as an Irken Invader," said Tak. "I will do everything in my power to return you all to earth. Because… well… as much as it sickens me to say it… I've grown to… stomach… a good majority of you. Sure my happy-go-blissy persona was an act… at first… You were kind to me, and you were caring. Not like at the Irken Training Academy, where they didn't care about your personality and only wanted you to become a robotic Invader…"

She was pouring her heart out, and a few actually softened. Zelos, however, still seemed very upset, and quickly left the bridge. Nobody stopped him at first, until Tak finally called after him and gave chase. Nobody bothered to follow; many were still unable to accept what had happened.

"For the record, I still want to destroy you," said Zim.

"This… is not a good turn of events," said Raine. "However, I think it would be best if we did whatever we could to keep everything running smoothly. From what I could tell, when we took off, the internal structure of the building rearranged itself. I feel it would be in our best interests to explore the ship in groups of four or five and report back to the Bridge. I will stay here to examine this equipment and figure out how it works."

"Good idea, Professor," said Hermione, "We've got three exits to choose from… oh, and someone needs to keep an eye out for Tak and Zelos, we don't want them to get hurt or lost."

"Who put you in charge?" asked Genis, flatly.

"This is not the time for being catty," Hermione replied, coolly. "We're in a life-threatening situation."

"Too true. Kratos, Ms. Bitters, and I will stay behind, the rest of you go explore and find whatever you can," said Raine.

"I shall remain as well to instruct you on use of these machines," Zim said, looking at them with interest.

"I'm gonna stay here as well," Dib said. "To keep an eye on Zim… and see what that neat-o computer does!"

"Girtrude, come with us," said Colette as she, Regal, Lloyd, Sheena, and Genis made to exit out the west door. "We're going to see if we can find the kitchen."

"I dun wanna!" cried Girtrude. "My legs hurt!"

"Your legs are made of metal, Gir," said Zim, "You no longer need to use that nickname."

"B… But I like it!" wailed Girtrude, smacking his tiny fists upon the ground.

"He's just cranky. He hasn't had his juice," said Luna as she, Gaz, Presea, Countess von Verminstrasser, and Professor Trelawney left through the east exit.

"We're going this way," said Harry as he led Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Neville, and Peaches out the north exit.

"Iggins, where are you going?" asked Raine, kindly.

"I'm going nowhere!" Iggins giggled. "I wanna see this computer, too!"

"As you wish," sighed Raine. "Snape, will you be joining us as well?"

"Of course," replied Snape in an icy tone. "It's better than chasing after those idiotic students."

"I might have guessed," muttered Raine, turning back to the computer.

**Lloyd's Group: Deck C. Kitchen and Dining Area**

"Wow!" cried Genis as he raced into the kitchen area. "This is so high-tech!"

"Indeed," said Regal as he walked over and examined a microwave that had a keyboard. "You can just tell it how to cook your meals and it'll do exactly as you tell it."

"Cool! The tables are so cool," said Colette. "And look, look! If you press this button, it changes colors. Watch!"

She pressed the button, but nothing happened. She frowned and pressed it again, but still no response. Finally, she jabbed the button about twelve times, which caused the table to begin changing colors about once every three seconds. Horrified, she stepped back.

"And the klutz strikes again," muttered Sheena, shaking her head.

"This is boring," whined Lloyd. "Isn't there an arcade or something?"

"Unlikely," said Genis. "This is a school building, after all."

"If there's a classroom and no game room, I'm gonna be real upset," muttered Lloyd.

"I really do like it here," Regal muttered. "I think I could get used to this place. I'm going to apply for Chief of Kitchen Staff when we assign duties."

"We're going to get assigned positions?" asked Lloyd, frowning.

"Yes. You children all need something to do, so we're going to see your strengths and decide where to put you," replied Regal.

"What are the options?" asked a curious Genis.

"As of now, we have only a few. Kitchen, Housekeeping, Engineering, Bridge, Archives and Research, and Medical. A professor will be the head of each section, but you students will do most of the work," explained Regal.

"You all managed to come up with those positions pretty quickly," Genis said, sighing.

"We had a contingency plan," said Regal, shrugging.

"That's messed up," said Sheena, "We do the work, you get to rest?"

"Now, now, Sheena," Regal replied. "Don't get the wrong idea; you do the work during the day. We'll be running the ship at night, while you all sleep."

"Fantastic," muttered Lloyd. "This still sucks."

"If we don't all pitch in," warned Regal. "We'll never get back home."

"That's true. Come on guys, let's just remain optimistic!" Colette said, smiling her normal, radiant smile.

"Colette, how do you manage to stay happy in these situations?" asked Genis.

"It's called 'Denial,' Genis," Sheena whispered as they returned toward the Bridge.

**Luna's Group: Deck E. Engine Room.**

"I think this is the right door…" muttered Luna as she pushed open yet another door.

"By all the heavens!" cried Trelawney. "Just look at that spectacular engine!"

Inside the circular room, a large, cylindrical machine stood straight up to the ceiling. Metallic in color, countless buttons, wires, and cords were on and connected to it. The translucent covering allowed them to see the electricity coursing through and powering the ship. A couple of other displays gave reports on ship functions, such as life support systems, shields, weapons, and various other things.

"Hey, what's this?" said Gaz, spying a locker in the corner. "It looks like it contains things."

"I will open it," said Presea, taking her ax and violently slamming the door, which burst open.

"The Spirit of St. Hitler smiles upon us again," Verminstrasser whispered as her eyes bugged.

Contained in the locker was a large array of futuristic-looking guns. They had plasma shooters, beam rifles, small side-arms that shot volts of electricity, and even a few swords of pure energy. Gaz, Presea, and Verminstrasser raided the metal locker as though it was Christmas all over again, while Luna studied the engine closely. Trelawney had contracted Narcolepsy on the trip up and was now asleep under one of the control panels.

"We must tell the others!" Verminstasser said, chuckling, "I will head up the Ship Defense area of this space vessel!"

"Do we have to?" said Gaz, not looking thrilled at the idea that she might have to give up her new toys.

"Yes, for the Master Computer wishes to inventory everything we have," said Verminstrasser, sweeping out.

"Let's go, guys," said Luna. "If we stay, here, we might get radiation poisoning since we don't know what that engine runs on."

"What about Trelawney?" queried Presea.

"She'll wake up in about twenty minutes," said Luna. "But be warned; she'll have a strong craving for iced coffee."

"That is so wrong…" Gaz muttered as they reached the stairs.

**Hermione's Group: Deck B. Habitation**.

"Wow…" said Harry as he led the group into the habitation area. "This is… beyond amazing."

"The beds are just little… circular holes in the wall…" Ron said, glancing into one.

"With attachments for computers, music players, DVD players, and all manner of other technological wonders!" Hermione gasped. "This is fantastic!"

"And look at this," said Ginny, standing near a table in the center of the room, "This thing can store and recall any possessions we entrust to it. This is sweet!"

"I can recharge while you all sleep," Peaches said gleefully as she found a plug-in that fit her cord. "This is much more convenient and less boring for me!"

"Look at these video games," Neville said, flipping through a small rack where a huge wall-mounted TV loomed. "Some of these look so advanced and I haven't ever heard of them before!"

"Me neither," said Harry, glancing through. "They look to be of futuristic alien design."

"I'll bet Luna knows all about it," muttered Ron in a dark voice.

"Well, we've got to report our findings to the Bridge," said Hermione in a very crisp, decisive voice. "We promised we'd report anything we found to them immediately."

"You mean _you_ promised," grouched Ron, but he followed everyone else out of the room anyway.

**Zelos and Tak: Deck D. Sick Bay and Rec Room.**

"Zelos?" Tak asked, as a door opened revealing a large medical unit.

It had beds much like those in the habitation area. Tak was slightly amazed by the number; twenty at least. Much more than required for a ship this size. Tools of all shapes and sizes were strapped to the wall, each connected to a large life support system that spanned one entire side of the ship. Platforms and capsules were arranged in the room so that people could be tended to. But what Tak was looking for was sitting near a window, staring into space.

"Zelos… babe… I'm so sorry," she muttered, walking over and sitting next to him, staring at her feet. "I never meant to hurt you like this."

"Why didn't you ever tell me?" he asked. "Why'd you have to keep this a secret?"

"Well… to be frank, at first it was because I was getting a better understanding of the human relationship and its dependence on 'lust'…" Tak explained, looking upset. Then she hesitated. "But after that… I was afraid you wouldn't love me. Your attraction to only earthly girls of certain body volumes and figures frightened me away from showing you my true self…"

"But still… you didn't think I would love you if you showed me the real you, correct?" Zelos muttered, looking equally upset. "I didn't want you to ever think that about me."

"When I came here originally," Tak said. "I planned to takeover this pathetic world and enslave everyone. But I wasn't kidding about what I said; I've grown to like everyone at this school. Except maybe Zim and Iggins, but nobody really likes them of course… but I… found a new emotion with you. And I believe it is what you humans would call… desire."

"Tak… do you still love me?" Zelos muttered, looking at her with his puppy-dog eyes.

"With all my squiggly spooch," Tak replied.

There was a silence that lasted about a half a minute. Tak stared into Zelos' eyes, and he stared right back. The look on his face was unfathomable. Thoughtful, yet still reluctant and worried. And then, he broke into a smile.

"To be honest," said Zelos. "I kinda like the whole alien race idea… You've got quite the body, with or without your human disguise. I like it."

"Oh, Zelos!" cried Tak, hugging him. "Let's get back to the Bridge. I've got to get you all home."

"Amen to that," said Zelos, leading her towards the lift that would take them back to Deck A.

**Everyone else: Deck A. The Bridge.**

"I've never seen any computers like this," said Raine as she scanned screens for any sort of readable information. "The characters are a mixture of many things. I can't really make heads or tails of any of it."

"Nor I," said Kratos. "And I've been alive for four thousand and forty-seven years. You pick up quite a few languages in that time, mind you."

"Ms. Bitters? Any luck?" asked a now-desperate Raine.

"Nothing," replied Ms. Bitters, who had been tapping the keys on the large machine. "This extends beyond even my knowledge. My Room will need a new few books, I am certain."

With that, she promptly shot over to a nearby console, ripped the keyface off of it, and sat down, producing a typewriter from nowhere and beginning to furiously type something. Dib caught the flying keyface before it hit the ground.

"I've studied many alien languages," said Dib. "And this seems to be a large mixture. I can pick out some of our Earthly characters, but I also see from the alien races of the Irken, Meekrob, Spung, Vulcan, Wookie, Andromedan, Cruxis, Japanese, Kel'hetze, and Blorkin… as well as dozens of others even I can't identify."

"I can help you there!" came the angry, robotic voice of the Master Computer as he shot out of the ceiling and landed upon the ground. "I'll just filter anything that isn't in Earth Language."

"How long will that take?" asked Raine.

"Judging by the amount of alien languages… I'd say about eight hours. We should be ready by morning," replied the Master Computer.

"Foolish humans. I could easily have this translated in a mere ten earth minutes," said Zim.

"Oh? You can?" said a startled Raine. "Well, please do."

"Gir! Begin the translation now!" commanded Zim.

"Okay," said Gir, smiling stupidly. Then he twitched for a second. "I can't."

"… I just replaced your translator before we went to the Academy. Why won't it work?" asked Zim.

"Because I took it out," said Gir, grinning.

"WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?" screamed Zim.

"I had to make room for Gorfy, duh!" said Girtrude, withdrawing the Chihuahua from his head. The dog snarled and ran from the room.

"I'll get to work, then," said the Master Computer, sighing and retracting to the ceiling.

"Well, now all we've got to do is figure out how to use a communicator machine," said Kratos. "That way everyone will return to—."

"That will not be necessary," said Presea as her group returned. The other groups arrived seconds after she said this.

"We've found some great stuff!" Hermione cried. "It's so exciting!"

"Anything you found pales in comparison to this," said Verminstrasser, cradling one of the laser guns as though it was her first born daughter. "I need to shoot something."

"Start with Iggins," said Gaz. "He's being suspicious."

"Hmm… you're right…" said Verminstrasser, contemplating.

Iggins, who had been watching lots of the lights until it nearly sent him into a seizure, glanced over upon hearing his name. Verminstrasser then grinned, pulled back the hammer of the small gun, and gave chase with a hunter's scream. Iggins panicked and dashed out the nearest door, and the insane Nazi teacher followed.

"Now that that's over," said Raine. "Children, please go to bed, the Professors have many things to discuss. You will receive your assignments in the morning."

"Alright, goodnight Professor. Girls, follow me. I'll show you to your dorms," said Hermione, walking out briskly.

"Blokes with me, then," said Ron, flatly. "I feel like a bloody prefect again."

The children left and the professors faced each other. They were in a fix, and they all knew it. Tomorrow, they decided, would be the day that they would begin their journey home. From somewhere on the ship, there was a shot and a cry of pain, followed by hysterical laughter. This was the last sound that was heard before nearly everyone fell into a fitful sleep.

**DAY 3**

Once Upon a Time, In a School In Outer Space

There was a class of misfit kids, from all around the place.

They're trapped aboard a mystery ship, and now have slipped through a spacial rift.

And now they're stuck on a long, dumb trip!

Gaz Membrane really hates them all,

Iggins isn't ever on the ball.

Zelos is a real big perv,

Colette's always glad to serve.

Sheena's bitchy, Zim is lazy,

Trelawney is friggin' crazy.

Verminstrasser wants to genocide them allllllllllll…

THEY'RE SPAAAAAAAACE CASES!

"I almost had a lock on that," said a frustrated Raine, slamming her fist on the keyface. "I thought I'd be able to get contact with Earth."

"I wonder who keeps sending these messages," said a thoughtful Regal. "Well, it doesn't matter. It's almost time for everyone to arrive…"

The doors opened and everyone filed in, one-by-one. They each wore different colored uniforms to show their rank and position. They had received their assignments and basic training for their selected field of work during the previous day while Master Computer finished sorting out the bugs and glitches in the ships' systems. Finally, everything was functional and full operations could begin.

The Bridge group was headed by Ms. Bitters. She kept the traditional black uniform, though the students wore red. Lloyd sat at the helm, the steering under his control. Harry was Navigation and he kept them on the closet track to earth (according to Raine's estimates). Ron was to be in charge of raising the shields, preparing weapons, and monitoring changes in enemies' attacking patterns. Dib, working in tandem with Engineering, kept a watch on all ship systems to make sure there were no critical changes, and Ginny had taken over communications, though the first two days had been all but silent.

The yellow-clad Engineering group, headed by Kratos, consisted of only three students. Zim and Tak were vital since they were Irken and therefore had more knowledge of engine operations than anyone else. Kratos and Zelos, both having been part of Cruxius for a time, had some knowledge of space travel, so they were the best candidates to assist the aliens. Besides, if Tak and Zim began to argue, they needed someone with authority to diffuse the situation.

Wearing the navy blue uniforms, the Ship Defense group was ruled by none other than Professor Verminstrasser. They were in charge of locating, securing, and using any and all hand weapons on the ship. Gaz, Presea, and Luna had begun daily training simulations, learning exactly how to use the new, futuristic tools while Gaz struggled to get her GameSlave 4 to accept the alien upgrades.

In white uniforms, Snape had traded with Raine to control the Medical group. They, of course, were in charge of monitoring the sickbay and making sure all life support systems were functioning properly. Neville and Girtrude were the only two to have been placed there. This, effectively, reduced the number of capable healers on the ship to two: Neville and Raine.

Raine, meanwhile, joined two of her pupils in purple uniforms, denoting their positions as the Archives and Research group. Their main purpose was to learn anything they could about the ship, the alien races, and the parts of space they were in. Only Hermione and Sheena were in this group. Hermione had her usual unquenchable thirst for knowledge and Sheena knew neglecting to learn about all these alien machines would cause her lynching when she returned to Mizuho.

Genis had opted to join Regal and Iggins in the Kitchen, so he wore a brown uniform instead. They were responsible for preparing meals and snacks and drinks for everyone throughout the day. Iggins was more of a hindrance since every time he pressed a button something would burst into flame or explode, so he was demoted to washing things.

With their Green uniforms, Colette, Peaches, and Professor Trelawney took up the job of Housekeeping, which included picking up after everyone and resetting the beds to their charged state. All three happily went about their duties, smiling and blindly following the orders others gave them.

"Good morning, students," said Raine, addressing the gathered space cadets. "You all know your assignments, so hop to it! Today we're also going to be running a few drills, so interruptions are a possibility. Chop, chop! To your stations!"

Everyone filed to their correct areas, leaving through the various doors and talking to their friends. Ginny began to channel through various frequencies, attempting to pick up some sort of sound or voice communication. Before heading to the Archives and Research area, Raine spoke to Ginny.

"We got another song transmission, but we couldn't pinpoint a frequency. It was in English, so we assume it was from earth, and it had our names again," said Raine. "Most peculiar indeed."

"Alright, I'll keep an ear out," said Ginny, frowning as she was greeted with nothing but silence.

"All ship functions are normal and online," said Dib. "Small fluctuation in the aqua purifier on Deck E, but that's not major."

"Shields and weapons online and ready," muttered Ron in a tired voice. "Just like the past 48 hours we've been here."

"Potter," said Ms. Bitters, resting in the Captain's chair. "Set a course for 422.38/899.11/238.92."

"Aye ma'am," said Harry, "Course set."

"Engage, Irving," Ms. Bitters said.

"Alright!" said Lloyd, shoving the thing forward with gusto.

The ship shot forward, from subsonic to speed of light in a mere three seconds. Anything not bolted down was thrown backward, and this included people. Dib slammed into a monitor, Harry and Ron both fell out of their stations, and Ginny almost strangled herself when the cord to the headpiece caught her as she fell.

"Sorry," Lloyd said sheepishly, steadying the ship.

"Screw up," muttered Ron while Harry nodded.

"Professor Raine has decreed," said Ms. Bitters. "That we shall be doing an Emergency drill in about an hour. We will practice standard evacuation procedures, and Lloyd will get to do some fun spins with the ship to simulate a careening and inevitable crash."

"Yes!" said Lloyd, punching fist into the air. "I always wanted to simulate death!"

"Focus, Lloyd," said Harry, suddenly. "We've got an asteroid belt 28,000 nautical miles at twelve o'clock!"

"Sounds like fun. Let's go!" said Lloyd, pushing forward.

**Deck E: Engine Room**

"All hyper drive engines at full capacity," said Tak, running a scanner over the large object. "Nothing out of the ordinary. Not even a simple fluxuation."

"It would appear that the fuel source is this bit of negative energy," said Kratos, examining a glowing, black sphere.

"What do you reckon it is?" Zelos asked, peering at it with a gaudy, purple magnifying glass.

"Mana, I would assume. Some of shadows' perhaps. And where the hell did you get that magnifying glass?" asked Kratos in a disturbed voice.

"I stole it from Professor Trelawney," said Zelos, grinning. "She won't miss it."

"Zim, have you made any progress with the rerouting of the power sources?" asked Tak.

"Yes, _Tak_," said Zim, obviously annoyed at being told what to do. "When I am finished we will be able to reroute power from any and all other systems to shields, weapons, and engines. There is zero chance of error."

"Look at this," said Zelos, who had moved along the line. "It looks like this black mana is actually the waste product. It starts as this colorless stuff and gets fed through the filter. I've never seen anything like it."

"This is extremely advanced," commented Tak. "But not difficult to understand. This black mass is a life force known as Vishpleegoo. I believe your closest translation is mana, so we will stick with that for the sake of your Earthly ears. This so-called mana is fed through this tube, where it undergoes a process of Ristatioplork. The closest earth equivalent I was able to find is nuclear fission…"

"So the particles are separated into two parts?" Kratos, asked, frowning thoughtfully.

"Sort of. The parts are not identical, as happens with your earthly fission," said Tak.

"Which is COMPLETELY INFERIOR to the types of dividing that we have on Irk," reminded Zim unhelpfully.

"You know," said Zelos. "I bet Symphonia could use this type of technology. We could share it with the world and make it a better place!"

"To hell with that," Kratos said. "We could sell it to the highest-paying company and let them monopolize every other energy source on the face of the planet, thereby rendering us financially secure."

"You're truly evil," said Zelos.

"I was _trying_ to explain this to you," said Tak, twitching. "Stop interrupting me or no candy for you, Zelos!"

"You never gave me candy," said Zim. "ZIM WANTS CANDY!"

"I don't think that's what she meant, Zim," said Kratos, looking uneasy; Zelos looked highly upset.

"Sorry, babe," he said, sheepishly. "Go on."

"As I was saying… it is separated into the useable mana and unusable mana. The usable mana is absorbed through those tubes and used as the driving force behind the engines. The unusable mana is filtered through and returns to where the black mana is," said Tak. "Simple, right?"  
"Would you run out rather quickly, though?" asked Zelos, watching the bright mana quickly decrease. "It looks like we'll be out in like ten seconds!"

"No, that's the beauty of this system," said Tak, smiling. "There are tiny, tiny things so small that even Irken technology only discovered them six thousand earth years ago… there's billions of them in that little clear casing that the black mana is in."

"Atoms," said Kratos.

"Smaller," replied Tak. "Humans will probably not discover them before their extinction. Anyway, with so many, they're always moving and attaching to various things, and that means they'll go for the spent mana. Soon as it does that, it returns to light and moves through the filter."

She was right; the light mana moved through a small tube with a tiny opening at each end and refilled the first chamber, thereby giving more fuel to the engines.

"It only takes one for about eighty-five trillion earth miles of travel," Tak said. "So we could feasibly go halfway around the known universe and back without refueling even once. But we don't know how much of this was used up when it was part of Whitestone, so…"

"We'll have to be careful," concluded Kratos. "And what happens if the mana hits the oxygen in the air?"

"Let's just say… Ms. Bitters likes the word," said Tak. "But nothing short of a dead-on hit from an Irken laser can penetrate it, so no worries."

"Funny how something always goes wrong with those two words," Zelos, muttered, shaking his head.

**Deck B: Hologram Area**

"Girls," said Verminstrasser. "Your performances are improving. You have successfully completed level six of training. Luna, I suggest you be more careful with the sticky bombs; they're very sticky."

"I know," said Luna, smiling and waving her burned hand (patched up courtesy of Neville). "I just forgot they have adhesive on both sides, not just the one."

"Well, anyway," said the instructor. "Your progress is much more than I expected. Do you note any problems?"

"I do not care for this ax," Presea said, glaring stonily at the laser ax she held in her hand. "May I return to mine?"

"You may. But we will have to upgrade it to withstand laser blasts and to cut through space suit armor," said Professor Verminstrasser, reluctantly.

"Much appreciated," said Presea.

"Gaz, are you still having problems with the GameSlave machine?" snapped Verminstrasser.

"Yes," said Gaz in a foul tone. "The stupid thing won't accept anything anymore. And I know I'm nowhere my upgrade limit; I bought the eight exabyte upgrade six weeks before we were launched. It keeps complaining about being not compatible and sprouts some copyright information."

"Fix it," said Verminstrasser. "It will be crucial to training level seven."

"I'm working on it," said Gaz. "I've got at least two lasers, a beam sword transfiguration pack, as well as eight types of missiles inside it, plus a few photon chargers and an imploder. But every time I try to use it, one of the missiles will go off. It's being dumb."

"Luna, any complaints you wish to express?" asked Verminstrasser, glaring at her.

"No. Well, yes. But they're irrelevant and have to do with bubble baths and Muppets on crack, so we'll just ignore that for now," said Luna, still smiling in a lost way.

"Fine. Formation Alpha, Gamma, Delta, Omega! Go!" shouted Verminstrasser, hitting a button that would produce holographic images of generic space aliens with guns.

Presea went to work immediately, slashing violently with her ax, cutting down anything that got in her way. Luna gracefully leapt onto the walls and ran along the ceiling in her rather large anti-gravity boots, before chucking sticky bombs to the heads of the aliens. Gaz shot at a few of them with a plasma pistol and then quickly whipped out the GameSlave, setting it up to use as a beam sword.

A second wave appeared and Presea, without missing a beat, turned on her heel and sent a Beast out that knocked half a dozen aliens into the abyss. Luna flipped down from the ceiling ninja-style with two energy shurikens in each hand, as well as a boomerang that sent out electrical shots at everything it hit. With a screech like an Indian, she let out her brutal attack and decapitated six aliens.

Gaz ran into trouble. She had attempted to change the GameSlave into a minigun, but somewhere there apparently was a coding error. Instead, it reverted back to its original form, started flashing an error message, and then randomly shot off six missiles in all directions. The good news is that it wasted all the remaining aliens. The bad news is that Gaz had a minor conniption and threw the GameSlave at the wall (which Luna caught before it shattered).

"Your skills of combat are improving," said Verminstasser, nodding. "As I knew they would. My only complaints… Presea, fix your ax. Luna, get some anti-adhesive strips for your hands. Gaz… fix that hideous contraption!"

"Yes, ma'am," said Gaz as she sent it into Sleep Mode.

**Deck D: Archives**

"All this lost alien knowledge… it's wondrous!" Raine said gleefully, piling over six books and notepads at once.

"Mizuho will be so impressed with this," said Sheena. "I bet I'll get a promotion."

"I love this map of the universe they created," said Hermione. "I can't wait until we on Earth can understand such knowledge…"

"And these ship functions," Raine said, eyes bugging and face flushed. "It's so advanced even I have trouble keeping up with it at times! This is heaven…"

"I wonder how everyone else is doing…" said Sheena. "And wasn't there some sort of warning about a test of emergency today?"

"Oh… you're very right, Sheena," said Raine, quickly picking up books and disks and computers. "We need to get this place ready immediately! If even one kilobyte of this useful information is lost, I'll throw myself into the vacuum of space."

"We can't do this alone," said Hermione, panicked. "Computer! Contact… the Housekeeping Squad!"

This came with a small alarm and some James Bond music. The door slid open and revealed Peaches and Colette, both standing in very spy-like poses, holding their feather dusters like magnums. The effect was shattered when Colette tripped over the threshold and disrupted the music player, also causing a mild power outage in the area.

"Whoops," she said, smiling and getting to her feet. "Did you need something?"

"Help us tidy this place up and store all the archives," said Raine, breathlessly lugging eighteen gigantic books towards the shelf. "We've only got about ten minutes before the start of the trial."

"Alright," said Colette, picking up some disks. "Peaches, you can get the heavy stuff, alright?"

"Okay," said Peaches brightly, changing her arms into large cranes. "I know all the codes to lockdown the areas so that they can't fall out, too. Master Computer downloaded them to me this morning."

"That sounds dirty coming from a robot," said Sheena under her breath.

"What do you mean, Sheena?" asked Colette in her usual pure, innocent voice.

"Sheena, stop trying to impurify Colette. Ten points from Typhoid," admonished Raine.

"We're still doing that…?" said an incredulous Sheena. "We're likely to die in space and you're worried about a stupid house point competition?"

"It's a good idea to try and continue as much normalcy as possible," Peaches said cheerfully. "That way we remain positive."

"Your optimism hurts sometimes, Peaches," said Sheena, flatly.

"It's her best weapon," said Raine, still struggling with a stack of books.

"Let me help, Professor," said Colette, skipping forward.

"NO! I mean… it's alright, dear… why don't you go push the chairs in?" said Raine, looking horrified.

"Okay!" said Colette, going to do the task.

She managed to get two of them in alright, but she pushed far too hard on the third. This resulted in her running into the table, breaking a leg, and sending six books, twenty disks, and three computers skidding off the side. Hermione felt one of them crush her toe and she howled in pain. Colette looked mortified.

"I'm so sorry!" she squealed. "I didn't mean to do it!"

"It's alright," said Raine. "Let's get her to the Sick Bay."

"Can't you just use First Aid or something?" said Sheena.

"I want Neville and Girtrude to have some practice," said Raine.

"You really are a heartless witch," said Sheena, picking up the stuff Colette had dropped (since Colette was hyperventilating in the corner and Peaches was doing her best to calm her down).

**Deck C: Kitchen**

"Hurry, Genis," said Regal. "We need to have lunch prepared and properly stored before Lloyd executes the drill."

"Alright, I'm going as fast as this stupid computer will let me," said Genis, flatly.

He was struggling with one of the ovens. It would only cook at a certain speed since that was the best way to distribute heat, apparently. Genis knew he could use Fireball and have it done in half the time, but non-Healing magic was forbidden in space until the Archives people could find out whether or not it would have negative effects on the ship itself.

"I'm done!" called Iggins from the bullet-proof door that led to the dish washing area. "Can I come out now?"

"No," said Regal, quickly looking about, "You… have to wash… these…"

He opened a random drawer and started shoveling spoons into the chute by the handful. The chute was the place that dirty dishes were sent when they needed cleaning. This also stopped Iggins from leaving his small, secluded room, thereby making sure the kitchen was as safe as could be.

"But they're not dirty!" cried Iggins.

"They have not been sterilized properly. Get to work, child!" Regal shouted.

"You're good at beating people down," commented Genis.

"Well I am the Lezoreno Company President," said Regal, smirking. "And your soufflé's on fire."

"DAMN TECHNOLOGY!" screeched Genis, bailing it out quickly.

**Deck D: Sick Bay**

"Code Green, possible broken toe," Raine said, rushing Hermione into the waiting area on the sickbay.

"Hiya," said Girtrude, who was manning the front desk. "What'd'ya need?"

"We need to get her," said Raine, pointing to the pained Hermione. "Into the Quick Care Unit."

"Okie dokie," said Girtrude. "First, she needs to dance."

"I can't dance on a broken toe!" hissed Hermione, "Are you mad!"

"But… I… I like dances," sniffed Girtrude. "They're all that keep me from self-destructing… that's why I watch the DDR players at the R-Kade sometimes…"

"I'll do a dance, then," said Raine. "Will that be enough?"  
"… yes!" said Girtrude, smiling. "Insurance will pay the rest."

"Alright," said Raine. "Fair enough."

She quickly did the dance that had made her famous in Asgard. Hermione twitched, but said nothing. Girtrude swayed along and then went and got a levitating stretcher, which Hermione was strapped down to.

"Here we go!" said Girtrude, kicking his boots into high gear and shooting them into the Ward at about sixty miles an hour.

They came to an abrupt stop in one of the areas for examination. Snape stood by the door, looking uninterested. Neville, wearing one of those funny headbands with the silver circle thing in it, stood over Hermione. He frowned and examined the toe, having the computer run other diagnostic checks on her.

"Computer, give me an X-Ray on the right phalanges," commanded Neville, turning to a screen. "Aha. Just as I thought. Two fractures, simple and fixable. Girtrude, get me the paste."

"Paste?" Hermione gasped, sitting up. "What are you talking about?"

"Here you go!" said Girtrude, handing him a large, green jar.

"Thank you, Nurse Girtrude. Now go back and watch the front desk, and prepare for the drill."

"Yes, sir!" said Girtrude, flying out and slamming into Snape along the way.

"Professor, you might want to grab a seat," said Neville, strapping his feet to the ground while also tying Hermione down. "We're going to start soon."

"Longbottom, I think I can deal with it myself," said Snape, still leaning against the wall. "But Ms. Granger looks to be in extreme pain. Perhaps you should help her?"

"I'm aware," said Neville, coolly. "Hermione, this will be very cold and unpleasant, but it heals quicker than anything else."

"Alright," said Hermione, now bound to the bed. "Let's just get this over with…"

**Deck A: Bridge**

"Bridge to ship," said Ms. Bitters. "Our drill will begin in ten seconds."

"All functions normal again," said Dib. "Minor power abnormality in the Archives area has been corrected."  
"Can I go now?" whined Lloyd, at the controls.  
"Three… two… one… ENGAGE!" shouted Ms. Bitters, strapped to her chair.

"WHOOO!" cried Lloyd, pulling the ship into a somersault.

The bridge crew found themselves clinging to anything they could. Though they had strapped themselves in, Ginny and Dib still managed to get free of their restraints and were then holding themselves to their respective consoles as Lloyd continued to steer the ship in all directions.

In the Archives area, Sheena had just finished putting the last of the books away and felt the first flip coming. She quickly did a leap to the nearest outcropping and braced herself inside of it as the chairs and desks began to tumble around the area. She, however, was safe in her little enclosure.

In one of the halls, Peaches and Colette screamed and yelled with every drop and spin. They had gone to one of the stations specifically set-up for this kind of emergency, but the stations resulted in lots of bouncing around and getting whiplash. Colette was still trying to clamp a bag over her mouth as she was still breathing too quickly, and Peaches couldn't help because she had somehow jammed a wire into a small hole in the wall and was stuck.

Regal and Genis were both safely attached to their own safety spots and all the food was stored safely. They figured they were all good to go and that there would be no problems from their department. And then they heard Iggins' squeals of pain and the crashing from inside the dishwashing area and both sighed. More work for them later, it would appear.

Luna, Gaz, Presea, and Professor Verminstrasser were all, of course, prepared and contained in small, clear chambers that kept them safe and whiplash free. But just down the hall, in the Engineering department, a door malfunction had stopped them from getting to safety. Instead, Kratos and Zelos were flying with their angel wings while Zelos cradled Tak. Zim, meanwhile, was being thrown all over the area, his screams and yells and various complaints of organs rupturing went on for the duration of the spin.

Neville and Hermione were perfectly situated for the trip. Girtrude couldn't be hurt by a mere tumbling around a Sick Bay. Snape, however, was thrown headfirst into a wall and then limply tossed about the inside of the room Hermione was in. He came very close to slamming into them at one point so Neville shoved a ventilator in the way and he instead cracked his skull of that and flew toward the ceiling as they became inverted.

"You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that," he shouted to Hermione as the alarms continued to go off.

"I'm sure you're a better man for it," Hermione replied.

When it finally ended, the injuries were tallied up. Many people had small cases of whiplash and bruising from being bounced around. Iggins was not only bruised but had also been thrown into various kitchenwares, resulting in lots of scratches, an impalement, and bleeding. Snape had head trauma; Zim had multiple body trauma. Colette finally got her breathing under control and Peaches managed to get herself out of the wall just in time for dinner. Ms. Bitters declared the drill a "bare pass," and then everyone but the injured people and Neville went to eat a delicious dinner. Nobody noticed a small blip on the radar screen closing in at twice the speed of light.

**From the Author's Mind (June 2011):**

**This was actually one of my favorite chapters to write, along with the next one. I apologize for the formatting that may or may not be screwed up on . I had to download it from the website due to more computer crashes (I only had the first 12 chapters on my back-up drive apparently…) and looking at it right now there's only one space between periods. I refuse to fix it because that will take FOREVER. Also, I loved making up new versions of the Space Cases theme. Now to try and get in contact with them again…**


	14. Chapter 14: Space Cases, Part 2

**From Luna's Mind: (June 2011)**

**Oh… hi there… it would seem we're still out in space and things aren't looking so hot for us right now. Well, I guess technically they are since we're near that star, but I hope it doesn't explode. They do that sometimes when I'm around. Anyway, we're trying to get home and make contact with Earth, so hopefully we'll be able to do so without any other incidents…**

Chapter 14: Space Cases, Part 2

**DAY 7**

Once Upon a Time, In a School In Outer Space

There was a class of misfit kids, from all around the place.

They're trapped aboard a mystery ship, and now have slipped through a spatial rift.

And now they're stuck on a long, dumb trip!

Genis Sage is a little brat, ("HEY!")

Sharfiah-Latifah is really big and fat. ("QUACK!")

Hermione's helpless as a fawn, ("AM NOT!")

Ron never knows what's going on. ("SOD OFF!")

Tak is skanky, slightly whorish ("I'LL KILL YOU!")

Harry's tactless, very boorish ("SHUT UP!")

Snape's hair is so very greasy and diseeaasseed... ("FIFTY POINTS FROM FENCE!")

THEY'RE SPAAAAAAAACE CASES!

"Damn!" hissed Ginny. "That defiantly came from Earth, but I can't get a lock on who it was."

"They'd better watch who they continue to insult," observed Harry. "And if they're from Fence, they will face our wrath when we get home."

"Don't say stuff like that, mate," said Ron. "You're starting to sound like Gaz."

"Heaven help me," Harry said, looking alarmed.

"I'm going to try and re-lock to that," said Ginny, furiously bashing away at her keypad.

"Lloyd," said Dib from the monitoring area. "We finally have all ship functions back online after our drill the other day. The faulty Aqua Purifier on Deck E finally works correctly and the broken lights on Deck B are now repaired."

"Thanks for the useless information," Lloyd said. "Care to give the weather as well?"

"There's no weather in space, silly," said Peaches, who was dusting off the console Ginny normally worked at.

"That's the whole point, Peaches, it's called sarcasm," said Harry, shaking his head.

"I wasn't programmed with that," replied the ever-cheery Peaches. "But that's alright, I can try and write a new program…"

"Don't do that," said Ron, becoming as horrified as Harry. "We already have one faulty machine around here, we don't need another."

"And what would that be?" asked Colette as she cleared out the dirty uniforms from the area and placed them into the washer unit which was, for whatever reason, located on the Bridge.

"Gaz's GameSlave is still acting up," said Ginny in a low voice. "It ruptured an oxygen tube on Deck D today and nearly killed half the people in the Sick Bay."

"You mean we haven't gotten them healed yet?" complained Ron. "This ship should be able to cure anything."

"I think Zim's faking, actually," said Peaches. "But Snape still has a big bump and the fork that Iggins somehow managed to jam into his arm seems to have joined his body. Removal might be more complicated than we expected."

"And I assume our Archives and Research friends haven't found anything?" sighed Lloyd.

"Nothing but ship functions and various things about supernovae in the area. We had to tear that one out of Raine's hands before she'd look at anything else," said Peaches.

A bleep sounded through the ship. This was the new intercom system discovered the previous day. It allowed far more effective communication between the different parts of the ship.

"Hello, Bridge," came Tak's voice. "This is the Engineering department."

"What's your status, Tak?" asked Lloyd, happily piloting the ship past a meteor streaking in the other direction.

"Well Zim has _finally_ finished the circuitry to reroute power to the weapons and shields. In the event of an emergency, we will be able to send all power from non-essential systems to our combat systems. And our engines continue to run at full capacity; the Vishpleegoo is still at a percent of eighty-six, based on my calculations," Tak said, quickly.

"Anything else?" asked Lloyd, still careening into various places that he shouldn't be.

"Professor Verminstrasser popped in a minute ago and informed us that they're going to use Deck B for a Level 19 Simulation, as she called it. She said to ignore any warnings of system failures since the girls need to learn how to survive without oxygen or something like that," affirmed Tak.

"Understood. Thank you, Tak," said Lloyd.

"Call us if you need us," replied her voice.

"At least things have been quiet the past few days," said Harry. "No drama, no violence, no near-fatal collisions with stars…"

"Don't you remember the other day when we almost slammed into the Giddy Star? That new one that Colette got to name?" Ginny gasped. "I thought we were goners."

"I knew we'd miss it," Colette said, smiling. "It looked like too much of a happy star to hurt us."

"All done," said Peaches, dusting her "hands" off. "The Bridge is spotless."

"Thanks, ladies. Same time tomorrow?" suggested Ron, hopefully.

"Of course," they said, smiling and flouncing away.

**The Archives Area.**

"I can't believe how much we've learned about this in the past four days!" cried Raine, who was still going strong through the research materials. "We haven't even touched on the geography of this galaxy yet but I can still name all 308 stars in our vicinity!"

"Some of the clothing these people from different alien races wear is rather interesting," said Sheena, smiling and gazing at a foreign dress with plenty of hidden pockets for money and weapons. "They're not afraid to show off their bodies."

"I think I recall seeing something about a secret wardrobe when I searched the ships' schematics for a secondary library hinted to in The Starship Manual, 438th Edition. But I may be mistaken," Hermione said vaguely.

"Sheena, you should be working on ways to lock-on to signals, just in case we get another message from earth," scolded Raine.

"I'm sorry," said Sheena. "I didn't realize we were under a Nazi regime here."

Raine threw a book at her, but Sheena ducked. The door behind her opened and Presea, Gaz, and Luna entered. Luna caught the book and immediately sat on the ground, reading it happily. The other two bad-temperedly went to an unread section and opened a few books, without so much as a word.

"Um… need some help?" asked Sheena, tentatively.

"No!" snapped Gaz, riffling through an old-fashioned book with a temper. "I gotta figure out how to fix this stupid contraption before I shove it into Iggins' eye sockets."

"Still malfunctioning? I thought you fixed it with that new code I found yesterday," said Raine.

"It stopped the random missile firing," said Gaz. "But it still gets stuck on certain weapons and occasionally BSoDs on me."

"BSoD?" asked a confused Hermione.

"Blue Screen of Death. A common ailment associated with machines. Immediate system failure and termination of all running processes. Peaches and Master Computer are also susceptible to it," replied Presea robotically.

"How did your tests go today?" asked Raine. "Without life support, I mean?"

"Oxygen is for the weak-minded," said Gaz, dismissively. "We all passed."

"That's good," said Raine, returning to a nearby laptop. "I wonder if this little section on nuclear fission can show some insight on the way this ship operates…?"

"Not possible," said Presea. "Tak explained it already to Zelos and the others in Engineering. It is beyond our capability to understand."

"Well," said Raine snootily. "I will not stop researching until I find my answer."

The door opened again and this time Genis and Regal entered, both removing their aprons and hats. They were deep in discussion about something kitchen-related so nobody bothered them as they went toward a section that was digitally labeled "Cooking" (Raine had found a digital labeler and had labeled everything on Decks C to E before it finally ran out).

"What's up with you two? Why aren't you in the kitchen?" asked Sheena curiously.

"I left Iggins and Professor Trelawney in charge of lunch," said Regal, accessing a console.

"That means anyone who eats is probably going to wind up dead before second shift," said Hermione in a low voice.

"You may be right. But we found this secret cupboard of all these alien spices. We're trying to figure out how to use them," said Genis. "Some taste rather good and some are alive I think."

"I'd say ask Gir. He'd know about that," suggested Luna.

Hermione stood up suddenly, glancing frightfully at her watch, "I'm late," she said, sighing.

"Where are you going?" inquired Raine.

"Physical therapy. Neville wanted to make sure my toe healed properly with that stuff," said Hermione. "Be back for second shift."

"Alright," said Raine. "I think tomorrow we'll start implementing classes into our work schedule."

"Sounds delightful," said Hermione with a genuine smile as she exited. Everyone else looked vaguely ill.

**The Sick Bay.**

"Okay, so, Girtrude," said Neville as he walked along the Sick Bay. "I've seen Iggins already and we've got a new cast for his fork arm. Zim is still complaining, Snape is still out of it… have I anything else to do today?"

"Hermione is gonna come so you can break her toe again," said Girtrude, chewing on a corner of the clipboard.

"Er… right…" said Neville. "I was kinda joking when I said that. Oh well. Ah, Hermione!"

Hermione had just walked in, dragging a bag of files with her. She smiled and waved, looking flushed. Neville walked her over to a small area in the sickbay with two beds. One was empty; the other contained Professor Snape who was smiling merrily at the ceiling, a look of utmost joy on his face.

"What's wrong with him?" asked Hermione in a low voice.

"After he hit his head he's been kinda screwy. I can't figure out how to get him back to normal, either," said Neville in a whisper. "Just ignore him, he'll be alright soon. Although none of the things I've tried work on him."

"Are you alright, Professor?" Hermione asked quietly.

"_Row, row, row you're boat, gently down the stream…_" sang Snape. _"Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily life is not my dream!"_

"Improperly quoting Muggle Nursery Rhymes," Neville said. "Girtrude, add that to the already extensive symptom list."

"Righty-tighty!" squealed Girtrude, doing as he was commanded.

"So, Neville, how does my toe look?" asked Hermione.

"Well…" said Neville, taking a quick x-ray. "It looks like it healed perfectly though part of your nail seems to be a silver color. Girtrude, analyze!"

"Aighty-mighty!" Girtrude sang, doing so. "… Um… it's… uh… … … it's silver."

"Add that to the side-effects list," ordered Neville.

"Kitey-Bitey," said Girtrude.

"You screwed around with his mind, didn't you?" Hermione accused.

"Only the rhyming area. I think I spilled some coffee into it," Neville admitted as Girtrude flew into a wall and onto Snape's head (he immediately began to sing Humptey-Dumpety).

**The Bridge.**

"I've got it!" cried Ginny, standing up from her console. "I've got the signal!"

"The reading from it is extremely strong," said Dib. "I've locked us on."

"Very good, children," said Ms. Bitters. "It only took you 181 hours, 15 minutes, and 21 seconds. You all get 30 points for each of your houses and a cookie."

"Yes!" cried Harry and Ron.

"I love cookies," Colette said, smiling and entering.

"You didn't do anything. You don't get a cookie," Ms. Bitters scolded.

"Oh…" said Colette, looking momentarily sad.

"Incoming message," said Ginny. "But I've got the area now. Dib is rerouting the coordinates to you, Harry."

"Understood," said Harry, checking his own console. "Wow, we were only off by sixteen million miles. Not too shabby."

"Display message on screen," commanded Lloyd.

"Aye, sir," said Ginny, pressing a few buttons.

On the display screen in front of them, static appeared. Then a flash of a small area with three people, one facing the screen, and a lyrics sheet. The same theme music that had accompanied them in the previous transmissions returned. Everyone groaned.

Once Upon a Time, In a School In Outer Space

There was a class of misfit kids, from all around the place.

They're trapped aboard a mystery ship, and now have slipped through a spatial rift.

And now they're stuck on a long, dumb trip!

Presea swings her ax of death,

Verminstrasser hates with every breath.

Neville's real easy to scare,

Ginny's never in despair.

Dib has unrivaled devotion,

Snape will not mix you a potion.

Master Computer has a taste for blooooodddd….

THRY'RE SPAAAAAAAACE CASES!

"I'm really getting sick of that song," muttered Lloyd.

"Who are you?" gasped Ginny, still staring at the screen.

The static returned and it showed the same three people as before. A pale, brown-haired boy sat facing the screen and working on a computer. He had just been telling a girl with blonde hair behind him how they finally had a lock on the ship and that maybe it would work this time. He looked up, saw them, and smiled.

"Hey everyone," said the boy, smiling. "It's been a while."

"Are you on earth? What's going on? Where's Klorb? Can we get home? How'd you find us? Who the hell are you?" The questions came like crazy and the boy merely chuckled. The other two (the blonde girl and the tanned boy with dark hair) made their way to the console so that all of their faces were close together.

"I'm on earth, of course," he said. "My name's Matt. I'm a transfer student to Whitestone. And we're doing everything we can to get you home as soon as we can. We've been in close contact with a few friendly alien races who are trying to get you home."

"What about earth? What's the status of our home planet?" Dib asked dramatically.

"Oh… it's fine here," Matt replied, shrugging. "I think Klorb had a bridge dropped on him because we haven't seen him since he dashed into the city to attempt a takeover. But we have the state of Arkansas on high alert; a friend of mine is currently the dictatress and she's given orders for all her subjects to shoot anything green in the area."

"Um… I see…" said Dib, frowning. "Since when is Arkansas a dictatorship?"

"Since June 28th, 2006," replied Matt, smiling. "By the way, meet Emily and Steffen, friends of mine. We'll be working on getting you home until you're here."

"Sounds good. So when will we meet these alien races that are going to help us?" queried Lloyd.

"What are you talking about?" asked Steffen. "You're being escorted right now."

"What? No, we're all alone out here," frowned Ron. "You must have the wrong people."

"No," said Emily, returning to her little station. "According to our data from this super computer thing, you're being escorted by two humungous ships. You don't see them? What's your radar set on?"

"It's set on… basic…" said Dib, heart stopping. "You don't think…?"

"Switch it to advanced, immediately," said Matt, paling. "You've got two huge ships flanking you. They may be enemies."

"Do it," said Lloyd.

Sure enough, Ginny flipped a switch on one of the consoles. The people on the Bridge gasped. Flanking them were indeed two gigantic starships looking more than capable of destroying the Building B with one laser blast. Worse, the moment they were spotted by the school, their lasers began to charge.

"Get us out of here! EMERGENCY RE-ROUTING!" shouted Lloyd.

"We'll cut out so you can save energy," Matt said. "And we're dispatching whatever we can to help you. But the rest is up to you."

"Understood," said Harry. "Go!"

"Gone," Matt said, closing the channel.

"Irving, this is your first true test. Avoid those lasers at all costs," commanded Ms. Bitters.

"Got it," said Lloyd, "Engineering, EMERGENCY RE-ROUTING OF POWER!"

"We heard you the first time," complained Tak, her voice strained "Give us a moment, will ya? This is complicated…"

"Weapon charge at fifty percent," said Ron, nervously. "Do something, Lloyd."

"Suggest a hyperspace jump," said the voice of the Master Computer. "I can get you a little bit closer to earth but it's a long shot. We might lose a few systems in the process."

"Vital systems?" inquired Dib.

"Do you consider hot coffee a vitality?" replied Master Computer.

"Well… hm… alright, do it," said Lloyd. "Prepare to jump. All units, prepare for jump!"

The bridge people secured themselves to their stations. In the Archives area, the confused and alarmed knowledge-seekers quickly secured what they could and took brace positions. In the kitchen, Iggins ran around like a chicken with its wings cut-off and Professor Trelawney lay sprawled out across a countertop, a bottle of space sherry tumbling out of her hands. In the Sick Bay, Girtrude and Neville battened down everyone who needed it.

"It seems like I'm always here whenever something bad happens," said Hermione as she secured herself to the wall with a special harness.

"That's 'cuz you've got a bushy head!" screamed Girtrude, tightening Zim's straps far too much.

"Can't… respirate…" gagged Zim. "Losing… brain cells… coma…"

"Professor Snape, are your binds tight enough?" asked Neville, making sure his head was immobile.

"_Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom, I want you in my room… let's spend the night together from now until forever!_" Snape sang with his eyes crossed.

"Girtrude, make sure to make a note," said Neville as he himself prepared for the jump. "Professor Snape has moved into Venga Boys music. This is getting more and more serious by the moment."

"Aye-aye, Captain!" shouted Girtrude, randomly punching a button on the wall (a probe attached itself to Zim's head and shocked him very violently).

"Sick Bay ready, Lloyd," Neville called into a speaker.

"Got it, Neville," answered Ginny. "All areas of the ship are ready, Lloyd."

"Alright… Tak, let us know…" said Lloyd nervously.

"Cannons charged at 93 percent!" cried Ron. "Lloyd, go!"

"Ready in Engineering, Lloyd!" cried Tak.

"Engage!" shouted Lloyd, thrusting forward on the control panel.

The ship shot forward with a violent, wrenching motion that tossed everyone around slightly (or majorly for those who weren't properly secured). A loud crash came from the ship as anything that wasn't bolted down was thrown backward one again. Raine shrieked as three computers smashed upon impact with the ground. She then fainted in her restraints and everyone around her sighed, momentarily forgetting that they were being chased.

Meanwhile, the enemy ships, not expecting such a small vessel to be able to jump forward so far so quickly, let the lasers go at the same time and the resulting explosion heavily damaged one another. Furious, the captains radioed for back-up and gave chase.

"I can't believe we didn't see them. I wonder how long they've been following us?" said Ginny breathlessly.

"For a few days I expect," said Dib. "Those were Blorkin ships, very advanced and territorial. We must've been in their airspace."

"Blorkin? I wonder if the Irken Armada has tried to fight them yet…" pondered Harry.

"Not yet," said Tak, entering at just the right moment. "They're on our list for conquest. Invader Flick is due for that one unless I'm mistaken."

"Damage report. How is everything, everyone?" asked Lloyd into the speaker.

"The Sick Bay is still fully operational," said Neville. "No injuries except an equipment malfunction for Zim…"

They heard Zim screaming in pain in the background, followed by a violent shocking noise.

"Archives?" Lloyd asked.

They were answered with Sheena assuring them that everyone was really okay, although Raine's sobs almost drowned her out. Sheena told them not to ask and hung up.

"Kitchen?" asked Lloyd tentatively.

"Um… hi Lloyd… it's Colette," came the reply. "Well Professor Trelawney is unconscious from something alcoholic and Iggins is bleeding from the forehead and ear."

"Is Peaches with you?" asked Harry, wondering where the suit had gone.

"Well… you could say that," said Colette, laughing nervously. "She saw Iggins' blood and passed out. Can someone come help me move them? They're kinda heavy…"

"Yeah, yeah, we'll send someone down," grouched Lloyd. "Just stay there and don't touch anything."

"You got it," said Colette, cheerfully.

"Matt? Are you all there?" asked Ginny, re-opening a channel to Earth.

"Yeah, we're still here. It's a good thing you guys got away," said Matt. "Those Blorkin guys are seriously bad news."

"But we have some worse news," said Steffen. "They called for back-up. You'll probably have quite a few on you soon."

"What? We gotta go, Lloyd! Full blast or whatever!" cried Zelos, having just entered with Kratos and Professor Verminstrasser.

"We can't do that," Tak argued, over the speaker. "After a violent, unplanned jump like that we're going to have to run at 80% power while I make sure nothing was damaged."

"But we're going to get shot at!" Ron shouted, "We can't just sit here!"

"Relax," said Emily from the screen. "We've already taken precautions. You've got a displacer that puts you a few million miles away on radar from your actual location. Don't worry about that. And besides, your jump put you out of the Blorkin territory. So you should be fine."

"However," Matt interjected. "You're now in Covenant territory."

"The Covenant? The rival race that is challenging us in galactic conquest?" Tak gasped. "They're on the other side of the galaxy from us, thank Wooril, but we haven't got a hope of beating them if they catch us in force!"

"I wouldn't worry about them either," said Steffen with a mischievous grin. "They're having a small pest control problem, courtesy of Earth, and he's giving them quite an annoyance. Besides, we've got help on the way for you guys."

"Yes. You'll rendezvous with the Kel'hetze and Star Fox units in approximately eighteen hours if you continue on your current course," said Matt, "Professor Verminstrasser? I suggest you run training simulations A-234, B-38, and G-1810 for the defense team. You might want to include a few others in B-38 as well."

"Understood," said Verminstrasser. "We begin at once."

"And as for the rest of you, make sure you've got your weapons handy. Although we've taken all the precautions we can to ensure you don't get attacked, we can't protect against sheer bad luck," Emily warned. "And the Kel'hetzes have assured us that magic is viable in Space. Don't worry about that."

"YES!" cried Harry, Ron, Ginny, Dib, Tak, and Zelos.

"We'll contact you if you have any other issues," said Matt. "We will hopefully see you soon."

"Thanks. Later," said Lloyd, allowing Ginny to close the channel.

"How… why… you know what… screw it," said Ginny. "Let's just try and meet with those people being dispatched. If we can get there before the rendezvous time, maybe we can get out of here quicker."

"You're right. Run your tests, Tak," said Lloyd. "Let's get out of here as soon as possible."

"I'm on it," said Tak, sprinting from the room.

"The rest of us, let's go help Colette so she doesn't strain herself again," Lloyd said, sighing and leaving.

**Back on Earth…**

"How is it that they got them?" Matt asked Emily and Steffen as they sat at their computers, ignoring the rain falling overhead.

"I'm not sure. We've had them marked for weeks. Why didn't our radars tell us that those were Blorkin ships, not Kel'hetze?" Steffen wondered aloud.

"I re-wrote the program in hopes that it'll pick up better this time," said Matt. "But this doesn't change the fact that we need to find a better way for them all to get home."

"Oh hell no!" Emily suddenly hissed at her screen, then turning to the other two. "Guys, more bad news…"

"What now?" groaned Steffen.

"The Covenant just made a U-ie in the middle of the Dormir Nebula. They're headed right for Building B," said Emily, pointing to her radar screen.

Sure enough, a huge mass of red had stopped their normal flight pattern and shot straight for where the Building B actually was. They completely ignored the displaced ship on the radar, going right for the actual ship itself.

"I'll warn them," Matt said, knocking over his chair in a rush. "We've got to… oh damn…"

The signal was being blocked by the Covenant. There was no way Matt could establish a connection with the people aboard the ship. At the rate they were going, the Covenant would intercept the Building B in approximately seventeen hours and four minutes. And they wouldn't be any the wiser.

"How did they do that? There's no way… unless…" Matt said, accessing a new panel. He gasped.

"What is it?" asked the others, walking over.

"_They_ are sending the signal out! Somebody on the Building B is turning them over to the Covenant and everything else! There's a traitor in their midst," Matt said.

**Back on Building B…**

It was ten hours after the first attack on the Building B. The Sick Bay had finally been cleared of everyone except Zim (who was still recovering from the malfunctions), Iggins (who was being treated for multiple body traumas), Professor Trelawney (who was suffering from severe alcohol poisoning), Peaches (who had crashed and was being rebooted by Master Computer), and of course Snape (who had progressed to singing campfire songs and doing imitations of Miss Piggy and Animal from the Muppets, causing Luna great displeasure).

Professor Verminstrasser and Ms. Bitters had run the girls through numerous tests involving the piloting of vehicles of all alien races, and the entire un-incapacitated crew had received a crash course in the various weapons located on the ship. Raine, Kratos, and Hermione had run all the magic-users through a quick review of offensive magic and how to cast it, thus proving that magic would not be impaired in space, even Earth magic.

Regal, aided by everyone who wasn't vital to the Bridge or doing something else, sent the kitchen into mass-production of all foodstuffs and medicines. If they were to do battle, it was likely some systems would be shut down or lost, so preparedness was key. All sorts of fruits, veggies, meats, potatoes, and pies were cooked, boxed, and placed in Stasis containers to prevent spoilage.

As it reached the tenth hour, the spent crew gathered in the Bridge for a final meeting before they were allotted six hours of sleep to recuperate. Raine quickly restored any and all injuries and each head of the department gave a quick report on how they were ready to go and Neville informed them that the Sick Bay would be on high alert. Finally, they went to sleep, expecting to be rescued in eight hours.

Five hours and forty-five minutes later, everyone was jolted awake by sirens. Horrified, the students pulled on their clothing and ran to the Bridge once more to check the radar. At first, they thought it was a malfunction, but then it became apparent that the huge mass of red on the radar was a fleet of ships coming to destroy them; not a glitch in the system.

"All hands to battle stations!" roared Professor Verminstrasser. "Engineers, Bridge Operators, and Sick Bay caregivers, lock-down your stations immediately and prepare for emergency maneuvers. Interception in approximately ten minutes!"

"Try and open a communication with them, Ginny," shouted Harry, ignoring the other students as they fled the Bridge to help with the various areas (all non-essential people were reporting to the Sick Bay; Luna, Gaz, and Presea were to lock-down Deck A, Deck D, and Deck E, respectively).

"Alright," said Ginny, but then she yelled back. "No good! They're responding but in a language I can't translate."

"I'll do it," said Master Computer from the ceiling. "They say… oh… wait, it's obscene. But let's just say they're going to… uh… do certain things to you…"

"Over my dead body," said Lloyd, taking control and steering them in a slight direction away from the oncoming area.

"Attention all crew members. Remember were your emergency escape pods are located," said Ms. Bitters into a microphone. "And remember: your lives depend on your passage of this test. If you fail, we die."

"That's comforting. Way to get everyone in the right frame of mind," muttered Ron.

"This is not the time," hissed Dib. "We've got the first wave moving ahead."

"Analyzing ship stats," said Zim from Engineering. "We've got Banshees at eight o'clock, moving in fast."

"And the next wave will be here about two minutes later. They've got ghosts. Are they planning to board us?" exclaimed Ginny.

"They won't get past me," said Luna in a very cheerful voice, cocking a twelve gauge as she said it. "I'm packing heat."

"Neville, do you have burn kits ready? The banshee fires energy-based weapons and it may severely burn the skin," said Hermione over the public intercom.

"Yep," said Neville. "And Professor Snape just informed me that his toenails were on fire. Judging by the language type he's using, I think he's wishing us luck."

"Get off the damn radio!" shouted Tak. "We need this for emergencies."

"Very good, Tak," said Ms. Bitters. "Ten points to Iko Iko."

"Bitch, please," said Girtrude, though for no apparent reason.

"I've got another message from Earth!" cried Ginny. "Wait… … it says… Benedict Arnold?"

"Whose it from?" asked Dib.

"Earth. Matt and Emily and Steffen sent it… what does it mean?" asked the confused girl.

"We need someone to analyze a message. It may have been hidden to block the sensors on the Covenant's vessels. Raine, Hermione, Sheena, if you will please report to the Bridge?" requested Harry.

"On our way," said Raine.

"DON'T MOVE!" cried Presea over the intercom. "Gaz and I will escort you. We're going to be in combat soon and it would be wise for you to have some protection."

"Meanwhile, Ronald, prepare the ships' defenses," commanded Ms. Bitters. "We don't want to get caught by surprise."

"Aye, ma'am," said Ron, quickly preparing the shields and such.

**Outside…**

The first banshees closed in within minutes. They knew their target was going to be slower than anything they had and their jumping capabilities were laughable. The Blorkin were not difficult to evade by any stretch of the imagination. Not only that, but they were in pursuit as well. It looked as though there would be plenty of conquests taking place at this area. And with the Demon banished, it seemed there would be very little resistance at all.

They swooped in, firing rapidly on the ship. They laughed in victory, watching a few bricks rip off the side and fly into space. But their laughs were replaced with gasps as three hidden cannons extended from the top part and began to fire on them. They turned out of the way and regrouped before a second offensive was launched. This time, it was a large laser that completely obliterated the ships before they had any chance to make a new attack.

Inside the ship, they felt the jolts as the energy shots hit them, but nothing major was altered. All systems operated at near-full capacity. The second wave came in with more fury, but their shots were rebounded by shields placed around the vital areas, such as the Bridge and Decks D and E. One shot hit the area near the Archives and caused a small explosion within. Raine, Sheena, and Hermione happened to be going right by there with Gaz, Presea, and Colette (who had randomly decided to join), and they all screamed and dove to the floor, avoiding the flying knowledge bits.

"The KNOWLEDGE!" wailed Raine, clutching a broken laptop.

"Snap out of it, Raine!" hissed Sheena. "I've got a translator device."

"Continuing progress required," said Presea. "Odds of survival decreasing at a .05% rate every third second."

"Come on!" Gaz shouted, her GameSlave at the ready. "We've still got four floors to go."

**Bridge**

"Wave three… incoming," said Ginny, quickly checking her radars. "I see lots of purple ships of large size. They're dropping creatures into space on those stupid banshees."

"Kamikaze attack, watch out!" shouted Ron, pointing toward the starboard side.

One alien had piloted his ship directly in a crash-course for the Building B. The smaller ship collided and sent a huge shudder throughout the building. The girls shrieked and many of the boys yelled, with nearly everything being knocked to the floor. The windshield was cracked, but there was no penetration. The alien clung to the window, a smirk on his face, a plasma rifle in his hand. Suddenly, a red shot came flying out of nowhere and he was sent flying off into space.

"I see Gaz has managed to get her Communist Laser Unit to work," said Ms. Bitters. "You've done well, Countess."

"Yes," said Verminstrasser. "But I must away to a different deck. The fates are telling me that bad things are about to occur."

She teleported away without a word. The rest of the Bridge continued to monitor the situation and became alarmed when Ginny announced the mother ships were taking on full combat positions. As their lasers charged up, Lloyd initiated a quick defensive maneuver, though it wasn't perfect and a hole appeared on Deck C due to the shot.

"Oh no!" Harry cried. "Deck C has been infiltrated! Air pressure lost… and enemies are dropping in!"

"Attention all hands," cried Ron into an intercom. "Avoid Deck C at all costs; it's been hit and is now taking in hostilities. Defenders, please report there and exterminate the threat."

"Wow, Ron, you've been studying your intercom dialect textpacket, haven't you?" Hermione replied in an approving voice.

"HEY! Who do I have to KILL to get you guys to listen to me?" Tak snarled. "This is for _emergencies_ _only_. Now shut up, I'm going to try and get rid of some of those people in Deck C. Just ignore any bigger crashes unless I say to be concerned…"

A large crash was heard and the ship jolted violently once more. Everyone was silent and a few smiled slightly when they saw a few Covenant aliens tossed out the side. But then there was a larger explosion from the bow end and a whole section of the roof sheared off.

"Easy, Tak," muttered Dib under his breath. "I want to study this ship more when we get to Earth…"

"Okay… concern is good," said Tak in a worried voice. "That wasn't me and we've suddenly had a 20% reduction in speed."

"What?" cried Harry. "Lloyd, do something!"

"I'm doing everything I can to avoid the shots!" replied Lloyd as many banshees flew by the windows. "What else can I do?"

"Send in the Calvary," said Ms. Bitters. "Luna, assemble the others with flight capabilities. It's time to fight back a little bit."

"Sweet," said Luna. "What model should we prepare to fly?"

"We'll capture some Model T-Bone3800s for you," said Ms. Bitters. "Now go. We have some work to do."

"I'm on it," said Luna, cheerfully skipping out and forcing the door to lock with a loud noise.

"Now what?" asked Dib.

"Get me in touch with Tak," said Ms. Bitters. "Private channel. No eavesdropping on pain of castration."

"Channel established," said Ginny. "You're on, Ms. Bitters."

"Good girl. BRB," she said, opening a camera phone and walking into the corridor.

"Guys, there's even more!" cried Lloyd as the massive amount of ships seemed to double in size.

"Do something!" shouted Ron. "Anything!"

"Evasive maneuvers continuing. Ron, why aren't people shooting back?" asked Lloyd.

"… oh, right… that's my job to assemble them…" muttered Ron.s "Well… the weapon controls are in the Rec room, so I'll try contacting the Sick Bay."

"You never cease to amaze me with your stupidity, Ron," complained Ginny.

**Deck D Corridor**

"Nice shooting, Gaz," Hermione complimented Gaz as they watched the alien fly off the bridge. "What was that red laser?"

"A Communist Laser Unit," said Gaz. "And I think I have a hunch as to why my GameSlave has been retarded lately. Give me a few minutes to figure this out as we progress."

"We haven't gotten anywhere," said Sheena. "Between your sniping and Raine's blubbering, we'll never make it."

"Quit your complaining," said Gaz. "Let's go."

They proceeded to an airlock with stairs inside of it. They could hear the sounds of battle; the ship getting hit, the bricks breaking. However, as they mounted the stairs, a massive explosion issued from above them and the stairs were blown apart, showering them with bits of debris and metal (which they all avoided, thankfully).

"What the hell was that?" cried Sheena.

"Attention all hands!" came Ron's voice over the personal intercoms. "Avoid Deck C at all costs; it's been hit and is now taking in hostilities. Defenders, please report there and exterminate the threat."

Hermione was ecstatic for some reason. "Wow, Ron, you've been studying your intercom dialect textpacket, haven't you?"

"HEY!" Tak shouted. "Who do I have to KILL to get you guys to listen to me? This is for emergencies ONLY. Now shut up, I'm going to try and get rid of some of those people in Deck C. Just ignore any bigger crashes unless I say to be concerned…"

"She's so rude," commented Hermione, frowning. "But if we're supposed to avoid Deck C, how are we going to make it to the Bridge?"

"I don't know, but…" Colette began to say but she happened to look right and shriek as there was a huge alien monster smirking at her through a thick, glass wall. However, the smug look turned to one of terror when a huge explosion sounded throughout the stairwell and the alien was violently ripped out of the wall and back into space.

"Well that was convenient. I suppose that was Tak, so let's proceed with caution…" Raine said.

They cautiously made their way up the destroyed stairwell. It was very difficult, especially in the section where eight stairs in a row had been torn apart. Luckily, they made it past there and were just about to enter Deck B when the second explosion rocked the building with even more force.

"My Lord, Tak," said Raine, catching herself. "That's a little extreme, isn't it?"

""Okay… concern is good," came Tak's worried voice. "That wasn't me and we've suddenly had a 20% reduction in speed."

"What?" Hermione wailed. "At that rate, the Covenant will take us over in no more than thirty minutes!"

"We must decode that message," said Sheena. "Hurry, let's get moving."

They continued along Building B, forced to take an alternate route because the debris that had torn off the front of the building were now jammed inside the stairwell, rendering it impassible. They were about to use the lift when the doors opened and Luna appeared, smiling and pointing a shotgun at them.

"Oh, sorry," she said brightly, putting the gun's barrel down. "I thought you were Covenant scumbags and I was going to have to blow your brains all over the ceiling."

"Well… we're not…" said Hermione in a panicked voice, her face pale. "S-so don't do that again, alright…?"

"No problem. Gaz, Luna, Verminstrasser wants us ready to hijack some T-Bone3800's."

"SWEET!" the other two girls cried, leaping into the lift and pressing the down arrow.

"Wait, who is going to escort us?" asked Sheena.

"Your problem now," said Gaz just as the doors closed.

"Let's just open a private connection and analyze it from here," said Raine, dialing the number on her private intercom. "Ginny? Raine here. Send me the message, we'll decode from this area."

"Professor, Deck B is unprotected. I'll at least send you some aid…"

"Do what you must. I'll be here if you need us," said Raine, quickly taking up a defensive corner with the others.

**Deck D: Sick Bay**

"Looks like we're still okay," said Neville, looking around the room.

Snape, Trelawney, Zim, and Iggins took up four of the ten beds in the Sick Bay. Girtrude remained at her post in the front of the Sick Bay, listening to music with headphones plugged in. Genis and Regal watched the battle from one of the small windows.

"We have no protection now," said Neville. "Gaz went with Presea to escort Hermione, Raine, and Sheena. If it comes to it, we'll have to defend ourselves."

"Fantastic," said Genis sarcastically. "I'm glad to know we'll be able to fight off the hordes when they come in."

"Well I don't think it'll be that bad," said Neville, fairly. "You've got an arsenal of magic, Regal has plenty of martial arts, we have two professional wizards and myself, and a robot who no doubt has plenty of fun weapons hidden within his or her body."

"Oh yes. Snape, by the way, how are you?" asked Genis, looking at the Potions professor.

"Oh, God… I can't… you know… the monkeys… they're… yeah… eating my spleen…" said Snape gesturing frantically at his internal organs.

"Oh yes," repeated Genis. "Snape's a big help."

"And Professor Trelawney has a hangover. Zim is still suffering from convulsions now and again from the electricity. And setting off Girtrude's weapons in an enclosed space is a very foolish idea," Regal added.

"You know," complained Neville. "You guys make it really hard to remain optimistic."

This was followed by a massive explosion that rocked everyone around. Genis, Regal, and Neville hit the floor; Snape, Trelawney, and Iggins began to screech like girls, and Zim began to rant about inferior human defenses before another convulsion quieted him. Girtrude continued to bob her head to the music like nothing had happened.

"What the heck was that?" asked Genis, standing.

"Attention all hands," came Ron's voice. "Avoid Deck C at all costs; it's been hit and is now taking in hostilities. Defenders, please report there and exterminate the threat."

"Wow, Ron, you've been studying your intercom dialect textpacket, haven't you?" came a reply from Hermione

"HEY! Who do I have to KILL to get you guys to listen to me?" came Tak's furious response. "This is for emergencies ONLY. Now shut up, I'm going to try and get rid of some of those people in Deck C. Just ignore any bigger crashes unless I say to be concerned…"

There was a crash soon after this, and they could see a few aliens ejected from the hole on Deck C. The airwaves, however, were quiet.

"Well, now that the children will shut up for a minute…" muttered Regal. "Let us prepare ourselves. I've got all the arms I'll need, so…"

"Wait, we don't really have to fight, do we?" asked a panicked Neville. "I'm not ready… I mean…"

"You were just going on about how we could defend ourselves," accused Genis. "Don't tell me you're going to back-out now!"

"I… I… okay, you're right…" said Neville, but this was also followed by the second crash. And this time, the airwaves were not silent.

"Okay… concern is good," Tak said. "That wasn't me and we've suddenly had a 20% reduction in speed."

"Well… that's really bad," said Neville, eyes bugging slightly.

"I suppose we should prepare for battle, then," said Regal, opening a case Professor Verminstrasser had assigned to him before the attack.

"Oh," said Zim, sitting up in his bed. "That sword is shiny. Can I use it?"

"I don't see why not; none of us have trained with the sword, correct?" Regal inquired about the room.

"I did," said Iggins, but everyone ignored him.

"Goodie," said Zim, picking it up and wielding it happily.

"Now, let's see… Neville, I think you should have this—" Regal began but was cut-off by a personal intercom message from Ron.

"Hey… Regal… yeah, it's Ron…" said the teen in an uncomfortable voice. "Listen… I was supposed to mobilize some people to operate the weapons on the ship but I kinda forgot and everyone else is busy so could you grab a couple people to do that for me?"

"Ron," said Regal calmly but furiously. "I'm in the Sick Bay. The only other person who is 100% stable and able to fire the machines is Genis. Neville has to hold down the fort here."

"Well who else is there?" griped Ron.

"Girtrude, Snape, Trelawney, Iggins, and Zim," snapped Regal. "And do you want to trust any of them with our lives at this point?"

Their argument was interrupted by Ginny who requested some aid be sent to the trapped decoders on Deck B. Ron yelled at her for interrupting his channel and she yelled at him for not preparing properly. They were both drowned out by a yelp from Lloyd in the background which was followed by a particularly violent collision with a Covenant ship.

"Alright!" Neville shouted. "Regal, Genis, you go next door and operate the turrets. Zim, you and Girtrude go to Deck B and assist the decoders. I'll stay here with everyone else. Go!"

"Why did they put the weapons in the Rec room anyway?" asked Genis in a bemused voice as they left the Sick Bay and watched Zim and Girtrude fly off to rescue the trapped girls.

"I think it was for practice during non-combat exercises," said Regal. "Thank goodness we made use of them, right?"

"I've never touched them before," said Genis, flatly. "I don't know how they work."

"Me neither," said Regal simply. "Now… what does this big red button do I wonder…"

**Engineering, Deck E.**

"Tak," said Zelos. "Our engines are running at full capacity, but that last hit caused a 2.3% loss of hull stability. Tell Lloyd to be more careful with everything."

"I wouldn't recommend that," said Kratos dryly from his own monitoring console. "He'll just get upset and ram us into the nearest planet out of spite."

"This is true," said Tak, who was glaring at the monitors that showed each individual engine function. "This is also ridiculous. Where are those Kel'hetze morons? They should've rendezvoused with us by now…"

"You're right," said Zelos. "Those stupid, tardy, little—"

They were suddenly thrown violently to the ground. Kratos only evaded injury because he sprouted angel wings from his back and floated above the floor; Tak didn't have the ability and Zelos forgot about it so they both banged themselves up on the ground. Tak was furious, and more-so when she heard Ron and Hermione on the intercom.

"Attention all hands," Ron said, "Avoid Deck C at all costs; it's been hit and is now taking in hostilities. Defenders, please report there and exterminate the threat."

"Wow, Ron, you've been studying your intercom dialect textpacket, haven't you?" replied Hermione, undoubtedly beaming.

"Those idiots… how many times must I say this…" she hissed, pressing a button on her own intercom. "HEY! Who do I have to KILL to get you guys to listen to me? This is for emergencies ONLY. Now shut up, I'm going to try and get rid of some of those people in Deck C. Just ignore any bigger crashes unless I say to be concerned…"

"What are we going to do?" asked Zelos, heading for a control console.

"Depressurize all remaining rooms on Deck C. That should eject everyone else," said Tak. "Oh I do hope Zim isn't on that deck… it would be a shame to lose him."

"Amen to that," said Zelos, pressing the button and causing the whole ship to shudder. "Done."

"Good," said Tak. "Now, the next thing we need to worry about is whether this affected our overall hull integrity shields. Kratos, if you'd be so kind as to run a scan…"

"No problem," said Kratos. "I'll have the results in two minutes max."

"Now, Zelos, honey, would you—"

A second shudder ran through the ship. Suddenly, three alarms went off. The hull's integrity dropped 67%, their speed went down 20%, and life support was completely lost on Deck C. Tak updated the rest of the crew.

"Okay… concern is good," she said. "That wasn't me and we've suddenly had a 20% reduction in speed."

"Why didn't you tell them about the other stuff?" asked Zelos, trying to fix what he could from his console.

"We don't need everyone else panicking more than they are now, and with Iggins around…" Tak sighed.

Suddenly, her intercom beeped. It was a private channel from Ms. Bitters. Tak wondered what she was up to and opened it.

"We need to use a specialized net to capture three of those banshees for my warriors," said Ms. Bitters. "Reroute all unnecessary power to the net makers immediately."

"Understood," said Tak. "This will cause a minor fluctuation in the power. Tell the people on the Bridge not to be alarmed."

"Very well," said Ms. Bitters, closing the channel.

"Kratos, begin rerouting power to the next maker. Zelos, watch for the Banshee waves. We need to capture three of them for Gaz, Luna, and Presea," Tak explained.

"Okay… power rerouted," said Kratos about thirty seconds later.

"Ready… FIRE!" Zelos said.

The multi-colored net extended across and three Banshees were caught in it. A violent wave of electricity coursed through it, shocking the aliens out of their ships and into space. Then, three more figures leapt out of the hole on Deck C, jumped into the Banshees, and flew off. Tak smirked.

"That went surprisingly well," she said. "Now, let's work on fixing our hull, shall we?"

**Deck B: The Translators.**

"Okay," said Raine. "So we've ruled out any sort of hidden acronym, cryptic message, or specific alphabetical letters. What else could it be?"

"It could be something very simple," said Hermione. "Or very complex. We don't know who sent it, so…"

"I'll bet it was Matt, Emily, and Steffen," said Sheena in a bored voice. "Considering they are the only ones who know anything about this."

"There has to be an answer," said Raine. "Benedict Arnold…"

"Wait…" said Sheena, suddenly standing. "I just remembered something Ms. Bitters taught us in Social Study… it was when Iggins decided to rat on Gaz and Presea for their little illegal market of Tootsie Rolls… he was in on it and she labeled him a Benedict Arnold… could it mean…?"

"Of course!" Raine cried. "The _real_ Benedict Arnold! The typical name for one who betrays their friends! Someone has been leaking our position into the other aliens!"

"Who, though?" Hermione cried. "Iggins?"

"I doubt it. He's been out of commission for at least the past day. Plus, he's too stupid to know how to talk to the aliens," said Sheena.

"Well, then, who?" complained Hermione. "It must be someone we know!"

The floor below them suddenly was ripped apart and sixteen aliens leapt up from the depths. They spoke in their language, cackled, and moved towards the girls. Sheena stood, as did Raine and Hermione, but the aliens began to fire wildly, causing the girls to get caught by surprise. Hermione shrieked as a bit of plasma hit her in the arm and Raine found herself nursing a wound on her leg from an energy sword. Sheena was too busy dodging attacks to notice someone arriving right then.

"NOW, GIR!" cried the voice.

"VICTORY SAUSAGE PATTY!" cried Girtrude, sending the bits of meat flying into the monsters. The meat burned them and they wailed and exploded, one by one.

"Thanks, Zim," said Raine. "Take us to the Bridge. We've got to find the traitor in our midst."

"Is it Iggins?" asked a concerned Zim.

"No, we thought so, but it's unlikely," said Sheena. "Come on. I know how we can find our Snitch."

**Outside, in Hi-Jacked Banshees…**

"Gaz, cover my port side," said Presea over her radio. "I'm going in for an attack on the starboard side of that cruiser."

"Right," said Gaz, circling around after disintegrating six enemies with her GameSlave, "And I was right. I figured out the reason some of my parts were acting up before."

"I'll be thrilled to hear about it later," said Presea. "Let's go."

They swooped in together, their Banshees only a few feet apart. Presea opened fire first, her shots taking out turrets on the side of the large ship. Gaz's shots began to break open windows, causing decompression and explosions on the same side. Meanwhile, off in the middle of the fight, Luna weaved in and out of every other Banshee in the area, causing crashes, explosions, friendly-fire accidents, and other misfortunes to her foes. And the whole time all she was thinking about was how much fun it would be to use a 12-Gauge on a Puffapod; she could probably make people with allergies suffer from Ireland to Scandinavia and perhaps some of The Netherlands.

"I see they've finally figured out how to work our weapons," commented Presea dryly as Regal and Genis began to fire the weapons on the ship.

"Indeed. And the Kel'hetze appear to finally be arriving. And StarFox, too," said Gaz, looking first to her left and right. "I say we go upgrade our ships."

"Right. Come on, Luna, we're getting upgraded again," said Presea, flying towards the Great Fox as it moved into the battlefield.

"I love upgrades!" cried Luna, chasing after them.

**Deck A: Bridge**

"So you're sure this will work?" asked Ginny tentatively.

"I'm positive," said Raine, having explained the situation. "Sheena explained the mechanics of it to me. We'll be losing only our hot water for the next eight hours, but we shouldn't really be concerned about that."

"No!" Ron shouted, still panicked. "Especially considering they just brought in that huge tower-like ship! And it's aiming right for us!"

"That cannon has to be at least the size of a small building," said Dib, staring at it. "Definitely something the Covenant would use."

"So this will send out a monitor for all outgoing signals and we will be able to pinpoint the location, right?" asked Harry, checking his facts.

"Correct," Raine confirmed. "Then Sheena, Zim, and Girtrude will go about finding and catching this person."

"I'll go, too," said Colette in her perky way. "I just love capturing criminals."

"Alright… here goes," said Lloyd, pressing a button.

The screen above them changed from a warning from Tak about the ship's hull to a monitor that tracked all outgoing and incoming messages. It only took them about twenty seconds to see an unidentified message leaving the ship, right for the huge Covenant ship on the far side. It was on Deck B, right near where they had been picked up by Zim and Girtrude.

"We're on it," said the people, leaving.

"Incoming message from the Kel'hetze," said Ginny. "They say they're launching an assault on the Covenant and allowing us to escape."

"No way," said Lloyd. "We're gonna make them pay for hurting our building."

"Agreed. Oh, look, their ships are fast," said a distracted Ron, who had finally pulled himself together.

"Kel'hetze ships have a base speed of about sixteen times that of our own ships," said Master Computer, "Which translates to a 1.5% over the Covenant. Their firepower and armor, however, is slightly lacking."

"Well at least their rays are a pretty blue color, unlike that ugly pink the Covenant send out," said Peaches, who was freshly revived.

The area around the school ship became very dangerous indeed. With so many other ships, Lloyd had a hard time maneuvering between the fighters, much less the beams of light being shot between the two of them. The ship took at least sixty shots, but the hull integrity was affected only about 10% thanks to Tak's furious repairs on Deck E. Genis and Regal proved very useful as well, knocking out almost twenty Covenant ships.

"The Kel'hetze inform us that the Star Fox Unit has arrived," Ginny advised, "Watch out for the Arwings."

"Arwings?" queried Harry. "What are those?"

"Haven't you ever played StarFox or one of its spin-offs?" asked Dib. "The Arwings are their ships. Though… there seem to be eight. How curious."

"Why?" asked Lloyd, moving the school sharply to the left to avoid a huge cluster of lasers fired by the mother ship.

"Well Peppy Hare was retired last I checked, Falco was freelancing, and Krystal was still working on her piloting license," said Dib. "Though even with all of them there, we still have three others to worry about…"

"I have established a connection with all StarFox Units," said Master Computer. "And the three in the other Arwings are Gaz, Presea, and Luna."

"They seem to be enjoying themselves," commented Ginny as they watched the radar. "Gaz just took out twelve Banshees with another Communist Laser, Presea trashed an entire wing off the mothership, and Luna just started flinging bombs in every direction."

"One's headed for us!" cried Ron, though too late.

The bomb sent a shockwave that caused minor power failure in the school. A siren blared and warnings went throughout. Suddenly, something struck their windshield and held on. Instead of an alien, it was a man in a larger-than-life body suit, looking to be mechanical.

"Who are you?" asked Lloyd through a special device that allowed communication with the outside.

"Just call me Your Jesus," said the man in a rough voice, suddenly leaping from the window to steal a passing Banshee.

"I think that was Master Chief," said Dib, in an awed voice. "We are truly blessed!"

"Oh, yeah, some Muggles were talking about him before Hogwarts shut down," said Harry. "Isn't he like a hero to the people fighting the Covenant or something?"

"You got that right. He's taken out two halos already, and I heard he's working on something more destructive to the Covenant. With him on our side…" said Dib.

"Look out for that cannon!" Ron roared. "Major cannon on the ship firing at us!"

"Oh no!" they cried as the beam of light shot out, right for the school.

**Deck B: Traitor Mission**

"Alright," Sheena said, landing on the ground from a flying leap out of the ceiling. "Our foe should be right behind those doors. You all ready?"

"As we'll ever be," said Zim. "Gir, open the door."

"Okie-dokie ardachokie!" shouted Girtrude, blowing the door off its hinges.

"… that was a little excessive," said Colette.

They ran into the room, blasters drawn and at the ready. Inside, there were many computers, each calculating this and that, spitting out rolls of paper, and flashing with enough lights to cause a fit. They glanced around the room until they saw a set of stairs leading to the ceiling. There, at the top, sitting in a special chair, was one who had been sending out the messages.

"It's you!" gasped Colette dramatically.

"I can't believe my eyes," said Zim. "YOU are the one who… the one who… was deceiving us?"

"Aww… I lost the bet," said Girtrude. "I was so sure it was Sheena."

"Uh… Girtrude…" said Sheena. "I'm right here."

"Hi Sheena!" cried the robot, hugging the girl around the middle.

"But… why… why you of all people?" asked Colette in a hurt voice. "What do you have against all of us?"

"Fools," came the reply in a slightly high-pitched and squeaky voice. "None of you understand. And I won't waste my time here giving an explanation."

"But… you were our friend… how could you do this?" Colette whined, "You were such a great friend… and now… you betray us. Oh, where did we go wrong with you? Please, come back to our side… Gorfy!"

The Chihuahua cackled, jumping out of his seat and landing on the ground ninja-style, a blaster rifle cocked and ready to shoot the group. His misshapen eyes were swirling about his head and his fur was completely out of line. Even in this position, Colette couldn't overcome the cute air shown by the puppy, and she collapsed in tears.

"Well, my foolish comrades," cackled Gorfy. "You must get it now, right? The reason I'm doing all this is to prevent you all from returning to Earth! Then, I shall RULE THE WORLD!"

"How?" asked Sheena. "That makes no sense, Gorfy!"

"Oh, but it does," countered the Chihuahua. "You see, if you are gone your enemies will reign. And since I got rid of you, the Law of Comrades of Badness states that I get to rule the world in the end because I have to poison them with spoiled milk. Don't believe me, ask Ms. Bitters."

"She's right," confirmed Sheena, "We of Mizuho are taught this from birth."

"I always knew there was something evil about you, dog beast!" Zim shouted. "But this is horrible! How will I take over the world now?"

"You won't, fool," said Gorfy, cackling and placing a paw on the trigger. "I will take over the world and make it a haven for all things Chihuahua. I will create a new world order, and there is nothing any of you can do about it! Ahahahahahahahahhahaha—"

The maniacal laugh was cut off by Girtrude who plummeted out of the ceiling on top of a garbage lid. The garbage lid, of course, was on fire. Girtrude cackled happily and shouted, "FLAMING GARBAGE LID!"

"Gir, you're supposed to call the attack name BEFORE you perform the move," said Zim.

"Sorry," said Girtrude, picking up the lid and walking away dejectedly.

"Now, time to get rid of the traitor," said Sheena, taking out her cards.

"Wait, Sheena!" cried Colette picking up the slightly singed Gorfy. "I think it would be best if we took him back to Earth and tried to help him. I think he's just using this as a way to express his negative feelings."

"But Colette, he tried to kill all of us. Even you," said Sheena.

"I know… but I think he's still got a chance to repent," said Colette. "Please, Sheena? I'll enroll him in the World Dominators Anonymous and get him the help he deserves."

"Alright, alright," said Sheena. 'Damn, you're convincing."

"Let us return to the Bridge," said Zim. "And check on the status of our…"

A bright flash enveloped the whole room. Just through it they could see that the huge Covenant ship had fired a huge laser straight for them.

**Bridge, Deck A**

"HANG ON!" shouted Lloyd, sending the ship downward.

The massive cannon blast only hit the rear part of the school, causing massive damage along all Decks. Sirens blared, decompression ensued, and Tak reported the hull had been breeched completely. They were utterly defenseless.

"We're done for!" wailed Ron.

"Hold it!" came a crackling voice over the loudspeaker, Gaz's. "We've just delivered the goods to the Covenant. Set a course for a hyper jump right through the ship."

"What? Why would we do that?" asked Raine.

"Because the Master Chief has a plan," said Presea. "He was the goods. He is the Jesus."

"And he rode on my ship," said Luna. "By the way, the nice Star Fox people said we could keep the Arwings."

"Yes," came a new voice; the voice of Fox McCloud, the leader of StarFox. "We and the Kel'hetzes shall hold them off while you prepare. You've only got one shot, so do it when we say."

"Alright," said Lloyd. "Tak, you heard that, right?"

"Aye," Tak acknowledged. "We're rerouting power as we speak."

"Neville, lock down the Sick Bay," said Lloyd.

"This would be easier if Snape didn't chew his way through his binds," Neville complained; they could hear Snape laughing like a small girl in the background.

"Genis, Regal, make sure to fire until the very end," said Lloyd.

"Got it, Lloyd," replied Genis.

"Get ready," said Fox's voice. "Estimated ten more seconds before jump."

"Power charging. Tak, will we make it?" asked Lloyd.

"Yes, we're fine," said Tak. "But if we don't get this right, the ship will explode. Let's hope we do this right."

"Gaz, Presea, Luna, you performed your mission admirably," said Countess von Verminstrasser, "Return to the Parking Bay at once."

"Understood," replied all three girls (though each couldn't help but destroy a couple more Covenant ships in the process).

"NOW!" shouted Fox.

"Engage!" Lloyd cried, pressing forward on the control stick.

The ship shot forward and at first it seemed like impact was imminent. The Covenant ship began to get bigger, and bigger, taking up their whole range of sight. Finally, as the enemy weapons were just about to let them have it, a flash of light erupted from the center of the ship and a massive explosion sheared the ship into thousands of pieces. The explosion blinded them all as the hyper drive kicked in and they were whisked away through space. The area around them was a swirling mass of rainbow-colored material, and they could barely make out the shapes of the girls' Arwings flanking them. A brighter light began to come forth, much like they were arriving at the end of the tunnel, and all over the ship everyone let out a collective scream as the light engulfed them.

They awoke on the ground, sprawled and scattered. One by one they came to, dimly aware that the sun was rising. They suddenly realized the familiar landscape; they were back at Whitestone. They could see the buildings, each of which looked much worse for the wear than when they had left (Building C had gone up in flames and the Gymnasium had re-collapsed). As they struggled to their feet, they saw the Building B stuck into the ground, upside down, jetting three stories into the sky... meaning two were buried beneath the hill it was jammed into.

"Good morning, everyone," came a cheerful voice.

They looked up and saw Matt, Emily, and Steffen walking over. Each looked relieved to see them alive and well… and more-so to see that part of the school was, once again, happily demolished.

"Great landing," said Emily. "I think you may have squished a few trees, but the building looks salvageable."

"What happened? The Kel'hetze? Master Chief? Star Fox?" asked Dib, scrambling towards them.

"All suffered minor damage from the explosion, but the Kel'hetze and StarFox teams will be able to repair. As for Master Chief… nobody's heard from him, but it's most likely he's out plotting the next Godly thing to perform against the Covenant," said Steffen.

"Yes… he risked his life just for us," said Colette quietly.

"So who was the snitch? Iggins?" asked Emily.

"Why does everyone think that?" wailed Iggins.

"No, it was Gorfy. It's okay, though, we've got him enrolled in a WDA meeting," said Ginny.

"He can carpool with me," said Luna, cheerfully. "After all, we've still got two more months of school, right?"

"Oh my God!" shouted Raine. "My lesson plans!"

She darted off. Everyone laughed slightly.

"Well," said Matt. "It's going to get more interesting for us, too. While we were messing around with the school's computers to save y'all, we switched our schedules and now we're in all your classes."

"Fantastic," said Lloyd sarcastically. "As if the classes aren't crowded and complicated enough."

"Hey," Steffen snarled, drawing a sword and pointing it at Lloyd. "Why don't we settle this in the combat contest, hm?"

"Oh, that's right. We have to sign up for that," said Emily. "It's being held in three weeks, so you all gotta prepare."

"YAY! COMBAT CONTEST!" cheered everyone, walking away as the Building B exploded, sending debris as far away as Saudi Arabia and Poland.

**From Ron's Mind: (June 2011)**

**Well that was a bloody ridiculous two months in space. And a long chapter to boot. However, things are finally winding down and maybe next year I can go to a school with a little more sanity. Anyway… yeah, in April we're going to be working towards the big combat contest Ms. Bitters has been going on about all year. No doubt there will be some rivalries settled and enemies made. And Hermione will start to complain about exams… but maybe I'll get a chance with Sheena finally!**

**From the Author's Mind:**

**Haha the last sentence is funny because Poland cannot into space.**


	15. Chapter 15: The Exhibition

**From the Author's Mind (Updated June 2011):**

**My turn to greet you all! Duels and rivalries abound as the last two months of school commence. The combat contest is upon us. And it promises to be an awesome display of fighting and magic!**

Chapter 15: The Exhibition

**Friday, April 28th. 4:42 P. M. Science Classroom.**

**HOUSE POINTS: Fence: 1280 – Typhoid: 2103 – Iko Iko: 1845 – Potato: 1984**

"Well, that's all for today," said Raine after they cleaned up the remains of their Science experiments on the last Friday of April. "Remember, tomorrow is the big fighting tournament. I hope you've all been training hard."

"I've been doing extra time at the gym!" Lloyd said excitedly. "I've finally perfected my Sword Rain: Alpha."

"Yeah, well, I've gotten good with my sword, too," Dib interjected.

"Bah. Puny earth scum. You can not defeat the mighty Zim and his mighty sword!" Zim screeched from the back.

"You can lift it all of the sudden?" Tak asked sarcastically. "It matters not. You will all fall before my magical arts. I've conquered the Water, Fire, and Earth domains and am well on my way to Air."

"Honestly," Hermione grumbled from her seat. "It's amazing that any of these people get any work done. Here we are, four weeks to exams, and all they can think about is some stupid fighting contest."

"Relax, Hermione," Ron said, glancing back at Sheena. "We haven't had a Battle Royale in this school in so long…"

"Besides," said Ginny airily from behind them. "We've got plenty of study time. I'm going to win a battle first."

"Suit yourselves," snapped Hermione. "I'm going to study during the singles match and I'll go to the team if I get a chance."

"Whatever you want, Hermione," said Harry, sighing. "But I signed you up for our team. You need to be there."

"You did _what_?" gasped Hermione.

"Hahaha…" said Genis, smirking from across the row. "My magic is going to destroy you."

"Yeah," said Lloyd. "Colette, Genis, and I all signed up for the team tournament, too. We're going to win it!"

"I'll do my very best," said Colette. "Right, Girtrude?"

"I like to drown," said Girtrude. "I did it in the Susquehanna once. But it smelled of dead fish and chemicals so I set it on fire instead."

"I was wondering who did that," said Luna. "It had the CIA in an uproar for two weeks. We were going to blame the Tazmanians, but…"

"You're all being irrelevant," said Gaz. "Let's go prepare for the contest."

**Friday, April 28th. 6:15 P. M. Gymnasium**

Since there was a contest the next day, all classes for the rest of the night were cancelled. Almost everyone found themselves drawn to the gymnasium to practice their magical and fighting arts. Because the gymnasium was restored after Klorb attacked, it was in very good condition. Everyone naturally paired up with those from their home towns and began to train.

Besides practicing their Traditional spells, Harry and Ron dueled with a pair of short swords each. Hermione, unwilling to participate, studied a book on fighting techniques while trying to convince herself that she was studying for Weapon Appreciation. Neville and Ginny were both brushing up with their crossbow skills. Ginny could hit a grape off of an elephant; Neville could hit the broadside of a barn if he was inside and lucky. Luna, of course, ran around and fought anything, animate or inanimate, that would take up a weapon against her.

Dib had continued to train with his sword, ever since the first fighting contest. Kratos had been very impressed with the boy's progress, going so far as to give him a special sword that the man had used long ago. Dib had learned almost ten new special moves and he had even perfected the Doom Slash. Gaz, on the other hand, was focusing on her technical combat skills. Ever since she stopped putting Microsoft and other Capitalist equipment onto her GameSlave, she had suffered no problems. Her skill with her scythe and side-arms had advanced to a very satisfactory level; she was not concerned.

Zim continued to use the same golden sword he had gotten on the Building B. Now that it was a proper size for him to lift, even he had improved; he could successfully disarm such students as Neville, Hermione, and others who were not melee-trained. Attempts to disarm Lloyd or Presea, however, were less successful. Tak kept a dagger hidden on her person for tight situations but overall preferred to use magic and spent almost all of her time focused on perfecting her casting times.

Iggins found himself pursued by Girtrude whenever he tried to train. Girtrude fired missiles and lasers haphazardly at the boy as he squealed and flopped from side to side in an effort to avoid the painful shots. Though miraculously missing everyone else in the gym, Girtrude managed to hit Iggins after their fourth lap and did a victory dance on his head before going to bug someone else.

Lloyd sparred with Zelos, their grunts and parries echoing around the entire gym. Genis focused on his Air magic, something he had not done in a while, and repeated shouts of "Cyclone!" "Air Thrust!" "Atlas!" and "Air Blade!" occasionally rang out, followed by various degrees of rushing wind. Colette managed to shatter, embed, or otherwise disable six boomerangs in a one hour period as she attempted to get her fighting style under control. Sheena simply meditated, her cards floating around her. Presea was refining her ax control and the ground shook with her fury.

Even some of the staff were getting into their training. Kratos, Regal, and Snape (whose mind was mercifully returned to normal) practiced on combat dummies with their respective weapons. Ms. Bitters and Countess von Verminstrasser had entered another room and were doing Matrix-style moves as they tested their skill with gats on each other. Raine sat in a corner, trying to find new Healing spells for her to learn. It was assumed that Trelawney was out getting drunk somewhere because she was nowhere to be found.

The newcomers, Matt, Emily, and Steffen, found themselves training against Peaches. Matt was partial to a staff for melee combat and an alternation between a side-arm and bow for ranged battles, as well as an array of offensive and defensive magic. Emily specialized in quick melee attacks with her two swords of doom, also with her own brand of magical spells. Steffen had his sword, shield, and a limited amoutnt of magic at his disposal. Peaches had a bunch of semi-automatic attachments to her wrists, so the three transfer students spent most of their time learning to dodge and attack under pressure.

When the gym finally closed, the students were exhausted but at the same time they felt a strange sense of strength. They were ready to fight, and fight they would. The day dawned bright and early, with a few students doing some exercises and a few others sleeping in as late as possible to increase their HP and TP count. Finally, a siren sounded across the grounds and everyone reported to the gymnasium. The tournament was ready to begin.

**Saturday, April 29th. 10:00 A.M. Gymnasium**

"I am the Master Computer, and I am your Master of Ceremonies today," said Master Computer, his voice ringing out across the entire gym. "Welcome to the Great Whitestone Fighting Contest!"

Roars filled the gymnasium, shaking walls and rattling the windows. The level of excitement skyrocketed as the combatants prepared in the waiting rooms and the fans lifted their signs to cheer on their favorites. The order of battles had not at all been assigned beforehand; the rounds would be random. When the place died down, Master Computer called the first two combatants.

"Tak Mitsubishifordtoyota versus Iggins Jones. Begin on my buzzer," said Master Computer.

The two walked in, Tak much more coolly than Iggins. She wore a specially made battle suit with a long trench coat that was almost skin-tight. Today, she had gone with her human form as it offered slightly better magical versatility than her Irken form. She stood with her hands at her sides, a smirk playing across her face.

Iggins was decked out in armor that increased his body mass about three times the normal. He looked like an overstuffed Viking, complete with horned helmet. His mobility decreased, Iggins found it even harder than usual to swing his sword toward his target. Tak planned to take advantage of this.

"Begin," said Master Computer, buzzing.

Iggins rushed in and Tak easily side-stepped him. As he tumbled away, a blue circle began to swirl about Tak as she silently chanted a Water-type spell. When she finished and cast, a huge jet of water burst out of the ground and shot the boy into the air where he squealed miserably as he fell to the ground, fainting on contact.

"That was almost pathetically easy," said Tak, tossing her hair back and walking away.

"Battle two: Harry Potter versus Lloyd Irving!" the Master Computer shouted.

Harry stood at one end of the arena, a sword in one hand and a wand in the other. Lloyd stood at the far side, his swords at the ready. On the buzzer, they rushed each other but Lloyd was sent flying backwards by a well-placed knock-back jinx from Harry. He leapt to his feet quickly, however, and dove in.

"Tiger Blade!" shouted the teen, upper cutting with the sword and slamming Harry back to the earth.

"_Impedimenta!_" shouted Harry, sending a curse flying right at Lloyd, narrowly missing.

"Beast!" Lloyd yelled, a beast exploding forth and knocking Harry hard to the other side of the arena.

From the audience, Hermione and Ginny watched with their hands at their throats. Ron shouted various profanities at Lloyd while Snape sat three rows behind, gleefully calculating the amount of points he would have to remove from Fence. The battle seemed at a stalemate for a good fifteen minutes, until one broke through.

"Demonic Circle!" Lloyd cried, slicing through and making a small circle explode from under him.

Harry, exhausted, was thrown backwards. He fell to a knee, looked at Lloyd, and fell onto his face. Lloyd was the victor, and he did a dance as the end-of-battle music played, Final Fantasy style. Harry was taken off to be revived, and the next two combatants (Ms. Bitters and Zelos) entered the stage. This ended in an anti-climax because Ms. Bitters merely glared at Zelos and he collapsed, bleeding from his ear.

"Luna Lovegood versus Hermione Granger!" shouted Master Computer.

"What?" cried Hermione from the stands. "I didn't sign up for this!"

"Oh, right," said Ron. "Sorry, I signed you up. Did I forget to mention that?"

"I'm going to murder your soul, Ronald!" Hermione squeaked, her eyes widening with fear.

But she didn't. Instead, merely two minutes and a small fit later, she found herself trembling on the stage. Luna stood about twenty feet away, decked out in her usual amount of weaponry. This time, she added a bazooka-like gun that was slung over her shoulder. She smiled happily at her foe just before the battle began.

"Hermione, I'll try to make this quick and easy for you," said Luna, cocking a shotgun as she spoke.

"L-L-Luna," said Hermione, appearing as though she was having a convulsion. "C-can't I just forfeit?"

"No way," replied Luna in an equally cheerful voice. "If you did that, I'd have to kill you out of dishonor. And then your body would never be found."

"Oh. Well… just… make it quick…" said Hermione, wincing as the buzzer went off.

Luna opened fire, cackling madly as she did so. The bullets danced around Hermione, who fell to the stage sobbing. After about thirty seconds of this, the bullets abruptly stopped. Hermione opened one eye and saw Luna, who was now readying the bazooka.

"You said this would be quick!" complained Hermione in a high-pitched voice.

"I lied! Besides, I have to go through the motions. First comes the 'shoot-with-a-gun-that-could-easily-rip-a-person-apart-but-still-somehow-misses' stage, and now is the 'shoot-with-a-huge-ass-gun-that-could-destroy-a-building-but-still-somehow-misses' stage."

She followed this quote with a shot from the bazooka. Unfortunately, her aim was true and she knocked Hermione off the stage and forced her into a state of unconsciousness. The crowd cheered and Hermione was dragged away by a few foul-looking House Elves.

"Crap," said Luna. "I didn't mean to do that. I've brought dishonor to the CIA…"

When she had finally left the stage dejectedly, Dib heard his name called so he stood at one end. His opponent finally made himself known: it was Snape. Dib gasped, his jaw going to the floor. How was he supposed to defeat one of the strongest teachers in the school? Snape, meanwhile, seemed to have nothing more on his mind than getting a quick and decisive victory so that he could go back and continue to take points from Fence.

When the buzzer was sounded, Snape sent a huge wave of darkness toward Dib, its tendrils quickly enclosing around him. Voices began to replay themselves and Dib started to have horrible memories, most of them revolving around Skool, Ms. Bitters, and Piggies. He fell to his knees, and looked up, tears in his eyes. Snape merely smirked and continued to watch his memories, pausing and rewinding on a particularly foul one where Dib was forced to clean the boys' bathroom with a toothbrush when he was blamed for something Zim did.

The audience was cheering and booing for Dib and Snape respectively. Although not well-liked by any of his classmates, Dib was certainly more popular than Snape. The blurred faces clouded Dib's vision, until he spotted Colette. Instantly, his thoughts moved to the times they'd shared together, growing more intimate. Snape's grin of malice shattered these pictures and Dib found new strength.

"NO!" he shouted, sending a spell out. "THIS IS NOT FOR YOU!"

Snape, caught off-guard, was thrown into the air by the Grave spell. Other rocks shot up from the ground and impaled him repeatedly. Finally, a large boulder dropped onto his head, crushing him and the rocks beneath him. The crowd gasped; Dib had fused two spells together.

"That's something we aren't covering until next month," said Raine, her eyes wide. "He just combined Grave and Rock Mountain to form the Grave Mountain spell."

"That's awesome," said Genis, also with a shocked look. "I bet I could get some good ones, too."

Dib fell to his knees, breathing heavily. The audience shouted its approval, clapping and cheering. After Dib was escorted back to his seat, the next two challengers stood upon the battle stage.

Steffen and Sheena were as far apart from each other as possible, each glaring at the other. They were at a moderate rate of animosity due to many random issues within Potions and Alchemy and Traditional Magic. With his sword and shield, Steffen was perfectly ready to rush into battle, looking more-so prepared than Sheena with her cards.

Their battle was not nearly as long as anticipated. Sheena's quick dodging tactics proved to be useful, but her attacks just couldn't match up to Steffen. Plus, she had no time to Summon anything worthwhile, so Steffen quickly took the upper-hand and had her defeated in less than five minutes, to the supportive shout of almost everyone in Potato but with the boos and catcalls from all of Iko Iko.

Peaches and Ron was an interesting combination. On the one hand, you had Ron, armed with robes and a wand. On the other, you had Peaches, with so many types of blades, guns, and cannons that it put the Military to shame. Master Computer allowed the suspense to build up on this one as Ron nervously checked his wand and Peaches armed herself to the teeth (which literally had little machine guns poking out of them).

When the buzzer went off, Peaches let loose a huge wave of shots, firing so quickly that the sound was a continuous rumble. Ron didn't have a chance to even block it. He was down in two seconds and Peaches was declared the winner as Ron's broken body was taken off stage for healing.

Emily and the Countess ascended the stage next. Emily tossed her blonde hair back so that it would get out of her face. She held her two short swords at the ready, bouncing in the Final Fantasy technique she'd been taught. Verminstrasser stood with her rifle slung over her shoulder, a small handgun in her right hand, and a battle knife in the left.

The buzzer went off and Emily immediately action rolled for a swipe at the feet. Verminstrasser leapt and avoided, firing off three quick shots at the girl as she went. Emily dodged them and dove to the ground again, sending a Demon Fang shockwave toward the ex-Nazi. She moved just in time to shoulder the rife, firing in one fluid motion.

The bullets clattered around her, but Emily managed to get off an air spell that sent them flying in all other directions (which, under any circumstances would have killed the audience members but as a special force field had been put up to prevent that, they merely ricocheted around and dissipated). Emily then forced the wind shield to change into a tornado, which shot forward and flung Verminstrasser toward the wall. She used it to jump off Matrix-style, again letting lose a wave of bullets.

Emily felt one of them hit her left arm and she rolled to the side to make sure it wasn't anything too damaging. Upon standing she rushed in, slashing with her sword. The first was parried; the second, a hit. Verminstrasser was sliced in the left shoulder and she rolled out of the way again, unsheathing the knife and moving in for a duel.

A few furious blows later, Emily had successfully evaded and began to quickly cast a spell. This one (Wind Slash) sent a sword-like slash of air flying toward her instructor, cutting her through. Verminstrasser fell to the stage with a grunt and the battle was over with Emily jumping up and down in celebration.

Ginny versus Gaz was another short fight, just like Ron and Peaches. Gaz was already irritated about something, so she quickly sent herself into Overlimit. After feeling the wrath of the thermonuclear Abaddon Paroxysm (her Hi-Ougi), Ginny was out cold and half of her soul was shattered. She was taken away to Intensive Care and Gaz bad-temperedly left the stage, impaling her scythe into an outlet along the way.

Kratos and Regal was one of the most-bet upon duels in the entire tournament. The favorite for winning was Kratos, though some argued that Regal's ability to jump and evade would allow him to get the upper hand. The battle was certainly fierce: Regal swung in with a Triple Kick and Swallow Kick combo that left Kratos mildly stunned. He finally managed to recoil with Fierce Demon Fang and Lightning Blade, fully stunning the other.

They began to attack in earnest at this point, the blows going to fast that their arms and legs were a blur. Their Overlimits were both clearly increasing, until finally Kratos became surrounded with the black aura. Regal swore and attempted to slide out behind him with Mirage, but Kratos wasn't going to be fooled.

"I've got you," he said, and a glyph appeared below him. "Try to escape these holy cahins."

As he spoke, a few rays of light shot up from the ground, spinning in and capturing Regal, damaging him as they went. When they were finally in the center, with Regal suspended above Kratos, the cut-out of Kratos' pissed-off face appeared.

"SHINING BIND!" he roared.

The glyph below exploded repeatedly and in a rising fashion, sending Regal flying to the air. He clattered to the ground and did not move. Master Computer declared Kratos the winner and he turned on heal, leaving quickly. Regal was totted off and the stage was swept of blood, sweat, and random angel feathers.

Next, Presea stood at one end of the stage; Girtrude at the other. This battle promised to be exciting and possibly seizure-inducing. Presea wielded her ax in her typical badass style, and Girtrude jumped around in a circle in her typical… "style"… It was no surprise when the buzzer beeped that Girtrude had a fit and ran around in a panic. Presea, confused, could not get a good hit on the fast-moving target.

This stalemate continued for a good five minutes. The audience fell silent and eventually the only sound was Girtrude's continued shrieks as she frantically dashed around the stage. Finally, Presea timed it right and held her ax out so that the blunt end was toward the robot. She slammed into it and fell backward, her eyes black. The buzzer sounded and Presea walked off the stage, a sweat drop hovering above her head.

The final battle of round one would put Matt and Zim against each other. The brown-haired boy stood on the left side; Zim on the right. The former held his staff at his side while Zim stood with his golden sword held at an odd angle. Master Computer sounded his buzzer again.

"Punishment!" shouted Zim, spinning around in a circle once, the sword trailing him.

Matt took a single step back and avoided it easily. He smiled and began to focus. The ends of his staff glowed a red color and the glyph below him spiraled into a fire symbol.

"O solitary falling star," Matt chanted. "Descend upon this battlefield and unleash thy burning fury! ANCIENT NOVA!"

About two seconds later, a shooting star shot through the roof of the school, slamming into Zim and pinning him to the stage. The star then exploded, skyrocketing Zim toward the ceiling. He shouted in pain as Matt quickly began to cast. He smiled and shouted, "SPREAD!" as a geyser of water shot up under Zim, sending him withering to the stage. Matt continued to smile and trotted over to the twitching foe and poked him sharply with the staff.

"VICTORY TO MATT!" shouted the Master Computer as Zim blacked out.

"That was easy," said Matt, dusting his hands off and exciting the stage.

There was merely a brief interlude before the next round began. This time, the first battlers would be Tak and Matt. They walked onto the stage and shook hands in the middle before returning to respective corners. Master Computer began to explain the rules of the following rounds while the freshly revived losing fighters sat in the audience.

"I'm going to bet on Tak for this one," said Geni., "I don't know enough about Matt to choose him."

"Nobody can beat my Tak," said Zelos lovingly. "Her water magic is unbeatable."

"I don't think so," said Sheena. "I heard Emily telling Ginny that Matt nearly washed away a small village one time when he got pneumonia…"

"Shhh… it begins," said Verminstrasser from a few rows ahead.

"Spread!" shouted Matt, sending the geyser at Tak.

"Aqua Edge!" Tak roared, her slashes of water shooting past Matt.

"Aqua Laser!" Matt hissed, the jets of water shooting across the stage.

"Aqua Protection!" shouted Tak, absorbing the water.

"So… this is going to be a water fight…" said Ginny, looking put-out. "I hate water…"

"Okay, so you wanna play rough?" Tak said, smirking. "Fine."

"After you," Matt said, also smiling.

They both began to cast an extended spell. The blue aura began to whip about their bodies. At their feet, water glyphs appeared and began to revolve slowly as they chanted their spells in unison.

"The greatest power of the water shall let loose a mighty deluge and wash away mine enemies…" Tak said in a singing voice.

"Oh grand goddess of the sea, send forth a great chariot to carry your people to the distant shore…" Matt chanted.

"TIDAL WAVE!" they roared in unision.

Two opposite deluges came from nowhere and slammed into each other in the center, sending water cascading over the magical barrier and down to the floor below. The first two rows were swamped and two students were completely washed out the door. Matt and Tak struggled for a few moments, each trying to make their water get through to the other. Finally, Matt's surprising determination came through and he broke Tak's resolve, causing her to be washed off the battle platform and lose.

Emily walked onto the stage next, her battle against the ever-perky Peaches. Emily seemed a bit weary of fighting the combat suit, but she also showed resolve as the buzzer went off. Peaches swept the area with a spray of bullets, and Emily performed a Tempest that sliced through the air and hit Peaches in the process. She landed behind and quickly cut around for a Demon Fang, hitting the robot suit in the back.

"She's good," commented Zim. "Too good…"

"I don't know," said Lloyd. "I bet I could cross blades with her…"

"No way," replied Genis. "She's kicked so much ass in Weapons Appreciation lately even Jackie Chan has a shrine for her."

"… Wow, Genis. Just… wow," came Lloyd's reply.

Emily continued to evade and dodge Peaches, occasionally stopping long enough to get a quick Wind spell out. After a while, Peaches began to lose her ammunition. Finally, there was a click and she was out. She sighed happily.

"Time for the energy sword," she said, whipping it out Halo-style.

"Oh damn," said Emily, leaping backwards.

"Die, please!" Peaches chirped, striking toward Emily.

Her aim was true, striking Emily full in the chest. However, the only thing it managed was sending Emily into Overlimit. Peaches froze. A sudden cyclone came out of nowhere and Peaches found herself stuck in a multi-vortex of air, unable to escape. With a cut-in of her face appearing, Emily shouted, "SERAPH WRATH," and Peaches fell to the ground, a crumpled heap. The buzzer sounded and Emily left the stage; Master Computer snuck over to Peaches and stole some of her weapons before allowing Harry to drag her off stage.

Presea and Ms. Bitters took the stage next. It was teacher and favored pupil, and the area around them darkened. To the delight of Emily, One-Winged Angel began to play as the two eyeballed each other dramatically. How this twist of fate came around was anyone's guess, but as Presea wielded her ax, Ms. Bitters suddenly took out a sword that was quite possibly longer than anything they'd ever seen.

"What the hell?" shouted Zelos. "She's got an extra nine feet on Presea!"

"She's even scarier than last time…" muttered Harry.

"I know," said Neville. "If I was Presea, I'd be terrified…"

But the girl showed no fear as she shouldered her ax and headed in with a Punishment/Resolute Infliction Combo. They soared into the air and a furious fight came between with plenty of sparks from ax and sword. Finally, with a final clang that sent shockwaves throughout the entire coliseum, Ms. Bitters knocked Presea to the floor and the pink-haired girl conceded her defeat to her master. Ms. Bitters sheathed the sword and left the stage without a word.

When Steffen and Luna entered, there was a sudden hush. Word had spread through the stands that a recent truck crash had spilled thousands of pounds of Ramen on a local highway. Being in the CIA, Luna was among the first to hear about it. She was pissed. Steffen stared at her as she stood on stage. What was most frightening was her lack of weapons; she had nothing. When the buzzer sounded, nobody moved for a long time. It seemed like nobody was breathing. Then, suddenly, Luna held her hands at her side, in the same way the Dragon Ball Z characters used to do their over exaggerated moves.

"DISAPPEAR INTO NOTHINGNESS!" she shouted, pushing her hands to the front, "DIMENSIONAL MATERIAL!"

A black hole of sorts surrounded Steffen. He gasped and then began to yell as he slowly imploded upon himself. With a violent noise like a sock being sucked into a vacuum, he disappeared and all that remained was his sword, which clattered to the floor. There continued to be a horrified silence as Luna stormed off the stage. The contest was put on hold while Luna was calmed down, lest she literally go nuclear.

When the contest resumed, father and son faced off next as Lloyd and Kratos stood in the center of the arena. The battle didn't last long; Kratos was far superior to Lloyd and a few Graves and Lightning Blades was all it took to knock him out. The next family affair was Gaz and Dib, the final battle in Round 2.

Gaz held her GameSlave at the ready. Dib held his sword Sephiroth-style, though it looked much less cool because it was shorter, he had no wings, and his big head partially obscured the views. Again it seemed as if the atmosphere grew darker. Gaz smirked at her brother.

"You think you can beat me, Dib?" she taunted.

"I really don't know, Gaz," Dib said. "But I won't back down. Ever."

"Hmph. A backbone. You may still have use, Dib," said Gaz, readying herself.

The buzzer sounded and the two jumped at each other. The GameSlave transformed itself into a scythe, which Gaz used to Doom Slash at Dib. He leapt through it and came down with a Slag Assault, which was blocked by the conversion to a shield. Gaz began to spin furiously with a Rising Punishment, the gleam of the blade slicing through the dark air. Dib took a hit on this and was thrown to the far end of the stage.

"Take this… Stone Blast!" shouted Dib, sending rocks flying at Gaz. She quickly destroyed them with her karate-like reflexes born of video game playing and moved the analog stick while pressing A-B-A-A. A flurry of tiny missiles shot out and Dib quickly leapt high into the air, doing a front flip and landing on his hands and knees. He followed this with a Swallow Fury, hitting Gaz and sending her back.

"… you… you drew blood…" said Gaz, a slight pride in her eyes. "But… you will pay…"

She made the game transform once more into a huge, red hammer. Labelled in Russian it read "Communist Hammer." This she slammed into the stage repeatedly as the techo Mario theme from Super Smash Brothers began to play. She chased Dib around for a bit, but he couldn't quite outrun it. With a cry he was sent flying through the ceiling and out and into the distance, becoming a star.

Another break preceded the semi-finals. During this time, everyone entered the foyer, where some students had set up various stalls selling second-rate food and souvenirs of the fight. One both had moving pictures, some of which depicted Ms. Bitters' victory over Zelos, the flooding of the stands during Matt and Tak's fight, and Steffen's removal from the dimension. After dozens of transactions, the audience clutched their purchases as they filed back into the freshly repaired and dried stadium. Master Computer descended to the floor again and announced the Semi-finals of the Singles Tournament.

"The rules are continuing as they have," boomed the Master Computer. "When this round is over, the three victors will face-off in a Battle Royal that will decide the ultimate winner of Whitestone. Are you ready? Luna and Emily, ascend the stage!"

As he retracted, the two blondes walked on stage. They stared at each other for a while and suddenly came to a realization: they looked almost exactly the same. Luckily for Emily, Luna had calmed down and decked herself back out in her suit of weaponry. She clutched a large sword in one hand; a crossbow in the other. Emily, as per the usual, held her swords in each hand, a bow on her back just in case ranged combat became a must.

The buzzer went off and the girls ran towards each other. Emily leapt over the air and spun over and over through in a Tempest attack. At the same time, Luna tried a Sword Rain: Beta. They both missed high and low respectively, but when they landed they each shot a Double Demon Fang, which was cancelled. Taking a few steps back, they both began to cast a spell: Emily shot an Air Thrust at Luna, but Luna cut through it with Air Blade, which faded immediately.

"A stalemate again," reported Genis in a slightly bored voice. "Eventually one will break through and the battle will be over."  
"You could learn from them, Genis," said Raine. "I expect full marks on your Weapon Appreciation exam."

"Oh my lord!" Hermione wailed, diving into her book bag. "I was going to study during the Singles! All this precious study time… wasted!"

"And that, children, is the sound of Hermione's world shattering around her," commentated Verminstrasser, a bloody bandage wrapped around her shoulder. "Soon she will regress to the fetal position and sob uncontrollably. Cirrhosis will soon follow."

Meanwhile, on the battlefield, Emily and Luna continued to either clone each others' attacks or cancel them out. An arrow flurry had erupted when Emily pulled out her bow and Luna took up her crossbow, but no real damage had been done. They weren't near Overlimit, either, so Mystic Artes were not options. However, Luna finally got the upper hand when she threw a plasma grenade and stuck Emily.

"… Where'd you find that?" asked the girl with a surprised look.

"QVC," replied Luna. "Big sale today."

"Oh," Emily said, and then she exploded and was thrown from the stage.

Matt and Kratos were called to the stage next. Matt knew almost instantly that he was doomed. His skills in Weapons Appreciation were fairly laughable. Kratos' four thousand years of training proved to be way more than enough for him.

"Double Demon Fang," shouted Kratos, sending the shockwaves toward the boy, who barely leapt over.

"Mystral Ray!" Matt shouted, a line of pure mana extending from the end of his staff into the instructor.

"Guardian," Kratos smoothly said, and then began to cast. "Sacred light of heaven, rain down and purify those sinners who have become lost… JUDGEMENT!"

His judgement had suddenly gotten a lot better. Instead of little thin light bolts that made a "ding" noise, it had been upgraded to huge rays that made small explosions when they struck. Worse, instead of falling randomly around the battlefield, they locked on to their targets. Since Matt was the only target, that meant all the dozens of rays were aiming for him.

"God really does hate me," Matt sighed, quickly casting an elemental barrier, knowing full well that it was not going to hold.

"And now you die," Kratos said, sheathing his sword as the barrier failed and Matt was struck and knocked out cold.

Ms. Bitters stood toe-to-toe with another of her favorites, Gaz. Gaz was charging the GameSlave for this particular battle, so she instead held the regular scythe. Ms. Bitters' scythe looked more menacing and had something red on the blade (probably jelly; you could never be sure with her). Gaz did a complicated twirl performance with her scythe, and Ms. Bitters followed suit.

"They're going through the motions," said Presea, nodding sagely.

"For what?" Sheena asked, curious.

"According to the lore, when two who retrieve the lives of the dead duel," said Presea. "They must first perform a complicated maneuver with their scythes. This is the Dance of Death."

"It is rather frightening," said Neville.

The battle started and ended fairly quickly. Though it was short, there was no lack of fun maneuvers. Each had their advantages: Gaz had a small frame, hard to hit, and Ms. Bitters had a serpentine ability to dodge and bend. They both sliced through the air at such a speed that all that could be seen was the light glinting off each. Finally, the two blades connected and they froze. However, Ms. Bitters had another trick up her sleeve: magic.

"A foretold story of destruction, let far off galaxies send forth messengers of DOOM!" shouted the woman. "METEOR STORM!"

"Oh shoot," Gaz said, staring at the sky where dozens of space rocks were falling. She covered her head and prepared for impact as one after another the meteorites hit the floor of the arena, causing massive damage and burying the girl in feet upon feet of space rock. Victorious once more, Ms. Bitters retreated to the area where the combatants would wait for the final round to begin.

Again the stage had to be cleaned and all foreign bodies removed. Once it was clear that one could eat off the floor if one so desired, they called back Kratos, Ms. Bitters, and Luna. They stood in a triangle, about twenty feet apart each way. The audience each held banners for their favorite combatants; Kratos was the most popular, with Ms. Bitters a close second and Luna favored by a small handful of students. The lack of support didn't seem to phase her as she cleaned the barrel of her sawed-off shotgun while checking to make sure she had the sharpest knives she owned.

Ms. Bitters held no weapons, but wore a large, hooded cloak that hid her entire frame. One could only guess what was contained in the depths of her cloak, and, perhaps, one didn't wish to know. Kratos was wearing the Omega Shield, which was kind of weak as it was a healing device, but there were no rules forbidding it so he continued to wear it with a sneaky grin on his face.

The buzzer finally sounded and Kratos charged Luna who charged Ms. Bitters who charged Kratos. For about ten seconds there was confusion as the three ran in circles. Finally, Ms. Bitter stopped and hit Kratos in the face with a large, leather-bound book as he ran by. She then slithered off to the far end of the stage and began to read aloud, an extended incantation that apparently did nothing for quite a while.

Kratos and Luna, meanwhile, became enveloped in a duel of their own. Kratos' skill with the sword was not something Luna could hope to match; she used a whip instead. Every time Kratos would slash at Luna, she would leap back, swing the whip, and Kratos would feel strange pain through his armor. However, that's not to say he didn't get a few good hits on her; one lightning blade in particular caused her to go cross-eyed and forget where she was.

Finally, Ms. Bitters closed her book and let out a loud roar. She had sent herself into Overlimit; the incantation's purpose becoming obvious. She swept across the battlefield and sent Kratos spinning with the book. She also knocked Luna back as she instant-casted Explosion. Then, she glowed the Mystic Arte color and everyone found themselves enshrouded in darkness.

"The day is upon us," said Ms. Bitters in a quiet, dangerous voice. "The day when the world as we know it takes its final breath."

As she said this, a rush of fire came through and caught the two opponents by surprise.

"Now watch as everything you hold dear is destroyed before your eyes!" came Ms. Bitters' voice in ringing tones, getting louder with each word.

This time, explosions seemed to rock on all sides, throwing them from one end to another.

"Let these images of misery be your final memories for eternity!" shouted Ms. Bitters, her cut-in the most horrifying thing on the face of the earth (**so much so that I can't describe it; my fingers would start bleeding**).

A final grand mal of shattering of the very fabric of space and time followed this final statement. Once the sounds of horror stopped, silence filled the gymnasium/arena. The darkness slowly gave way to the light and the audience could see Ms. Bitters standing in the middle of the auditorium. Her opponents lay upon the floor, looking as though they'd gone albino. A great cheer rose up and Ms. Bitters seemed to bask for a few moments before soaring off to places unknown.

The team tournaments were the next battles to occur. Only four teams had turned in applications and money on time, and only they were allowed to participate. Matt and Emily originally had a team of three with Steffen but since he was gone forever, they decided to go it with just the two of them. Zelos, Tak, Ginny, and Sheena held out the hope for Iko Iko and were their opponents. The other two groups, consisting of Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Neville against Lloyd, Colette, and Genis would battle afterwards.

Two on four was hardly a fair fight, no matter how you looked at it, and Tak had already proven herself to be a dangerous force with her water elemental spells. Ginny, on the opposite end of the spectrum, was a master of fire. Sheena still had her summons and revamped ninja skills, and Zelos was exceptionally versatile, with a little of. Matt was no melee fighter; he stood in the back and would stick to casting spells from his library of magic, consisting of healing, offensive, and defensive spells. Emily would remain on the front lines with her offensive attacks and Air magic.

The buzzer sounded and everyone went to work. Zelos and Emily became locked in a furious duel while Tak, Ginny, and Sheena all began to cast various spells. Matt quickly thought of his favorite spell, and since he'd been practicing it for years, he could practically instant-cast it now. The Spread spell sent Ginny flying into the air, slamming her down hard on her back. Tak countered with an Aqua Laser to Emily, who was too busy fighting Zelos to notice. Sheena merely used a Seal to allow Zelos' sword to attack with Earth blasts, thinking it would be Emily's weakness.

She had been wrong. Although her dislike of earth magic was fairly well-known, Emily didn't have a particular weakness to it. She stood back and continued to parry, same as normal. She returned the favor with Severing Wind, and Zelos was forced to break his continuing attacks while Emily focused on Sheena.

To her delight, Sheena's casting of the seal left lingering traces of earth mana upon the ground, to which she gleefully performed tiger blade in. It lead to a move change: Wyrm Wrath. The many wisps of dragons erupting from the ground took Sheena out in no time at all. This infuriated her teammates, who began to cast a little more quickly. Matt, meanwhile, had gone into a trance; he was cooking up something powerful.

"An inferno from the center of the earth shall release itself to gorge upon your flesh," Ginny said, "ERUPTION!"

"The greatest power of the water shall let loose a mighty deluge and wash away mine enemies…" Tak said, "TIDAL WAVE!"

The two spells came at once, combining and forming a Raging Mist spell with a little more disorganization but a little more power. Rolling out of the way, Emily was met with Zelos, who cast Thunder Blade. Barely leaping out of that, Emily quickly allowed Matt to finish where he had left off.

"I call upon the denizens of the heavens: let those who yearn for their perfection cleanse their souls of their sins in this dazzling display of thunder…" he chanted in a slow, powerful voice, "INDIGNATION!"

The area above them began to twist into something. Tak and Ginny barely had time to gasp when a huge flash of lightning struck the ground, splitting parts of the arena apart. Ginny and Tak both fell with shrieks of pain. Zelos was all that was left, and he had gone into Overlimit at the loss of his honey.

"I'll show you when I'm being serious," he chanted, casting an obviously angel-type spell, "EAT THIS! DIVINE JUDGEMENT!"

Matt was suddenly caught in a magical circle, where light rained down repeatedly. Finally, below him, a massive explosion of light lifted him right off his feet and shot him into the air. By this time, he was out and Emily, while not quite in Overlimit, was still furious enough to beat Zelos down with repeated Demon Fang, Sword Rain, Tiger Blade, and Impaling Heaven attacks in such a fast speed that even Kratos seemed impressed. Finally, when Zelos finally fell to his knees, the battle was declared over and Matt and Emily were revived to full health to await their challengers.

"That was probably the most informative battle of them all," Regal commented. "We saw lengthy attack chains, combination spells, and even a Field of Mana change. That's all material most of our classes don't even cover until next year."

The second of the team battles wasn't nearly as interesting or long. On one team, you had a melee fighter, an accomplished Symphonian mage, and a girl who could function as either a caster or mid-range fighter. On the other, you had a four wizards with virtually no melee experience and Traditional Magic.

The spells began to fly quickly when the battle started. Knockback Jinxes were a favorite of all four wizards whenever Lloyd would close in, though Ron and Harry frantically tried to use their swords as well. When Colette performed Holy Song, the spells' effectiveness became lessened. Finally, when Genis cast his own Explosion spell, Hermione and Neville were thrown straight into unconsciousness. Ron and Harry ganged up on Lloyd, hoping they could get the better of him.

That's when Colette stepped in. Or, rather, she tripped in. She landed on a mine that had, presumably, been left behind when Luna had been owned by Ms. Bitters. She had just enough time to gasp before the mine exploded, knocking her, Lloyd, Harry, and Ron out. Genis, who had been casting in the background, stopped and stared. By default, the Symphonian natives won because they actually had someone alive, as opposed to the wizards, all of whom were down. He shook his head in an annoyed fashion and walked off to prepare for the next battle.

Five minutes later, Matt and Emily stood again on the stage. On the other side, Lloyd, Genis, and Colette prepared to use their new tactic to win an easy and quick victory. Matt and Genis both looked ready to cast, and when the buzzer rang, they both quickly began to chant, as did Colette.

"To those who have died at the hands of evil, raise thy voices into a brilliant roar…" Matt said quickly. "BLOODY HOWLING!"

He had aimed for Lloyd, correctly assuming the boy would have the lowest magical defense. Emily took advantage of Lloyd's being caught in the dark vortex, using her time to slice at him with a Sovereign Gale and then an Impaling Heaven. The Wind mana remnants she used to change Light Spear Cannon into Light Blast. Yet, somehow, Lloyd held on to life, long enough for Colette and Genis to fire off their spells.

"Spiral Flare!" he shouted.

Unfortunately, Matt and Emily stood in a line in front of him, and they could not react in time; the spinning fire shot through both of them, knocking them back and interrupting Matt's second spell. Colette's turn came next.

"Um… uh… I did it again," she said sheepishly as she activated Holy Judgement, her Mystic Arte.

The rays, however, were easily dodged and neither Matt nor Emily had so much as a scratch by the end of it. However, Genis had taken this time to cast Meteor Storm, and the two could not quite avoid that. They each were hit by two meteors.

"Dammit…" Emily sighed, slumping to the ground.

"Sorry…" Matt moaned, falling to the ground as well.

Ten minutes later, Master Computer stood next to the three as they awaited their awards. He went through their battles in detail, talking about which tactics were obviously well-thought and planned, ignoring the fact that half their victories were Colette's lucky clumsiness. But then, just after he handed them each medals, he beeped suspiciously and his voice became brighter.

"Ladies and gentlemen, we have a special exhibition match for you today," he said, smiling brightly. "Let's hear it for our new arrivals from the world of Auldrant…"

A cage opened on the far side, and in walked three people. One was dressed in slightly punk-looking clothes, exposing his chest and abdomen. His red hair was spiked, and he looked very smug. On his left walked a girl whose hair covered one eye and hung way down to about her waist. She wore a trench coat and a stylish pair of pants that Sheena and Ginny were jealous of. Finally, on the right, came a man in his mid 30's with red, mischievous eyes, a pair of glasses, and a uniform that read: Colonel of the Malkuth Military.

"Luke fon Fabre, Mystearica 'Tear' Grants, and Colonel Jade Curtiss!" roared the Master Computer.

Matt and Emily cheered wildly from the stands; they were the only two to do so. Nobody else seemed to know who these newcomers were. When they stood in the center of the stage, Lloyd, Genis, and Colette were shocked to see they had taken out their weapons (Jade merely conjuring his out of thin air).

"Exhibition match… begin!" shouted Master Computer, retracting and leaving room for the fight.

Tear immediately rushed in for Colette, leaping high and chucking a single knife at the girl. Colette gasped and fell backwards, the knife landing at her feet. Colette attempted to counter with a Ray Thrust, but Tear leapt high again and countered with "Severed Fate" and Colette found herself in trouble, surrounded by knives that gave off a rising wave of energy.

Luke went for Lloyd, striking from high with Havoc Strike. Lloyd attempted to fight back, but his slower speed was easily surpassed by Luke, who attacked him seven times before continuing the combo with Fang Blade, Demon Fist, and finishing it off with a Guardian Field. This alone was enough to put Lloyd in danger of being destroyed.

Genis had frantically started to cast everything he could at Jade, but nothing seemed to work; the Colonel always managed to avoid the spells. He would merely walk to the side and taunt the boy, but he didn't attack himself… for a couple minutes, anyway.

"Prepare yourself," he finally said, going into Overlimit of his own accord.

All eyes turned to him as he began to cast. A couple of seconds later, he shouted, "Begone!"

The flash that came with all Mystic Artes came and suddenly the entire battlefield was covered in a very pretty, aqua-colored sphere of magic. Bands of golden symbols enclosed the sphere, crisscrossing it in all directions. As it came closer, a brighter spot formed in the center.

"Oh admonishing melody," Jade was saying. "Arise in the name of the Necromancer…" His cut-in with a mischievous smile flashed for a moment. "MYSTIC CAGE!"

The entire area exploded in a bright white flash.

"Augh!" shouted Lloyd.

"Eeaah…" shrieked Colette.

"Mwaaaahhhh…" wailed Genis.

"Well. That was pathetically easy," Jade said, shrugging and pushing his glasses up.

"Man, Jade, you never let us have any fun," complained Luke.

"Leave it to the Colonel to steal the kill," said Tear, shrugging.

"Well," said Master Computer. "That concludes our day of battles. Please, on your way out, remember to pick up—"

"WAIT A MINUTE!" came a cry.

Standing on the far side of the arena, in the same place the Auldrant fighters emerged from, came Gaz. Flanking her were Presea and Luna, and they all had their faces set.

"We challenge Lloyd Irving and Zelos Wilder to a duel," said Presea. "A duel that has been declared for months but will finally take place."  
"What do you say, audience?" said Master Computer. "In the mood for one more fight?"

The resounding roar was enough to shake the entire room. Zelos, from the stands, had a sick look on his face, but he slowly made his way to the arena, where Lloyd was freshly revived. They looked at each other and then at their opponents.

"This isn't fair," said Zelos. "Two on three?"

"Yet he had no issue with us being two on four against his team…" said Matt, mutinously.

"Hypocrite," said Emily, sighing.

"Get another person, then," said Gaz.

"But who would be foolish enough to do that?" asked Luna in a bored voice.

"I'LL DO IT!" came the frantic wail of Iggins, who came flying out of the stands, sword and ridiculous helmet in hand.

"Well… he'd at least keep them occupied," said Lloyd in a low voice. "We accept."

"Get ready to get beaten down by a bunch of chicks," Gaz said, glancing to the stands where Dib and Colette sat, watching interestedly.

Once Raine had assured everyone that their bodies were at 100% health, they were allowed to stand in the center of the area, only ten feet separating them. Gaz and Presea stood up front, Gaz with her GameSlave fully charged and Presea with her ax at the ready. Luna stood behind them, sitting cross-legged on the ground. She had decided to return to ranged magic for the duration of the fight, though she held a boomerang in case anyone got too close.

The boys had a plan for an all-out offensive. Zelos would heal if the time came and he had the opportunity, but otherwise they would use all of their strength on the front lines before going for Luna. As they stood, Master Computer once more allowed the suspense to build up before breaking it with a loud buzzer.

The Auldraunt fighters sat in the stands near the rest of the students. They were clearly amused by the proceedings. Most of the Hogwarts side was cheering for Luna's team, except Tak and Ginny, who were rooting for Zelos. The others were mixed between the two; Genis wanted Presea to win, Sheena hoped secretly for Zelos and Lloyd, and so on.

Presea began to spin uncontrollably in Rising Punishment as she flung toward Zelos. She instead hit Iggins, who had foolish tried to run in and attack her as she had gone into spin-mode. He was thrown onto his back and didn't get up right away. Gaz, meanwhile, found herself dealing with both Lloyd and Zelos. It wasn't exactly difficult, thought the girl as she used her GameSlave in sword mode to block their jabs, but it was annoying.

Luna would keep up a steady stream of weak spells, like Wind Blade and Stone Blast, unwilling to lose so much TP early into the fight. She mainly aimed for Zelos' hair and Iggins, who was proving to be as tenacious as a cockroach. Presea couldn't seem to fully defeat him. Unfortunately for Gaz, Lloyd and Zelos had finally synchronized their patterns of attack.

"Dammit," hissed Gaz. "I wasn't expecting them to use their minds…"

"I bet you are shocked… RAGING BEAST!" Lloyd said.

"No!" gasped Gaz as her GameSlave was torn from her hands and knocked back a good twenty feet.

"Now we've got you, brat," said Zelos, grinning and advancing. "Lloyd, Super Sonic Thrust on three!"

"Got it," said Lloyd, rearing back.

Suddenly there was a whoosing noise and Gaz ducked slightly, covering her head. Lloyd and Zelos turned, gasped, and suddenly the ground in front of them exploded violently. Gaz looked back and saw Luna standing, holding a rocket launcher, which continued to smoke. She smiled as she peered through the site toward her partner and winked. Gaz gave one of her rare smiles and retrieved the GameSlave, setting it into taser mode.

Meanwhile, the two boys were gravely injured. Lloyd saw Gaz walking towards him, an evil grin on her face.

"Hurry, Zelos, heal us!" cried Lloyd.  
"I'm on it!" said Zelos. "Ready for this? FIRST AID!"

"Hey!" cried Lloyd. "That didn't heal me!"

"I don't have time for Healing Stream, idiot!" Zelos snapped. "You're on your own!"

He fled the area and attempted to flee the coliseum. Gaz let him go; Luna wasn't impressed.

"That little bitch is trying to flee, is he?" she said, merrily. "Well we know what happens to deserters. I've got this one, Gaz."

"He's all yours," said Gaz, grinning as the taser device sparked. She took slow steps toward Lloyd, letting him agonize as he lay injured on the ground. She cackled as she reached them, holding the taser high above her head.

Meanwhile, Presea finally got Iggins under control. She was beating him over and over with the blunt end of her ax, and, finally, she sent him flying with her version of Beast. He slammed into the wall and was done for. Gaz finished with Lloyd, who lay unconscious at her feet. Presea walked over and stood next to her friend, gazing at Lloyd, who still twitched occasionally.

"Is Luna ready yet?" asked the girl.

Another explosion, this one more violent, came from the side of the arena. The shockwave sent a bunch of wind over that made Gaz's hair flow behind her and Presea's pig tails quiver. They looked at each other with mild amusement in their eyes.

"She's done," they said as Luna waved next to a large scorch mark in the ground and side of the arena.

"And there you have it, folks," said Master Computer. "This concludes our day of battles. Now go study, you've only got 768 hours until your exams!"

"OH MY GOD!" wailed Hermione, who was rocking back and forth on the ground. "I'LL NEVER BE READY!"

"I didn't realize it was so close to the end of the year already," said Dib as they all proceeded toward their dorms. "I hope the exams here aren't that bad."

"Oh, of course they will be," said an annoyed Genis, "Raine's writing half of them."

"At least we'll all get good marks in Weapon Appreciation and Healing Magic," said Tak, rubbing her arm painfully. "I think I've had Nurse cast on me more times today than in my whole life.

"I think I got a few strength points from all that," Matt said.

"And I finally learned my Mystic Arte. I don't want to hear it from you anymore, Matt," said Emily, warningly.

"Is Hermione going to be okay?" Ron asked in a terrified voice.

"What's all the concern about, Ron?" asked Ginny slyly.

"I might need to protect certain parts of my body when I'm around her," said Ron in a squeaky voice. "I want to know if she's sane or not…"

"WHY DOES THE SCHOOL YEAR HAVE TO HAVE ONLY 180 DAYS? THAT'S NOT NEARLY ENOUGH TIME TO LEARN ALL THAT I HAVE TO LEARN! OUCH! STUPID TREE, I HATE YOUR LEAVES AND YOUR CONVERSIONS OF CARBON DIOXIDE INTO OXYGEN!" came a frantic feminine wail across campus. "WHERE IN THE NAME OF CROOKSHANKS DID I PUT MY MATH TEXTPACKET? IF SOMEONE STOLE IT, I WILL INJURE YOU SO BAD YOU'LL BE BEGGING FOR A NEW LUNG!"

"… it's going to be a long month…" sighed Harry.

**From Raine's Mind: (June 2011)**

**Well everyone, it's been quite a while, hasn't it? There's only two more chapters to this story now, and it looks like it's time for exams. While I admire her devotion to her school work, I fear Hermione's going to give herself high blood pressure and possibly other coronary issues if she continues to stress this much. Well, at least this hectic year is almost over and everyone still has their lives… I don't really feel like reviving the dead this year… Well, I'm off to write up my exams. Ehehehe… IT'S MARVELOUS! I LOVE IT!**

**From the Author's Mind:**

**ToIPatWS Trivia: The way I figured out the fights was via a convoluted dice system. Hence the reason some fights were quick and simple, and some where longer and more intricate. I used a similar (less complicated) system for Return to Hogwarts and the Quidditch matches.**


	16. Chapter 16: Final Exams and a Showdown

**From the Collective Minds of the Whitestone Students: (June 2011)**

**ZOMFG EXAMS!**

Chapter 16: Final Exams and a Showdown

**HOUSE POINT TOTALS: Fence: 3284 / Typhoid: 3854 / Iko Iko: 2993 / Potato: 4111**

The final week of regular classes was wrought with misery and woe. The teachers all piled on the last bits of homework and review work, keen on finishing their entire curriculums at any cost. The two most feared females on campus quickly became Raine and Hermione, both of whom were ready to kill for knowledge-gaining. After the last classes on Friday night let out, the weekend of studying began.

Some students stayed up until three and later studying. Some didn't sleep or eat at all. Five students were taken to local hospitals, two for panic attacks, one for attempted murder (which backfired since he was a failure in Dark Magic…), one for a Potions accident at four in the morning, and one for coming up behind Raine after lunch Saturday and asking a quick question, which sent her straight into a panicked frenzy of bludgeoning.

The exams were spread out throughout the week. Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday had four exams, two in the morning and two after lunch, and Thursday and Friday each had three with more reasonable hours. As the children finished their studying on Sunday night, many were filled with dread, but some had a small ray of hope on the horizon. After this week, there was one week of freedom while exam and final grades were tallied, and then they were free for the summer. For some, that time would never come.

**Monday.**

Monday's exams started at 8 in the morning with Ms. Bitters' Social Study examination. Many students were there no later than 7:30; Hermione and Genis had been there since 7 and Luna since 4. Slowly the rest of the class trickled in, filling in their normal seats with puffy eyes and yawns with enormous diameters. Many were still looking through notes, trying to memorize the exact casualty number of various battles in the Eucalyptus Wars and the names, in order, of the Dictators of Tamartyr.

"This is ridiculous," muttered Ginny, slamming her notes shut and tossing them under her desk. "I'm not going to remember any of this in two hours."

"It almost makes me yearn for History of Magic," said Ron in a pitiful voice. "At least if we failed, Professor Binns wouldn't have cared. Or returned our papers properly."

"The most he would have done is yelled at someone with an incorrect name and forget why he was speaking," agreed Neville.

"Sh," snapped Hermione. "I'm concentrating."

"And she's still being bitchy," muttered Sheena to Genis.

"Shut up, Sheena," said Genis through gritted teeth. "You're interrupting me."

Sheena, who had been expecting Genis to say something to Hermione, was shocked. Zelos and Tak looked at her and shook their heads in warning. It was far too early for anyone to get charred by a rabid half-elf. Nobody else spoke the entire time; all were waiting for Ms. Bitters to start the test.

At two minutes to eight, Lloyd sprinted into the classroom, knocking over Zim's desk in the process and throwing himself into his chair. He was very out of breath and it was clear that he had sprinted from his dormitory.

"Lloyd," hissed Genis, who had been interrupted once again. "I told you two hours ago to get up!"

"I know," whined Lloyd. "But it was so early and I was so tired…"

"Lloyd, I'm going to stab you in the throat," said Presea. "Look what you did to my papers!"

Indeed, her papers were flying in all directions, as the pink-haired girl had been looking through them moments previous. Irritated, she turned her attention to their teacher, who had finally begun passing out papers. The exam, they could see, was six pages long and mostly multiple choice, with two pages of essays.

"You will have one hour and forty-five minutes, no more, no less," said Ms. Bitters. "If you finish before then, congratulations, you'd be the first and if you're brain isn't bleeding you're just plain freakish. If you make any noises, your vocal cords will be promptly removed and fed to a snake. You may begin… NOW!"

There was a rush of sound as everyone flipped over their papers and began to write. Some students, including Hermione, Genis, and Emily, soared through the test with extreme speed. Students like Lloyd, Ron, and Zelos, were only on page two with the first half an hour gone. The minutes ticked by, and when it came to the final five, Ms. Bitters set off a large fog horn, alerting the students that they would have to finish quickly. Anyone who wasn't on the essays gave up hope; those who were still writing gave as full answers as they could.

"Pencils down!" Ms. Bitters' voice cracked through the relatively silent air, making a few jump and a couple snap writing utensils. Nobody, not even Lloyd, was foolish enough to continue writing after the woman told them to stop. One by one, everyone left, many discussing the test and the two or three chapters that were left out (Hermione and Genis greatly annoyed Harry, Ron, Lloyd, and Zelos by these rants).

The second examination that day was Martial Arts, so none of the Hogwarts, Iselia, or Smudged-Town groups were to take part. Instead, they spent this time studying for the last two exams that day: Introduction to Magic and Healing Magic. Of course, not everyone took these classes, so a couple were actually free for most of the rest of the day. Neville, for example, was already studying for Health, even though the exam was not until Friday.

Hermione and Genis actually found themselves quizzing each other since nobody else had their levels of intelligence or diligence when it came to subjects and doing it with anyone else would be boring. They still argued over exact answers now and then but their thirst to study everything overruled half their fights. Lloyd, who knew nothing of magic and was a general idiot to begin with, found himself studying alone because nobody would pay attention to him or listen to his continuing whining. Even Iggins.

After a quick lunch, the entirety of our story's main characters except Neville (who was out planting some flowers and feeling on top of the world) sat in the Introduction to Magic Classroom. Because a recent law prohibited the same teacher from having two examinations in one day, Countess von Verminstrasser proctored the exam. As expected, there were questions of varying difficulty on all sections of magic that were taught at the school: Traditional, Healing, Divination, and Symphonian. It was a very tedious examination, with questions about incantations and average casting times, as well as a section for placing spells into "Offensive" "Defensive" "Healing" "Other" categories. Even Hermione and Genis, the resident magicians, found themselves struggling to meet the end of the exam.

"That was horrible," moaned Sheena afterwards. "I'll be lucky if I passed that class with anything good."

"Oh, Sheena," said Colette, the ever-optimistic. "I bet you got an A+!"

"I doubt it," muttered Ginny in a dark voice, "I don't think I even remembered half of that stuff on those basic healing spells…"

"Dib, did you get question forty-five, the average casting time for Grave?" asked Genis tentatively.

"The average casting time for that… 4.58 seconds," replied Dib-the-Earth-Expert.

"DAMN!" Genis shouted. "I put 4.55!"

"That's Spread," Matt said, eyes glittering. "I got ridiculously excited when I saw that."

"Harry, I think I'm gonna fail," said Ron, looking faintly ill.

"Well, Ronald, if you would just take your studies more seriously…" said Hermione in a very irritated voice.

"I don't need to hear that from you," Ron snapped.

"Can't you two just give it a rest?" asked Harry, sighing. "I'm going to go study. Ron, want to come?"

"Of course I do," said Ron, throwing a dark look at Hermione. "What about you, Luna?"

"No, you moron, I have to take my Healing exam," said Luna in a voice that suggested that she was telling a light, airy joke. "See you in two hours!"

"Gaz," Presea said. "I feel faintly ill…"

"I'll use you for my target in our Healing exam, then," said Gaz in her typical voice.

"No, Gaz," said Presea, holding her head. "I think I'm going to faint…"

"Well that's not good," said Gaz, turning to look at her. "Maybe you should just skip this one…"

"Perhaps you're right," said Presea, and then. "Oh, wait, I didn't take Healing Magic. Duh."

"Yeah, you're right," said Gaz. "Well go lie down. I'll get out of there as quick as I can."

"You all lucked out today," said Raine, as everyone gathered in her classroom. "There was a bad accident on the highway, and, conveniently, we have eleven people with 3 levels of injuries. This will be your final exam. Who would like to go first?"

"Professor, why weren't these people taken to a real hospital?" asked Hermione, noticing that the people lying on stretchers were in stasis.

"I programmed the ambulance OnStars to bring them here," said Raine, sounding proud of herself. "With this wonderful device I saved from when we were blasted into space two months ago. It's it awesome?"

"I'll go first," said Gaz. "I have to attend to other issues."

She received a middle-aged man who had small bruises to his left arm, a broken wrist, and a sign for "Troy" impaled into his arm. She merely chanted a couple of easy healing spells and the man was declared fit. Raine allowed a very confused-looking EMT to wheel him to a waiting ambulance and take him away.

Next came Hermione, who trembled as she stood over a girl about their age. She had a bad laceration to her forehead, a couple of broken toes, and an 'out' shoulder. The toes were mended fairly well but the middle one fused and was unable to bend, the laceration was cleanly healed, and the out shoulder was fully repaired.

Raine was very alarmed when Iggins declared he wanted to go next, and she gave him the man with the least amount of injuries: a bruised eye and a few broken teeth. Somehow, Iggins knocked out six more of his teeth and caused a cactus to sprout from the man's nose. Raine sighed, returned the man to as much normality as she could, and dismissed Iggins from the exam chamber.

The rest of the exam passed in this fashion. Sheena and Ginny both performed their Healing duties perfectly and their patients were not even taken to the hospital for evaluation. Zelos and Genis were about as successful, but Zelos couldn't get his patient's nose to stop bleeding and Genis accidentally made an extra finger grow on a small boy. Colette was unable to complete testing because she said the woman reminded her of her grandmother and she was too distressed. Girtrude abruptly decided that Healing Magic was useless for her so instead she just left with Colette without a backwards glance. Matt took Colette's and Girtrude's patients and healed them up as best as he could instead.

When Luna went to look at her patient, however, she gasped. Apparently, her victim had been the cause of the six-car pile-up on the highway, and he was a wanted convict. The CIA had been hunting this man for a long time, though why that particular department was handling the case of a fugitive was a mystery she would not divulge. Instead of healing her victim, she merely strapped on a pair of handcuffs and radioed for her CIA comrades to pick him up. Under the circumstances, Raine had no choice but to award Luna full marks since the CIA center would have access to the best doctors in the world, and her patient would undoubtedly be healed properly.

As Healing Magic was the last exam offered that evening for the students, the school returned to dinner. Those who had taken the Healing Magic exam that night discussed nothing of the exam because it would have violated HIPPA and we all know what happens when HIPPA is violated.

**Tuesday**

Tuesday's exams were Math, Potions, Gym, and Divination. The math exam was going to be a challenge, but there was a scene right after Raine handed out the papers and told the class to start. Lloyd, who had slept in once again, came bustling in and attempted to apologize. Raine, who had finally lost her patience with the teen, roundhouse kicked him back out the door, shouting that his tardiness had voided his exam grade and caused him to probably fail Math for the year.

For the rest of the students, two hours of calculations and explanations of steps became one repetitive misery. It seemed like it would never end, and at nine pages it was the longest exam they'd suffered through so far. Raine prowled up and down the rows, searching for any signs of cheating, immune to the pained looks on everyone's faces as they wrote down whatever they could for the problems. At the end of the exam, only six papers were completely finished: Hermione, Genis, Luna, Sheena, Tak, and Presea.

"Well that certainly goes against that old saying that men are better at math than women," sniffed Raine haughtily. "You are all dismissed."

They found Lloyd sitting under a tree outside, looking very thoughtful. Almost painfully so, actually. On one hand, he had missed an exam and gotten a zero. On the other, he didn't have to force himself to go through the torture of one of Professor Sage's exams. He even considered skipping the Science exam the next day. But when Genis reminded him of what Kratos and Dirk would do to him, Lloyd sobered up and vowed to be early at all costs.

Snape's Potions exam had everyone on their toes. The three-part test first included a forty-five minute written section (which was exceptionally difficult considering the time limit) followed by two practical goals that had to be accomplished within the remaining time and were done with partners. The first involved testing an unknown potion for a poison and selecting the correct antidote, and the second involved mixing a rather difficult potion with very specific directions that could not be ignored.

Tak and Harry worked together, and they correctly identified the poison and antidote and perfected their Potion of Increased Giddiness, the same Colette and Girtrude had tried so many months before. Lloyd and Ron were pretty much hopeless, and they not only identified the wrong poison (and gave the wrong antidote for that poison), they managed to melt their cauldron and spill the potion onto the floor when they didn't stir for exactly five minutes and ten seconds.

Dib and Zelos, who had managed to peacefully coexist all year long, took too long on the antidote and poison section because Dib was obsessive-compulsive and wanted to make sure they had exactly the right tests done. Because of this, their Increased Giddiness Potion was only halfway done and Zelos was highly annoyed. Genis did most of the work because Luna had to fill out a lengthy report about her Healing Magic exam, but she did save them when Genis almost forgot to add the sunflower seeds at the sixty-ninth stir.

Gaz found a unique way of testing for the poison. She force-fed some to Iggins and determined the type based on his reaction. She was disappointed that it was one of the slower-acting ones, but she chose the right antidote and then left Iggins to convulse while she mixed the Giddiness Potion. Sheena, terrified that Girtrude would blow them up again, was pleasantly surprised when the robot girl perfected the potion in less than ten minutes, leaving them plenty of time to get the poison and antidote mixture.

Ginny and Zim squabbled for most of their exam, arguing over techniques and reasoning. As a result, Zim caused their Giddiness potion to explode spectacularly, just like Girtrude and Hermione's attempt. Ginny, who had foreseen this, was able to block the blast from injuring her and she instead did the potions and antidotes section while Zim smoked next to her. As for Hermione and Colette, Colette proved that she could make a more powerful Increased Giddiness Potion by doubling the sunflower seeds, as she showed an impressed Hermione (who did the antidote and poison match in about three minutes). Finally, sweating from the heat of the fires and the fumes of the potions, they left the rooms for a quick wash and some lunch before their afternoon exams.

Gym, immediately after lunch, was basically their government-mandated fitness test all over again. They had to do shuttle runs, v-sits, pull-ups, the mile run, sit-ups, push-ups, and dodgeball. However, they later learned this last sport was just a way to cool-off, though half the class was more than dead at the end of the running and pull-uping so the game didn't last long. At least Lloyd was put into high spirits again; he had gotten full marks, he was sure of it!

With only nine people, Divination was one of the smallest classes in all of Whitestone. Luna, Girtrude, Gaz, Presea, Ginny, Sheena, Matt, Zelos, and Tak sat in Professor Trelawney's classroom near the top of Building D, as they scribbled away at small bits of parchment, some of which had sherry stains and smelled very strongly of cheap perfume. The questions were very ranged and made no sense, although it asked for the proper technique with crystal balls about twelve separate times.

"QUILLS DOWN!" shouted the Professor, smashing a newly-opened bottle of sake against the random fireplace mantle installed against the wall in her room.

"Why did she have to do that?" asked Ginny as the sake sloshed all over the ground.

"What a waste…" muttered Zelos.

"Sheena, are you alright?" asked Luna in a very cheerful manner as attention turned to the ninja, who still had a look of shock and fear on her face.

"… my heart…" she muttered, before falling to the ground.

"Don't bother yourselves with moving her busty carcass," said Trelawney waving her hands around. "The lines on her hand tell me that she has a good sixty years of mobile life left in her. Let us move on to your practical examination!"

Leaving Sheena to be immobile and possibly within cardiac arrest on the ground, the other seven moved to the other side of the classroom, where they sat in a semi-circle around yet another crystal ball. Professor Trelawney sat down, uncorked a new bottle, and took a mighty swig from it, sloshing half of it down her front and the other half on the crystal ball itself.

"Tak, you go first," said the Seer, pointing at Luna.

The two girls looked at each other, shrugged, and Luna moved forward. She waved her hands mysteriously over the crystal ball and made a low moaning noise. This was more for show than anything; it had no effect whatsoever on the area around her. She then went into a long rambling story about a young man named Seville whose life aspiration was to be an oil rig manager. The story had no real plot or chronological order, and ten minutes later Luna left after abruptly ending the story with a volcanic explosion in a small Indonesian city.

Ginny went next (although Trelawney had called her Zelos, much to her dismay) and she concentrated a good twenty seconds before Trelawney deemed her incompetent and dismissed her from the examination. Sheena reappeared, looking indignant and pale and shoved Zelos out of the way in order to give a death prediction about Trelawney before she tottered away, grasping anything that would help her walk in a relatively straight line. Matt went after her, his predictions of a future filled with churning tsunami waves met with Trelawney's drunken giggles.

Girtrude followed Sheena's death threat but went one better: she predicted the complete and total annihilation of a super massive star out in the Dormir Nebula via the Modern Jesus and his powers that were unable to be matched by anyone. Zelos finally got his turn but the only thing he could see in the crystal ball was a screaming baby and he became far too upset to attempt to see more. Gaz quickly said her brother was likely to fall down the stairs at quarter past eleven that night, and then allowed Presea to make a prediction.

Presea focused for about ten seconds and then began to speak, her eyes out of focus and wider than anyone had ever noticed them before. She spoke of a great evil descending upon the melting pot of learning, a ferocious battle unparalleled to anything they'd ever seen before, and that a hero's life would be taken in order to end the bloodshed. Then, a green flash shot through her eyes and she fell to the table, screaming in pain. Luna and Gaz quickly removed her.

"I see… a flower," said Tak once Trelawney had started breathing normally (Presea's fit had sent her into a violent panic attack). "A flower whose petals have slowly come to fall. And through their falling the truth will be seen… a truth that will chill us to our very cores…"

"That's quite enough my dear," gasped Professor Trelawney. "Full marks! Begone!"

She overturned the table and the crystal ball rolled away, out the door, down the stairs, across the campus, into the sea, was picked up by some crab fishermen in the Bering Sea, where it was then flung back in where it was picked up by a tsunami that deposited it in Indonesia where a volcanic explosion sent it flying to nearby Kenya where a stampede of wildebeest caught it, sending it flying to Ethiopia where everyone thought it was a falling star only to watch it be launched again by a passing airliner, this time carrying the small, clear, circular device straight into England, where it continued to roll along the railway tracks towards Hogwarts, only to be shattered at the last second as a runaway Hogwarts Express taken over by house elves shot by, going off the tracks and crashing into a ravine next to Hogwarts (there were 283 house elves aboard).

**Wednesday**

There was something about taking one of Raine's examinations first thing in the morning that made one contemplate suicide more seriously, and two days in the row of it really made one start thinking about writing their wills. The Science exam was mostly memorization of the periodic table (as in Questions 1 to 98 were simply the missing elements from said table), which was followed by an entire page of ion charges, basic properties of physics, an essay on plate tectonics, a matching section on properties of biology and what cell things did what. As the students trudged from her classroom at the sound of the bell, many hoped they never heard the words "photosynthesis" and "rock" ever again.

The Health exam was much more difficult to navigate because of the fact that the cursed lightning ceiling had malfunctioned the day previous. It now shocked people whenever it detected not only impure thoughts but thoughts that were completely unrelated to the Health field in general. Because of this, students were given the suggestion to keep the word "MRSA" in their heads because it was becoming an epidemic in America and the cursed ceiling would appear impressed that one was so up-to-date on stories within the health field. Nevertheless, half the class had suffered multiple shocks throughout the test and Zelos had flat-lined three times because he kept trying to figure out what MRSA stood for using his limited and mostly inappropriate understanding of the Health field.

Technology Appreciation was another small class, and their exam had already taken place. They were assigned to create something from scratch, something that would push the technological world forward. Colette, Presea, Emily, Girtrude, Iggins, Luna, Gaz, Tak, Matt, and Zim took turns presenting their ideas, knowing that their presentations made up a good 25 percent of their final grade.

Gaz presented her finished GameSlave Weapons Modulator, which took hand-held gaming and made it a weapon of mass destruction. The second part of her presentation involved shooting pretty much everything contained within the machine at Iggins, who also presented his new device: a shield that could harm one from most types of artillery. But his hopes of it being invincible were shattered when the GameSlave's aiming function found the one flaw in his shield and blew it up.

Colette presented a robot companion for Girtrude, whose name was Girtrude 2.0. Girtrude, happy to have a companion, finally took away her disguise to reveal himself as Gir forever and ever. From then on, he and Girtrude 2.0 rocketed around, playing tag and completely forgetting about the fact that he still had to present his project. Instead, Matt and Emily presented a video on their own Zoid-like creations, complete with a working judge capsule that would spontaneously crash into the ground, leaving craters. Zim showed off his plans for a new, upgraded version of the Hunter-Destroyer Bot, with animations and computer renderings of how precisely the city of Seattle would fall if he was set down upon it.

Presea, who was still having violent headaches every couple of hours, provided details on a new blade for her ax, one which was able to cut through any armor, and could emit an electrical charge. She did remind them that the cost would be far too high to put to practical use and that the prototype would remain with her forever more. Luna held out an innocent-looking device which she nicknamed the "Torture Teddy." When someone was lying, it would become active and beat the accused senseless until they fessed up to everything. She kept it off because of the old CIA motto: "Everyone lies with every waking breath." And finally Tak presented a super computer who had similar energy properties as the Building B did when it flew through space, complete with Mystral-filters and an energy source that would last for a good billion years (she also had the copyrights to prove that it was hers and kindly reminded everyone that she would disembowel anyone who tried to use it on her).

Snape held the Traditional Magic exam in the courtyard, which was somewhat miserable because it was an unusually cold night in May. Presea found this to be highly disconcerting and she retreated to Ms. Bitters' room to do some research. The rest of the Traditional Magic students huddled together as Snape, dressed in a huge, furry robe probably stolen from Karkaroff, handed them pieces of parchment. His exam was short but very difficult; no written part required. If you could not fulfill the requirements on the sheet, you failed.

Harry successfully disarmed an advancing monster, blocked an enemy spell with the Shield Charm, and repelled a Dementor-boggart with the Patronus (though Snape removed points from him saying that he used the improper spell to deal with a boggart). Hermione gracefully charmed twelve objects to fly around at once, and then changed them flawlessly into a group of butterflies, which she then made fly into the shape of an H above her head. Finding nothing to criticize, Snape allowed her to go. Ron, on the other hand, was a field day for Snape because the poor boy changed the plates into rabid porcupines instead of goblets, grew their teeth to the size of fangs, and gave them the ability to fire their quills like missiles. He sprinted of, wailing, as Snape collapsed with laughter until one of the quills landed in his jacket.

"SIXTY FIVE POINTS FROM FENCE!" he roared. "AND YOU OWE ME DRY CLEANING!"

"Great," muttered Ginny. "There goes his college money…"

"See if you can redeem your family's name, Ms. Weasley," said Snape in an icy tone.

Ginny was given a Venomous Tentacula to play with. She started with her signature move of setting its outermost tentacles on fire, followed by giving it a Confundus Charm to make it throttle itself, and she finished the display off with her best move: the Bat-Bogey Hex, which caused flapping bogies to become lodged in its cell walls, instantly killing the creature. Luna's test, which was to tame a very upset hedgehog, was cut short when Luna held it in stasis and force-fed it some caffeine, which resulted in shock and epileptic fun.

If anyone had doubted Tak's attendance to Hogwarts, her flawless demonstration of the Color Switching, Mammary Transformation, and Darkness Banishing spells served as a perfect display to destroy the non-believers. Colette was the last one to go, and she merely conjured pretty clothing onto the kitten she was supposed to be changing into a ferret. A few students, including Gaz and Girtrude, had decided their grades were high enough that they would not need to take the exam in order to pass. Thus, everyone else retreated into the nice, warm, inviting school for what promised to be an easier sleep. The last two days only had two exams each, which meant they would average about two hours more of sleep each.

**MEANWHILE…**

_ "The time has come. Our powers have finally united and with this Tri-Force we shall—"_

_ "Um… sir… that's copyright infringement…"_

_ "It is?"_

_ "Yeah. Some game… Legend of Zelda…"_

_ "Oh. Um… how about… the Dynamic Trio?"_

_ "Pushing it…"_

_ "Three Musketeers?"_

_ "No."  
"Mousketeers?"_

_ "Are you kidding me?"_

_ "FINE! We're just three evil bosses bent on destroying an entire school of children with magic and other things. Is THAT acceptable?"_

_ "Yes."_

_ "Good. Then tomorrow… we shall take our powers of three bosses and DESTROY THE STUDENTS OF WHITESTONE!"_

**Thursday**

Kratos begrudgingly sat with them during their English examination hat day. Raine was going to have to take the Symphonian Magic class because the law would have prevented Kratos from holding another examination that day. So he grumbled to himself while the students wrote essay after essay, finally making half the class jump when he sent a random fireball soaring through the window, sending him into Overlimit over stupid governmental practices.

Once that was over, the Symphonian Magic exam began. Matt and Tak clearly dominated the Water Magic section, Emily took care of Air, Ginny owned at Fire, and Dib was unbeatable in Earth. However, the best all-around performances went to Genis and Luna, who demonstrated near-complete control over all domains. The worst, unsurprisingly, came from Iggins who could never seem to get the spell to do exactly what he wanted (such as when he screamed "Stone Blast" and a large lightning bolt struck the target instead).

However, right as the students left, something happened. The lights dimmed for a second and a short, quick rumbling ran through the school. Assuming it was just someone screwing up their Earthquake spell, virtually nobody paid any attention to it, except one pink-haired girl, who felt a shock go through her head. She gasped, muttered, "They're coming…" and fell to her dorm room floor. Outside, clouds began to gather, promising rain and perhaps another flash flood. Around the campus, a general feeling of unease hung as everyone waited for the final exam of the day, Careers, to begin.

Ms. Bitters was not present for this exam. Instead, Verimstrasser silently handed them their papers before turning to stare out the window once more. It was another dull exam, calculating estimated figures for various jobs, typical life accident rates and life expectancies, and a personal essay on whether or not their chosen job was going to bring them happiness in life (something Lloyd took to with gusto). Gaz, who finished her examination in about twenty minutes, proceeded to go look for Presea. Just as Verminstrasser opened her mouth to allow them to leave, a large lightning bold struck the flag pole outside, setting it aflame.

"What's going on?" screamed Iggins, losing his head completely.

"It's happening," muttered Verminstrasser in a quiet voice. "The Final Battle is upon us… CHILDREN! We must prepare for battle. A great evil descends upon this earth as we speak. Only those who are fit to fight can remain, the rest must e evacuated. To the cafeteria!"

"Wait a minute! What is she talking about?" asked a terrified Ron.

"Your enemies… our enemies… have gathered their powers together and are now descending upon this school. We have very little time. Let us away, NOW!" snarled Verminstrasser.

She dove from the room in an action-roll that slammed her into the far wall. Not dazed in the least, she sprinted down the hallway, which began to fill with confused students. After a brief moment of silence, everyone started to talk at once, some panicked, some confused. Finally, above the hubbub, Harry, Dib, and Lloyd stood upon their desks and whistled simultaneously.

"We must report, as Professor Verminstrasser said, to the cafeteria," Dib said, clearly, "We will stick together. Nobody gets left behind."

"We will go in the Evacuation Formation Theta, that we learned from Kratos," Lloyd said, "Those who can fight will be up front, weapons drawn. Those who are skilled with Defensive Magic will be behind them, forming a semi-circle for those unwilling or unable to fight, followed by our healers and one sweeper in the rear."

"Wow, Lloyd," said an impressed Colette, "You really were studying for Weapons Appreciation, weren't you?"

"If anyone goes down, say, 'I'm hit,' and the rest of us will do our best to assist you," Harry said, "Any questions?"

"What if we get disemboweled slightly?" asked Girtrude 2.0.

"Um… well… is there a Vizene for that?" asked Dib.

"What the hell are you talking about? Of course there is," replied Luna. "Let's go!"

They left the room quickly. Lloyd, Zelos, Zim, and Dib were in the front lines, each holding weapons at the ready. Behind them were Matt, Hermione, Sheena, and Tak, ready with defensive spells and offensive if needed. Neville was placed on Healing duty while Emily would perform the duties of the sweeper, her duo short swords posed for combat. Luna, ignoring their plans, sprinted off on her own, saying something about contacting the CIA and gathering a few weapons.

They reached the doors of the building and prepared to leave. Just as they went to open the door, however, a massive explosion occurred outside, rocking them around and sending things clattering to the floor. The windows around them exploded and glass showered upon the group, blocked by well-placed spells from Tak and Hermione. On the count of six, they left, rushing across the grounds. They took only a few steps before they realized just how bad the situation was.

Dementors, Gryphons, and Ligers were all soaring and leaping around, attacking anything they could reach. Someone had the sense to release the MEDIA, which swarmed and flashed in order to defend their territory. They could see panicked students running, some pursued by Dementors and others by various other monsters. Once their group was spotted, however, the groups of attacking enemies turned their attention to them and flew down.

"_Protection, arise and defend those who fight for our cause_," chanted Sheena, Matt, and Tak, "SHELTER!"

Just as the first monsters made it to them, impenetrable barriers formed in front of the group, sending them flying back in time for Lloyd and company to strike with Demon Fangs and Doom Slashes. Genis helped them along with a Thunder Blade spell as Emily cut one attacking gryphon out of the sky with Omega Tempest. When the Dementors struck, however, it was the entire Hogwarts crew whose combined Patronuses ran the Dementors through, sending them away for a good long while.

As they were about to celebrate this semi-victory, however, Zelos noticed a large glow amongst the clouds. He only had time to warn everyone to keep their heads down before a humungous fireball came flying out of the sky. It slammed directly down into Building C, which was lit up from the inside for a second before it exploded with a deafening boom. The shockwave sent the group flying to the ground as the shrieks and cries of the other students grew louder.

"Come on!" roared Harry, and everyone stumbled to their feet and ran the last few meters to the cafeteria, stumbling inside as the doors shut and locked behind them.

"Thank goodness!" cried Raine, rushing away from wounded students to embrace Genis. "I was so worried. Did you keep it safe?"

"Yes, Raine," said Genis, flatly. "Your little carving of the Goddess Martel is still safe and sound."

"Good," said Raine, snapping back into commandant mode. "Those of you who know Healing Magic, come with me. We have many students to treat and more keep arriving."

"Who is behind this attack?" asked Dib.

"We're looking into that," said Raine. "We have had reports that its… well… it's unthinkable, but… Kratos will have more information. He's forming a resistance with students who wish to remain."

"There you all are," said Luna, who magically appeared by them. "Gaz and I were wondering just how long it would take you to get here. Building C got blown up and we've evacuated about sixty kids already. But yeah Kratos is getting ready to kick some ass. Wanna help?"

"Of course," said a couple at the same time. "Where is he?"

"Over by the place where they kept the processed meat products. It still smells of ugly," replied Luna, leading them over.

Kratos sat at a table with a map of Whitestone in front of him, on a large table. Snape had enchanted it so that it showed the movements of their enemies. Three large question marks stood where Building C used to be (its debris scattered amongst the rest of the Whitestone landscape). Those who stood with the rest of those preparing to do battle stood in resolution. They weren't going to back down, come hell or high water.

"I don't recognize any of these names," said Kratos, sighing. "Those who seem to be running the show. I guess we're just going to have to take them out one-by-one."

"What's their movements?" asked a curious Ginny.

"They're going from building to building, but it's taking a while. They've destroyed C and searched B. They're on A now. It'll be a while before they tackle the gym, D, and E. But those monsters…" Kratos reported.

"Well, leave them to us," said Lloyd. "We can handle a few monsters."

"There's approximately five hundred and seventy-two individual units," said Luna cheerfully, holding a large, complicated-looking instrument toward the map. "That's not counting the reinforcements they undoubtedly have."

"And as always, Luna casts her rays of optimism on us," sighed Zelos.

"Just doin' my job, Wilder," said Luna in a very redneck voice.

"Alright. I want our short-range battlers up front. We can take a few short-range magic users as well," Kratos said, laying out the plans. "I wish to have to sets of student magic users and ranged attackers on the roofs of D and E. We're lucky Weapons Appreciation was held in D. We will clean out the store rooms, giving students what they deserve in terms of weaponry."

"I shall lead the ranged students," said Verminstrasser. "Those who excel with bow, gun, and magic… we will not let them pass."

"Make sure you prioritize the air attackers first," warned Regal. "That's our best bet."

"Where is Ms. Bitters?" asked Snape.

"Undoubtedly planning a way to kill everyone with a single breath," said Kratos, flatly. "Let's leave her to her devices."

"We will also need a couple students here to supplement our Healing Magic. We also need paramedics. Luna, do you have any jetpacks left?" Raine asked.

"Yep," said Luna. "We over budgeted again this year. Healthcare took a hit but at least we've got about a 6:1 ratio of jetpacks to human resources!"

"What about those newcomers?" asked Raine, indicating Luke, Tear, and Jade, still present as guest students and lecturers from the combat contest from the previous month.

"We'll stay and fight, of course," said Jade, smiling. "I haven't ruined anyone's life in quite a while."

"So he thinks…" Luke muttered in the background as Tear nodded solemnly.

"So it's settled. Branch off and form your groups," said Kratos, as another explosion rocked the room and a few more students stumbled in. "We will activate the school security systems and hope for the best."

Kratos and Jade lined up with about forty total students, including Lloyd, Zelos, Luke, Emily, Iggins, Gaz, Luna, Dib, Professor Trelawney, and Zim, who was now able to wield the golden sword like he was born to it. Colette and Tak embraced their lovers one last time before they left. Gaz and Luna suited up with plenty of evil-looking weapons, and the GameSlave glowed with batteries freshly charged with Indignation-like power. They were to be the first to leave as they gazed out the cracked and broken windows as a few students began to fight without backup from the rest yet.

Verminstrasser took sole control of about thirty of her own students, among them Matt, Genis, Tak, Ginny, Colette, Harry, Ron, Peaches, Gir, and Girtrude 2.0. They were fitted with boomerangs, bows, guns, and a specially-designed crossbow for Girtrude 2.0. All carried an arsenal of various spells, which would be used to take out incoming air attacks, as well as provide cover for those upon the ground. They, too, prepared their weapons and made sure there were no obstructions.

Remaining behind with the sick and injured, while still continuing the evacuation via any means they could use, would be Raine, Regal, Snape, Neville, Sheena, Tear, and Hermione. Tear and Sheena equipped specially designed jetpacks to their lower torso as they would be functioning as the paramedics. With that, Kratos summoned the Master Computer.

"Lock down all schools with Priority Five armor," Kratos said. "I don't need to tell you that this is a serious matter."

Suddenly, random bits of metal began to shoot around the remaining buildings on campus, making them impenetrable fortresses. Just as the metal shutters began to come around to the front of the cafeteria, shielding the broken windows from the melee outside, the combat groups dove out.

"Let's go!" roared Kratos, charging with his group into the assault.

"Up!" called Verminstrasser, summoning a massive elevator that propelled them all to the tops of their respective buildings, giving them good vantage points.

"I do hope they'll be okay," said Hermione, as though she could see through the metal.

"Hermione, why'd you stay behind? You said you'd refuse to learn Symphonian magic!" snapped Sheena.

"Honestly, Sheena, this is hardly the time for juvenile arguments! First Aid!" Hermione shouted, healing one girl of all the injuries on her left arm.

"Da-yum," Sheena muttered. "That bitch got skillz…"

MEANWHILE, outside, Kratos and company reached the first line of monsters, a group mixed of gryphons and ligers. Jade merely sighed and pushed his glasses up in a cocky way, summoning his spear as he and Kratos lead the charge. Luke and Zelos complemented each other very well since their styles were quite similar, with Zelos' magic abilities being the only real thing separating them. Lloyd helped with his own uppercuts and duo slashes, bringing multiple ligers to their knees quite quickly.

Emily found herself back-to-back with Gaz as they were circled by gryphons. Although fond of the creatures for their destructive beauty, the girls held no quarter for their enemies, and Emily's Demon Tempest combo followed by a quick Thunder Blitz missile from Gaz's GameSlave was enough to destroy them. Luna and Dib teamed up and sent a group of enemies flying backwards with Sonic Blasts from their respective swords, and then stood toe-to-toe, casting a large explosion spell that landed on either side and flung the enemies away. It looked so bad-ass that the random MEDIA that got a picture would later post it on the MSN's "This Week in Photos" and it would win forever.

Zim and Trelawney really surprised the rest of the fighters. They were both improving greatly, and Trelawney had no problems dodging and weaving and using her Tarot cards as IEDs, which, while not powerful, were enough to stun the enemy. Zim used the pak on his back to grow his long spider-like legs and he was soon diving through the furious pack of people, slashing and cutting with his Irken adrenaline flowing.

Up on the buildings, with everyone situated and ready to go, Verminstrasser scanned the sky with her binoculars. A large amount of winged, skeletal figures with tridents were on the way in, serving as the backup. Verminstrasser gave the FIRE command and it began.

Colette had finally mastered the boomerangs and was attaching little bombs to them so that they exploded when they were far out. Her luck was very strong once more because although she never hit a single thing she was aiming for, she would usually knock three or four others out of the sky right next to the one she intended to hit. Any that she missed, Ron was happy to clean-up with his bow, which had arrows enchanted to do various things: multiply, spin, lock on, and explode to name a few.

Tak, Ginny, and Genis were part of a small task force whose only job was the coverage of those on the ground. When it looked like one area was going to be breached, they would send a bit of fire, lightning, or water cascading down in order to even up the odds. This saved a small group of freshman about six times before the underclassmen collected their heads and began to fight back. Only when one of the flying skeletons shocked Genis with their own brand of lightning did the rest of the mages on the roof begin to retaliate more strongly on the incoming air support.

Matt, who had been laying down a covering fire from his bow, was first to come back, controlling an Ancient Nova spell that suspended itself in mid-air and blew apart a good dozen of the aerial monsters. Harry sent Knockback Jinxes flying so fast that it was almost one continuous stream of white-blue light shooting through the sky and impacting the monsters. Peaches, Gir, and Girtrude 2.0 sent off small rockets, each containing a few dozen flares which branched off and embedded themselves into the attackers, exploding with very high-pitched whinny sounds.

"Where is their center of battle?" mused Verminstrasser. "The attacks don't seem to have an organized area."

"No, but I think I just saw who is controlling the monsters," said Matt, looking through the scope of a sniper rifle he had found lying abandoned in a dumpster. "Arietta the Wild."

"Arietta the Wild?" asked Raine as she tended to a boy who had some serious injuries from the liger's teeth.

"Yeah, some gothic, pink-haired bitch with a doll. I outta kill her," said the boy, grimacing in pain and fury.

"Raine, do you have another Pineapple Gel?" said a pale Hermione. "That last Healing Circle made me feel light-headed…"

"Here," said Neville, taking a moment to step away from the magical transporters they were using to transport the most critically injured. "It's my last one so be more careful from now on. Stick to First Aid and Nurse only if needed."

"I don't know why I'm having such a problem," groaned Hermione. "Healing Magic of this sort is much easier than I expected."

"Ms. Granger, your foolish refusal to accept Symphonian Magic is the reason your mana flow is so stunted," said Snape from a desk where he was sorting through the required triage healthcare paperwork.

"I guess proving a point isn't good when you end up being a hindrance to those around you," sighed Hermione, stepping away to help Neville.

"Must you be so hard on her, Severus?" Raine complained. "Can't you just let go of your hatred for Gryffindors for five seconds?"

"Raine, I have nine paper cuts and writer's cramp that is slowly evolving into carpel tunnel. I'm not Peaches; perkiness does not radiate from my body at any point of the day," Snape retorted. "Do you think I can even pretend to be in a good mood right now?"

"Point taken," sighed Raine, leaving him to write out another injury report for a boy named Malcolm Greensly.

As the sound of something large and heavy hit the shutters blocking the hospital wing from view, the special door opened and Sheena came in, dragging behind her two stretchers with the help of some MEDIA. She wheeled them to the waiting area, where four others were already queued for treatment. Sheena sighed, wiped her hands on her… ninja… outfit… thing and then approached Raine.

"I've got Tear behind me with six more. How are things in here?" asked Sheena.

"Well, we're holding down tight over here. As long as the enemy doesn't breach our defenses…" Raine muttered.

Just then, a random grate in the ceiling clattered to the ground and a blonde woman with cold eyes leapt to the ground, drawing out two handguns and pointing them in random angles around the room. A few students screamed and tried to escape, but the woman fired warning shots and blew out a few light fixtures, stopping everyone.

"Shut down all transportation devices. Do it now," said the woman in a slightly masculine, distant voice.

"Do as she says, Neville," said Raine, holding her staff at the ready. "Why have you chosen to attack our Hospital area? Do you not realize how much of a taboo that is?"

"I will not allow any of you to escape," said the woman. "You will remain here until the Commandant decides what to do with you."

Tear ran in, four stretches held on via her fingers and two more pushed entirely by MEDIA. She gasped and stared at the new arrival, instinctively pulling out her knives and staff thing. The woman sighed and looked at her with pity written all over her face.

"Tear Grants… again we must cross our blades…" said the woman.

"Major Legretta," said Tear, looking shocked. "You would attack the wounded?"

"It is as the Commandant ordered," said Legretta. "Stand down, Tear. This is all coming to an end."

"Arietta the Wild?" gasped Luke.

"That's right," squeaked Arietta in the MOST ANNOYING voice in the entire world. "My friends are going to cut out your throats."

"Your friends? You mean the monsters?" asked Dib.

"Yes. She never could have human friends because nobody likes a whiney little gothic brat. Nobody likes Goths, actually. They're hunted in Grand Chokmah," said Jade, smiling.

"That's not true! They have to express their pain with black clothes and mopey poetry!" cried Gaz, mockingly.

"Jeeze she's annoying," said Zelos, "You can't be one of my hunnies either."

"And what is with your dress? Do you have cancer of the lower back?" asked Gaz.

"Hey! This was a dress given to me by the Commandant!" Areitta shouted.

"I'm going to stab your vocal cords! What the hell is wrong with your voice?" asked Emily.

"That's enough from all of you! FEEL THE FIRST BEATS OF TIME!" shouted Arietta.

Around them, and only the group in front of Arietta, they found themselves floating in space again. Behind Arietta, a huge, bright ball of gas began to collect and get brighter. Emily, Luke, and Jade groaned, taking up stances in order to protect themselves. A cut-in of Arietta's sobbing, misery-ridden face flashed across.

"FALL! BIG BANG!" Arietta shouted.

The area exploded, knocking everyone back except Jade, Luke, Emily, and Gaz, who had all managed to block most of it. Arietta, shocked that it didn't work, was even more shocked when Jade shouted, "GORING HELL!" He lifted her off the ground with his spear and exploded a fireball in midair. At about that time, there was a crack from a sniper rifle above and the fireball exploded further as the bullet went through, and Arietta's limp, make-up-running-all-over-her-face-to-give-her-the-appearance-of-a-zombie body went right into the side of Building D, which was so far untouched.

"Well that was annoying," said Jade in a very upbeat voice. "Shall we be on our way?"

"This guy is scary," muttered Lloyd.

"Oh! Don't forget to fill out your Gothic Harvest Tag or the CIA will repossess your tibia," said Luna, handing Jade a small form.

"Diplomatic Immunity!" Jade chanted, holding up a small Grand Chokma ID.

"Well damn," said Luna, throwing the paper away. "Welcome to America!"

"Can we go now?" said Kratos, sighing. "We need to defeat the evil in Building C."

"Alright, alright, fine," said Luke. "Let's go."

"Well damn," said Matt, lowering the rifle. "Jade just happened to put her in a fireball when I tried to get a headshot from the little bitch. Oh well."

"It seems the air attacks have stopped," said Colette. "Professor, can we please go down and help our friends?"

"Yes," said Verminstrasser. "It would be best to vacate this spot. I'm sure our enemies have located us by now."

Her words came an instant too late. As she said that, there were three mysterious glows appeared in the clouds above them. Then, just like with Building C, they plummeted into the roof. The metal prevented damage from the building, but the massive Explosion spells instead sent most of the students flying off and to the ground below. Verminstrasser landed and action rolled, looking unscathed. Gir, Girtrude 2.0, and Peaches all stopped before hitting the ground, and Peaches managed to catch Genis, preventing him injury. Ginny and Sheena both hit hard, rolling along the ground with possible broken bones, and Ron was knocked out cold completely. Only Matt and Harry had managed to cling to the roof, though Colette was now suspended from Matt's other hand.

"Hang on!" Matt said, letting go.

Below them, he a Turbulence Spell was set off and Matt and Colette were both propelled just enough up that they were able to land gracefully on their feet next to Ginny and Ron. Harry levitated himself down and then knelt next to his girlfriend and best friend, a look of intense fury on his face.

"I'm going after those bastards in C," he said. "Someone dispatch Tear and Sheena."

"I'll wait here with them," said Peaches. "You guys go on ahead."

"Alright. We're counting on you, Peaches," said Genis.

Matt, Genis, Harry, Colette, Gir, and Girtrude 2.0, and the only other four other uninjured battlers ran towards the area where Building C used to stand. Along the way, a few stray ligers tried to block their path, casting a lightning-type spell at the group. Genis and Harry took the liberty of blocking those spells, but then they were faced with a bigger problem: Dementors.

"EXPECTO PATRONUM!" shouted Harry, displacing them for a minute.

"Incoming Liger, Harry!" called Colette a second too late. Harry was knocked to the ground and his wand flew from his hands as the monster made ready to rip his jaw out.

"Aqua Edge!" shouted Genis, sending the Liger flying backwards. However, the Dementors had taken this time to swarm and a deep cold came over them.

"I've got an idea," said Matt, shaking slightly as he stood with his bow held carefully behind his back, standing in a force-gathering pose, "_Descend, oh spear of Heaven, and with thy might run mine enemy through to the bowels of the Underworld_. _BEGONE_! HOLY LANCE!"

A group of swords made of light formed in a circle above the group. Then, one-by-one, they plunged themselves through the advancing Dementors, causing them to make a strange pain-like noise. They flew away, and their path was cleared to the Building, where three figures stood on the burned-out stoop. They caught sight of another advancing group: the melee fighters from below.

"Dib!" cried Colette, rushing forward to embrace him.

"Well hello there," said a cheerful Jade. "And how are you all doing today?"

"Dandy," said Matt, enjoying the bit of humor. "Any problems getting here?"

"We had to end a Goth but that's more of a glorious revival than anything. You?" asked Emily.

"Enough!" came a cold, high cry from the stoop. "Your lives end now!"

Another glow came from above and everyone stood around Jade who blocked the spell with his hand. His smile lingered as the smoke in front of the building cleared and the outlines of the three people became more solid. Suddenly, even Jade looked concerned, and he paid for his lapse in concentration when a spiral of light struck him through the chest. He grunted and fell to the ground.

"Who are you?" cried Lloyd.

"We are three of your worst nightmares. Prepare yourselves; your lives end now," came the cold, high voice again as they advanced out of the smoke.

"Major… Legretta, was it?" said Raine, as she moved toward one of the more sickly girls, who was going into shock from the turn of events. "Surely you understand the reason you cannot injure anyone in this room? Are you a cold-blooded killer or a respectable soldier?"

"I no longer differentiate between the two," said Legretta in a very quiet voice. "And that is… that is why I will take your lives here…"

She fired three shots at Raine, who was just able to conjure a Barrier spell in time. Anyone who had been on their feet was on the floor except for her, Snape, and Tear, who still looked stricken. Snape calmly stood up and Legretta turned her guns on him. He smirked at her.

"You are very weak minded," said Snape, fixing her with his gaze. "Let us prove just how much so…"

Suddenly, Legretta went rigid, staring at Snape. She began to breathe heavily, shuddering and twitching. Snape seemed to enjoy this more and more as the time went on. But, finally, he crossed a line. Even he realized it because a brief look of concern passed through his eyes as Legretta shouted, "NO!" and fired. Two shots took Snape in the chest, causing him to grunt and fall backward into his chair. Just as Legretta turned to fire on everyone else, a small piece of metal went flying through the air, hitting Legretta in the leg. She grunted and went to get it as another hit her chest.

"You've… thrown faster… Tear…" muttered Legretta, with a very faint note of pride in her quavering voice.

Looking at the ground, Tear held her left arm with her right, took a deep breath, and muttered, "Searing Sorrow."

And in a move that completely shattered the mildly emotional moment, a large, repetitive explosion of lava sent Legretta flying repeatedly into the ceiling. She made her funny "ah!" noise eighty times before the explosions stopped and Legretta fell to the ground, not moving. Tear collapsed, realizing she had to defeat the woman she most respected twice in one year. Raine, meanwhile, went to attend to Snape, who was becoming paler by the moment.

The figures finally emerged. The first, to Lloyd, Genis, Colette, Zelos, and Kratos' shocks, was Mithos Yggdrasil, the man who had twisted their two worlds apart so long ago. The second, making Harry and Luna gasp, was none other than He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named: Lord Voldemort. They leered at Lloyd and Harry respectively as the third figure made himself known. Dib and Zim both shuddered, knowing that as the last of the three main parts of the story, it would be someone they would fear. That's why when Vandesdelca "Van" Grants stepped forward, there was a moment of polite confusion.

"Wait, who are you?" asked Dib, cocking an eyebrow.

"Dorian General Grants," muttered Jade from the ground. "He's… the final boss in our game…"

"Hey! What about us?" asked Zim. "Where's our final boss?"

"Well you see… you guys never really had a _final_ boss since you got cancelled early. So… we just substituted from Tales of the Abyss. We kinda had no choice," said Matt.

"… how did you know?" asked Van in a confused, indignant voice.

"… I wonder," Matt said, smiling obliviously.

"No matter. We'll defeat you here and now. BEGONE!" said Mithos, twisting forward and slamming himself into the ground in an OUTBURST attack.

The OUTBURST sent everyone flying backward as it was like an explosion attack. A couple managed to get up quickly and both Lloyd and Luke rushed the angel. Van cut Luke off and Lloyd instead felt the pain of another OUTBURST, which also sent Girtrude 2.0 flying as she tried to shoot by. Dib, meanwhile, circled around back in order to get a good shot at the man.

"DOUBLE DEMON FANG!" he shouted, though the shockwaves appeared to merely anger the man.

"OUTBURST!" shouted Mithos very flamer-like as he slammed Dib against the wall.

"You know," Dib moaned, standing up. "That's a pretty cheap attack."

"So? OUTBURST! Haha!" Mithos shouted as Dib was thrown like a rag doll. "You like that? OUTBURST! Oh yes! Take it! OUTBURST! OUTBURST! Oh man, I haven't felt this good in ages…"

"Voldemort, your life is mine!" said Harry while Matt and Emily closed in on both sides, Matt having taken a staff from a fallen battler.

"I think not," said Voldemort coldly. "_Avada Kedavra Duo!_"

Matt and Emily dodged by inches as identical jets of green light sailed into the buildings on either side of them. Matt fired back with a Spread spell which Voldemort turned into a snake, which sent itself at Emily who beheaded it. But during this time, Van had successfully sent Luke backwards with Raging Blast and instead attacked Emily from behind, causing her to fly forward. As if that wasn't enough, Voldemort took advantage of THAT distraction to turn to Matt, stupefying him to simplify things.

"No! NO!" Colette cried, throwing her chalk rams at them in a rage. "GRAND CHARIOT! GRAND CHARIOT!"

"Hey! It's only cool when I spam moves!" growled Mithos, descending upon her.

"No! You don't understand!" Colette screamed. "GRAND CHARIOT!"

"Colette!" cried Lloyd, running forward, but Van spun around and stabbed Lloyd so forcefully that the teen fell to the ground, a look of intense pain upon his face.

"Why isn't this killing you?" Van asked, angry.

"I casted the HP spell," said Luna cheerfully. "That's why none of us are dead yet. And same to you, of course."

"You little brat," Mithos said, altering his course for her. "JUDGEMENT RAY!"

"Oh well. It was fun for a few minutes," said Luna, accepting her fate and falling to the rays.

"Voldemort, take care of the robots," said Mithos, who noticed Gir and Girtrude 2.0 running around in panic mode.

"Of course," said Voldemort, blasting them apart and stopping their antics.

"You monsters," sobbed Colette. "STARDUST CROSS!"

She was doing virtually no harm to them; nobody was. Gaz and Harry attempted something covert but another OUTBURST from Mithos stopped them in their tracks. Dib was still lying on the ground by the wall as Gaz walked over to tend to Luna and Harry tried to roll to his feet, unsuccessful as Voldemort barred down on him. Iggins and Genis were long-since injured by a random monster and Zelos had been caught in another fight and didn't notice Van as he aimed a Negative Gate at his turned back. Now it was just Colette who stood in the way of the three.

"Please," she begged, falling to her knees at last. "Don't do this anymore…"

"You've been a thorn in my side ever since you rejected Martel," snarled Mithos. "Say goodbye to this world you fought so hard to keep. A shame it's going to be destroyed now."

"Don't you lay a finger on her," came a rough, cold voice.

Dib struggled to his feet and walked a few steps forward. He was very much in Overlimit. Suddenly, he stopped, and raised his sword above his head, a pink aura flying around him. The light flashed and it was clear he was finally going to do his Mystic Arte/Hi-Ougi.

"Don't you lay a finger on her," he repeated, cutting through with his sword. A red slash came forth and sliced through the three bad guys, who grunted in mild pain. He then swept the area with more slashes, and a pinkish aura formed around him. Then, the cut-out of Dib's seriously angry face came across as he shouted, "I'LL SHOW YOU THE POWER OF LOVE!"

In the corniest Mystic Arte possible, Dib floated about eight feet above the heads of the bad guys. He then released his hands from in front of his chest and a bunch of hearts exploded from there, raining down on them below in a flurry. They made fun little happy hit noises as they struck. Depleted, Dib fell to the ground, his knees giving away. Colette rushed to be next to him, and now it was their turn to be descended on together. The three bosses, who looked only mildly injured, began to move forward when a new voice stopped them.

"That is as far as you go," came a voice so chilling that even Voldemort's neck hairs stood.

Ms. Bitters and Presea had finally appeared. They were wearing matching black dresses, with the types of hats worn by women at funerals. The black netting hung in front of their faces and both looked stonily back at the three who had invaded. They walked across the silent battlefield as all eyes turned to them. Matt twitched, Emily moved around a bit, and Jade even managed to sit up; everyone else was either out or unable to move.

"Your lives have been meaningful to this point. You have served to better our youth in the fight to keep the world in order for at least a miniscule additional amount of time," said Ms. Bitters. "But your purpose has been served, your boundaries overstepped. It is time… for you to die. Presea, you know what to do."

"… yes…" said Presea, holding high a large, ceremonious ax. "It is… my destiny."

"Alright. DUO-GI!" shouted Ms. Bitters.

Two cut-outs, one of each Bitters and Presea, flashed across. Presea moved her ax in a special arc that blasted lines at Van, Voldy, and Yggy. The lines then lifted them into the sky.

"_I, who hath served this world for an eternity, now fulfill the destiny that befalls one of my station. I shall unleash this power, for which there is no equal in this world_," Ms. Bitters said. "_BEGONE_, _BLEMISH_ _OF_ _THE_ _EARTH_!"

Two stars seemed to appear from nowhere, and the heat generated from each began to torch the three baddies. "DUEL THE SUN!" shouted Ms. Bitters.

"AQUARIAS SPHERE!" Ms. Bitters cried, and the suns were replaced by two thin, extremely powerful spirals of water that ran them through.

"PRISMIC STARS!" roared Ms. Bitters, her voice getting louder with each spell. This time, countless stars and planets shot through the Voldemort, Mithos, and Van, as the three screamed in pain.

"BRIGHTEST GATE!" screamed the teacher, as a single galaxy seemed to charge and give off the power of all the stars it contained at once.

"EXPLOSION NOVA!" was the call that game as a supermassive star exploded right on top of them.

"MAXWELL ROAR!" was followed by their suspension in front of a black hole as they were slammed by meteors being taken in by the black hole itself.

"DIMENSIONAL MATERIAL!" seemed to place them inside the black hole as the gravity seemed to suck them into the darkness as they screamed and faded from sight.

Then, it was calm, and Ms. Bitters spread her arms to the school and said, "Blue Earth!"

A healing aura unlike anything they'd ever experienced formed over the entire school. Anyone who was sick, injured, and even one who had died felt their wounds close, and their energy returned. The carcasses of the monsters were gone, and the trees were once again in full bloom. Even more shocking, Building C had rebuilt itself. One-by-one, everyone stood and moved to their friends.

"Zelos! Zelos are you alright?" screamed Tak, rushing over to leap into his arms as he stood. "Zelos… I thought…"

"It's alright, Tak," Zelos said in his most mature, soothing voice. "Everything's fine. I'm still here."

"Ginny?" Harry said, struggling to his feet. "Are you hurt?"

"No," Ginny said, quietly hugging him. "I'm perfectly fine, thanks to whatever that healing aura was."

"That was wicked," said Ron, holding his palm to his face. "One minute my hand is shattered into like six pieces and then the next second… I'm fine."

"What power… that was much more advanced than even the Planetary Fonic Arte," Jade mused, as though the battle that had just concluded had never occurred. "If only I could control it…"

"Then you'd be even scarier," Luke said. "I hope, for our sake, you never learn to use it."

"Genis, you okay?" Lloyd asked, helping his best friend stand.

"Well besides the fact I just had to help destroy my only half-elf friend for the second time in less than two years… yeah, I'm dandy," Genis said, dusting himself and his kendama off.

"I simply cannot believe they were still alive after we all subdued them once in our own areas," Kratos said, surveying the spot where Mithos, Voldemort, and Van had once stood. "It defies my understanding."

"But I'm pretty sure they're gone forever now," Matt said.

"Yeah, getting sucked into a black hole and hit by multiple planets kind of ruins your entire day," Emily agreed.

"I think it's just great we got to vanquish all our enemies together! What a unifying exercise!" chirped an ever-perky Peaches, who was being hugged around the middle by Gir and Girtrude 2.0

"We love you Momma Peaches," sang Girtrude 2.0, "Will you tell us a story?"

"I like pancakes!" Gir screamed, "Momma Peaches will you make Pancakes for us?"

"Momma Peaches? Gir… did that Black Hole mess with your programming functions?" asked Zim, looking concerned for his robot.

"Tell you what, let's go get Daddy Master to help us make the batter…" Peaches suggested.

"I told you, I'M NOT PAYING CHILD SUPPORT FOR THOSE LITTLE BASTARDS!" came the shout of Master Computer across the campus.

"STOP SHIRKING YOUR RESPONSIBILITIES!" Peaches roared back. "YOU IS GONNA PAY WHAT YOU OWE!"

"Isn't it great to see a happy family all together?" said Colette as Dib made sure she was uninjured.

"You never cease to amaze me," said Dib, looking still shaking. "I'm glad I finally got to use my Mystic Arte/Hi-Ougi."

"Did it even, like, do anything?" asked Iggins. "I mean it's clear that Ms. Bitters got the final hit on those guys. It's like your ultimate power didn't do anything."

"That's not true, moron," Gaz said, holding up a walkthrough. "The power of Love is a great weakness to both Mithos and Voldemort, thus lowering their defenses enough for Ms. Bitters' attacks to end them. Without it, the power they managed to obtain would have been able to withstand even that."

"Then what's Van's excuse?" asked Iggins in a haughty voice, hoping to salvage some form of victory from the argument.

"Van got dropped into the center of the earth when he was ten," said Luna. "That also ruins your life. Now if you don't stop ruining this happy moment of victory I'm going to draw and quarter to you and set your entrails on fire."

"Ah…" said Trelawney holding a card to her face mysteriously. "They approach!"

Everyone who had previously been within the hospital area came sprinting to the rest of them. Hermione, having gone way past the verge of tears minutes ago, collapsed into Ron and Harrys' arms. Raine threw her arms around her younger brother and gave Lloyd and uncharacteristic peck on the cheek for keeping him safe. Tear hugged Luke and then they both blushed and turned away from each other. Neville was randomly hugged by a smiling Luna, and they were both immediately swarmed with MEDIA, all of whom seemed to feel the need to get attention from Neville.

"But wait… to unleash such power…" said Verminstrasser, and suddenly a look of fear came on her face. "… no…"

"What is it?" Regal asked, concerned.

"It is as you fear," said Snape. "The amount of mana and magic unleashed by that woman in that short attack… no human body could ever support the mana going through it."

"The fonons would easily separate," said Tear, still flushing a bit. "So… where is Ms. Bitters?"

That's when everyone realized for the first time that they could not see the teacher. Presea, however, was kneeling next to the building. Closer inspection showed a nearly-transparent Ms. Bitters hovering next to her, speaking an obviously prepared speech of passage.

"… and with this," said Ms. Bitters. "I pass the torch to Presea. It is now your job to educate the masses on how to preserve the world. I trust you can accept this task?"

"For honor, glory, and Sparta," said Presea, nodding.

"Very well," said Ms. Bitters, fading from sight.

"Did… did she…" Colette stuttered.

"She's gone," said Dib. "I'm at once relieved and saddened."

"Goodbye, our teacher," said Ginny. "You were a true hero in this."

"May the Fujibayashi clan welcome you into the afterlife," Sheena said.

"But the knowledge of how to do that! How will we ever know?" Raine squealed, making a few people glare at her.

"Does this mean Presea can do it now?" asked Luna. "That whole do-some-spacey-stuff-and-suck-enemies-into-a-black-hole thing?"

"Yes, so don't make her mad," said Gaz, turning her attention on them.

"It is my duty," explained Presea. "As one who is descended from the chosen line. Ms. Bitters' time of carrying the weight was over. It is my turn now."

"What are we going to do without Ms. Bitters?" asked a rather sad-looking Matt.

"Rejoice and be happy," said Zelos, "No more fate hanging over us."

"Oh but she's not dead," said Trelawney, grinning psychotically. "She's just immaterial. Now she's basically a ghost."

Suddenly, a very transparent Ms. Bitters floated out of the school and set her hand on Zelos' shoulder. The boy turned slowly to face her and cringed, gulped, and realized his life was about to be ruined sixty times over. She didn't speak; it was unnecessary. She was here to stay and there was nothing they could do.

"In honor of the sacrifice of this great woman, all remaining exams have been cancelled," said Kratos, while Raine looked mildly scandalized.

"HOORAY FOR MS. BITTERS!" shouted everyone, applauding her as she floated angrily right near the foot of Building C.

"Your exam grades will be returned by Monday and your flights will leave Tuesday. GO IN PEACE!" she shouted, disappearing into the closed doors.

"Well that was the most awkward school year I've ever been through," said a bemused Genis as everyone went their separate ways from Building C. "I don't know if I learned nothing, or everything."

"But we did have some sweet adventures," said Colette. "And met some amazing new friends."

"I'll keep in touch with all of you," said Ginny. "It's been fun travelling all over the world and beyond."

"Our paths have been interwoven. I'm sure we will meet again. This was not our final adventure," Presea said sagely.

"I can only hope our next adventures involve going somewhere warm, sunny, and with babes in swimsuits," said Ron wistfully.

"Gee, I wonder if that was aimed at anyone," said Zelos, smirking at Sheena. "Ladies, feel free to give me your names and numbers, I'll be free all summer. Guys… well… it's been fun."

"I want to know how you all did on your exams," said Hermione, earning quite a few shocked and disgruntled stares. "Er… to… share in your successes with you."

"You all are my BFFs forever," sobbed Peaches. "I've got your personal data inside my memory banks, so we'll always be able to keep in touch."

"That's fantastic," said Neville. "Can I see that sometime?"

"I've got the CIA Factbook," said Luna. "I've got way more on all of you than you'd ever want to know about yourselves. Oh and I don't get cell service at my house, so try getting me on IM, kay?"

"The Irken Race will surely grant you all amnesty once we conquer this disgusting planet," said Zim. "And… even I have grown to… ugh… accept you all."

"When you pansies are done being sentimental," said Gaz. "We're having one last video game bash. Everyone's invited. DDR, Halo, Mario Party, and plenty of other fun awaits. TO THE GYM!"

"HUZZAH!" everyone shouted, sprinting to the gym over the newly-mowed lawns of Whitestone. Above them, shooting through the clouds, Gir and Girtrude 2.0 chased down a missile and began to play catch as the birds sang and the bees hummed across the campus of Whitestone. And the world was at peace once again… for at least a couple hours.

**FROM THE AUTHOR'S MIND (June 2011):**

**I originally left this up as the "Ending" for some time and then did one more chapter. I regret nothing. Also, if anyone wants to see basically what Ms. Bitters did, YouTube Tales of Rebirth Hi-Ougi's and look for Duel (Dual?) the Sun and the extensions. Also, I had found a spot, while editing, where I used "your" instead of "you're" and I wanted to kill myself.**


	17. Chapter 17: Final Trip

**From the Author's Mind (Updated June 2011):**

**This is the final chapter of the crackfic that I hope you've enjoyed reading up to now. It wasn't originally planned to be a part of the story, but then I decided I wanted a little bit of an epilogue and stuff.**

Chapter 17: The Final Trip

**FINAL HOUSEPOINT TOTALS: TBA**

**Second Monday in June**

Sunny days and warm breezes kept Whitestone looking as beautiful as it had been when Ms. Bitters had released Blue Earth upon it. The students relaxed and spent time with their friends, trading contact information for the summer. There was only one more day of "classes" and that was only to find the results of the exams. Tuesday would be their departure, and everyone already had plane tickets in hand. However, when they awoke Monday morning, their lives took one final turn for the weird.

"Good morning, Harry," said Peaches, cheerfully serving Harry's entire table bowls of various cereals. "I hope you're all ready to hear your exam results!"

"I'm shaking with anticipation," Hermione said, and indeed her hand tremor was so bad she was having issues feeding herself. "I just hope I did really good in Intro to Magic…"

"Hermione, can we please discuss this _after_ we've seen our exam grades?" groaned Ron, his head in his arms. "I don't even want to think about my Potions grade."

"Me neither," said Harry. "Knowing Snape, he found a way to flunk the entire class."

"Would you pass me the butter?" said Luna, ignoring the conversation around her as she poured over a book: CIA: Internship from Hell. "And it was nice of Presea to lend me this book."

"Speaking of which, has anyone seen her lately?" asked Neville.

"She and Gaz went into town last night to terrorize the local elementary school children," said the ever-informed Luna. "Which is a shame because some were just getting over the psychological trauma we caused when we learned to drive…"

"I suppose they're back, then," said Ginny, pointing two tables over. "Gaz is playing her GameSlave 4 again."

"Stupid thing," Gaz hissed, shutting it off. "Everytime I try to play Knights of Under Earth it tries to summon a real dragon. And then the code gets read wrong by the CPU and it crashes faster than Iggins' foam glider."

"It didn't crash, you blew it out of the sky," said Iggins.

"Details are for pompous assholes with no sense of self," said Gaz, fixing Iggins with a glare. "Do you understand?"

"Y… yes!" wailed Iggins, any form of emotional defenses shattered over the repeated abuse he'd received over the course of the year.

"Dib, are you busy tonight? I need you to pack my books away," said Gaz, but then she looked to where Dib and Colette were deep in conversation and instead she sighed, turning back to Iggins. "Pack my books or I'll cut out your spleen."

"So Colette, can I come visit you in Iselia sometime?" asked Dib as he and Colette shared some more bacon.

"Of course! I'll just have to get Grandma to grant you a pass. Ever since it got burned down they really check passports and visas. We get lots of deportations every day," Colette informed him. "I'd love to show you our grapes!"

"I'd be delighted to see them," said Dib. "… and… can Gir, Girtrude 2.0, and Zim just apply for citizenship?"

"Nope," said Colette, still blissfully happy. "They don't allow anything mechanical. Prejudice after Forcystus ordered the said burning of the village. And aliens, of course, would start a riot."

"Oh well, I'm sure they won't be too hard to deal with," said Dib, sighing. "It's not as if the Almighty Tallest are on their way here now or anything…"

"… so, Zim, let me get this straight…" said Tallest Red, as he spoke to Zim on a random video monitor. "You're telling us that Earth's sole purpose is to produce these snacks for consumption… and they have absolutely no redeeming health qualities what-so-ever?"

"That's correct, my Tallest," said Zim, cheerfully. "So the sooner we conquer this planet, the sooner you can capitalize it and make a fortune for the Armada."

"Well…" said Purple. "The ship does need a few new upgrades…"

"And these Cheesey Puffers are to die for," said Red. "Alright, Zim, we've put you at number… uh… 45 on the list for conquest. We'll be in touch soon. And keep sending those snack packages! We might be able to squeeze you in sooner."

"As always, thank you my Tallest," Zim said, waving his antenna in respect.

"As you were," said Red, tearing into a box of donuts.

"Well," said Tak, placing the cue cards she'd been holding for Zim on the ground. "That should do it. I think this plan is better any way. If I just stored the snacks within Earth, they'd get old and gross."

"Of course this plan is better!" Zim said. "I… er… thought of it!"

"Sure, whatever," said Tak, walking over to Zelos' table. "By the way, you better make sure Gir and Girtrude 2.0 don't destroy your Voot Cruiser…"

"Eh?" Zim shouted, looking outside just in time to see the purple machine fly away. Panicked, Zim chased after them.

"Some things never change," Sheena commented dryly as Tak and Zelos shared a kiss. "Zim's still having issues with his robots and you two remind us all just what the phrase 'get a room' really means."

"Oh, Sheena," said Zelos, throwing an arm around her. "You will always have a special place in my heart as my first—"

"Attempted assassin?" Sheena said, stabbing him with the blunt end of a spoon. "I don't think so."

"Genis, how long do you think it'll be before Kratos finds out about how bad I did on my exams?" asked Lloyd in possibly the most pathetic voice in the universe.

"Considering he's grading half of them… two days ago," Genis replied around a mouthful of apple slices.

"But… those were my good exams," Lloyd said, cheering up. "Well Gym was. I guess Weapons didn't count…"

"He's been with Raine the whole time," said Genis, smiling sneakily.

Any color left in Lloyds face quickly left. He began to moan and complain about pretty much everything, trying to excuse his horrible school skills. Genis finally got sick of listening and silently Silenced Lloyd. The half-elf hummed happily to himself as he tried to predict his grades. Just as it seemed the rest of breakfast would pass calmly, the door slammed open and Presea walked in.

"Exam grades have been posted outside the main office in Building A," said Presea, her voice louder than usual. "ALL exam grades have been posted. Classes today will involve going over them. Classes have been shortened to twenty minutes each. First class begins at normal time. Be quick."

"Is that even LEGAL?" Lloyd shouted, losing his head.

"It is in Japan," said Tak. "It's commonplace. I suppose they found a loophole in something for this."

"NO!" squealed Hermione, dashing from the room. "NOBODY gets to see my results before me!"

"Me either! FIREBALL!" Genis shouted, stopping a few girls in their tracks as they tried to sneak out ahead of him and Hermione.

"We might as well go," said Ron, sighing. "Or she'll be back to tell us before we get the joy of seeing it for ourselves."

"Did your Mum say anything about this?" asked Harry.

"Just that if I didn't pass at least ¾ of my classes Ginny had her permission to beat me with a skillet," said Ron, sighing again. "I'm surprised she was so nice about it…"

"Let's go," said Sheena. "I want to be the one who sees my own grade with my own eyes…"

"This is seriously not right," said Zelos. "What if… um… you did like… bad on a certain exam… and everyone sees it…"

"What exam did you do bad on, Zelos?" asked Colette, confused.

"Uh… I… no I mean what if YOU did bad Colette?" said Zelos, thinking quickly. "Wouldn't… wouldn't you not want people to see?"

"Oh, I don't mind," said Colette with a smile. "I already know I'm a complete dumbass sometimes. Everyone would find out eventually anyway. It's just easier for them this way."

"Right… thanks…" muttered Zelos.

"I'm confident in my scores," said Dib. "I studied hard. I have no regrets."

"Quit trying to sound epic, human," spat Zim. "I must go reap the rewards of my victory!"

They made their way across the courtyard, varying from dead-on sprints from Hermione, Genis, and Matt to slow canters, like Sheena, Ginny, and Neville, to dragging-their-feet-as-though-they-were-about-to-be-hung Lloyd and Ron. They reached the large board one at a time, scanning hopefully for their grades. It was ranked alphabetically, which was good because if they had ranked it any other way there would have been some very sad children standing in the group. As it was, a few were already hysterical.

"I only got a C in Gym!" shouted Hermione, sobbing hysterically and rocking back and forth. "And a B on my Potions! We did so well! My average is RUINED."

"It's A's all the rest of the way, though," Ron said, helpfully. "Look at me, I only failed Math and Science, and only by a little bit…"

"I managed to get an A- on Snape's Traditional Magic?" gasped Harry. "That's amazing!"

"I only had eight classes with exams…" said Neville, reading through his scores. "And I did good on the ones that required me to do good!"

"Hmm…" said Luna, scanning her own list. "I didn't fail anything, thankfully… I was rather worried about Divination…"

"THAT BITCH FLUNKED ME!" shouted Ginny. "I wrote like six paragraphs on her written exam on the stupid Tarot and she flunked me! How dare she?"

"Hmm… so that's… 15 A's for me," said Tak. "Not too shabby."

"Isn't that all the classes with an exam?" asked Dib.

"No, only 14 had exams and everyone automatically got an A in Weapons Appreciation," said Gaz, who stared at her grades indifferently. "Well I guess skipping Divination would lead me to get an F… but all I cared about was Tech Appreciaton, and I got my A+. The world can now live."

"Er… right…" said Dib. "I am a little disappointed at my magic class grades… but I suppose that's to be expected, and my overall test grades were a B, so…"

"Yes, yes, very nice, human," said Zim, elbowing Dib out of the way to look at his grades. "Now the mighty ZIIIIIM shall read his grades… hmm… hmm… yes… as expected… very nice… hmm… eh? Wait a minute, a C in Math? How is this possible?"

"Did you use some alien addition to figure the problems out?" retorted Dib.

"Your human ways are inferior to finding the answers to the problems," countered Zim.

"If you can't prove your work in a way that Ms. Sage can understand, then you're going to lose points," said Dib.

"I failed two testssss!" shouted Gir, his eyes flashing happily. "Yaaaaaay!"

"Let's make omelets!" shouted Girtrude 2.0, shooting eggs at the opposite wall.

"I can see why you got a B in Tech Appreciation," Genis muttered dryly to Colette.

"Yeah, and the only exams I failed were Healing Magic and Science," said Colette, cheerfully. "How'd you do, Genis?"

"Not too bad… mostly A's… a B in Potions and Healing Magic… oh and a C+ in Gym…" muttered Genis. "But not too bad otherwise."

"Oh… well, not so bad…" Zelos said, pretending to be cheerful. "Passed everything, ahahahah… well, I'm gonna go get ready for…"

"You failed English… and Health?" gasped Sheena, and then she began to laugh. "Zelos, what exactly did you think MRSA and HIPPA meant?"

"Yeah… well… Sheena, you failed English, too," snapped Zelos. "And how'd you get such a low grade in Math and Science?"

"Um… well… uh… at least I did better than Lloyd!" shouted Sheena.

"Where is he?" asked Zelos.

"Over there, sobbing," said Genis, pointing to the figure of Lloyd, who was rolled into a ball and rocking back and forth.

"Oh my," said Colette, reading his grades. "Fs in Intro to Magic, English, Math, Science, and Potions… D- in Careers and English… oh but at least you got an A+ in Gym!"

"It rounded him up to a D," agreed Presea, taciturnly. "I am pleased with my grades."

"Looks like we didn't do too bad," said Matt as he and Emily scanned their grades. "But dammit you beat me by a percent."

"Muahaha," cackled his friend. "Well you should've tried harder."

"Let's hurry up and go to class," moaned Lloyd. "I want this day to be over…"

**Later, in Classes:**

Ms. Bitters hovered transparently above her desk during their final Social Study class, admonishing them for the questions they'd missed throughout the exam. Those who got any type of A were commended for their hard work and given stars (which the entire class was now able to dodge), while those who had done poorly had their dreams crushed and their lives ruined with her words.

Raine spent the entire Math course complaining loudly about how poorly everyone had done on her exam (the only As in the entire school had been Genis, Hermione, Tak, and Zelos), and went over the problems people had missed. Only Genis and Hermione paid her any attention; the rest were just happy that she wasn't spamming Ray or Holy Lance on them as they sat there. When her tirade was over, she moved into self-pity, saying that she was not as successful as a teacher as she could have been, but only Colette and Peaches bought it and the rest of the class left her to her fake-sobs.

In Careers, Professor Verminstrasser explained that their tests had been graded based partly on their content on the essays and partly on the career packets they'd been working on all year. Neville was ecstatic to learn that he was one of the five who got A+s on the assignment (the others being Presea, Luna, Genis, and Hermione), and Lloyd was able to understand why he still only got a D- after the fantastic essay he'd written (since he flatly refused to do the packet all year long).

"Also," said Verminstrasser. "Peaches, your job has finally been released to you. Gaz, your job transfer has also been approved."

"Finally," spat Gaz. "I applied back in March."

Snape's shortened period was spent in his usual angry demeanor, making snide comments about Harry, Ron, and Hermione in particular. He answered a few questions and briefly attempted to explain his very subjective, very complex grading system, and turned them loose five minutes early so that he could celebrate his final docking of points from Fence (150 for Ron sneezing in class).

Everyone got a real treat in English: Kratos called Lloyd up to the front of the room and proceeded to berate him over his failed grades. Six backhands and twenty verbal threats on his life later, Lloyd found that he was able to heal with time and that maybe one day he'd be able to look his father in the eye again. But until that day he cowered slightly whenever Kratos' voice spoke as he commended those who had done well, while shaming those who had failed. Weapons Appreciation was cancelled because Kratos explained they had all more than proven themselves in that department.

Raine attempted a repeat showing in Science but since nobody listened to her, she gave up and instead answered questions from Hermione and Genis as they argued over their mere A's rather than A+'s. Instead of Regal's Cooking class, they skipped straight to Intro to Magic where Ms. Bitters and Verminstrasser reminded them that as humans their knowledge of everything was inferior and that a perfect score was next to impossible in that class due to bias and other issues (Tak looked very smug at this revelation).

Snape was unable to attend his Potions class, but left a note saying that they all were probably never going to be decent Potions masters and that he had recently drafted a law forbidding the Increased Giddiness Potion in three states, with severe restrictions on seventeen others. Colette, Gir, and Girtrude 2.0 decided they were going to have to march on Washington in a couple of weeks to amend this.

By this point, the school seemed tired of sending the students around campus, so over the intercom they had a quick message about how everyone was to report to the auditorium within ten minutes. When they took their seats, and the chatter had risen to a roar, Professor Sage ascended the stage, holding her staff menacingly. At first only the first couple rows paid her any attention, but when she raised the staff and started to cast a spell, everyone shut up instantly.

"She's even better than me," commented Snape from the table. "I wish I could get my students to shut up so quickly…"

"Raine is very… medieval… in her punishments…" Regal said.

"Well, students," said Raine. "It is my pleasure to welcome you to the end of our first year of operation here at Whitestone Magical Academy. To those who will be leaving us this year due to graduation or psychological trauma, we hope you will cherish these memories forever. You will certainly never have another experience like Whitestone in your life.

"To begin today's assembly, we'd like to first recognize our Top Ten students. I'm pleased to introduce Ms. Bitters, who will read the prepared statement and names. Ms. Bitters, if you would…?"

The ghost woman floated to the microphone and it self-adjusted. She took in a deep, rattling, haunting breath and launched into a long-winded speech about the current state of education and how many of the students would probably end up finding out that they wasted their lives when they were about fifty and that there was no hope for them unless they woke up and stopped being stupid right then and there.

"However," concluded Ms. Bitters. "We would like to take a moment to honor those students who have tried to make something of themselves this year. We will award the Top 10 students, whose prize includes a pair of tickets to a special tropical beach on the Isle of Mandragon, which includes round-trip airfare, a six night, seven day stay at a five-star hotel, and snorkeling. Hang gliding can be purchased separately. Without further ado, I introduce the Whitestone Top Ten…"

The attention in the room sharpened. Genis and Hermione were on the edge of their seats; which one of them would be the valedictorian? Ms. Bitters began to read through the names and averages.

"Number 10, with an 86.2% average… Dib Membrane," read Ms. Bitters.

"YES!" Dib shouted, running forward to accept his prize from Raine.

"Number 9, with an 86.6%," said Ms. Bitters, "Zim Zimmerson!"

"FALL BEFORE ME, PITIFUL HUMANS!" shouted Zim as he leapt on everyone's heads, going to the stage. "FOR I AM 9, THE LUCKIEST NUMBER OF THE IRKEN RACE!"

"Number 8, with an 86.9%... Luna Lovegood!"

"Oh, really? Wow. I totally thought my abysmal grades throughout the year would destroy my chances at the Top Ten. Is this the CIA's version of a sick joke?" Luna said. "Oh well! Plane tickets for me!"

"Number 7, with an 88.9%… Neville Longbottom!"

"What? Me?" said a stunned Neville, who got his tickets from Regal. "I… wow…"

"Number 6, with a 91.2%… Matt Warren!"

"Yes!" said Matt, leaping up. "I hope we get to fly on a Car-Go 500!"

"Number 5, with a 92.2%… Emily Davis!"

"I don't care what we fly on," said Emily. "I just want WARMTH."

"Number 4, with a 92.8% is the Honorable Presea Combatir," said Ms. Bitters, clapping.

"As expected. I'm not that concerned with my grades, but I also know I have a wealth of knowledge at y disposal," said Presea, accepting her tickets from Bitters herself.

"And now the Top 3 of Whitestone… with a 94.2%… Hermione Granger!"

"SON OF A SLUTCUNTINGBITCH!" shouted Hermione. "That little bastard beat me!"

She accepted her stuff from Snape, but she was so furious that even Snape didn't make a snide comment of any sort.

"Number 2... With a 94.3%… Genis Sage!"

"What?" cried Genis. "I'm only second? GAY."

He, too, took his tickets from Kratos with a stony look.

"And our Number 1 student, by far, the Valedictorian for this year… with a 96.6% final average… Tak Mitsubishifordtoyota!"

"And that's how it's done," said Tak, changing into alien form to accept her diploma before she stood before the microphone.

"My fellow students," she said. "We have faced many perils this year: sinking buildings, random attacks from dark powers, and even a trip to the Dormir Nebula… and yet through it all most of us have been able to stay on top of our studies. We leave these hallowed halls with more than just useless book knowledge, but the knowledge that we can use to make the world a much more amazing place. I ask you all to aid me in applause of our fine staff…"

A polite round of applause followed for this as all the staff either nodded or bowed slightly at the recognition.

"… and without further ado, I'd like to say just one thing: Students of the Earthen Whitestone: School has ended. Enjoy your vacation."

There was massive cheering at this and everyone began to clap. Tak bowed and resumed her seat. Ms. Bitters again walked to the podium.

"Now we shall award the House Trophy," said Ms. Bitters. "All year you little brats have been fighting tooth and nail to get this thing, trying to scrape an extra point here and there by doing odd jobs around the school. And now… Professor Aurion!"

"In third place, with a grand total of 6348 points… Potato house!" Kratos read.

Gir and Girtrude 2.0 sent rockets flying into the air while the rest of the Potato students applauded happily; they hadn't been dead last!

"Second place, with 6581 points… Fence House," read Kratos.

There was a lot of barbaric screams; Lloyd, Harry, and Ron looked especially excited at this.

"And in first place… with a whopping 7185 points…" Kratos said, "The House of Iko Iko!"

The Iko Iko students exploded. Cheers, confetti, screams, spells, sobs, yells, and dances flew through the air as they realized they had won. The Typhoid students all looked stunned; how had they lost, when a majority of their students had done amazingly on the exams?

"Congratulations to all of you. The dorms will close at 9:00 tonight, and you must be packed and ready to go. Those of you who won tickets, you are to be ready to leave at 7:00 in the morning tomorrow. Our flight leaves at 9:30 and the airport promises to be hectic," said Kratos. "Goodbye and good luck to all of you."

That night, everyone packed and said good-bye to various friends, as well as decided who to take with them on the flight. Tak invited Zelos, Dib invited Colette, Zim invited Gir (and Girtrude 2.0 hid in the suitcase), Hermione invited Ron, Neville invited Ginny, Luna invited Harry, Presea invited Gaz, Genis invited Lloyd, Matt asked Sheena along which meant Emily was left to ask Iggins, since the Professors were automatically going as paid chaperones. By the time the sun came up, they had already started their journey to the airport.

Upon arrival, they found they had indeed scored a chartered Car-Go 500 (Matt and Dib almost died with glee) and that they were also going to share the plane with Jade, Tear, and Luke while they connected to Auldrant in Mandragon. Excited at the prospect of flight, everyone checked in quickly, made it through security with no hassle, and sat in the boarding area in a very calm, collected way (even the robots weren't going crazy). When the plane pulled up to the gate, the glory of it became real: double decked, a solid-gold color, and a glittering star at the end of it.

"StarDust Airlines? I thought they only flew to the space stations…" muttered Ginny.

"Apparently not! Let's get on!" cried Ron, running forward.

"Man those British people are so immature…" sighed Lloyd.

"You really don't know when to keep your mouth shut, do you?" said Sheena as Luna shocked him with a taser.

They settled into their seats in the enormous plane. Matt, Dib, and even Zim were snapping pictures away at this point, and Luna joined in once she stored all her weapons in the overhead bins (although her pictures were of peoples' shoes and the interesting lighting in the plane). When at last the nearly eight hundred passengers were seated, they began the pushback.

"Where's Gaz?" said Presea, noticing her friend had been missing since that morning.

"I assumed she was with you," said Dib. "You haven't seen her?"

"Come to think of it," said Regal. "Iggins has been particularly happy today; Gaz must not be around…"

"I'm sure we'll find her in Mandragon," said Matt. "I wonder if we got good flight attendants…"

Just as he said that, the curtain moved aside and at once everyone's hearts stopped.

Peaches stood there in a skimpy flight attendant uniform, looking positively elated. She quickly picked up her intercom phone and began to speak in her exceptionally perky voice.

"Heeeeeeeelllllllooooooooooo everyone and welcome aboard StarDust Airlines flight 682 with service to the Isle of Mandragon!" she twittered. "Please sit back and enjoy our out-of-this-world-class service! My assistant here will lead you in the safety demonstration… go on…"

She nudged something forward and everyone basically had a stroke. Due to her short height, nobody had noticed Gaz before then, but now they did. Dressed in the flight attendant uniform herself, Gaz looked positively murderous. She glared at them, as though daring them to make a comment. She held the seatbelt mock-up like a whip, and waited for one hint of humor, one betraying mouth twitch of a smile.

"Soooooooo…" Peaches began. "Make sure you tighten your seatbelt! Shouldn't be too bad… just click and pull! There, like Gaz did. In the event that we lose cabin pressure, your ears might hurt just a teensy bit but then these designer oxygen masks will fall from the sky like magic! It's awesome! You just strap it to your face and you'll be happy once again. Gaz, if you would… oh… you want to talk… okay…"

Gaz took the phone from her and let Peaches continue with the actual demonstration.

"If you're traveling with a small child, make sure you secure your face mask first. You're more important than them. If you're traveling with more than one small child, decide who is most useful or will fetch a higher price before assisting them. In the event of a water landing, the seats will be inflatable and stuff but if you inflate those vests under your seat inside the cabin you'll drown. Do it OUTSIDE the plane, people. If you smoke we'll explode and electronic equipment can but probably won't interfere with the controls of the plane, but if I see it below 10,000 feet, it's mine. Any questions? Good. Sit down, shut up, and let's get this metal death tube off the ground!"

She slammed the receiver down and sat next to Presea, seething. Peaches, who was still demonstrating the inflation of the life vest, seemed to not notice. The plane taxied to the runway and began its take-off roll and Peaches quickly settled herself into a jump seat as the plane climbed over Whitestone and headed for the ocean. About five minutes into the flight, the overhead seatbelt signs went off and everyone adjusted themselves to properly enjoy the flight.

They were seated at the back of the plane, in a semi-private area, so the sound of the engines was very quiet. In the front of their group sat Colette and Dib, both of whom were happily staring out the window. Kratos, Regal, Raine, and Snape were in the middle section, between the two aisles, and Kratos and Regal were already watching the in-flight movie while Snape perused a magazine on Potions. Raine was looking extremely terrified and seemed to be trying to find a happy place. Bitters and Verminstrasser stared silently at the bulkhead in front of them.

In the next row, Luna and Zim were already in a very quiet though involved conversation on beings from other planets. Zelos and Tak were napping with their heads together. Sheena and Neville had started a game of go fish, and it was about as exciting as DEATH. Gir and Girtrude 2.0 were both rocketing around in their extra harnesses, gleefully giggling about the slow speed of the plane with the comfy seats and terrible food.

Behind them, Presea listened to her chainsaw music as Gaz vented on her about reassignment to flight attendant. Hermione was clutching Ron's arm, looking faintly sick, and he, too, seemed a bit nervous. Harry and Ginny were using their wands to make their tray tables duel, and Ginny's kept winning because it would smack Harry in the face, forcing him to lose his concentration. Lloyd would lean over Genis annoyingly and point to the cloud formations while the half-elf attempted to read a book. Annoyed, they finally switched seats so that Lloyd could have his look out the window and Genis could read.

In the last row of the plane, Matt was taking pictures of the more interesting clouds while Emily, already bored with the flight, had regressed to IFE. Across the first aisle, Jade read an amusing book on some of the more gruesome war heroes of the world, while Tear was passed out and Luke was twitching over the continued speaking of Iggins, who was unfortunately sat next to him. Trelawney sat in the corner alone, rocking back and forth. Many wondered how she was allowed on the plane given her BAC.

The flight proceeded smoothly for the first hour or so, and then it got a little bumpy. Around this time, Peaches had cheerfully dragged Gaz down the aisle to prepare the carts, and they came through with sodas and snacks for everyone. Colette took about six pouches of peanuts, but Dib seemed to not trust the food and took nothing. Raine looked as if she'd lose anything she ate, so Snape took her sandwich and gorged on it (Regal and Kratos had brought food with them, even though it was very illegal, but nobody questioned their authority). Bitters no longer needed sustenance, and Verminstrasser had a conniption when she saw the word "Kosher" on the package and refused to eat another bite.

"Would you like some boxes of juice or maybe a carbonated beverage product?" hissed Gaz at Presea.

"Sprite if you got it," replied Presea. "My head hurts."

"Changing air pressure. And what about you idiots?" asked Gaz, whacking the sleeping Tak and Zelos.

"No, God, let us sleep," moaned Zelos, snapping an eye cover device over his face.

"I'd like some bologna if you have it," said Luna, who was delight when she was given an entire package (chucked by Gaz so forcefully that her hand was slammed into the plastic siding).

"No, Gaz," called Peaches across the row. "You need to be nicer. Like this…"

She wheeled her cart to the center aisle between Sheena/Neville and Gir/Girtrude. Smiling with her almost insanely perky glee-look, she asked them nicely if they wanted any snacks. Sheena took a glass of water, Neville munched on a packet of peanuts, Gir and Girtrude took a bit of mead each (they were old enough to do so apparently) and soon they were asleep.

"Would you like something, Harry?" she asked, kindly.

"Why thanks, Peaches," said Harry, playing along at Ginny and Ron's urgings. "I think it would be just swell if you could give me a bit of shrimp scampi."

"I see…" replied Peaches, kneeling at the cart. "And Ms. Ginny?"

"I would be ever so pleased if you could give me a blooming onion," replied Ginny a sweet voice, her mouth twitching.

"Coming right up!" chirped Peaches, placing the food before them. Stunned, Harry and Ginny both stared at their food, forks-in-hand. Everyone else also blanched.

"That's why the airline tells you to call ahead, I guess," said Luke.

"I WANT STEAK!" shouted Iggins.

"Wow, even I'm not that loud or demanding…" muttered Matt.

"I'll fix that," said Jade, cheerfully.

He stood and stepped over Luke and Tear, picking up Iggins by the scruff of his neck. He then opened the overhead compartment and slammed the teen roughly into it, with a crunching noise. The cabin burst into applause and Peaches gave him the steak instead.

"Alright, I'll do it your way," said Gaz, who turned away, rubbed her eyes, and turned to Ron and Hermione with a very perky, happy smile and shining eyes. "Would you care for one of our delicious meal services?"

Ron and Hermione stared at her, their eyes bugging slightly. Hermione could do nothing more than make a gurgling noise and turn away in terror. Ron gulped and began to sweat slightly.

"Please stop. It's so unnatural…" he moaned.

"I figured as much. Here, have some juice and ginger ale," spat Gaz, slamming the drinks onto the tray tables (sloshing most of it on the two Gryffindors, who dried themselves off angrily).

"Do you have anything chocolate?" asked Genis.

"Genis, you're not allowed to have chocolate on long flights," called Raine from the front row. "You'll get hyper."

"Please, Peaches," whispered Genis, "Just a Milky Way or a Snickers?"

"Have some M&M's, but if Raine asks you didn't get them from me," muttered Peaches as she made a loud and obvious showing when giving Lloyd a turkey sandwich and some milk.

Just as they were getting ready to serve the last row, however, the plane suddenly shuddered violently and the seatbelt sign instantly flared up. Peaches was thrown forward and Gaz spilled half of the stuff that was on top of her cart. Many of the passengers on the plane were wearing their meals and the other half were either shook up or making use of their airplane sick bags. Hermione and Raine were among the second group.

"What the hell?" asked Ron, helping Hermione, "What was that?"

"Bad turbulence, the weather said we could expect that," said Dib. "I think we're okay."

Then, they felt their stomachs drop out below them as the plane began to fall. The entire cabin screamed as they were taken in a rollercoaster dive of sorts; Gir and Girtrude fell from their seats and hit the bulkhead in the front. Harry and Ginny both clung to each other; Peaches squealed as she clung to the seat next to Trelawney (who has completely lost her head by this point), and the rest of the students and staff alternated between screaming and praying. Only one, Ms. Bitters, was completely calm.

"PULL UP!" shouted Zelos. "PULL THIS METAL FLYING DEATH TRAP UP!"

"I DON'T WANT TO DIE!" shouted Tak.

"I DON'T WANT TO FLY!" sobbed Raine.

"I DON'T WANT MY PIE!" screamed Luna, chucking it at the wall, where it splattered over the window.

"I DON'T KNOW WHY WE'RE FALLING SO FAST! WE'LL HIT THE GROUND IN 35 SECONDS AT THIS RATE!" cried Genis.

Then, the plane leveled off and the passengers regained their breath. Some were sobbing, others were laughing hysterically with relief. A few seemed perfectly happy with the change in events. Matt was one of the few who found mild humor in the situation and even took out his video camera to capture any more perilous plunges. They all waited for the captain to come over the air and tell them what had gone wrong. Their wishes were granted five minutes later.

"Sorry about that," came a high-pitched voice they figured they'd recognized but couldn't quite place. "We had some control issues, but we're gonna be landing in about ten minutes, so… enjoy the rest of the flight!"

The plane flew for about eight more minutes, shaking slightly now and again, but remaining mostly steady. Then, the captain made the announcement for landing, but left his microphone on. He should have shut it down, but did not, and thus they heard the conversations between them and the ATC (much of which was foreign to them) and they readied themselves for a landing, their vital signs finally returning to normal.

"StarDust 682," said the captain, "We have the airport in sight and are beginning final approach… we'll be there… OH MY GOD, WHAT THE HELL IS THAT MISSILE FLYING AT US FOR?"

Everyone screamed as there was a flash outside the plane and a massive explosion rocked the left wing. The plane began to spiral toward the water and beach, and the oxygen masks soared from the ceiling. Everyone frantically began to attach them, while grabbing their life jackets from beneath the seats. Peaches made her way to the intercom and began to scream into it as trays and other things shot by as the plane began to become inverted.

"REMEMBER BREATH DEEP AND EASY, LIKE WHEN YOU'RE ON DRUGS AND DON'T INFLATE UNTIL YOU'RE OUTSIDE THE PLANE OR YOU RISK BEIGN TRAPPED IN THE SINKING FUSELAGE!"

"I'M NOT GETTING ANY OXYGEN!" shouted Neville.

"YOU DON'T NEED IT! WE'RE ABOUT TO CRASH, DAMMIT!" screamed Lloyd.

When the plane hit the ground, time seemed to slow down. Then, as the wing sheared off and the explosion ripped through the cabin, everyone slammed forward into the brace positions, trying to protect themselves. They had struck the beach and the ocean, with the back half of the plane beginning to sink.

"Get out!" cried Harry, dragging a badly cut Ginny with him. "We've got to get out of here!"

"Colette, can you walk?" Dib asked as the water began to pour in through their broken window.

"I'm fine," Colette said, sprouting angel wings in an effort to guide others out of the plane.

"Oh yeah, we had the exit row…" muttered Dib.

"The fuselage is cracked ahead," said Matt as he and Emily scurried up the sinking plane while helping Luke, Tear, Lloyd, and Genis. "No point now, right?"

"True. Let's go!" Emily said, bypassing the Exit row.

Gir and Girtrude were clinging to Peaches, sobbing, as they walked up the wreckage and onto the beach, where hundreds of other passenger stumbled away from the plane. Verminstrasser and Bitters had leapt out of the plane just as it hit, and they held stopwatches as they counted the humans escaping. Raine was helped by Kratos as she had apparently injured her leg, while Zelos, Tak, Sheena, and Neville all managed to help drag each other out of the plane. Hermione, who had been pinned under her seat in the rising water, was rescued by the combined effort of Ron and Presea. Trelawney stumbled out of the plane on the wrong side and fell into the water, where she proceeded to make a big deal about drowning in six inches of water until someone took pity on her and lead her to shore. The last two to emerge were Regal, and he was cradling Iggins in his arm as the boy looked vaguely unconscious.

"99 seconds," said Verminstrasser, stopping the watch, "You all pass!"

"Pass?" asked Genis, incredulously. "We were being tested?"

"Look! Jet Fuel!" said Girtrude 2.0, clapping. "Drink up!"

Jet fuel was spilling all over the beach and wreckage. Suddenly, they saw some sparking wires. The wires were also violently moving around and then one broke free and fell from the wing, straight for the lake of jet fuel forming below.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" gasped the students as everything around them went dark and the sound of "SIMULATION OVER" rang across the area.

And suddenly they were back at Whitestone, standing in the cafeteria. Confused, they glanced at each other as Master Computer slowly descended from the ceiling, a strange smirk on his light-and-rollered face.

"You all needed training should your flight to Mandragon crash. You all know what to expect should, it happen. Unfortunately, your circadian rhythms will be off for about a day now because it's actually still nine the previous night but for you all it probably feels like 3:00 tomorrow afternoon, so I think you should all go get ready for bed and we'll see you bright and early tomorrow!"

Verminstrasser and Ms. Bitters leapt/floated on top of him and he rose back into the ceiling. The stunned students and other staff just stared for a few moments before, one-by-one, they began to head back to their dorms. As they went, they broke off into conversations, but they were so desensitized to this sort of thing by now that their conversations either only briefly touched on the surprise simulation or ignored it completely.

"I can't believe we survived this year," said Lloyd. "I can't wait to get home and start sharpening my skills for next year."

"Next year? You're coming back?" said Genis, a sick look on his face.

"Well I was thinking about it… I mean… if they have the funds for it…" said Lloyd.

"I'm not so sure they'll allow another year of Whitestone," said Sheena. "The NIMBYs are all up in arms over us and the only reason we didn't have to fight them off this year was because they figured it was pointless with the year ending so quickly."

"That's highly unfortunate," said Presea, cradling her ax with a faint, Luna-ish smile on her face. "It would have been… enjoyable… to ruin lives of the NIMBYs."

"And Presea enters scary as hell mode," muttered Zelos. "And nobody will ever be safe again."

"Zelos, I'm coming to stay with you all of July, alright?" said Tak. "Will that offend any of your Meltokian girls?"

"Of course not, they'll be delighted to have a new friend!" chirped Colette.

"I don't think it works that way, darling," said Dib, steering her away from the group slightly. "They'll probably get jealous and start calling Tak rude names."

"Oh. Well she'll just set them on fire or drown them," said Colette with another lopsided grin.

"And that's why I love you," said Dib.

"Pugh. Romance. I hate it," said Gaz, turning away to be met by Iggins, who looked eerily proper and normal and was smiling.

"Gaz," he said in a regal, deep voice. "I must say… this entire time… I've been madly in love with you. I think about you all the time and I was only so crazy before because you bewitched me with your looks. And… I think… I think we could have something. I've learned to be myself and to worry about what others think of me… so… please accept this token of my love."

He handed her a flower. Gaz's eyes got watery and big and a large, wide grin came across her face. She began to blush. And then her body began to shake. And she snorted. And then she began to laugh. And her laughter turned into hysteria, and the hysteria spread so much that her voice rang from the hills and lightning bolts flew across the blue sky and caused many to stop and stare. And then she stopped, dropped the flower, whipped out her GameSlave, and set the flower on fire with a Communist Laser Unit.

"In your dreams, mortal," she spat, firing the laser directly into his eyes.

"MY LIFE IS RUIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINED!" wailed Iggins, regressing completely.

"Well now we know the psychological capacity of that kid," said Jade, smiling happily. "Let's go, Tear, Luke."

"Do you think you should help him, Tear?" asked Luke as Iggins rolled along the ground in pain.

"He is completely and utterly beyond help," said Tear coldly, turning away with a flick of the hair. "Leave him to his devices."

"Daaaaaaamnn…" Matt said, his bags waiting next to him. "She's as mean as ever."

"That's our Tear, always ready to spread the misery," said Emily. "Which is why we have Peaches to balance it out I guess."

"Aw, that's the second nicest thing I've ever been told," Peaches said, smiling brightly.

"What's the first?" asked Neville, who was passing with the rest of the Hogwarts crew.

"M.C. said I had the biggest Duo Processors he'd ever seen," said Peaches, blushing.

"I told you not to use that name around people," muttered Master Computer, sliding up from the sidewalk. "It decreases their respect and fear of me."

"I'm sorry, sweetie," said Peaches. "Let's take Gir and Girtrude 2.0 out to get a snack."

"I WANT A CUPCAKE!" screamed Girtrude 2.0, clinging to Peaches' leg.

"I WANT A BICYCLE!" screeched Gir, slamming into her other leg.

"I can't believe I'm still paying for them," muttered Master Computer, but then he caught site of Peaches' glare and he allowed himself to be taken towards the local Dairy Queen.

"Well, Luna, I guess it's time for us to part ways," said Zim in his normal formal, slightly alieny-arrogant manner. "It was a good old time with you, and I just wanted to say that…"

"Wanna work for the CIA?" asked Luna, happily.

"Eh? The CIA?" Zim asked. "How will that benefit me?"

"You get all the secrets of the world's governments. No exceptions, no bull," said Luna, grinning and handing him a pamphlet.

"I shall join your CIA… and victory will be MIIIIIIINE!" shouted Zim.

"Well that shouldn't be to hard in the wizarding world considering the current abilities of the Ministry of Magic…" Ginny complained, rolling her eyes.

"Always with the positive thinking, huh?" said Harry with a grin.

"Hey, Harry, I think we should take Symphonian Magic next year, unless Hogwarts reopened," said Ron. "I think we're going to need it to combat Hermione and Ginny…"

"And Luna," said Neville. "She's become pretty fearsome this year, hasn't she?"

"Luna… is probably better left alone," said Harry as he watched her show Zim the various levels of grenades new CIA operatives got.

"Agreed, mate," said Ron. "Shall we flag down the Knight Bus or travel via Floo?"

"I'm thinking the broomsticks, myself," said Hermione. "I need to learn to fly so that I can beat that little snot in something…"

"Hermione," said another voice, and everyone whirled around to see Genis. Hermione turned red.

"Um… H-hi Genis…" she stammered.

He held out his hand and said, "I'm sorry for trying to compete with you so much this year. Maybe next time we can work together… to knock off Tak."

"Agreed," said Hermione, firmly. "Let the powers of Traditional and Symphonian magic combine to stop her."

"See you next time!" said Genis, dashing back toward Lloyd, Colette, and the rest of the Iselia group.

From a distance, the teachers of Whitestone stood and watched their students leave. They displayed various attitudes from annoyance on the faces of Snape and Ms. Bitters to pride with Raine and Regal. As the students moved out of earshot, they began to discuss the success of the first year in Whitestone, as well as the risks that the school would be shut down next year due to lack of funding and the NIMBY threat.

"But even if it does," said Raine. "I think we've made a good impression these students this year. They've overcome a lot and learned to rely on one another in all situations."

"As long as they can retain this feeling of mass reliance," muttered Kratos. "And not be swayed by the temptations of evil in the world."

"I don't hold much hope out for some of them," Snape said, flatly. "There's always going to be something going against them, trying to end them."

"That is why they must be made tougher," said Countess von Verminstrasser. "So that when these things come up they can DESTROY them."

"I for one think they're better prepared for the real world," said Regal. "What about you, Ms. Bitters?"

"I'll agree with Severus this time," Ms. Bitters said (Snape did a little victory dance behind her). "Some of them will make it… but others are likely to end up in a monotony of misery from which they can never escape."

"I disagree," said Raine. "We can expect great things from these students. Who knows what the future will bring… it will be exciting to see."

"Well, now that that's over," said Trelawney, dusting her hands off. "LET'S GET FUCKING WASTED!"  
"Aye aye!" shouted the rest of the teachers, sprinting toward the local bar.

**EPILOGUE**

**Lloyd Irving** went on to be a barber and entered a monotony of misery from which he never could escape.

**Genis Sage** became a magical chef right after he graduated, and his own television show became a cult favorite with soccer moms and aspiring magicians alike.

**Colette Brunnel** graduated bottom of her class from Fortunasburg University with a degree in veterinary medicine (her GPA of 3.44 was laughable to her peers). After leading a successful march on Washington for the defeat of the Anti-Increased Giddiness Potion Bill, she became world-renown for finding a cure for depression.

**Raine Sage** continued to teach for years and years, spreading her knowledge and bodily harm to hundreds of other pupils. She retired only when they dragged her, kicking and screaming, from the classroom as most of the class lay either unconscious or dazed from the melee that had taken place in the front of the room. She then took up knitting and chess.

**Kratos Aurion** decided he could not handle the psychological trauma of teaching, so instead he went back to being a mercenary for hire, killing anyone as long as the price was high enough. He never married again and continued to "teach Lloyd a lesson" whenever it was required.

**Zelos Wilder** and **Tak Mitsubishifordtoyota** were married just months after leaving Whitestone. In a move that shocked Simon Cowell, they became a famous singing duo noted for their inspired covers and original melodies. They currently reside in Pasadena with their six children: Zork, Velk, Blon, Err, Kep, and Wilhelmina.

**Sheena Fujibayashi** became a master Summoner and returned to Mizuho to rule it. They went bankrupt a few years later as her idea for "massage parlors" around the country failed. She now sings back-up in Zelos' band.

**Regal Bryan** was one of many to go missing after a cruise ship sank off the coast of Port Fortune. He was rumored to have been attempting the trapped kitchen crew when the ship capsized, and nobody has heard from him since then.

**Presea Combatir** received her teaching certificate and quickly found herself lecturing away at the corroding minds of the nation's youth. She has continued to spread her knowledge for an eternity, until the day of the next person's awakening arrives. She continues to gather the knowledge of the world and has retained a healthy addiction for NIMBY hunting.

**Dib Membrane** enrolled early into the University of Port Fortune where he majored in the country's only "Paranormal Investigator" major. Graduating top of his class of 3, he and Colette moved to the rural town of Grotely, so that Colette could be closer to animals and Dib could be closer to crop circles. They currently have three children: Dib Jr., Kelly, and Wallace.

**Gaz Membrane** became a top engineer for the GameSlave company and was one of the pioneers to the GameSlave Destroyer, a system that featured real weapons in a simulation chamber. After making an enormous fortune on the product, she fended off all the injury lawsuits and moved to a beach in South Carolina where she owns shark-infested, beach front property.

**Zim Zimmerson** joined the CIA and, with Luna, the two became the leaders of the CIA in about six years. When the time for the conquest of earth came, the Massive was hit by a meteor and had to return to Irk for repairs, but Zim was having enough fun bossing the interns around that he didn't much care and figured he could wait another ten or eleven years for the conquest.

**Gir**, **Girtrude 2.0**, **Peaches**, and **Master Computer** eventually learned to love one-another and became a family. They took care of most of the processes at Whitestone as it continued to function (Master Computer handled administration; Peaches took the switchboard; Gir and Girtrude 2.0 were the maintenance staff).

**Iggins Jones** entered a monotony of misery from which he never escaped.

**Ms. Bitters** and **Countess von Verminstrasser** continued to teach for a further twelve years before retiring to a private beach cottage in the war-torn country of Quasar. The spent the long, lazy days entering flashbacks of their youth and teaching careers, causing a great demoralization to the entire country, which went bankrupt and was eaten by Uswelga years later. Their current locations remain unknown.

**Harry Potter** and **Ginny Weasley** were happy to return to Hogwarts when it re-opened and finished their magical education. They married barely a year after it all ended and later their sons attended Hogwarts while their daughter decided to attend La Academia de Whitestone, a school opened in Chiahuahua, Mexico (**Gorfy** became headmaster). Harry works as an Auror and Ginny spends most of her days teaching Fire Magic at La Academia.

**Hermione Granger** returned to Hogwarts the following year and reached an agreement with the house elves, which allowed the school to re-open. Upon completion of her magical education, she went on to have a lucrative and scandal-less country singing career. Her many hits became favorites and she reshaped the image of the typical Country Western singer.

**Ronald Weasley** married Hermione Granger soon after they graduated Hogwarts. He became Hermione's road manager of sorts after he was kicked out of Hogwarts for accidentally breaking something large and antique. He was not completely S.O.L., however, for he found his calling in something else: toilet seat manufacturing.

**Neville Longbottom** introduced Herbology to the Whitestone Academy curriculum and became one of its first Professors. After saving three students from a rogue strain of Devil's Snare, he was given an Award of Excellence and was transferred to Hogwarts when Professor Sprout retired. He never married; his love for that damn cactus he got when he was 15 didn't allow for a woman in his life.

**Luna Lovegood** continued to train in the CIA with Zim and eventually the two became the heads of it. Her body count is classified, the monetary damage she caused to the world is far too much to calculate, and she managed to completely annihilate three small countries in only two and a quarter days. She continued to be as unpredictable as ever and by the time she was ready to marry, she and Zim had decided to form a civil union to stop all the stupid interns from hitting on them (though, according to her, pointing guns at the stupider ones had a strong effect as well).

**Severus Snape** went back to being Potions teacher and attempted to secure the Defense Against the Dark Arts post for about twenty more years before he just said, "screw it," and left. He currently resides in Whitestone, where he delights in sitting on his conveniently-placed porch, firing curses and jinxes at the students as they go from class to class (and even he occasionally helps out with the Potions class, and by that we of course mean he tells the dumb ones each and every little thing they're doing wrong).

**Professor Trelawney** died of alcohol poisoning six weeks after the first term of Whitestone ended. A few people were relieved by this, but then she came back as a ghost and continued to try and drink entire bottles of sherry by floating through them. Eventually, her transparent figure became laden with booze and she became a walking alcohol body. She was very popular at parties (and not because her Tarot readings).

**Matt **and **Emily** returned to the real world and went off to college.

**From the Author's Mind (Updated June 2011):**

**Thanks again to all of my readers who enjoyed this story so much. I had a great time writing it and, nearly six years after it began, the chronicles of the students of Whitestone Academy are still fun for me to read, as I hope they are for you. Cherish the many hours you lost reading this story, for it contained hidden, subliminal knowledge that will definitely help you out in later life. What that is, I have absolutely no idea.**

**Happy Holidays all!**

**12/1/2007 (Original Finish Date)**

**6/16/2011 (Edits Finish Date)**


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